Sunday October 28th, 2007
There is nothing more precious than a sunglass wearing toddler kissing a pumpkin. This is what she did on Friday afternoon as we left for our flu shot appointment.
After our shots, her pain and agony, her anger at the nurse, all of these are quickly forgotten. In a toddler’s world, this might be forgotten forever. She will never be able to recall this afternoon, the shot in her leg. Her friendliness and affection for everything and everyone returns almost immediately. She sings all the way home, about the moon and about the pumpkins (monkas) she sees. When we do get home, she kisses the pumpkins on our step again.
Is it possible that we are born with this ease of forgiveness? A natural ability to forget the things that have hurt us?
Hope, however, both dreaded the appointment all day and quietly whines about the “painfulness” of it all on our way home, asking Naomi to be quiet because she is trying to rest.
Hope could not forget.
We all start out with the forgiveness factor built-in somehow. Babies forgive mothers for changing their diapers in public (no embarassment yet) and they forgive sisters for taking their toys (no vengence yet). As they grow, somehow a memory also grows. They, we, can’t forget wrongs done us.
This forgiveness, what we are supposed to have cultivated by adulthood, this is a learned trait and a learned response. It is not natural, in fact, it goes against our human nature.
Even as the weekend has gone on and now it is Sunday, Hope still proudly “wears” her badge of getting shot for all to see; she tell everyone the she had to get a shot. She still complains that her arm aches a bit.
So I wonder how often I try to remember the pain, refusing to forget, relish in the grief caused me by someone because somehow that makes me feel better. It makes me feel safer to live inside hurt in a strange, twisted way.
Naomi, of course, will grow and forget to kiss her pumpkins. She will begin the process of holding on to hurt like we all do. And I am optimistic that Hope will also grow, and begin her process of letting go of hurt, attempting to forget like we adults strive to do.
This is my struggle today Sarah.
My eyes are tired from tears of hurt I hold on to. Hurt that was never intended, but comes from my fear of not being enough, believing I am not, and then becoming defensive.
Is it easier to hold onto it? It is twisted, but does feel safer to hold onto it. I’m tired of holding onto it. I’m tired of how cruddy my heart looks today.
I want to kiss the pumpkin, but instead I complain that I need rest from the hurt.
I just said a lot.
Gonna go look for that pumpkin.
Great reminder!
Denise, great honesty and transparency. I hope it gets better for you soon.
I wish our intentions could be as innocent as a child’s again. Unfortunately we have found PRIDE so we have a harder time letting go.
Denise, its so hard. I wrote this out of my own need to hold on to hurt sometimes. I don’t want to forget a lot of the time (it feels better to be HURT I think). My kids remind me how good God is and how perfect His love if for all of us. I’m sorry you are struggling – know that it is common to most of us, even if we don’t admit it. Its funny, I’ve been forgiven so many times for so much, yet I still have trouble forgiving others. I have a cruddy heart too!
And I agree, Janelle: its the pride that keeps us where we are! =) Great insight, ladies!
Denise and Sarah – I am right there with you! It is easier to hang on to the hurt but I need to take the high road as my husband gently reminds me. I want the hurt because then I feel justified for being a “brat”. Janelle is so right that it is pride. It is so hard to let go. I had a hurt that I let fester for over 8 years (I can be a bit stubborn) – it was pretty at all – but I felt that I had a right to that anger. It was freeing to let it go especially after so long but I still struggle with this and I am sure I will continue to struggle with it.
Ladies, I am praying for you! I have been there and continue to be there!
Okay… between this post and these comments, all mixed in with how I have been feeling lately… I need a box of tissue!
I loved the post and all the comments. Thank you so much. Children are great teachers, are they not? It’s so hard to let go of hurt and move past it but I suspect it’s an integral part of forgiveness. Clearly something I need to work on myself.
A child’s forgiveness never ceases to amaze me. There are so many things we “lose” from childhood that we would be so much better off to have!
It’s funny, in so many ways we should be MORE like our children, and then, in so many ways, we need to move past childish things.
I am still child like in so many ways that I shouldn’t be. And adult (jaded) in so many ways I should be child like.
Thank you for the insight, Sarah. You moved my heart today!