Friday November 30th, 2007
“Mama, you can just drop me off this morning…”
Really? You want me to drop you off? I always walk you in, but you want me to drive through the drop off line and just let you out?
She seems confident and secure. She knows where her room is and where she leaves her backpack. In fact, her dad sometimes drops her off.
Something in my heart drops a little and something in the back of my throat catches. She wants this independence. She wants to be trusted in this, however small.
I pull around to the back, toward the drop off line, and begin peppering her with questions. You know where to walk? You know you aren’t going straight to the yard because of the rain? Are you going to go directly there? Are you sure?? The question behind all of this is am I sure?
I drive into the line, and stop. She says, “Thank you, Mama. See you after school!” She jumps out and I can’t stay to wait. I can’t wait to see if she gets in okay. The line is moving and I must join.
She walks across the wet playground toward the daycare modular, alone. She looks so little in its emptiness. She adjusts her backpack and throws me one more smile. In her eyes I can read her certainty. And that’s it. I have to turn the corner. I don’t see if she gets into her room. I don’t even see her finish her journey across the play yard.
I drive home, with Naomi in the back, and I cry – only a little. What perplexes me is that I am so proud of how she is growing up and beginning to understand the world. Proud of her confidence. But, I am also saddened by the stages of childhood flying by me.
I have to trust. I have to trust that my little girl has a Creator who is much more certain than I am that she will make it across the wet play yard to her warm classroom. I have to rely on that certainty, and not on my own.
oh how wonderfully difficult that will be. praise God that our kids do grow up and gain independence–that’s the point, right? it’s just hard.
that is a sad day! I remember it clearly with Morgan when she went to Kindergarten. Of course it was nice not to take Landon out of his car seat and bring him in as well, but I felt like I was missing something not walking her in. It is a bittersweet moment – like so many in parenting.
sigh, I know just what you mean…
Oh it can be SO hard to let them go…even for just a walk into school. My daughter has walked into school every morning since the end of August, with that Certainty. And yet still, every morning since the end of August, I watch her walk for as long as I can. Sometimes I do get to see her enter the building, sometimes I don’t. I am so proud of her, but every time I watch her go, my heart aches just a little.
It is hard — I remember those moments only so well. And it gets worse — that faith has to grow and increase as you learn that He knows they are driving a car, that He knows they are with others, etc. You just have to love them, teach them, and pray for them, all the while remembering that there really is someone who know more thatn we do and see it all. I know we are in His care.
Okay… need tissues here. I know these emotions so well. Grow up… but not too quickly!! Ugh… my daughter is very shy and it would be all too easy to foster that… When we first moved to Texas and started attending a very large church, I had to walk her to Sunday School for months. It was up many stairs… one day I just told her, Keilani… go. You can walk there by yourself. You are okay. I’ll stand right here at the bottom of the steps and watch you. She was 6. She wasn’t happy with me but she did it. And that was that. She felt good about herself and I was sad. WHAT DID I DO??? I want her to need me right? Ugh… I know these emotions well!!
I was just tearing up last night about a similar moment. So true that you can be happy and sad to see their growing independence.
I REMEMBER THAT DAY!!!!
Shock, confusion, uncertainty… on my part.
Unconcern, happiness, certainty…
on her part.
Aren’t you glad they feel so safe?
But oh, it’s sad to see them go…
It’s a good pain, but still pain.
Courtney was THIRTEEN Sunday…
Where did it go?