It was one of those things that other mothers told me about parenting and I heard it spoken about in moms’ groups. A friend experienced it with one of her twins, but not the other.
It is when my baby doesn’t want me. It is when she decides that her daddy will be her comforter or her grandmother, or even her sister. Anyone but me. She calls out for him in the night…DADDY! She asks for him when she wakes up. She begs for him to put her to bed.
When I go to pick her up or hug her or kiss her cheek, she squawks and pushes my shoulder and says…NO MAMA NO MAMA NO MAMA NOOOO! She screams when I hold her, she runs to her father to read her a book, she doesn’t want to sit on my lap. For weeks she has been doing this.
How deep is that hurt?
I know young children will cling to different parents at different stages; their affections ebb and flow and it is vital for their development. They grow out of phases and stages and who knew it, I’ll turn around tomorrow and she will love me again and push her father away. Blah, blah, blah.
I know this….brain stuff sometimes doesn’t drip down to engulf my mother’s heart. I ache for her and want her to be close; to smell her face. When she trantums and screams, it makes it doubly hard when she isn’t coming to me for comfort after she has worn herself out. She should be screaming and yelling (two year olds do) and then when it is all said and over and done, she should come pat my face with grubby fingers and sigh, MAMA…
But she isn’t patting my face. So my heart is open and gaping and wounded. I feel like my love for her is unrequited, unreturned.
What keeps me going are the glances into her own baby-heart. She’s been created with a capacity for love that is growing and changing and she is learning how to be a person. She will get through this stage and she will love me again.
The windows into her are there…she will grab my hand and say…COME ON, MAMA, COME! And I follow her and I smile and I know that she is in love with me on the inside. I can feel it and I can see it, even if in glimpses.
Photo by Misty Matz.
That is so hard.
I liked what you said…”brain stuff sometimes doesn’t drip down to engulf my mother’s heart.”
So true. So very, very true.
Oh, Sarah, I can so relate to this post.
Becca is a daddy’s girl through and through, always has been, and it has been very hard on my heart. While she has grown out of it a little (sharing daddy with her sister has shown her that sometimes she NEEDS me), she still prefers Andy. When she’s hurt, when she’s sad, I will suffice if daddy isn’t around, but if he is…that’s where she goes. When I get her up in the morning, the first thing she says is “Where’s daddy?”
When Allie and I came home from the hospital, Becca wouldn’t talk to me or even look at me for a long time. She would push me away, and cry if I touched her. It was heartbreaking.
You’re right…it does go in cycles. She will welcome you again. She will pat your face again. Your love will be requited.
And like I tell myself…it is SO important for little girls to have good relationships with their daddies. I take comfort in knowing that one of the most important relationships in her life is being strengthened with him.
Aw, these babies. If only we could get inside their heads and really understand what makes them tick! I wish that I could do it backwards – get to know them as cognizant adults or young people, at least, get a glimpse into who they really are, then go back and parent them as toddlers. Doesn’t that make more sense? God’s ways are higher than ours, though. We have to make a study of these little people, which fascinates us even more…
There is both pain and joy in discovering that THEY are not US.
Oh, sweet Sarah. Take heart and know that you are not alone. We wear our hearts on our sleeves when it comes to these little people. We risk that they will smash our hearts into a million pieces everyday. Somehow those hearts have a way of getting glued back together with just a smile or a wave.
She does love you. You are her mommy.
Oh wow. That makes my heart ache for you. I can’t even relate…I am the “go to” person in my home for all of the men!
I’m praying for your heart, sweet Sarah.
My Heather was like that too – very much a daddy’s girl. She’s 22 now and while she was like that throughout toddlerhood she and I became very close later and have remained that way. I know it still hurts now though.
PS – the picture is so cute!
hi sarah! i found your blog through linda’s blog..she was my sister’s 5th grade teacher
…anyways, i LOVE your blog, you are such a gifted writer. what a blessing! your girls are absolutley beautiful! well, i just wanted to say ‘hi’ and let you know that i had found you. i have a blog too, it is http://www.beasleyfam.com . hope to see you soon.
jenni
She’ll come around again soon. But it sure does make your heart hurt when they choose another!
It was not until this past year that my 3 year old found her ‘great love for her mommmy’.
She had always been Daddy’s girl, but now she is all about ‘no boys allowed’.
Stages and phases. We just have to hang in there.
I have tears as I read this because I know that feeling as I see my 8 year old choose her father over me. I am glad she has that relationship with her dad- but it also breaks my heart. He gets to be the fun one where I am not only her mom but her teacher. It definitely has changed the dynamics – and also having to share me with her brother and sister.
Landon still cycles between mom and dad. I think he just likes to have time with both of us but in different ways. He wants his dad to do the rough and tough stuff and he wants me for snuggles and storytime. Mauryn is definitely in the stage of just wanting her mom all the time!
Naomi will choose you again, she loves you! It is hard not to feel rejected – it is like you stated so well “brain stuff sometimes doesn’t drip down to engulf my mother’s heart.”
little people can bring big hurt…little words too…
it seems that love can only win (here on earth) when it is coupled with suffering…in the end, this grief will make the love that is still coming even sweeter…because it really DOES hurt! all MY love to you, daddy
motherhood is such an experience of selflessness and suffering–mixed with joy and beauty. we give because it’s our job and not for what we get. of course, it’s so nice when we get those sweet kisses and hugs and ‘mommy, hold me’. i bet she’s saving some up for you.
Oh yes…I can honestly relate to this. My boys are going through a stage in which they want daddy all the time. I do like that they want daddy in the wee hours of the night…!
But, it’s hard when you’re not their everything anymore, isn’t it? I just want to say, my heart relates to yours…
My parents are visiting now, and I must admit, as much as I want her to have a close bond with her grandparents, it makes me a little bit sad when she reaches for my mom instead of me. I have been blessed with a cuddler though, so I get a dose of baby hugs, kisses, and cuddles daily.
This too shall pass….there is nothing like the bond between a girl and her mother.
Another beautiful picture!