I was kind of a nerd in high school. I wasn’t a cheerleader like Linda, or funny like Annie. And I surely didn’t have cute fluffy hair like Lisa or Mel.
I was a get-good-grades non-athlete who didn’t drink and certainly didn’t smoke ANYthing. I was overweight and I went to a small private school with my graduating class numbering only 69 students. To still be a nerd in a group that size is quite an accomplishment.
But because our school was so small, everyone knew everyone, and everyone knew everything about everyone, including past mistakes and probable future ones. It was like living in a small town within the larger megalopolis of Orange County. Nevertheless, I did manage to keep a small group of friends whose members would ebb and flow with each new year and whose interests were similar to mine.
We were nothing special and really didn’t fall under a label. The interesting thing about a school the size of mine is that there were a fair amount of kids with excellent grades in Math and English, but also possessed talent on the volleyball court, popular boyfriends, invitations to parties, and cute legs in cheerleader skirts. I just wasn’t good at anything else besides studying. There were no distinct groups like a larger school. All of our groups were nebulous and each one branched out to include students from other ones. The head football player might also be the lead in the musical, or help in the science lab.
My constant A’s on papers and tests did nothing for my popularity. Those were also the days when grades would be posted on the insides of windows and at the fronts of classes on blackboards. In a school our size, everyone could recognize one another’s student number (it was 6 digits that I had kept since 7th grade). Everyone knew I got an A.
I learned early on to keep my mouth shut when I got something back from the teacher. Nobody wanted to be friends with a girl who got good grades AND told everyone. I would either lie (but that wouldn’t work because back then I was a terrible liar, and they knew I surely didn’t get a bad grade) or I would try to avoid those conversations altogether.
I began to guard my words in an unhealthy way.
If I trace back my aversion to being the center of attention or my horror at speaking my mind and someone not agreeing, I always come back to this: being embarrassed about being “smart”. I can follow my ten year silence back to this, I think. Forever self-conscious, I’ve always wanted to fade into the background of a room.
I guess I still think of myself as a nerd. I have lost weight and I have accomplished a few athletic goals in the past 8 years, so I guess I am not as much of a nerd as I used to be. I will never be a cheerleader (thankfully because who would really want to see a 33 year old mother trying to turn cartwheels), and I will never be the center of the laughter at a party (I’ll leave that to my husband). But I am learning to write and to speak the words that come. I am learning that I don’t have to keep my mouth shut.
I, too, was a nerd. Still am, actually.
You’ve accomplished so much and think you should be proud of yourself.
In the video’s of you on Annie’s site you are GORGEOUS and seem fun. I’ve never met you so these opinions are unbiased. I’d want to be your friend.
Congratulations for learning to share your words. It’s still something I’m learning.
You are SO far from a nerd, and you are beautiful Sarah!
I can so relate to this. You are so gorgeous it seems impossible that you were labeled a nerd, but I remember high school all too well. I am so glad that you have found your voice and are sharing it with others.
Isn’t High School brutal? I am not sure if I was a bigger nerd then or now. I think I just care less what people think of me now.
I hadn’t discovered mousse in high school and my hair was a bit too fluffy. besides, being a nerd build character! i embrace my dorkiness. i remember being pretty dorky with you in college!!
Praise God, Sara. Had you kept your mouth shut, your words never would have changed my life so much last year.
i LOVE what judi law said… dang.
and, listen, i’ve gotta see a pic or two. i just can’t believe it.
you are WAYYYYY to HOTT to have been a nerd.
no way, woman, no way.
Sarah, I can also relate with your “nerd” days. I was the four-eyes and my nickname? Beaver! Yep, you can only imagine! I too resembled Half Pint on Little House. Howeve, I wanted to let you know that your daily post, the beautiful words you write, make my day. Your talent for writing is obvious and I encourage you to never give that up! I look forward to seeing a book with your name on it some day soon!
I can relate – I did not fit in really anywhere in grade school and high school – and it took me many years to come out of my shell. I now (at age 48) think I’m pretty OK – although the doubts still rear their ugly heads every now and again….
I love the your sentence. I don’t know if I was a “nerd” but I wasn’t popular. I was awkward in my ways… I learned really well how to be “someone else” most of the time and it has taken many years to learn that it’s okay to be me. And I’m still learning this. Blogging has given me a much needed voice. I started blogging to comment on a friends blog, and I realized that writing has given me the outlet that I have always wanted to have!
I can’t imagine you as a nerd!
I can so relate to those high school years – UGH! I surely would not want to relive that part of my life.
I have an aversion to being the center of attention and it is still difficult for me to speak my mind in fear of someone disagreeing. I still play it safe even on my blog.
I appreciate your honesty and openness. You have found your voice and eloquently share your heart.
Nice post.
I was in a different school three years in a row – grade 8, 9, and 10 (I’m Canadian, remember).
In grade 8, I wished I could have been more popular. I was kind of in the lower slice of the middle of the pack, if you know what I mean. I wanted to be in the “in” group, really bad.
So in grade 9 I had my chance. New school, new city. And I found myself in the same niche. Same thing in grade 10.
It took me even longer than that to realize that Winnie the Pooh was right: “Wherever I go, there I am.” I’m glad to hear you’re beginning to find joy in who, and where, you are.
you are too beautiful to ever have been a nerd! i don’t believe it.
maybe the “mouth shut”days, fanned a fire of words dying to get out, and gave birth to your writing?
i wasn’t a nerd in high school (i don’t think). i got an A in drama, vocal jazz, and T.A. , i didn’t do well academically. i had to be social to survive (extrovert). unlike lisa i had discovered mousse (and aqua net) i had crispy hair, piggy back permed hair, with big bangs- it wasn’t pretty.
Faith: You aren’t a nerd.
Linda: Thank you for the encouragment.
Becoming Me: Thank you for the compliment. =)
ladybug: so glad I’m not in HS anymore!
Lisa: Yes, yes we were. Yes we were. I haven’t forgotten.
Judi: No words can thank you enough.
Mandy: you are kind, now I amt thinking of what kind of video I can do =)
Jana: I also looked like an Ingalls.
Yyvonne: you are right about the self-doubt rearing its ugly head again. I totally relate.
Rochelle: Blogging has also give me a voice.
Denise: What is piggy back permed hair? Picture?
Kristen: thank you for your sweet comment.
Brad: Pooh is always wise. =)
i love this piece, sarah! i was a nerd in high school too, embarrassed to be smart. why is that so? i hope our daughters won’t be afraid to be smart, and that we will allow them to proud of such a God-given gift!
Yeah, I would definitely advise against the cartwheels. Last time I tried one it ended in a knee injury
High School.
(groan)
I had a similar high school experience, so glad to be an adult.
You are so not a blog nerd! You could be voted MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED!
You know, I look back at highschool & I too went most of my years of school to a small Christian school & my class had 15. I got A’s & a few B’s…I was what some might call popular & I was a athlete. I “thought” I had arrived. I then switched schools my senior year & went to a bigger Christian school with a class of 75 & was nothing…no one even knew me. It was terrible for me, but God revealed some sweet gifts to me through it. I say all this not to toot my own horn, but to say that I look back now & think that I put so much significance in it and now it’s gone…over and those “great” things that I thought I did & had were really meaningless in the big picture. My point is to encourage you…I can’t even imagine you being a nerd & the words that you write just blow my mind. Those kids that didn’t value your heart were BIG TIME LOSERS and I for one am sorry that there might have been times when I was that person…You have an incredible gift & I’m so thrilled to be apart of your life! Nerd or no nerd..you’re a gift to me!
Isn’t it amazing how we can get labeled and work the rest of our lives trying to shake that label off? I try to remember (when I’m feeling really sorry for myself) of the only label that truly matters – the one God has put on me.
I think the thing I love about this post, and why I’m commenting on it, is the unity among women it inspired. Its real easy to look at a bunch of women, determine they are successful, lovely, and generally better than I could ever be, and not see the truth behind all that. That we were all kids, all insecure in some way, and all felt lacking, even if our circumstances have grown us beyond this.
Though for the record, I was and always will be the uptight bookworm involved in everything, and still a loner. I just wear it differently now.
I was that Smart Girl, too. I spent lunchtimes in the library and I hid my grades, too, when possible. And I loathed my hair.
You are so beautiful that I can’t imagine you nerd-like. Ever.
seriously. i could have written this post. except my graduating class was 10. all girls! we scared all the guys away by the time we reached 12th grade.