Dear Cat,
Please do not think you are the Queen of this home. I am. Before Hope grew into her full six-year-old self, you were just “Cat”. Now, you are “Rosie”, but no one calls you that but her. You are still “Cat” to me.
You live in my home. You eat my food. I clean your water dish and your litter box. I even have taken you to Kindergarten to meet the class.
And as it is with children, there are reasons why I make rules in this home. I don’t allow the girls to play with markers in the living room. The reasons are obvious. I require them to brush their teeth. These reasons are less obvious, but the rules must be adhered to nonetheless. They will thank me when their teeth don’t fall out in adulthood.
And you, dearest Cat, have rules as well. You may NOT walk on the kitchen counter. You may NOT drink out of my water glass, and above all you may NOT go outside.
You may think me harsh or brutal. You may wish you had the life of a ranch cat, chasing rabbits, biting the dogs’ tails all day long, and sauntering in toward the evening for your dinner. But I assure you, you live the life of luxury. You are a housecat. Your kingdom is the extent of our home, even though you are a serf.
There are reasons unknown to you why you may NOT go outside. You have no claws. You don’t. I know you paw at the furniture trying to scratch something, but there is only silent frustration. You cannot defend yourself against a coyote or a mountain lion that might think you are a nice, fat appetizer. Please trust me in this.
The second reason, that I most recently discovered, why you may NOT go outside is that you are also not allowed to bring a dead lizard into the house!! If you hadn’t sneaked into the yard this afternoon during the baby’s nap, you would not have killed, decapitated and spread around the upstairs what used to be (I think) a 5 -6 inch lizard.
I know it was fun catching it, probably more fun than you have had in years. I also know that the dead lizard was something of a love-offering to us or a trophy of some sort. I get it. You can catch a lizard using only your clawless feet and your teeth. Way to go.
But, Cat, never, under any circumstances, EVER BRING A DEAD LIZARD INTO THE HOUSE AGAIN! You will find yourself outside with the coyotes if that ever happens again. Trust me, they have claws.
Loving you dearly,
The Queen
That is AWESOME!!!
Thank you for this, I needed a good laugh!!! I would have screamed if I saw a dead lizard!!!! EWWWW!!!
What a fun post (well, fun for us…not so much for you)! Dead, decapitated lizard IN your house…seriously! Good you laid down the law with “cat.”
Yes, in the house…I actually had the privellege of stepping on the tail section before I realized what it was….ewwww.
See, you are funny! That was great.
Eww. But the best way to deal with these situations is to write a well composed letter. Well done.
Awesome new layout.
Love to you and your sweet babies and crazy husband.
I love it. I too have a cat that thinks she is queen and sorry to say, she often is! We don’t have lizards so I’ve never had that joy but when we had an outdoor cat, I was given offerings of birds, mice and the occasional rabbit. I may have to copy this and leave it out for our cat!
LOL!!! Our cat thinks he is the king of the house. He has no claws and never ventured out of the house until we moved to ID – now he sneaks out. Thankfully we haven’t had any dead animals brought in. He usually just lays in the sun in the front or back yard. I have had the experience with my parents cats growing up bringing in dead things, they lived in the country – UGH!
Thanks for a great laugh today
)
Yucky! I would have died if I stepped on that thing.
Glad to know it produced a very funny blog post. That’s what it’s all about. Now if you were really on your game, you would have posted pictures!!
Just kidding. DON’T.
my childhood “cat” would bring live birds and field mice into our house.
ah huh.
LIVE.
i can’t remember HOW we got that bird out of the house. i think my dad told my bro & me to go outside, as he was grabbing the broom…. looking back, i’m pretty sure it got ugly!
Ew.
Queen of the Markleys
you may not like me after this comment-
we had a cat, we declawed, and it lived happily in our home for a while.
then i go prego. and my sense of smell sent that cat on vacation to a relatives.
when the cat returned i was done with the cat, and had moved onto the baby.
the clawless cat lived outside for the next 3 years until….mountain lion, coyote, car???
now we have a dog.
This was great, Sarah!! Not so great to find pieces of a lizard in your home (yech!), but this was a funny post. Very clever.
lol!! Oh I so needed this laugh!! lol!! Hey, back home in Guam, you wanted the gecko alive in your house.
Oh mercy! And we’re about to get a second cat! Yikes! My favorite part…
“You can catch a lizard using only your clawless feet and your teeth. Way to go.”
Absolutely hilarious!
Excellent post! I have two indoor cats who are the kings of the house. They’re so spoiled it’s crazy.