She is running out the door for her father to drive her to Kindergarten. It is Friday and she is in a good mood. Maybe she’ll have a good day.
She turns around and grins at me as she’s closing the front door, and she pauses, motioning for me to come closer. She kisses me, and then calls for her sister. She hugs her sister too, still grinning and then asks me to kiss her on the palm of her hand. I do and she holds it to her cheek to transfer. She grabs my hand and kisses me. I hold it to my face and feel her 6-year-0ldold love through my skin.
She’s gone.
This extended good-bye begins to scare me. I think that maybe there is some cosmic reason she is taking so long to kiss me and love me and express herself this morning. Maybe, awfully, this is the last time I will see her. Is this a sign? Will the two of them, the love of my life and my first baby, get in the car and not see as another car runs a red light? This just might be it.
I call after them, Be careful!
Over thinking it as I often do, my thoughts race through the next 90 seconds.
How will I raise my other daughter on my own?
Where are the life insurance papers?
What kind of job will I get and who will watch Naomi until she goes to school?
Can I keep the house?
Will I have to go to Hope’s Kindergarten class and explain what happened to her classmates?
What will I do without the man I am in love with?
How will I explain to my toddler why her sister is gone?
The interesting thing is, the fear is quite real. It happens. Things like do occur and families are lost and broken and hurt.
But I have to stop myself. I have to quiet my heart. I don’t often feel the overwhelming dread like I do right now, but when I do, I have to control it before it goes to far. I could potentially worry myself straight into a mental facility strapped to a bed.
I could hold onto to an irrational fear like this. I could carry it in my heart and never let my children out of my sight. I could keep them in the house, under my careful eye for the rest of their lives. I could call my husband twenty times a day to see if he is alright. I could carry this and let it become the loudest thing about me.
Or I could quiet it. I could let myself sink into the love and the heart of God, who cares about me and my family more than I can understand. I can let Him quiet the fear that sometimes takes me over.
I call my husband anyway, on his way to her school. The 90 seconds of heart-filling fear is gone and I’m not really worrying about insurance papers anymore. I want to hear his voice and know that our daughter is safe in the back seat.
She is, and I can hear her singing along to the music in the background. I think we all will have a good morning.
I have those runaway thoughts so many times. Sometimes it starts with one little thought and then another, sometimes I have to literally shake them out of my head.
I completely understand that feeling. Every time Josh leaves the house I say “be careful”. Or think on my way to the grocery store, what if something happens to me and my husband is left without his “sweets”. Over the last year I’ve had quite a bit of loss and so I think I have become overwhelmed with that feeling… loss.
We recently took a vacation to “get away” from things and before we left, I frantically (literally) was going through my pictures, gathering up my wedding album and my favorite photos of loved ones and shoving them into a bag. Josh asked what I was doing and I said “if something happens to the house while we’re gone, these pictures are just irreplaceable to me. I have to take them.” He knew me and my state of mind well enough right now, to not question me. But I know that feeling you have described so lovely in your writing.
But what’s even more lovely is the sense of peace that washes over us when He puts his arms around us and whispers quietly… All is well… All is well….
Fear is such a kill joy. I use to really struggle with thoughts as well and they are lessening as I get older. But fear can so easily sneak up on us.
Oh, I’m so relieved. I’m not going crazy. It’s NORMAL! Whew.
Sometimes I think I’m becoming agoraphobic or something when I find myself thinking, “why don’t we all just stay home – together – for a long, long time?”
Yes, the only thing to do is quiet that heart.
Man, that is my life on a daily basis. I have to take those thoughts captive but am ashamed to say that I know all too well what I’d do if the unthinkable happened…because I don’t always “quiet” them.
I’m a work in progress.
Me too, i have these thoughts and fears. So in love with each of them.
Someone once told me “God doesn’t give you grace for your imagination.”
I recognize that the more my imagination runs off, the more the fear builds up, the more paralized, and mental facility bound i become, and since that isn’t an option i remind myself God will give me “grace upon grace” when i need it. so as they leave God knows i am counting on it.
Sarah, I am so glad you wrote this! I am the same way, and honestly, I didn’t know many people were like this! I always felt like I was “morbid” when those thoughts invaded my head. I am relieved that apparently it is normal to sometimes let our thoughts get the best of us. Like you, I’ve gone into the “what would I do if…” thoughts many times. You’re right, it does happen, and I suppose that’s why our fears sometimes get the best of us. But we can’t live life that way, worrying and fearing the worst. I try to remember that God didn’t create a spirit of fear in us, which means that when that fear comes, it is not from Him.
I have those same thoughts at times – immediately my mind goes into planning mode. Those same type of questions run through my mind – will i have to get a job? will i still homeschool? will we sell our house? will we move back to MN? the list goes on and on.
I too find some comfort in knowing others have those same thoughts. Maybe it is a little reality check for us to be aware of what we have and how blessed we are. We take a little more time to appreciate and love on our families – all the little stuff seems to just fade away.
Thanks for this post!
so true! i totally do this all the time and i also remind myself that God is in control. you’re so right that letting things take us away is no good. it doesn’t glorify God at all and what a great reminder to fill our heads with all things honorable, right, pure, lovely, and good.
I have done the exact same thing many times…It can overtake you, and drive you crazy….I am glad to know that I am not the only one with these thoughts…thanks for sharing…
Your heart speaks the thoughts of many, Sarah. (As it usually does)
This is me. And it is a daily (hourly sometimes) battle to trust God…to give my fear over to Him. I know that the time spent worrying could be used in so many better, more uplifting ways.
Thanks for sharing!
This actual thing happened when Matthew passed away. I believe the Spirit of God had prepared him for his departure.
Our son Matthew was not a ‘clingy’ little toddler, however, the day before his death he had spent the entire afternoon with grandma and papaw (who were on vacation in Florida) However, when it came time for them to return to their hotel—-he cried bloody murder like he would never see them again. My father in law’s last memory of Matthew was of him running down the driveway with streams of tears down his face crying, “Bye Papaw!” If only he would have known that was the last time he would see Matthew—my father in law said he would have hugged and kissed him one last time.
On the morning of Matthew’s death, I had a Dr.’s appt. I was running late and really needed to get in the shower. However, Matthew wanted me to hold him. And so, thankfully I took the extra moment to sit with him on my lap holding him in my arms. That would be the last time I held him alive.
I do not remember a time before my son’s death where I had runaway thoughts as you have described. I am grateful though that the Lord filled my life and Matthew’s life with no regrets. And of course, because of our loss we are painfully aware that each moment we spend with friends and loved one is just that—-a gift. And like a vapor it can be gone in an instant.
Never let the sun go down on your anger. Treasure those moments of your little one wearing your shoes. Smell the scent of your husband. Relish the scenery when you run. And most of all, keep writing and storing those memories in your Blog—even if people can google and read what we write.
You have a gift of words Sarah—-and if God so chooses to take away you or one of your precious family members—-you have preserved beautiful memories that you have written. And if the good Lord blesses you and your family members to old age—-you still have the beautiful memories that you have written—to be treasured each and every moment as you live the best days of your life.
God is good and you can quiet your fears in His sovereignty.
I really enjoyed this post Sarah!
echoing Jesus, john said it,”love kills fear”…and it goes the other way too…
all my love,
daddy