I look into her eyes, the same brown of mine, and want her to tell me everything behind them: Her innocuous seven-year-old secrets about dreams she’s had and where she thinks the unicorns sleep and innocent thoughts sprinkled with anger about her baby sister invading her privacy. She keeps secrets about words girls say to her and what she thinks about God.
And I beg her to tell me.
She won’t. She says that she can tell me everything but she has to keep at least one thing secret.
I ask her what that one thing is, if it is a good secret or a bad one. (what will I do if she says bad? and my mind begins to race…)
Good, of course. Mama…I have to keep one thing to myself.
Okay, as long as it’s a good secret. Do you think you’ll ever tell me?
She smiles, and says maybe.
Because I’m already worried that the dialogue will close. That I won’t be able to say anything to her that she will trust or believe. I’m worried about all the non-innocent secrets she will have soon and that she’ll still keep them to herself.
I don’t need to know everything. I don’t need to know how many times she’ll be embarrassed by me or when she thinks that she hates me. I don’t need to know that when she’s twelve she might wish she was born into a different family.
So I’m trying to talk. A lot. And I’m trying to listen more than I talk and show her that I hear her. I want to be the one she tells the big secrets to.
And maybe one day, before she gets too old and forgets it all herself, she’ll tell me where the unicorns sleep at night.
Oh, how I love this…
OH wow… The growing up – pulling away – big girl stuff. so sweet. and sad. and wonderful.
thanks, ashleigh and mandy.
mandy, i was on your blog at the same time you were on mine.
I love this!
great post
its heart felt
Beautiful Sarah…as always!! Many of my friends ask how it was that my parents raised 4 of us kids and how is it that we all turned out loving the Lord and never rebelling. God, pray…those are HUGE, but talking I believe was the other HUGE key. Lots of talking at dinner everynight…even through Highschool as we were so busy with sports, etc. The rule in our home was that we could tell our parents anything but just with love and respect. And boy, did we talk about everything & it was a safe environment. I say all that to say bravo to you for continuing to just talk with her! It's key and definitely meant a lot to me as a kid. It's really neat to see your heart and love for your girls.
I don't know if I am tired or just off today but I am feeling crazy emotional and this post just ripped my guts out.
I don't want her to grow up too fast.
I don't want her to stop telling us her secrets.
I don't want to push her away with my busyness and personal agenda.
I don't want to "miss" her and have regrets I should have taken time when I didn't.
Thank you for reminding me what I have at home in my girls, you included.
jessica – thank you!
earen – your words mean more to me than you know!
chad – love you =)
your last line made me smile
)
i think i am already entering that stage with morgan… keeping the dialogue open. trying to listen and not always saying anything so she has time to process and reflect. so so hard! i may have a big hole in my tongue before she is grown.