You should have seen me right before our mini-getaway last weekend: I was haggard, bloated, teary-eyed and greasy-haired. I was a mother.
But then we took a four day break, and I felt better immediately.
Not because I wanted to get away from my children. Not at all. I was just tired of disciplining.
I was exhausted from constantly being the firm hand, the solid wall, the immovable fortress of behavior in this home. I didn’t want to send anyone else to their room or put anyone else on the “naughty” step. I was tired of making my seven-year-old earn her video game time and enforce reluctant apologies from my three-year-old. I didn’t feel like bringing my want-to-yell voice carefully down to a calm and patient request for obedience.
Tired of staying sharp to the emotional ups and downs of my oldest.
Tired of grasping defiant wrists to hoist my youngest away from the playground when it’s time to go.
Tired of walking away from tantrums.
Tired of watching any and all forms of discipline fall into the oubliette of childhood.
I wasn’t weary of my children. I was weary of disciplining.
And when I realized that, then I cried.
[And most women will agree with me that a good cry fixes a lot of things.]
Does God ever get tired of being the firm fortress like I do? And I’m not even that solid; I jiggle and waver at the slightest change in plans. Does He ever lie down exhausted because He’s just had too much of me? I’ve ignored Him and spat on his attention for the last time. Does He burst into tears because I never seem to get it right? Are my emotional sweeps too great for Him to be comfortable with me?
Does He just need a break?
No.
Never.
Even when I choose to walk away from His gentleness or His good plans for me He still pursues me. He doesn’t need a break, He doesn’t melt into tears of frustration, He doesn’t need a nap. He just is. His love never wanes for me or needs a boost of adrenaline. He never needs a shot or four of espresso to make it through the afternoon.
And He disciplines me in firm kindness like the perfect mother I am not.
No mother will ever be perfect. The main point is to be the best mother you possibly can, and you will hit snags in that journey along the way. But if there were no problems, no doubts, and it were all an easy trip, parenthood would not be worth it in the long run.
kevin – thanks. and i agree, parenthood is worth it. =)
Love love love this. OK actually I love everything you write but this speaks volumes to me today.
a very amazing God we serve! thanks for the reminder…
a good reminder today.
I was/am a beast today and needed to read this.
thanks s.
Lovely post. How odd to feel so humbled, so loved, and a bit ashamed by the same piece of truth – that God is our perfect Parent. And the perfect Parent to our children that we are not.
Thanks for sharing – and acknowledging that there are many days that we broken human mamas simply need… Him.
Oh my gosh, you nailed it! This is how I have been feeling for days now. I just didn't know how to put in words what you said. It's not that I want away from my kids, I just want away from having to be the bad guy so much. Thanks for speaking your mind and touching my heart!
Yuck. This is totally how I've been feeling lately. I'm exhausted from disciplining. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm so grateful for a God who loves me and doesn't give up on me. Who doesn't quit on me. Thanks!
Man, oh man, did I need to read this! I came over from Annie's blog. I hope you don't mind but I added you to my Reader. Great stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Wow- exactly how I am feeling today. I felt it from the moment I got out of bed- that feeling of exhaustion. PURE exhaustion. The constant disciplining and "fighting" their persistence and resistance toward me. Ughhh…i feel completely drained today from the last week. I had to drag myself out of bed for DAY 9 of swim lessons and here the day began today. I am worn out- thanks for putting that into words. I did some Yoga today hoping that would help. I think it did, somewhat. I would love a mini-getaway to recharge.
"haggard, bloated, teary-eyed, greasy haired"…you just described me before i ran off to the beach (recent blog post).
he doesn't need "mommy's medicine" to get him through the night.
denise that made me laugh.
our sermon at church yesterday was so similar to this post.
hmm… must be something i really needed to hear.
thanks for always sharing your heart.
I just today came upon your blog~not sure how although I know a blog I have in my reader linked to you. I’m so glad she did! I could comment on many of your favorite posts but this one in particular was so soooo good I had to. How many times we need breaks as mothers. I’m so grateful God never needs one!
I also thought the post where you appologized to you mom for the ages of 14-17 was something I could have written! I was such an emotional teenager and got married at the age of 22 to a 20 year old kid who has thankfully loved me, put up with me and grown up with me all these years!
Love your blog~I’ve added you to my reader.
yet He loves us…we are the descendants of the wilful first Adam praise God for the 2nd Adam who willingly died to save u and me and the world if we chose a whole world of misery.
I love this. Very poignant and real. Thanks for sharing it!
Oh how I love your blog. Your writing, your honesty, and the TRUTHs that you share with us!
This is such a powerful piece of writing. You remind me to be thankful that my Father never needs a break from me. That He loves me without condition and without aggravation. Oh, thank God for that!!
And thank you for the reminder.