PART ONE: STIFLING
I can be stifling sometimes.
I mean there have been times in my life when I’ve chased people away because I’m so intense. I don’t mean to be; I’m just programmed that way.
No matter how many “times out” I take for myself, or self-analysis afternoons I carve out of my schedule; no matter what I actually change in my actions and relationships, when it’s all over, I might behave differently, but I am still pretty much the same person on the inside. I’m intense.
It’s a good thing because so is my husband. He’s almost as intense as I am.
We match each other word for word, hurt for hurt, and love for love equally. We raise our voices together, we debate issues with intelligence, we both ask difficult questions of the other and expect smart answers in return. He’s never shied away from me and I’ve never backed down from my intensity for him either.
We are a good match.
And that is one of the reasons I got into the biggest trouble of my life about nine years ago.
It is no excuse, but I have a hard time doing anything half-way. In fact, there are no excuses good enough for what I did. I really screwed everything up.
Every good thing in my life had been handed to me carefully, beautifully wrapped with thick gift paper so that just the act of opening it was half the happiness. I had a husband who adored me, a good education, a solid job, a group of friends who were kind to me and loved me. I was 25 years old, the owner of a home, and full of a lot of narcissism and pride. I thought everything I had I deserved.
And I was ungrateful. I was beginning to become unhappy. I was stifling. I had no self-monitor for the passion in my life and my marriage was beginning to fall apart. I was a controlling wife and needed to be in charge to feel normal.
In reaction, my husband turned inward (like any normal husband would with a stifling and overbearing wife) and away from me. We had already developed diseased habits in our young marriage for communication, problem solving and intimacy. Four years in to our marriage, even though I knew with my whole soul that we were meant for each other, I was tired of it. I added to an already sick relationship some initially small, but very poor choices.
Without searching it out, I began an emotional affair with someone we both knew. And even though it began slowly and took many months to gain any ground, soon it ballooned into something I had difficulty controlling.
I’d prided myself on “control” and “passion” but with this, this affair, I felt unable to control my own feelings. It was its own monster that I had allowed to grab hold of my heart, my God-given marriage, and my soul. I’d created it and now it was controlling me.
I hadn’t lost any intensity, but instead I’d transferred it to something, someone, else. Someone who wasn’t mine but I’d stolen anyway.
Fraud. Thief. Liar. Soon-to-be-Adulteress. These were my new names.
I didn’t know it then, but it would soon lead to much more than just an emotional attachment.
It would become a full-fledged affair.
[PART TWO: CLICHES will be posted tomorrow.]
Tags: adultery, choices, marriage, My New Name, my story, passion
Love you.
wow. just recently started following you through (in)courage. and that was exactly what you did. you encouraged me to be real with God, myself and others. thanks for your courage. i look forward to the rest of the week and will be praying for you.
aubrey
This is how we encourage one another in Christ… with truth… raw, real, hard, poignant… truth. I know I will learn from you in the sharing of this part of your life… and in your testimony of what God has brought you through!
i love you and am immensely proud of you.
Hi, (learnt about your blog from cindybeall.com)
I feel with you. I have been emotionally involved with other people more than once. Eventually my wife left. We are trying to find our way back. Its a lot difficult than you may know.
I am learning by reading your blog.
regards,
Simon
The comments from Chad and your Dad are just precious. And right on.
[...] My New Name: Part 1 | Sarah Markley http://www.sarahmarkley.com/2009/08/my-new-name-part-1 – view page – cached PART ONE: STIFLING I can be stifling sometimes. I mean there have been times in my life when I've chased people away because I'm so intense. I don't — From the page [...]
I came from {in}courage – and promptly bookmarked your blog after reading. You are a gifted writer. What a beautiful picture of God’s redemption and forgiveness. You have an amazing family, too. You are blessed. Thank you for sharing.
[...] My New Name: Part 1 [...]
I’ve spent the last 36 hours reading and re-reading these comments.
I was so scared to do this.
Thank you
Thank you
for loving me through this. Your responses have given me the courage.
Jesus has given me the courage. Thank you for being Him to me.
What you have done in putting your story out there is so freeing….isn’t it? Thank you for being real. We need more of that in this world.
I am so proud of you! I love you and I am blessed to be apart of your lives. I love seeing God’s amazing work in and through you. Keep it up. You are such an encouragement to so many, just see what God does through this. I love it when we see the scripture lived out, and You my dear are that Romans 8:28.I just love you so much! Thanks.
From my heart to yours…Thanks so very much!!!
[...] Begin with Part 1, here. [...]
[...] My New Name: Part One [...]
[...] story. She has posted every day this week, and has kept me on the edge of my seat. Start with Part 1, and then move to Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5. I am flattened by her candor, and inspired [...]
[...] Stifling, Cliches, Dripping, Crash, and Foundation. [...]
WOW! Can’t wait until tomorrow to read the rest! Its like a book you don’t want to put down to get to the next, like a movie that you have to wait a year to watch the second one!
Please pray that my wife has a change of heart, love me and reconcile our marriage. Please pray that all negative influences and the enemy be removed from her and allow her to grow closer to God and that the Blessed Virgin and her Son pour down graces on her to convert her heart and her mind. Please let me see some positive change in my wife’s attitude. Please bless her and pray for her. You have said you hate divorce and that divorce is a ticket to hell. Please ask Christ to change my wife’s heart.
Hi. Just found your blog today. I know God wants me to read it. My story 2 years ago started out as your story. Thankfully, it didn’t go past the emotional affair (plus 1 kiss), but it destroyed our marriage too. And then a year later I found out about my husband’s full-fledged affair that was going on at the same time. Still in counseling. Still trying to heal. Still need guidance, and I was still looking for someone who had been through it and is now stronger. I hope I have found it in your blog.