PART ONE: STIFLING
I can be stifling sometimes.
I mean there have been times in my life when I’ve chased people away because I’m so intense. I don’t mean to be; I’m just programmed that way.
No matter how many “times out” I take for myself, or self-analysis afternoons I carve out of my schedule; no matter what I actually change in my actions and relationships, when it’s all over, I might behave differently, but I am still pretty much the same person on the inside. I’m intense.
It’s a good thing because so is my husband. He’s almost as intense as I am.
We match each other word for word, hurt for hurt, and love for love equally. We raise our voices together, we debate issues with intelligence, we both ask difficult questions of the other and expect smart answers in return. He’s never shied away from me and I’ve never backed down from my intensity for him either.
We are a good match.
And that is one of the reasons I got into the biggest trouble of my life about nine years ago.
It is no excuse, but I have a hard time doing anything half-way. In fact, there are no excuses good enough for what I did. I really screwed everything up.
Every good thing in my life had been handed to me carefully, beautifully wrapped with thick gift paper so that just the act of opening it was half the happiness. I had a husband who adored me, a good education, a solid job, a group of friends who were kind to me and loved me. I was 25 years old, the owner of a home, and full of a lot of narcissism and pride. I thought everything I had I deserved.
And I was ungrateful. I was beginning to become unhappy. I was stifling. I had no self-monitor for the passion in my life and my marriage was beginning to fall apart. I was a controlling wife and needed to be in charge to feel normal.
In reaction, my husband turned inward (like any normal husband would with a stifling and overbearing wife) and away from me. We had already developed diseased habits in our young marriage for communication, problem solving and intimacy. Four years in to our marriage, even though I knew with my whole soul that we were meant for each other, I was tired of it. I added to an already sick relationship some initially small, but very poor choices.
Without searching it out, I began an emotional affair with someone we both knew. And even though it began slowly and took many months to gain any ground, soon it ballooned into something I had difficulty controlling.
I’d prided myself on “control” and “passion” but with this, this affair, I felt unable to control my own feelings. It was its own monster that I had allowed to grab hold of my heart, my God-given marriage, and my soul. I’d created it and now it was controlling me.
I hadn’t lost any intensity, but instead I’d transferred it to something, someone, else. Someone who wasn’t mine but I’d stolen anyway.
Fraud. Thief. Liar. Soon-to-be-Adulteress. These were my new names.
I didn’t know it then, but it would soon lead to much more than just an emotional attachment.
It would become a full-fledged affair.
[PART TWO: CLICHES will be posted tomorrow.]
Tags: adultery, choices, marriage, My New Name, my story, passion
It’s hard to admit our failings to anyone. You are brave, Sarah. Thank you for being real through your blog. I pray through this you will touch lives for Him. Reading this has made me appreciate again the fact that our Lord is full of mercy, grace, forgiveness.
Wow! My prayer is, that through you sharing your story, you will “prevent” many women from going down the very same path. I know, that you have put a lot of prayer and thought into the ‘right time’ to share this story of your life.
May God Bless You as you continue to be obedient to His calling to share with all of us.
I love you!
Traci
I’m not quite sure how I stumbled across your blog, but I’m glad I did. I have been in a similar situation, so my heart goes out to you in this story. Thanks for posting
Yes, may God bless you and keep you as you continue to share His story.
I can’t wait to read how He has changed your name. I pray that many names will be changed through the reading of His story in your life.
love you!
Thank you, Sarah, for sharing Part One of your story. I’ll be praying that God will use this as He chooses. Bless you!
I came over from Holley’s blog – Heart to Heart w/Holley. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray you have freedom from bringing your story into the Light & out of the darkness, exactly where God wants it to be.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I, too, think it’s important for people to know these things happen, even to the ‘best’ of people. Now it’s time to show the world that you can recover from such fallings. We’re praying for you, too.
Thank you so much for sharing this. One of my dearest friends just told us she is in the midst of this same situation. I am looking forward to reading more – thanks again
We have been twittering together for however long now and I do that with however many people and I blog with another however many people that I know and then don’t really know but then stuff like this pops onto my radar and it kills me. You have broken down all the walls and so thank you. I am praying for you. For you family, for all the beautiful and miraculous things God has designed you to be, for healing and for grace, for truth. Seriously. Wow.
I’m on the edge of my seat…thank you for your candor.
You are an amazing, brave woman Sarah! You provide such a true example of the way we as Christians are called to say “I am sinner but God has forgiven and healed me” rather than the lie “I am a Christian and I don’t fall into sin like everyone else.” it is a VERY important lesson and something I really still haven’t learned to do. I look forward to seeing how you, with your beautiful gift of writing, share your amazing story of redemption, healing, and forgiveness for both you and Chad.
LOVE YOU
I know this story. Different people, different places. But the rut in the road is the same.
I’ll be reading all week. Because I also know God’s redemption is breath-taking.
“Intense” is an excellent way to describe the two of us. We were both “lost” in ourselves and painfully narcissistic.
I love you, believe in you and am excited to see where the telling of this chapter in our life will lead us.
You are beautiful.
Sarah, friend, I am so grateful for your willingness to share, because I see so much of my own control and ungratefulness after reading your story, and I don’t want to go there. I’m thankful that you are selfless enough to share something that so many would hide, in hopes of helping just one. Thanks, friend, and can’t wait to read more this week.
mandie
and P.S. Chad- just reading your comment makes me know that you guys certainly are a team, and it’s SO encouraging.
Chad and Sarah,
I love you both so much, and have so much respect for you and your marriage.
Thanks for being an example to me!
Love,
Chrissie
You really are so brave to be so candid… I love that about your blog in general, but I know this series is going to be good.
And I love that your husband always leaves you such encouraging comments
… makes me smile.
I look forward to the unfolding of your story this week and appreciate the honesty with which you’ve shared part 1. I am quite certain the writing of it, and now the sharing, will be redemptive.
It takes a lot of courage to admit any shortcomings… You are so brave for telling the world!!
I look forward to hearing the rest of your story. As a newly married myself, I will be looking for ways to strengthen my own marrige.
Thank you!
wow…
here’s a name or two…brave & courageous…
and one more…we ALL share…
“still on the road”
every bit of my love & admiration,
dad
Wow, Sarah – I admire your honesty and integrity. I have no doubt you will touch the lives of many husbands and wives out there as they read your story.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Sarah for being authentic. We Christ-followers,need more people like you who are willing to be real. It’s only when we are authentic that God can show the world that He is in the business of interrupting our lives with his grace and unreasonable love. I can’t wait to visit tomorrow.
Sarah ~
It’s scary to be so honest isn’t it? But I know there are many people out there reading this that can empathize. As humans, we falter. We stumble. And we fall. We make the wrong decisions sometimes. Even though we know better. My hope is that most of us who make mistakes realize that it is just something we did…not who we are. I know, even without knowing you personally, that you have absolutely learned your lesson and grown from this. And now you can empathize with others on a deeper level. We all have regrets, but from those regrets come strength and resolve to be better. Do better. I know that the two most important men in your life… Heavenly Father, and your darling husband, have forgiven you. Now, forgive yourself. Fully !
i love that you are sharing this. i can’t wait to see what kind of healing this brings to your life AND to other women who need to hear your story… unedited, without holding back.
you are my hero!
Thank you for sharing…too many of us have walked or are walking that same road. I look forward to tomorrow…
Wow Sarah…this was brave…thank you for opening up about a sensitive issue…I will be praying for those who read it. I am looking forward to reading more and learning about the recovery of your marriage.
Wow! If more of us were this honest then I suspect more of us would have less to be honest about.
Love you. Proud of you.
So, so much.
Hi, Sarah,
I found you through a post that Angela (Becoming Me) put on Facebook. Your story is a beautiful story of redemption and rescue… I can see it already….
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart!
This is my first time here. I’ve enjoyed my visit. I write on my blog about my journey out of religion into relationship…. learning to live loved. I’d love for you to visit anytime.
It’s nice to meet you!
Julie
http://jewelsightings.blogspot.com
I love you and admire you with all my heart.
thank you for sharing your story.
K, so how much do I love your mom, dad and hubs right now? Your network of peeps are fabulous. I am so grateful that they are rocking beside you and with you. Yup…so fabulous. I am really excited for this journey and how we are all connected. Truly thankful today.
Hi Sarah. I’m the spouse of a man who got involved in an emotional/internet affair. In our case, his infidelity never became physical but it was infidelity and devastating all the same. We have, through God’s grace and sheer hard work, come out on the other side and have a stronger relationship for it. I just wanted to let you know how much I, as the “betrayed spouse” in that situation, respect you for your transparency and your willingness to take long hard painful looks at yourself and to share what you’ve found and how you’ve changed.
Here’s what I see:
You: Beautiful. Brave. Reaching.
Your life: Inspiring. Empowering. Real.
Your writing: Thought-provoking. Redemptive. Transformative.
Not “too much” and never “not enough”. Just right, Sarah. Just right.
From another intense daughter of a seriously intense God,
Judy
I read about you on mandy thompson’s page. thanks for sharing.
[...] Today was the first day of the “series” on her blog HERE. [...]
Brave and courageous
Thank you.
Listening… praying for you!
I love your writing. Thank you for being so honest. God has definitely blessed you through your trials.
This is my very first visit to your blog. On the first day I’m blown away by your design, writing and your transparency. Thanks for sharing. I’ll be back.
–Terrace Crawford
http://www.terracecrawford.com
http://www.twitter.com/terracecrawford
Sweet One,
Came over from Cindy Beall’s blog. Thanks for trusting us with your heart and for sharing your journey. Keep walking.
Love,
Nikki
“…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” ~ Isaiah 61:3
I love it when God grows something new …
I found your site through Mandy’s blog. First off I love the look of your header, almost as much as the honesty with which you write.
All of my experience with marriage has been secondhand. My sister enjoyed the institution so much she tried it four times.
The one thing I do know is that it is passion that brings people together, and it’s faith that keeps them together.
I can tell from your words the depth of your passion and faith. That passion will mean you will face more trials. Your faith will decide how well you pass these trials.
I could just cry reading these comments… I hope you are encouraged!! Love you so much.
thanks for being vulnerable and real. each of us is flawed and we all need grace. i love you and chad.
Wow Sarah, I don’t know you but had to comment on your blog. I’m looking forward to reading your next post. It’s a blessing to hear there are couples working through difficult times … not just giving up, throwing in the towel … God Bless you and your journey.
i am proud to call you my friend. your heart is so incredibly beautiful.
Sarah….
In the color palate of life you are red….intense, yes, but also bold and bright and beautiful. How dull would our world be without the vibrancy of red….
God bless you, my sweet, and the rest of this story to His glory!
love, m
I told you that you were brave enough.
So proud of you and love you even more for using your life to bless so many others. My best friend recently found out about her husband’s affair [they are working through it] and I’m anxious to continue this week so I can learn better how to help her as well. This is going to help more people than you can imagine.
Life isn’t about living it perfectly… it’s about living and learning and being a blessing. Thanks for blessing us.
i am with mandy – i could just cry reading all the comments.
so proud of you sarah. my brave and courageous friend.
God is going to do great things with the sharing of your story.
i love you!
Wow, Sarah! Look at all of these comments!!! Thank you for sharing this part of you!
It’s been a while since I have popped in to visit you Sarah. I am curious that it was today that God prompted me to. While I am not in the same situation as you describe I have no doubt God has words to say to me…I am listening.
Thankyou for sharing openly and honestly.