PART TWO: CLICHES
He was everything my husband wasn’t.
He looked different. He talked different. He listened to me. He was there for me.
[Does this sound like a cliché yet? Because it does to me.]
Believe me, none of these are excuses. But in the long sense of this relationship, there were reasons why I cheated.
No one wakes up one day and decides to commit adultery. I don’t know what other people have told you, but something like this takes a hundred million tiny poorly-made decisions layered on top of one another. Never excuses, but certainly reasons.
So I began to take advantage of the lack of boundaries in our marriage and spend more and more time with this man. I took advantage of my husband’s faith in me. Before text messaging, we talked on the phone. A lot. Too much.
And we met to talk and have lunch. We talked about our spouses and our growing need for each other as friends. [By this time I’d become a skilled enough liar that not only was I lying to pretty much everyone I knew, but I was also telling myself I needed this man. I obsessed that only with him in my life would I be happy.]
Our relationship, from beginning to end, would last for nearly 3 years.
I was more obsessed than I was in love. I was more lustful than I was caring. I was needy and self-absorbed. I always knew it would end someday and somehow but I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to extricate myself from this elaborate cage I’d created around myself.
In the middle of this time my husband and I decided we wanted to have a baby. I know what you are immediately thinking. My affair, although in full emotional swing before I got pregnant, was not fully physically intimate until later. I never questioned the paternity of my daughter. I believe now that this was one of the ways, even in the midst of my stupidity, that God had his hand on my life.
Maybe it was an effort to cement a quickly disintegrating marriage, or maybe we were both being selfish by wanting to create something that loved us both unconditionally. Maybe we could start over with this new little life…
I thought new motherhood would reform me.
Another cliché.
But six months after my daughter was born, I found myself in the same vacuum I was before: longing for something that wasn’t mine, trying to steal someone’s husband because of my own depression.
This man and I’d spent some time emotionally celibate, trying to piece together what we could of our broken marriages, but time apart only fed our desires. We came back together with renewed zeal, and this time, entered into a physically intimate relationship.
I’d given him my body and my heart, which really weren’t even mine to give. They belonged to my husband but I thought he was doing such a poor job with them that I was justified in giving them away to someone else.
I will spare the internet world the horrifying details of the next 18 months.
Self-serving. Lost. Dangerous. Hateful. Wrong.
And I began to know myself as
Adulteress.
Ashamed.
Angry.
I searched and didn’t find. I tried to gather and gain, but it all just slid through my fingers. The harder I tried to hold on to my own sanity, the more I felt like I was losing the grip on myself.
[PART THREE: DRIPPING will be posted tomorrow. To read Part 1, click here]
Tags: adultery, choices, marriage, My New Name, my story
Holding your hand with the others through this journey. Of the powerful and mysterious. Your writing speaks to hearts as much as the words, and the gift of the grace yet unfolds.
My good friend, Cindy Beall, always says, “God doesn’t waste a hurt.” He’s certainly not wasting this one. What a testimony to the redemptive power of Jesus. Thank you for your transparency.
I could ask you a million questions right now – but I will wait as the story unfolds, believing and trusting that answers for my own life will come as I read your story. I pray God’s protection over you as you share your story and that the attempts of the enemy to prevent the work that God wants to do to be blocked and prevented. I am so thankful that our God is so much more powerful than our enemy! Much love and prayers to you and Chad!
I think one of the comments referred to a “slow fade”. How accurate. How easy it would be for so many people to judge your actions with a disdain. Not noticing the slow fade in their own lives. We all have areas where we allow small changes to occur that eventually lead to a severing of our relationship and focus with the Lord.
You are simply part of the large group that we are all included in: sinners.
Thank you for your honesty, Sarah. May the Lord honor you and Chad for being open and raw.
All I can think is that God is so amazing…
I found your blog today (through inCourage, I think!) on a day that I didn’t want to read your story. Today would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. My husband had an affair, and we divorced (not because it was what I wanted, but because he said I would never be able to forgive him). He is now married to the woman he had the affair with. This has been so painful, and reading your words has helped me again today to be able to pray for their marriage to be strong and successful. I know that will be the best thing for my kids and grandkids…but it is sometimes SO hard to do.
I have wanted to share my story…and continue to ponder it. I just want to thank you for your courage, and pray that your marriage will continue to thrive and grow and be a glory to God. Thank you for shining your light!
Our serendipitous meeting at the park today was just the boost we both needed, don’t you think? I’m so in awe of your honesty and bravery. You inspire me to be a better woman every day. I love you and cherish our friendship.
With love,
EE
I can see how “tiny poorly-made decisions layered on top of one another” can lead to what happened. We are all vulnerable to this!
I am so encouraged by your willingness to be so vulnerable! Thank you for trusting in Christ enough to share your story! Your “day 2″ is a reminder of just how amazing our Lord is….there is nothing to big or great to be covered by his love and grace! He did not come to heal the well, but those who see and understand their desperate need for HIM! You are a true inspiration…..I know you are touching lives all over with your open heart and beautiful writing! Thank you!!!
I just keep reading these comments and they make me happy for you, happy that you made the choice to do this, and that everyone loves you enough to show you.
Sarah,
You’re an amazing woman of the Lord..and I wish that I had a chance to get to know you better when I was in SoCal. My prayers & blessings to both you and Chad. Thank you for your honesty, purity of heart, and how the Lord speaks through you in your sharing.
God bless,
Shannon
Sarah,
You are brave. You are courageous. You are loved by God the Father and His Son Jesus. No matter what, you are loved!
Blessing and Grace…
Mary
[...] My New Name: Part 2 | Sarah Markley http://www.sarahmarkley.com/2009/08/my-new-name-part-2 – view page – cached PART TWO: CLICHES He was everything my husband wasn’t. He looked different. He talked different. He listened to me. He was there for — From the page [...]
I am so blessed to know you guys…you rock!! I thank God for his grace in your life and pray your story of redemption will inspire and encourage many.
Sarah,
You are an amazing woman of God. Your dad’s and husband’s comments made my heart sing. The support of family is such a testimony to your life now.
Thanks again for sharing.
Hi Sarah. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and allowing God to shine thru your words. I ask that our Heavenly Father blesses you, holds you, and gives you peace. Amen.
Much-Much love.
Reese
Reading through all these comments and my heart swells for you, Sarah. Look at what you have done by opening up!
I believe you and your story is helping change the paths of so many right now.
Oh… and btw… Sarah Mae (commenter #4) – Your question is irrelevant. Why would you need to know these details? It’s none of your business. Are you looking for pointers?
Aaaaaand… I digress. That’s all.
bravery is in you BOTH for realizing the true joy and love is in the marriage you share and the bond you formed under GOD and the faith you must have shared to get through those times and stay together!!!
I am in awe of the stand you have taken, the decision you have made to share, and what God will do through you.
God bless you richly
Thankyou for sharing deeply.
It is very interesting how you see it from the otherside, my sons father started the same kind of affair shortly after he was born. I saw it and was powerless to do anything about it. It is interesting hoow you describe the emotional affair because it was never clear whether the physical line was crossed..as you pointed out it doesn’t really matter.
Wow. You are really brave to share these. I applaud your strength and courage, but cant help wondering- wouldnt your husband feel sort of.. weird(for the lack of a better word) that now everyone knows how his wife had an affair?? I am coming from the perspective of how he may preferably put it all behind him instead? Sorry if this is inappropriate or insensitive. I mean no unkindness.
Thanks for sharing.
Jenice
hi sarah,
got to your blog from (in)courage and though i’m neither in a relationship nor married, i want to applaud your honesty and courage in sharing your story. you know how God has always used the weak and despised to show how marvelous, powerful, gracious and loving He is (think David, Moses etc.)? He’ll use you too through your story. (: blessings from singapore!
Hi Sarah-
Found your blog through (in)courage and am so delighted to read your story. Reading it is like looking at myself and my marriage and my affair just a few short years ago. I think this is perfect timing as well, as I find myself sometimes missing the attention. What a great reminder to me today of who I was then (and don’t ever want to be again) and who I am now in Christ.
I can’t wait to read about the restoration of your marriage and how you all worked through the after effects. It will be 3 years for us in October, and I am astonished sometimes at the still lingering consequences of my sin to both our hearts and our marriage.
We were both saved after this, but are still working on reversing years of dysfunction in our marriage, and it feels so hard sometimes.
In any case, looking forward to reading more!!
Blessings to you!
cliches sure are dangerous things! we convince our self that we need things other than those that god has given us. thanks again for sharing!
jenice – my husband is going to address this a little later this morning here in the comments
a bravery award to you for your honesty and fabulous writing…
a bravery award to your hubby for being strong enough to let you write and share this publicly…
thank you so much for sharing you and your life with us…and enough time has gone by that I have to believe that it feels amazing to get it all out there in the open…no ?
this was hard for me to read. but necessary. sitting here with tears in my eyes, i am grateful for you. know that.
[...] My New Name: Part Two [...]
[...] every day this week, and has kept me on the edge of my seat. Start with Part 1, and then move to Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5. I am flattened by her candor, and inspired by her [...]
i’m not sure what to think of this series … while i think you telling your story will be healing FOR YOU and perhaps others who allow themselves to stray and find reasons to stray, it all comes down to a person making a very clear and obvious choice to break their vows, disobey god, disrespect their spouse and everyone who has committed to support their marriage. a fraud. i’ll read the rest but, as a therapist, i must say i still see some of these selfish characteristics in the things you post, the tweets you update. serving your husband and your family is something we as wives are called to do. i hope you are learning to draw your boundaries better. i hope too that you are still getting some professional help, as it seems you are still dealing with some of the issues. glad you at least know your daughter is yours … still not sure there was text messaging 9 years ago. brave not safe, as your above commenter said … very accurate.
Suzanne –
I would love to respond to you, however you did not leave a valid email address.
Please be as brave as your comment and forward me a correct email address for you.
I will not respond to you in public regarding this.
Suzanne – wow… As a therapist, you sure did throw around your words carelessly. Sarah has painfully poured her heart out here, in obedience to God, and you flippantly call her selfish. You are NOT God. You do NOT know her heart and the fear that covered her the weeks prior to these posts. You don’t even have the courage to leave a last name or link your email address. Disappointing, really.
I truly hope people show you more grace than you have shown here.
For the health of the human race, I hope you don’t treat your clients this way.
Sarah- I know that the Lord is using the truth to continue to set you free. You are truly obedient. May God protect you and keep you strong and filled with hope that He will use you to touch the lives of all who read this, and may he remind those with unkind comments that this is your story and not ours. He is the only one who can interject and change what you are doing. This is something that you are choosing to explain, what an awesome gift to those who you feel you need to share it with, in your words. YOU AMAZE ME IN YOUR HONESTY!
Brooke, Aug 25, 7:57am said it beautifully…
“I’m convinced that it’s when we live out real authentic lives that include our failures as well as our victories that we can be of the greatest use for the Lord in other’s lives. You’ve touched mine today so I say thanks.”