PART TWO: CLICHES
He was everything my husband wasn’t.
He looked different. He talked different. He listened to me. He was there for me.
[Does this sound like a cliché yet? Because it does to me.]
Believe me, none of these are excuses. But in the long sense of this relationship, there were reasons why I cheated.
No one wakes up one day and decides to commit adultery. I don’t know what other people have told you, but something like this takes a hundred million tiny poorly-made decisions layered on top of one another. Never excuses, but certainly reasons.
So I began to take advantage of the lack of boundaries in our marriage and spend more and more time with this man. I took advantage of my husband’s faith in me. Before text messaging, we talked on the phone. A lot. Too much.
And we met to talk and have lunch. We talked about our spouses and our growing need for each other as friends. [By this time I’d become a skilled enough liar that not only was I lying to pretty much everyone I knew, but I was also telling myself I needed this man. I obsessed that only with him in my life would I be happy.]
Our relationship, from beginning to end, would last for nearly 3 years.
I was more obsessed than I was in love. I was more lustful than I was caring. I was needy and self-absorbed. I always knew it would end someday and somehow but I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to extricate myself from this elaborate cage I’d created around myself.
In the middle of this time my husband and I decided we wanted to have a baby. I know what you are immediately thinking. My affair, although in full emotional swing before I got pregnant, was not fully physically intimate until later. I never questioned the paternity of my daughter. I believe now that this was one of the ways, even in the midst of my stupidity, that God had his hand on my life.
Maybe it was an effort to cement a quickly disintegrating marriage, or maybe we were both being selfish by wanting to create something that loved us both unconditionally. Maybe we could start over with this new little life…
I thought new motherhood would reform me.
Another cliché.
But six months after my daughter was born, I found myself in the same vacuum I was before: longing for something that wasn’t mine, trying to steal someone’s husband because of my own depression.
This man and I’d spent some time emotionally celibate, trying to piece together what we could of our broken marriages, but time apart only fed our desires. We came back together with renewed zeal, and this time, entered into a physically intimate relationship.
I’d given him my body and my heart, which really weren’t even mine to give. They belonged to my husband but I thought he was doing such a poor job with them that I was justified in giving them away to someone else.
I will spare the internet world the horrifying details of the next 18 months.
Self-serving. Lost. Dangerous. Hateful. Wrong.
And I began to know myself as
Adulteress.
Ashamed.
Angry.
I searched and didn’t find. I tried to gather and gain, but it all just slid through my fingers. The harder I tried to hold on to my own sanity, the more I felt like I was losing the grip on myself.
[PART THREE: DRIPPING will be posted tomorrow. To read Part 1, click here]
Tags: adultery, choices, marriage, My New Name, my story
I’m new to your blog, but I know exactly what you mean. In college I became involved with a married coworker. At first we were just coworkers who got along well, then friends, then good friends, then confidants, and then we (at least I was) were convinced that we were meant to be together. It happened all so subtly – not the way I thought affairs happened at all. The whole thing lasted about 2 years before it inevitably fell apart.
For a long time I felt so guilty and ashamed, but then when I married my husband, I became grateful for that lesson. Now being a married woman, I know what to look for, and what NOT to do. I know how easily a shared laugh, or even a simple glance can lead to a big mistake. I know how important boundaries are in a marriage, and I know instinctively when I feel like I’m about to cross one – and I turn tail and run the other way!
I’m so glad you have the courage to tell your story here. Sometimes the other woman isn’t the evil she-devil we want to believe she is – sometimes she’s just lost and confused.
Hi Sarah,
I found you thru Cindy Beall. I want to bless you in your endeavor to share your life. I am thankful for your honesty and purity of heart. I appreciate that you have grown and desire to be all that God has called you to be. We do serve an amazing God and you honor him with your story. Stay encouraged as you write.
It takes so much courage and faith to share what is in those closets in the back of your heart – I have a friend that told me it was healing for both yourself and others too. I can see that in action in your story and as I look through your previous posts. The redemption and healing your family has been through – the forgivness that allows you to be a connected “chain”. It makes me sit here in Awe of Jesus and how he can take what is in those closets and repurpose whatever it is into useful beauty.
Thank you for sharing!
I know it was not an EASY choice.
Hi Sarah,
Where did you meet this man and when and where would you spend time with him?
Thank you for sharing your story. I too had an affair. Five years ago today was the day that I gave away what was not mine to give. God has healed and restored my marriage. Your story will help people.
thank you.
Your honesty and courage are such a gift. Thank you so much for your willingness to obey and share your truth. I know that for me and for countless others, there will be hope and healing through your story. Thank you for answering His call.
Sarah, I’m covering you & your family in prayer after reading this powerful, heart-breaking post. You are brave not safe. Restored not destroyed. And your words will help so many become those same things. Praising God for your heart and your message and your courage today. I, for one, believe in exposing our pain and brokenness. Only then can God use it to do all the things He promises in Isaiah 61. And oh, how He wants to do that for so many. Blessings and prayers, dear Sarah!
I think we would all be surprised at how many people we all know that have found themselves in similar situations. Life & marriage are never easy and sometimes we think the grass is greener elsewhere, which isn’t always the case. Should we stumble along our path, and we all will in one manner or another, we need to ensure we learn, grow and not repeat harmful actions.
I can only imagine how strong your marriage is now to be able to discuss this publicly and have your husband and family support you.
Peace to all of you.
Praying peace over you and Chad as you minister to others by sharing your story.
how difficult this must have been for you to write. you’re amazing for sharing your story.
still praying for this week. you’re amazing!
[...] Chad, here at ChadMarkley.com The series in Parts: Part One – My New Name Part Two – Cliche’s Part Three – still to [...]
loving you like i do makes this post very difficult to read, but also very powerful to my own heart.
i agree with amy (above) who says that you are “brave not safe”…this rings true in my heart too. like amy, i am praying for protection for you & your dear ones.
as you know, fear is my personal big battleground, so your very real courage here is a great example to me.
the thing about hard, true stories is that they can heal us…if we let them, both in the telling & in the hearing.
we ALL owe Jesus & you & chad a big thanks for opening your hearts to us!
loving & admiring you as always,
dad
Wow, thank you for your openness and honesty. I have no doubt that by sharing your story you will help many others. God bless both you and your husband!
Thank you Sarah. I’m convinced that it’s when we live out real authentic lives that include our failures as well as our victories that we can be of the greatest use for the Lord in other’s lives. You’ve touched mine today so I say thanks.
May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you.
Girl, how amazing God is. I’m sure this wasn’t the most easiest of things. It is but by his grace, I didn’t venture on out to a full-fledged affair myself. Seriously, I wasn’t strong, he was. I’m so thankful that He rescued you and now you have this to tell. Only a God like this could produce such redemption.
Can’t wait to hug your neck. Course I’ll be 5 months pregnant, but just lean over.
I appreciate your openess to share. I hope it opens doors for others in similar situations to share and heal.
Thank you for sharing. My husband and I have our own similar story but I haven’t found a way to share it yet – it’s still so painful. One day.
The one thing I have learned through this pain is that God is the One who has healed us, has made us able to forgive each other and ourselves. This mess we made for ourselves was the trigger that finally, fully, and thankfully let me feel God in my heart, and that was the moment in which I knew I’d be ok.
Thank you for your courage.
THank you for being so honest. Your honesty and the lessons God has taught you will serve other people so well. Thank you for sharing these tough lessons.
Whoa – as always, you leave me speechless. I admire you so much and can’t even imagine how hard that was to write. I know that God has led me to you for a reason and I am watching every day. Thank you for sharing your story, Sarah. You are a remarkable woman
Hi, Sarah,
I found you through Cindy Beall this morning, and I’m so glad I did. I’m blessed by your honesty, and I want to encourage you as you open your heart and share this part of you with such honesty. More women need to be honest about this sort of thing, and I’m glad you’re willing to step forward.
Blessings to you and your family. Thanks again.
Oh, Sweet Sarah, this is so painful to me. Thank you for sharing the word of your testimony here. I love that in the Long Long run, I know how this ends. It’s my story, too, and really, in the spiritual realm, it’s all our story.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Sarah with such honesty and grace. I pray it will touch many lives, open eyes & hearts and prevent similar situations. You are very brave!
I found your blog through the link you posted on twitter today. Thank you for summoning the bravery and transparency it takes to post something of this magnitude. I look forward to the third entry, and will pass your blog link on!
Sarah mackley you are one brave woman..you have decided to swim against the current to declare your story ..and in doing so the curse of sin has been broken. that was not a cliche.
I was reading a book by Rick Steadman titled ‘Your single treasure’.It was a riveting book cos it expanded the meaning of lust and exposed it in a way that was helpful and freeing, and i quote:
“most of our arguments for purity are negative arguments;be pure or you will feel guilty,or your marriage will fail, or you will be punished..there is only one way to combat lust.he quotes Francois Mauriac in “what i believe”
Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God-Matt5, Purity Mauriac says, “is the condition for a higher love- for a possesion superior to all possesions, God himself”.
Steadman commented,”The thought hit me like a bell rung in a dark, silent hall.So far, none of the scary negative comments against lust had succeeded in keeping me from it.Fear and guilt simply didnot give me resolve;they added self hatred to my problems.But here was a description of what I was missing by continuing to harbor lust:I was limiting my own intimacy with God.The love He offers is so transcendent and possesing that it requires our faculties to be purified and cleansed before we can contain it.Steadmann adds, I wholeheartedly agree with this author. Negative reasons for sexual purity are simply not powerful enough to protect and motivate single adults today,however the positive reasons for single celibacy do more than just guard against impurity and destruction.They have solid genuine content.They fill up a person with a deep sense of satisfaction,esp.when it allows us to obey God and enjoy purity.It enables us to develop a solid foundation for lives of self worth and value which in turn brings a deep sense of joy and contentment!
Cheers Sarah, i wished i knew the before I made a few blunders myself..but the experience makes sense the unexpected huh?
God bless your heart and may your chains be unbroken as you link intimately to posses God above all else.
I really like how you say that your body and heart weren’t yours to give. So insightful Sarah. As a married woman this is such a good reminder. Thanks for sharing your journey. I saw a comment or two with questions regarding specific details and I think you are doing a great job of telling the story without having to give us every detail. I love you!!
excellent Sarah! I too will be praying for your protection as you share your story. It’s powerful and the enemy knows it.
I’m so moved by your words, thank you for opening yourself up to bless others this way. Like Amber said, in the spiritual sense this is all our stories. Love to you, friend.
-Arianne
Sarah, I wasn’t sure how I came across your blog the first time. I figured I found you through a friend, but I had no idea you and Lisa were college roomies! Lisa is a dear friend of mine. You remind me so much of her. Honest, humble, full of love for what God’s given you. Thank you for sharing your story. As hard as it is to share, I know it’s inspired me and countless others to be more purposeful in our marriages. I take my hubby for granted at times, get caught up in just being Mommy to four kiddos. Thank you for putting things in perspective for me. God is working through your words.
Penny
It’s wild all those little and compromises we make along the way…that we convince ourselves and others are okay and meaningless. I have been convicted by these posts. Not because I have struggled with physical/emotional adultery within my marriage…but because I struggle with so many other nameless and named others that have a grasp on my mind and heart. I don’t want to be a woman of compromise or complacency in any area of my life. At. All. So thank you for writing and thank you for pulling these thoughts forward. I hope to continue to be undone by them.
I’m so proud of you, friend. More than I’m proud of your courage, I’m proud of your obedience… you were called to tell your story and you stepped forward in faith. It will be worth it because you will help so many.
I especially appreciated hearing that it’s lots of little decisions that made it happen… I think that is so true of so many events in our lives. It’s good to remember to be vigilant in all our actions.
Love to you today…
My heart is so full right now, because I’m realizing how much I was in the same place, or close to, in being an emotional adulteress, and how much I’m so utterly dependent on God’s grace to keep me safe, as he rescued me nearly 3 years ago, and restored my heart. I’m rejoicing with you, not that this happened, but that we have a loving God who has brought you out of this. May He continue to bless you for your vulnerability.
Memeories of the past makes us rejoice in all the Lord has done and has yet to do in the future! He is the restorer of the breech, the healing of the lame, the raiser of the dead and the anointing oil upon your head as you write this for those who need healing and conviction. I love you treasured one.
Your sis.
girl you have no idea how much this is affecting so many people. thank you for your courage.
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Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. This takes bravery, but will for sure have an effect on people.
http://incurablyawkward.blogspot.com/
you speak such truth and I am thankful for that. You are completely right in saying it’s a million poor decisions that lead you down that road. I applaud your courage and strength and find healing in your words, because this is my story too.
It’s funny how when you are caught up in the middle of something so wrong, and you KNOW that it’s wrong, and you still continue to do it and somehow justify it. I have been there myself, and it is proof of how broken we all really are.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it must be difficult.
I don’t really know what to say other than that you’re incredibly brave for sharing this, and i’ll be praying for you & your husband as you continue to reveal the story. I’ve been reading for awhile, not sure if i’ve commented before, but you’re an amazing woman and a beautiful writer. God is shining through you!
I love you.
Our brokenness, Christ’s gracious blood, our redemption.
Your story of redemption beautifully portrays the Gospel. Thank you for telling it. May God use it mightily for His Kingdom.
Praise be to God.
And I love you!
Love you…
Sarah, these posts are breaking my heart. At the same time, I’m blown away by your courage to share this story. God has clearly had His hand on your life, and I can’t wait to hear how He’s redeemed your marriage.
Dang girl. I’m so proud.
Keep writing…
Keep writing…
You are touching lives, my friend. Thank you for being so honest, transparent, brave and courageous in sharing your story. I love you!
I found your blog while scrolling through some others online. Your story is encouraging, your honesty is touching and I appreciate your openness to bare so much of your personal struggles. Thanks for sharing.
Love you.
It has been a very long time since I have walked through this story. Sometimes we need to “look back” to know how amazing “right now” really is.
I am amazed at the number of lives this is touching right now!
Day 2….I love you more today than I did on Day 1.
Today I feel like the grace of God is not only DEEP but it is WIDE extending to us all.
Hearing from all of you, all over the country and world, and knowing He has thrown a net of grace to cover me, you.
Your loving and encouraging comments have completely floored me and humbled me and made me understand God a little more than I did this morning.
Thank you.
I almost did this. And it is so true, how easily tiny concessions lead to monstrous disasters. It truly is a slow fade.