DRIPPING
I’m holding a colander underneath the cool running water in the sink.
The water is running through and down and around, but I can’t figure out why.
Someone who is involved in sexual sin thinks that the colander won’t leak. Even though I knew in my brain I was holding a bowl designed to leak I saw it as intact. I thought I could hold all the water in, but instead it just ran out all over the place. And I’d made a horrible, devastating mess.
Everything I was doing was beginning to fall apart.
I was trying to hold together two relationships: one given to me by God and one that I had taken. I didn’t want to lose my husband and my daughter, but I didn’t want to end my affair. I didn’t know HOW to end my affair.
But it all began to break down. I lied so much sometimes I didn’t even know if I was telling the truth or not. I began to become overly obsessed with my weight including exercising and eating habits. I thought this other man loved me in a way that was different than my husband loved me and I thought I needed both in order to be whole. During this time I would try to hold it all together, like water in a sieve, but it all just ran out.
Alcohol in unhealthy quantities was also a regular part of our weekends. My husband and I would go “out” in groups (after getting overnight babysitting) dancing and drinking and doing things married people, God’s people, should not be doing. He would be there too, along with my husband. This was one of the ways I saw him and fulfilled my own twisted desires to steal (someone’s husband), kill (my love from my own husband), and destroy (both relationships). My husband and I hated being alone together during this period of time because it was “no fun”. The truth was, we were too scared to see what would happen if the dust settled and we were forced to really look hard at each other.
So we filled up our emptiness with other things, people, trips…
And through this whole time, we’d show up to church the next day after a night of excessive drinking and act like nothing had happened. Sometimes I’d still be drunk on Sunday mornings. But I was great at hiding it.
I became wildly polar in my emotions. One afternoon I’d be uncontrollably crying and that same night, I might be basking in the attention of being the life of the party. I was depressed and I loathed myself and what I was doing.
One night, when I was out with a girlfriend and we were both very drunk, she asked me directly if I was having an affair.
I denied it, but I knew she’d seen it in my face, in my demeanor and in my actions.
She asked me again and I caved easily. I told her just enough to satisfy her incessant vodka-motivated questioning. She told me to end it and tell my husband.
Of course I will…
But I didn’t. And a month passed and she asked me again if I’d told. And I hadn’t. Because, namely, I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to tell the truth anymore.
I’d begun to know myself best as
Faithless.
Disloyal.
Untrue.
The train crash that happened next was both the worst and best thing that ever happened to me.
It maimed me. But it also healed me.
[PART FOUR: CRASH will be posted tomorrow. To start from the beginning, Part 1 and Part 2]
Tags: adultery, choices, marriage, My New Name, my story
I am reading your blog and it is really going to my head I have not cheated but my husband has ina way and I forgave him but i want him to show more Love and appreciated to me not because I forgave him but b/c he is my husband so I have thought about talking to other men on the phone but I know that is an emotion affair and I don’t want that of course b/c of God in my life so I am just trying to trust God to touch him to be the husband that I need. Thank You for sharing your story
These comments are bringing me to tears. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. God is using you and your story in such a big way. I love you!
wow… sarah. i remember that time, feeling and seeing the distance in your presence. i didn’t quite understand it. then, being removed from every one for some time and hearing of you renewing your vows. i remember the next time i saw you. you glowed. the transformation was real and tangible. i think what truly sticks out to me in this story is how truly vulnerable we all are to trying to keep up our christian front. to prove to all what great Godly people we are. becoming pharisees judging others while we harbor in our hearts the truth of our own(my own)deep darkness. only God is Godly. we are broken empty vessels for Him to use. which he does with His boundless perfect love through the gospel of Jesus. your story of redemption is living proof of His amazing grace. proof that no matter how self-righteous, controlling, and adulterous we all at some point become, He is still sovereign and merciful. He will work it out to His end.
thank you for your honesty. my prayer is that we (i) become more and more open and vulnerable with each other, understanding no one is better or less than. only than can we truly love each other as our humble savior loves His church. thank you again, you have paved the way and triggered deep change. your truth has humbled me.
love, ~laura
I found your site thru alece. your honesty and transparency is amazing.
Sarah, you are so brave to share your story. And it is evident God is using it for His glory. You are an incredible writer and an incredible woman of God. Love you.
Sarah,
I’m almost old enough to be your mother, but my (2nd) husband and I had a marriage that was based on drinking, drugs, and lies.
I do know that underneath all of that he loved me and I know I loved him.
We were never able to make it right, he died in a car accident 6 years ago. We ran out of time and it still haunts me to this day.
I’m so glad you and your husband made it.
I am totally blown away by how wide God can cast His net of grace and mercy. Comment after comment clearly demonstrates this truth.
God is faithful AND able to complete whatever work He decides to start in our lives. We simply need to be patient and endure the season of heartache that may come with that part of the journey.
(Sorry, don’t mean to get all Christianeezy)
Sarah, Day 3 and I still love you more than Day 1 or 2!
I’ve gotten hooked into your blog through (in)Courage – I keep coming back to reread the different parts of your story. Thank you so much for sharing.
Tears are streming down my face as I read this…may God give you the strength to complete the work that he has for you! You know it is truly amazing to read this and know that God really works in mysterious ways! I am in total & complete AWE!
Its like a car wreck. I don’t want to keep reading, remembering what my ex did with her and her and her…but I can’t help but keep reading. Part of me really dislikes you and God is growing the rest of me through your story. The forgiveness I though I gave, possibly wasn’t complete. I’ll be interested in part 4.
oakley – i understand why you dislike me.
but i’m glad you’re here.
Thank you so much for sharing, truly a blessing for those seeking healing and repentance…
Confession and healing took place today. I am set free by His blood, and have been made whole. Thank you for having the courage to do something difficult; you’re faithfulness to Christ is bringing about restoration in others.
Hi, could you at some point address how you overcame your fears about posting your story? How would you deal with knowing that the people who knows you in real life (church goers, friends/neighbours in your community etc) may possibly judge you and see you differently (perhaps in a negative light) from now on? How would you cope with knowing that there may be gossip about you behind your back, and that people may discuss about this and come to their own conclusions about you based on your sharing?
I am so fascinated by your courage, and I know that I have alot to learn. Hope you dont mind my candid questions.
I think you are a SUPERSTAR, for being honest, for being authentic, and for just trying to get through this life in one piece. Do not forget that no one is perfect…but you are striving to do what is right, and baring your soul. I have the utmost respect for you and your husband to have worked through this, and to have made your life and your marriage better. I applaud you! (And I fell into this website and am addicted! I too have young girls, and you have taught me to slow down and appreciate the time I have with them)
WOW.
You continue to inspire and encourage others by letting God use you …
Thank you for being real. And even though I don’t know you … the real you is evident here. Bold and bright!
Amazing, Sarah. My deepest prayer is that many people will see themselves in what you’ve written before it’s too late. That your words will be a wake up call.
Thank-you for sharing this…this could have been me..so easily could have been me! I lasted 3 months and somehow, SOMEHOW, was saved by the GRACE of GOD!! THANKS for sharing your story!
Thank you for your honesty. You have inspired me, just in the last 3 days since finding your blog, to make some much needed changes in my life. God is using you and your words in ways you’ll never know. Thank you for being obedient to Him.
Sarah,
As you know I have been reading your blog for awhile now. So many posts you write, I feel, are speaking directly to me. As I have mentioned, I feel that we have very parallel lives and I think you would be someone I could really build a friendship with. I admire all of your authenticity and your honesty. So much of what you “speak” outloud, so many of us feel and can relate to.
It’s not common that we come across people who are just REAL, but you are. I hope, since we live somewhat close, that one day we can meet. I just love you!
xoxo Trina
Sarah…THANK YOU sharing your story and for your faithfulness to be used as the Lords vessel.
your story is riveting and I have no doubt is reaching people, women and helping them. thank you for sharing such a hard thing!
Totally respect you. xoxo
…and i am grateful for that friend of yours. (i feel so overwhelmed sitting in starbucks hearing the details of your story. my fingers are shaking; my eyes are overflowing. and i just keep thinking that i wish we were sitting together on a couch having this conversation instead…)
Thank you for your honesty about your responsibility in this and the choices you made. We have a God who is willing to forgive His very sinful children. Thankfully it sounds like you have a family with a Christ-like attitude.
Too often our culture tells us that what we feel is right. Thanks for your honesty about sinful thoughts and desires and what they really are. Our personal “fulfullment” is not a justification for sin.
Thank you.
Praying for you as you pour out your heart to us.
All I can say is, wow. Have you answered how long you had been married at this point? I ask because I think a lot of marriages get to around year 7 or 8, and they get jostled by discontentment. I know mine did. Wow, thank you, Sarah, for your honesty. So completely bold. Thank you, Chad, for your courage. You both are a true inspiration.
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This blog is so much more than courageous. If only more of us could dust off our heels and own who we were and who God is making us all at the same time. So many times we show who God wants us all to be in the midst of friends and family. This reminds me to share where I am at in the long walk with God to where he wants me to be. May you, Chad, and the girls be filled with love and be surrounded by Him in this journey!
Sarah, I know that God has directed your steps, as I sit here I am seperated from my husband I had an affair and now he is, even though it seems like our life together is over I’m truly trusting God to restore, I felt like I was so wicked when I done this and the guilt choked real happiness out of me and the pain that we both are going through. I Ask that all that read this blog please pray for my husband and me for marriage restoration, I truly trust God now more than I ever have and I am now faithful to God and also to my strayed husband whom I will wait until Gods bring him home so we can have a marriage that God intended with love, honesty, trust, and forgiveness
God bless you and your family
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