DRIPPING
I’m holding a colander underneath the cool running water in the sink.
The water is running through and down and around, but I can’t figure out why.
Someone who is involved in sexual sin thinks that the colander won’t leak. Even though I knew in my brain I was holding a bowl designed to leak I saw it as intact. I thought I could hold all the water in, but instead it just ran out all over the place. And I’d made a horrible, devastating mess.
Everything I was doing was beginning to fall apart.
I was trying to hold together two relationships: one given to me by God and one that I had taken. I didn’t want to lose my husband and my daughter, but I didn’t want to end my affair. I didn’t know HOW to end my affair.
But it all began to break down. I lied so much sometimes I didn’t even know if I was telling the truth or not. I began to become overly obsessed with my weight including exercising and eating habits. I thought this other man loved me in a way that was different than my husband loved me and I thought I needed both in order to be whole. During this time I would try to hold it all together, like water in a sieve, but it all just ran out.
Alcohol in unhealthy quantities was also a regular part of our weekends. My husband and I would go “out” in groups (after getting overnight babysitting) dancing and drinking and doing things married people, God’s people, should not be doing. He would be there too, along with my husband. This was one of the ways I saw him and fulfilled my own twisted desires to steal (someone’s husband), kill (my love from my own husband), and destroy (both relationships). My husband and I hated being alone together during this period of time because it was “no fun”. The truth was, we were too scared to see what would happen if the dust settled and we were forced to really look hard at each other.
So we filled up our emptiness with other things, people, trips…
And through this whole time, we’d show up to church the next day after a night of excessive drinking and act like nothing had happened. Sometimes I’d still be drunk on Sunday mornings. But I was great at hiding it.
I became wildly polar in my emotions. One afternoon I’d be uncontrollably crying and that same night, I might be basking in the attention of being the life of the party. I was depressed and I loathed myself and what I was doing.
One night, when I was out with a girlfriend and we were both very drunk, she asked me directly if I was having an affair.
I denied it, but I knew she’d seen it in my face, in my demeanor and in my actions.
She asked me again and I caved easily. I told her just enough to satisfy her incessant vodka-motivated questioning. She told me to end it and tell my husband.
Of course I will…
But I didn’t. And a month passed and she asked me again if I’d told. And I hadn’t. Because, namely, I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to tell the truth anymore.
I’d begun to know myself best as
Faithless.
Disloyal.
Untrue.
The train crash that happened next was both the worst and best thing that ever happened to me.
It maimed me. But it also healed me.
[PART FOUR: CRASH will be posted tomorrow. To start from the beginning, Part 1 and Part 2]
Tags: adultery, choices, marriage, My New Name, my story
Thank you again for sharing your story. You are breaking the chains of bondage by sharing what this affair did to you. The more I share my story about my affair the more free I feel from the shame, the guilt. Never to forget though…never forget the hurt, the pain, what I destroyed. Never to forget though..
Bless you Sarah.
Here I am again. Loving you.
I am awed by your transparency …. thank you.
Praying… Thank you for opening yourself up to all of us…
Thank you for giving us this gift of your story.
Sarah: Thank you for putting on display a part of your life most of us would rather keep locked away if it were us. I trust and pray your story will help any number of people either in similar situations now or in the recent past confront the truth and move toward healing.
Thank you for sharing this…I am going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage, praying for restoration of it…even though i feel like i made it end….it has been the most difficult year of my life…but i know there is a purpose for it all…thank you thank thank you for sharing…..
thanking God for you and for what he did in your life and what he continues to do…
Oh my goodness Sarah, every morning i read more of story and you might as well be telling mine…….it pulls at me from the depths of my soul and i am more in awe of “HIS” grace on me daily. God’s Freedom from bondage and healing our broken places is the intent of his heart. How he longs to pursue his bride passionately. He is our BRAVEHEART! Thanks again for sharing.
I think that so many of us can relate to what you went through, even if we were never in that specific situation. It’s amazing how lies have this way of multiplying and feeding off one another and taking on a life of their own. Again, thanks for being courageous enough to share your story.
My marriage was destroyed by my husband’s affair and to some extent, ten years on, I still live with the fall-out. I cannot really explain how reading what you have to say heals me. Maybe it’s because I can see that the woman my husband chose is a person who probably knew what she was doing was terrible but didn’t love herself enough to give it up. I’ve never wanted to see her as a person and I’ve never wanted to forgive him. Maybe it’s time I did both.
God bless you x.
thank you so much for sharing this. i’ve been married for 3 1/2 years and have occasionally had extra-marital thoughts, and your story has thrown light on what happens and the feelings that go with it. i’m so glad i came upon your blog.
Sarah,
thank you sweet girl!
Been there – done that; except it didn’t get physical. Thankfully, God pulled my back from the abyss before it got to that point, but I was everything you were: self-centered, with all the “good reasons” why this was OK.
I am so thankful that God healed my marriage – it’s better than it ever was. Thank you for sharing; maybe we can keep other women from walking down this path.
(name changed to protect anonymity)
Wow…thanks for sharing your story. God is a Redeemer!
I made sure I had time to read this today before my schedule started. You have captured me and I am bowled over by your humility and unfailing faith. God Bless you and your family, Sarah.
my whole life i have looked up to you, my big sister! and you continually amaze me with your strength, your candor, and your courage. i am truly blessed to have you as my friend and my sister. i love you and as always i am proud of you!
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Your honesty is heart-wrenching and beautiful. God is amazing, and sometimes we fight so hard against letting him in.
thank you once again for you complete honesty…you continue to move me.
My heart is pounding in my ears right now, because I know what’s coming next. I feel like I’m watching someone fall through the air without a parachute.
But the agony of hitting bottom and splintering into a thousand pieces is the only way to let Jesus make you whole. I know this too.
what a good, brave friend to face you and call you to come clean. even that little act of bravery shows the way god keeps himself present in our lives when we push him away.
love you friend!
I’ve been amazed over and over again this week by God and you all.
Thank YOU for being open and sharing your stories with me.
I’m honored.
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing. You are a brave, strong woman. I have been there. I have cheated not once, not twice, but three times. I was depressed & hated myself, but those are not excuses. They were huge mistakes I made. Horrible decisions. I will always regret what I did. I am so thankful to have the husband I have.
Thank you for being honest & sincere. My prayer is that this makes your relationship with your husband even stronger than ever. I pray that some lives are touched and turned around by reading your story. I pray that more women will realize how easy it is to make these bad decisions. I pray if anyone reading this is considering cheating that they will realize what they could destroy & change their mind.
You are so brave. I would love to tell my story on my blog, but I’m scared. I’m scared of my friends from church looking at me differently or not wanting to be friends if they knew.
jessie – don’t be scared.
i’m learning that courage and fear can coexist.
because please believe i’ve been scared for weeks about this.
love you…bless you…
thank you for your honesty & having the integrity to take us on your heart’s journey toward Jesus…
isn’t Jesus amazing? He understands & loves us through all these deep, dark places.
and He doesn’t give up on us!
love you,
dad
Wow. Just wow.
I have chills reading these. I feel like I shouldn’t be reading all this, like it’s spying.
But I am so glad you’re sharing it. It is amazing to watch God work. Then and now.
I can’t wait for the rest.
Love you.
Thank you for your honesty…your truthfulness will help someone who is maybe reading this. I know that God will bless you for this!
love you sarah. it’s so apparent that God is using the mess to create something beautiful. amazing!!
In awe of your transparency and praying for your continued courage to inspire and heal others.
A great big huge hug. And only I really understand why the most. Thank you.
Still praying… loving you… knowing so very well how you feel.
You’re amazing… (and don’t watch Coraline! OMW! creeeeeeeepy!)
[...] series in Parts: Part One – My New Name Part Two – Cliche’s Part Three – Dripping Part Four 1 – Crash 1 Part Four 2 – Crash [...]
hey sarah,
I’m 28 years old, about to celebrate my 1 year anniversary with my aamazing husband, with our 2 month old baby boy…yeah, it’s been a busy year! anyways, i just want to say that i’m seriously thanking God I came across your blog through incourage.
Since reading part of your story, I started going to counseling because I realized that my ex still had part of my heart and it wasn’t fair to my husband. There’s so much more I could say about all this and how your story resonates deeply with mine…but I’ll just say thank you again and I SO appreciate how authentic you are….it’s refreshing.
You are such a dear friend to me and I am again encouraged at how God can change lives when we are broken before him. I love you so much and I love your tender heart.
I can relate so much, as can most of us, on not knowing how to stop the sin, stop the actions that lead us away from God. Even from a distance, it took me nearly five years to heal from the brokenness I brought into my life. Sometimes being whole was scarier than being broken.
I too lived through an affair. Yet it was not mine, it was my husband’s… It has been 21 years. My marriage is more beautiful today than I could have ever imagined. Healing came, restoration came… truth came to set us free.
Thank you for this snapshot into the “other woman’s” choices… It has given me an even greater compassion for her…
I believe an even greater healing will come to you as you share this. I have discovered that is true in our lives when God invites us to share our story…
I write anonymously because I have older children who read my blog and I would not want them to see anything about this. It is their father’s broken past… I want it to stay that way.
I’ve tried to email you but the email address on your blog they say is not a working email address. I’d like you to know my name.
Your honesty is a breathtaking as your writing style.
Sarah…you are touching and blessing so many people…it’s
amazing. YOU BLESS ME! I love you.
With every new part of this story I am left amazed at your bravery and candidness.
Sarah,
You have blessed me today, thank you for sharing. I encourage you to write your book, you have a story to tell.
Anita
this makes me wish i could go back in time to hug the girl you were and tell her it will all be ok. no, better than ok… it will be blessed. so proud of you.
Anon – my email should be working. sarah at markleytech dot com
i think you got in touch with me via facebook. if not, try the email again.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are blessing so many people!
I stumbled across your blog through a couple of others that I read now and then…. WOW. I am constantly amazed at how God leads us to what He wants us to know, see and learn. You could be telling MY story here. I cannot wait to find out what happened next. God healed me and my marriage in such an incredible way……our stories are so parallel. I’ll be back to read more, for sure.
I’m so very glad you were “maimed”…. and are a living, breathing, healing testimony to how “God Works”!
I love you!
Traci
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Isn’t it amazing how God can change us when we fall broken before Him. What a blessing your story will be to others.
Oh Sarah…thank you so much for writing this. I know exactly how God can restore and heal a broken mess…He did with me too. My sin was not exactly “this” but there are many years of some awful awful behavior.
You are speaking to so many of us and I thank you. You are truly helping someone right now…I know it.
Praying for you!
Love,
Fran
ALL I can say is WOW. I know that the story doesn’t even touch on the amount of pain and hurt that both you and your husband (and other family) have felt from the damage of sin… but what an amazing testimony and beautiful story of repentance and restoration. Your bravery and courage in sharing is encouraging to so many. Thank you for putting aside fear to help others. It’s not something anyone obviously WANTS in a marriage, but sometimes it takes those trials to make us who we are today. Thank you for showing that there are two ways to go once you go down that path. Continue or Repent. To God be the glory.
I ran across this blog thru another, and now will be a daily read. Thank you so much for sharing this painful past – it’s like you are telling my story. What a blessing – God is using you to help and heal so many women. Thank you.