CRASH
She told.
She told our pastors.
On January 4, 2004 Chad and I were invited into a room at our church. My pastor and his wife and our associate pastor and his wife were there with us.
One of them said directly to me, “Sarah, we know that there is something that you need to tell Chad.”
And there it was, a choice. I could lie. I was so skilled at it that no one would know I was lying. I could say that I was drunk when I confessed. Or I could tell the truth and it would all be over. Everything I’d been trying to hold together for so long would be done. I hated myself so much and what I was doing to my marriage that I was willing to accept whatever consequences would fall.
I was tired, to be honest. I was tired of hiding, of lying, of hating myself.
I asked them all to leave so I could address my husband by myself. They agreed and waited in an adjacent room.
So I told the truth. Finally.
Only by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit, still waiting on the fringes of my life, did I have the strength to do this. I never claimed that I did this through my own power, and even at the time I recognized the way I was drawn to confess.
I told him everything. How long. With whom. And he raged. And yelled and threw things and said things even he doesn’t remember now.
And I broke in half.
I began to realize what I had actually done. How much I’d ruined.
He left and told me to leave. He told me to go to my parent’s house and tell them what I did.
The next hours are a blank in my memory. There are things I remember and things I don’t.
I know I was suicidal. I know that my sister drove with me. I know that I was without hope. I know that I might be losing my daughter who wasn’t two yet and my husband who I’d never stopped loving.
Before I went to my mother and father’s I found myself on the living room floor of my associate pastor and his wife. I wept and didn’t know anything else but that I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to live this life anymore, duality reigning and never knowing who I was. I wanted to love Jesus. I wanted to love my husband the way he deserved to be loved. The way I had promised to love him.
She held me and prayed with me. She told me who I was in Christ. She helped me to the feet of Jesus and carried me like the man who had to be lowered in through the roof to be healed. She bore my stretcher and I broke a second time.
And then I left. There were things I had to do.
I drove to my parent’s house and as I crossed the threshold of the home I’d known since I was 3 years old I told them what I’d done. The only word I associate with that night is harbor. For so long I had been without an anchor, but now God’s people were beginning to point me to safety. My parents took me in and loved me. She told me to take a shower and eat something and made up their bed for me. Before I slept, I picked up the Bible for the first time in several years.
Psalm 51.
I didn’t know if Chad would ask me for a divorce. I didn’t know if I was going to be forgiven. I didn’t know if he would let me see my beautiful baby anymore. All I knew was that I was finished with my old life. I didn’t know what my new life would look like but I was quickly becoming prepared to accept the consequences. I knew that Jesus had forgiven me but I didn’t know if my husband would.
And somehow, miraculously, I was immediately sorrowful. From the beginning I glimpsed the horror and the devastation I had caused. And although this was so difficult, it is what saved me.
I was ready to do anything it took to save my family and to try to revive what I’d killed.
My new names were
Forgiven.
Grace-Lended.
Found.
[PART FIVE: FOUNDATION and the conclusion of this story will be posted tomorrow.]
If you are new today, begin with Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3
Tags: adultery, confession, forgivness, grace, marriage, My New Name, my story
Sarah,
Was this day a Sunday? Did this follow service? I recall this day, never knowing what it was about. I remember standing in the hallway of church outside of the first grade room and noticing our pastors and their wife’s talking to you, herding you into the pastor’s old office at the end of the hallway. I never know what went on in there but I could tell it was life threatening in some manner. I remember the look on your face. I recall what I didn’t understand as fear, sadness, anger, tears and restainment. I know that something was going on but I didn’t know what.
I also remember trying to be your friend during these times. It was so hard because you were so unpredictable. You are one of the few people that I always had a hard time reading. I always felt drawn to reach out to you but when I did something always didn’t feel right. You always seemed so distant, sad, unapproachable which caused me to close down and also be unapproachable and distant. Sorry about that.
I also recall a year or two after all of this noticing change in you. You seemed freed, peaceful, approachable and friendly. I remember pointing out this change in you to my mother-in-law. She too noticed the change. Shortly after noticing this change in you, I was in your house for a couple’s bible study. I noticed the great picture above your fireplace. I recall you having a new wedding band and put two and two together.
Anyhow, I share this with you because I always felt God’s tugging on my heart with you. I remember struggling in trying to figure out what was going on with you or was it just me? I’m not one to pry but I tried several times to share hard things in my life to see if you needed a door to open to share what was going on with you, tugging on your heart. What was causing you to be so closed off, quiet and sad? I felt inferior often to you until I saw the change in you than I felt equal. I never understood but I noticed the change in you. I always felt like you wanted to open up to me but didn’t know how. I believe that God protected me, by offering you a different way to deal with this. I wouldn’t have handled this very well. However, I do believe that all sin is the same. I know I have sinned too and have been forgiven. I am a strong person and I do want the hard truth. I want the opportunity to deal with a situation. I understand that you were not ready to share or share with me. God had a plan for you, a plan to save your life, your family and your marriage. I am so thankful that God always has a plan. We just have to be ready to face it, follow through with it. Although this is hard for me to read, because I feel so sad for Chad and your girls, reading this is eye-opening. I am remembering exact times we spent time together and I recall your domineer and how each memory I have fits into the timeline of all of this.
I have wanted to talk to you about our past as friends and trying to form a friendship and not ever having the right opportunity to bring things up. I am sharing these memories with you and my observations with you in hopes for a new start as friends. I believe in being open, sharing things and leaning on one each other and being able to laugh with one another. I will be praying for you, Chad, your girls and family as you share your story. It is hard to read and makes memories so fresh. I will pray for a covering of healing with your sharing. I know when I talk about my rock bottom, God had to take me there three times to get my attention and the sharing heals me but also awakens my memories. I can recall and picture events in my head so vividly, like they were yesterday. I even recall what your dress looked like that day I saw you in the hall. Just be careful not to awaken feelings along with the memories that go along with your story. I have to choose to not allow certain things in my head because they just fester and before you know it my feelings of loneliness, darkness, uncleanlyness, fear, anxiety… come back in the blink of an eye.
I am so thankful for the cross; for the forgiveness of sin. I am so thankful that you gave your sin to Jesus and left it at his feet and accepted earthly consequences. I am so thankful that you are new, restored and forgiven!
Love ya,
Christi
This story is so moving, I can’t even put it into words.
And your dad’s comment on this post had me in tears. What a loving man.
You are amazing. I love watching repentance, grace, forgiveness, and healing at work.
Thanks. I am in tears too, like so many others.
But what I needed today…
Psalm 51.
Again, Thanks. I needed to hear that.
My comment to wondering… wait. Wait until you feel it’s the time, until God speaks to you it’s time. While it’s fresh, wounds are open, feelings are tender, shame is prevalent – is not the time. Wait. Wait until time has passed, wounds are healed, shame is not the banner you wear. Wait. Because as you wait, the story builds, the testimony grows, the story of redemption and forgiveness take hold, and then it will move mountains by God’s Glory.
Your story is just amazing. I could feel the pain and sadness and desolation you and your husband felt that day. I’m so grateful to know you two worked things out and came closer to the Lord!
Sarah, I’m new to this blog. In fact, I’m brand new to blogging period. I have been on the other end of your story, your husband’s end…only mine never fully confessed to my face. He eventually divorced me and continued the affair in secret until I moved miles away. Later on marrying the woman. How I longed for repentance, humility, a softening of his heart, but it wasn’t how things went in the end. I share this because you gave your marriage that gift, and it was able to breathe again, the heart of your marriage although almost slowed to a complete flat line, was beginning to beat a little stronger at that point in which you confessed. I can’t imagine his reaction, what it was like to be in that room that day…and I’m sure it had to be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done, to look your husband in the eye and share those horrible things with him, but in the end, it was the only way. If you had continued to lie and deceive yourself and those around you, I doubt the healing would have ever had a chance to take place. Thank you for making the choice in the room that day. I’m sure it doesn’t need to be said, but I’m compelled to say, thank you on behalf of your husband, and your daughter. Praise God for your willingness to finally let go of the sin that had so entangled you. What a gift and testimony you are to His complete healing, comfort and ever enduring love.
Looking back on that day, dear Sarah, I’m thankful your path was
lined with people who cared for you and loved you. The Lord’s hand
was on you…His hand is on you now. His rescue of you was beautiful.
I love you.
marie-pierre – I am so sorry. I am.
jessica – i think you know to do. stop and tell. as soon as you do, it can all be over if you choose. there are always consequences, some bigger than others, but there is no substitute for the freedom that comes in following Christ. i will be praying for you.
wondering – i agree. wait. it took me three years before i was able to share this in public and then 5 1/2 before i was able to share it here. in the beginning we told people who wondered that we had had some big trouble in our marriage and that we were healing now. most people understood and were alright with that.
christi – i’m sorry for not being a good friend. i was a bad friend to most people. i’m really sorry.
I am so amazed at how God surrounded you with loving, caring, non-judgmental people to help you make your way back to him, and to your husband. Especially at how your parents reacted. Their love is exactly the model of love that we should give our children. That of compassion and forgiveness just as God has given us. Thank you for sharing this, to putting your story out there for others to know that as Christians we aren’t protected from sin, but instead forgiven.
brought to tears… your heart is so beautiful Sarah. Isn’t God’s love ridiculous! He surrounded you with people who love you. keep shining my friend!
Sarah,
You are so encouraging and what you are doing for so many others is breathtaking! You are laying a safe foundation for others to speak about this and to be transparent, as you are. You are really an amazing woman and have learned so much from your past. You are sharing with others what they can have the courage to do also. Bless you in so many ways.
love, Trina
These comments are amazing.
I read one comment today that got me thinking; “I didn’t want to pry”.
I wonder if we as Christians don’t pry enough, in the “right way”. I think Christians are the BEST at getting into others “junk” but we really suck at doing it in a loving manner with the primary goal being to restore and reconnect them to the heart of the father.
Just a thought.
I love you Sarah
i am not married yet, but when i read your story, it reminds me to practice having a pure heart right now, while im still single. the importance to learn how to draw boundaries, to not lust after things that do not belong to me. to learn how to love and communicate in the most healthy ways possible. also, to accept grace when i am weak and have failed. to not care so much about what people think, but what God thinks and getting right with Him!! love you so much for sharing your story. God bless & protect you & your family abundatly!!
oh the tears keep coming.
i love you more for this. for your heart. for your repentance. for your sorrow.
what i’ve experienced is the complete antithesis of that. and reading something so different from what i’ve known has crashed down a whole a new layer of grief. that i didn’t know existed in my heart. and while it hurts, i need to mourn even this — what wasn’t.
yeah, it’s time to leave starbucks now…
i love you alece. i’m sorry about what has happened in your situation.
may God restore you. He will.
I can’t thank you enough for being so transparent. Your girls will thank you for that. My mom had an affair early in her marriage and I am the product of that affair. She never told me, I happened to find out on my own in high school. Her hiding the truth has strained our relationship. She also never told the man she had the affair with that he has a daughter, so I have never known my father. I am so thankful to God that he can turn bad things into good, but it is hard sometimes, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so honest.
Sarah,
What an amazing friend God gave you-to risk losing her friendship with you to do the right thing. That takes a lot of courage.
Thank you for reminding all of us that every marriage needs to be protected, especially in hard times. No marriage is perfect, unable to be led astray. I have been bawling reading every post and the comments, and I’m glad to know already that there is a happy ending to this story.
<3,
Mary
@chad markley “I think Christians are the BEST at getting into others “junk” but we really suck at doing it in a loving manner with the primary goal being to restore and reconnect them to the heart of the father.”
This is so true. I am praying that God creates a heart in me to be the one whose heart is always pure – for restoration – wholly and completely out of love that person. I’d sure want that kind of love for myself.
Again, emotions flowing. And, your dad is precious.
Sarah,
I sit here and think…WOW, how is my story so much more common than I thought? My repentance has brought me to a new place and even though we are still in the “healing” process, I can truly rejoice in my sufferings and in my weakness, because I am no longer bound by my sin! Thank you for being honest, transparent and real! Like you, I thank the Lord that He used my loving/caring friend, faithful pastor & his wife, and open-armed parents, to hold me up and encourage me as I sought forgiveness from my husband. By the grace of God we just celebrated 10 years of marriage!
Thank you.
You are brave. God is good.
Amen.
Sarah,
It has been SO amazing to read this series everyday this week and all the amazing comments that have come through it.
Your obedience and transparency is so obviously blessing and touching so many people. Thank you so much.
I wish Christians really knew how to be real with one another – it was such a courageous step for you to step out in such a vulnerable way. You are such an example.
I pray that you and your family are covered in the Lord’s grace and protection this week and the following weeks. We know the enemy doesn’t like it when we make such an impact for Jesus Christ and YOU are definitely making in impact in so many ways and in so many hearts.
Sarah,
My heart echoes so many of the comments already made…thank you for sharing; your transparency, and how the Lord gave you; new names and how He is using you to touch others and the ministry with this blog and your writing; and so much more. Amen, Chad and Heidi; we need to be real with each other and thank you, Sarah for being real with us. Sending you prayers, and love.
Keeping fight the good fight of faith and praying for you, Chad, and your family.
Tears of … ? joy? envy? I want so much this “happy”-ending, but I guess my time is not right now. Instead, I struggle to wait in Him, while He is working in me. I can’t help but be impatient for him – my husband to look to Him so we can start this process of recovery. Your story is proof that such disastrous situations can still have hope and happy-endings – at least endings where we you can bask in the warmth of God’s love together with your spouse.
I need hope that I will taste marital unity that reflect God. I need strength while I wait on Him. I need wisdom as I pave through this minefield. I need to be reminded that though my parents and husband aren’t there to offer love, I have Jesus who loves me…and that it is real love not just in words. I need hope, I need strength, and I need to learn to wait on Him and be open to what God is revealing in my own life…
Excerpt from above to serve as a reminder to me…”sometimes “that” moment of surrender to God takes a while. It doesn’t always happen in an instant just because sin is finally uncovered; rather it can be a long process full of hope and the ripping away of things about yourself you never realized before was displeasing to God.”
Your story will help so many find who they are in Christ. What a beautiful picture of redemption He’s painting through your words.
At the risk of missing the point, Sarah, this is beautifully written. Actually, it’s not missing the point, is it—because how could you write this beautifully unless God had done something beautiful with the ugliness?
I’ve heard it said that tears help you see clearly. Shauna once said that there are things in life you CANNOT see clearly until you’ve cried through them.
I can’t relate to the kind of adultery in your story, but as you know I can relate to an intense struggle through lust and porn, which Jesus calls adultery too. I can relate to your words, “I broke in half.”
If anyone is interested you can read that story here, under “Do you struggle with lust?”
http://www.presencevoicetouch.com.
God bless!
Rebecca-
I am in the same place as you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as I know the pain and hardships you have and will endure.
Sarah- thank you for sharing the beauty that has shown through God in this situation. I look forward to the conclusion.
Oh my goodness, I just found your blog through someone else, and I am so glad you are able to share your story with us. My husband and I have been married almost two years, and it seems that others who’ve gone before us don’t ever talk about the “rough” side of marriage. All is peachy…
Thank you for believing & trusting Him – thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing. God is glorified in your transparency and by the way you are showing who He is- a God who heals, restores and brings beauty from rubbish, if only we’ll let go and give Him permission to do so. The trouble is never if God can restore; it is whether we will surrender and let him. Thank you for showing that God is a God of hope, even in situations that many would call hopeless.
I lived through 2 years of a similar situation. Long story short- depressed wife, angry at God, isolating herself from her husband, husband who desired a way out and found it in an affair. Wife discovers affair, world is broken, confronts husband, brokenness comes, restoration begins, but wife holds on to anger, nurses wounds, refuses to let go and truly forgive for over a year.
Wife gets an email while at work, email is from husband saying that he is leaving her. Husband cuts off all communication. Wife feels like she is going to die, but in the midst of that, God calls her name. Asks her to repent for her OWN sin. The sin of unforgiveness. Self righteousness. Wife repents, in tears and in brokenness. God holds her. She has hope in Him although she does not know if her marriage will survive.
Husband has no hope. Wife holds on to a small speck of hope and waits. And waits. And holds on for dear life.
God whispers husband’s name. And whispers again. Reminds Him of His love for him. And reminds him of his wife. Husband tries to drown it out with drinking, another affair, but there is no rest, no peace. No joy.
After two months of separation, husband is broken and allows God to bring hope back to his heart. God has removed bitterness from the wife’s heart.
We were restored. We are restored. We could have been another marriage casualty, as I know the enemy would have loved, but the Lord of the universe cared enough not to give up on us. And He still hasn’t. We stand today, still some scars from the battle, but they are beautiful scars now, because we have seen God’s power through the pain.
Thank you again for sharing. Your marriage testifies to a great God and a great grace. Grace that none of us deserve. I pray I may one day proclaim God’s grace over me and my marriage as beautifully as you have.
Amy – What an amazing, beautiful story.
Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us.
Sarah-I am SO blessed by your story. And today I am SO inspired by your parents. May I be the Momma to my little tiny boys that displays the Christ LOVE that your parents showed you that day and today.
I am a friend from a long time a go, wondering if it’s ok to write this. I’ll take the risk because I need you to know how much discovering your blog today has freed me.
I was hurting so much because the man I loved, who had taken a vow before God to love me for all time, had left me. He had found love and lust and comfort in other women. I adored him. I gave him many chances. I mourned the loss of him in all of the wrong ways.
In a very feeble effort, I tried to depend on God to get me through that time, but I was so damaged and the fog of pain was so thick, I couldn’t find his comfort. The truth is that I had not been truly broken of my own sin. Everyone around me was so angry at the one who betrayed me, they oftentimes over looked all of the poor choices I was making. This made it really easy for me to appear to be the victim.
All I wanted to do was shop, smoke, drink, and be wanted by men. That would make everything better, right? I was constantly choosing compromising situations, and happy when others would join me. I can’t believe what a FAKE I was.
Sarah, you know me, I’m the one who told. I’m the one who knew better, but went to bars with you anyway. I’m the one who should have walked away from you the second you told me you had been cheating on Chad. Instead, because I had so much sin of my own that only you knew about, I waited. I was a coward. I wish so much that I would have been a true friend in the moment I needed to be, to both you and Chad. Instead, I did the opposite. I just got drunker.
I had gotten to such a deep low, and I needed restoration in Christ, and I could no longer keep your secerets, or mine. I shared with people I knew would always love you, and never told anyone else. I have always wondered how many peoples lives I had screwed up by telling…husbands, wives, children, parents. I often wondered if I had done the right thing. Maybe it was not mine to tell.
I can’t tell you how much I think about this. And though I have been restored to a right relationship with Christ, and I understand that his mercy has no end, I go back and forth on whether or not I regret telling your seceret.
My conclusion after reading your amazing blog is that I regret not making the right choice immediately when you told me. I regret that I was cowardly and wanted to cover my own sin up. However, there is such a joy in me right now because after reading your story of restoration, healing, and Gods limitless love, I can NEVER be sorry I told. Thank you so much for your candor. I have read all of the comments, and am brought to tears by how much the Lord has used this in your life. You have taught me so much.
Love & all of God’s blessings,
X
I love that the proof of the healing is right hear in Chad’s comments each day. I love that both of you are in this sharing together. That is God being glorified over and over and over again.
will you tell me about your relationship with that friend? the one who confronted you and then told the pastor?
and sarah?
i love you.
thank you for sharing. I have a similar story and yours gives me hope. I find the shame and guilt almost impossible to bear. I had a one night stand while drunk on a girls trip – it was two years of break down boundaries in the coming…i didnt plan it…but I allowed it to happen. Mine was a desire to be found desirable – i felt my husband didnt desire me – so i began to seek other attention – stroke my ego please…and 15 shots of vodka and a man in a far away place broke that last barrier – at last i was desirable – until i sobered up and tried to step in front of a bus. I then pryaed the plane would crash the whole way home. I walked through the front door, feel to my knees and confessed…sure i had lost my husband who I loved so very much…lost my sons…lost everything…So self centered was i that i couldnt see in the last three months before my one night stand that my husband had made an effort to change…to interact with me and show his desire…i was blind to it… My husband still hurts and rages and yells at me. its so scary and overwhelming…thank you for sharing…i still have suicidal thoughts, and i am swamped with such hatred and self loathing…i am trying to be strong but its hard…i am okay when we are together…but apart…the fear and shame overwhelms me. i find it hard to function your story gives me hope.
Thank you so much for sharing this. As a single woman, it is a good thing for me to hear as well. Christ can heal, really heal all of our brokenness.
I’m not sure what to say…… I knew Chad for so long as kids. I could almost see his face as you described his anger. I flinched when he began to rage and throw things. I felt his pain.
You see my dad had an affair when I was three. My mom was pregnant with my brother. His wrong choice began a terrible pattern of pain, abuse, and heartbreak in my life. I could identify with the rage. The hurt. The anger. And most dominant, the pain. When I read stories like yours it all rushes back to meet me. Like you and Chad, my life is a story of redemption. I still struggle to forgive. I sometimes feel the old familiar pain well up inside and I am always surprised by it when it comes. We are shaped by our pasts. Our hurts, mistakes, choices, and wrong turns. We are also shaped by the forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion, and love shown us and freely given by our Savior.
Thank you for sharing Sarah.
I too am a “intense” person.
I choose to use the word passionate.
It is often that passion that gets me into trouble.
Even when trying to do the “right” thing.
Although we are different in many ways….. we are so similar.
You have touched my heart and reminded me of so much.
Not just the pain but of God’s unfailing grace in my life.
I never want to go back, but I do want to be open and available to God to use my life as a way to bring Him glory.
Thank you for doing that with yours.
Like so many have shared before….. I think you are brave.
You could write about so many other things.
But you chose the way of the deep. The way of the heart.
The chains dropped when you turned on the light.
God bless you guys Sarah.
I too will add you to my prayers.
~m.
This morning I was directed to Lisa Leonard’s blog through The Lovely List, and in turn I was directed here through Lisa. How grateful I am.
Your story, your blog, your friends and acquaintances are so UPLIFTING. How grateful I am to have discovered so many sources of daily uplift.
I am recently engaged and for quite some time (much of our time dating and anticipating the engagement) have felt a lingering anxiety or worry that our marriage would not work out. It was silly fear, and we all know that fear is not of God. Your story has only served to increase my love for my fiance, and more so, my conviction that he and I can face and conquer anything as long as we adhere to the teachings of Christ we know to be true, and put Him and His Father at the center of our marriage. My fear has dissipated, and has been replaced with the confidence that the Holy Ghost provides.
I thank the Lord for sending me here, and I thank you for your courage and obedience in sharing your story.
As I read this emotional story, I am reminded of my Pastor’s message this past Saturday night; letting the “little foxxes spoil the vinyard”. Satan is so subtle. This further reminds me of that and thank you for your courage to tell your story! I am in awe of your courage to share your most intimate story with other women, young and old.
[...] When the pain in me became to great to bear and the current state of me was uglier than I knew I could repair on my own, I broke in half. [...]