CRASH
She told.
She told our pastors.
On January 4, 2004 Chad and I were invited into a room at our church. My pastor and his wife and our associate pastor and his wife were there with us.
One of them said directly to me, “Sarah, we know that there is something that you need to tell Chad.”
And there it was, a choice. I could lie. I was so skilled at it that no one would know I was lying. I could say that I was drunk when I confessed. Or I could tell the truth and it would all be over. Everything I’d been trying to hold together for so long would be done. I hated myself so much and what I was doing to my marriage that I was willing to accept whatever consequences would fall.
I was tired, to be honest. I was tired of hiding, of lying, of hating myself.
I asked them all to leave so I could address my husband by myself. They agreed and waited in an adjacent room.
So I told the truth. Finally.
Only by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit, still waiting on the fringes of my life, did I have the strength to do this. I never claimed that I did this through my own power, and even at the time I recognized the way I was drawn to confess.
I told him everything. How long. With whom. And he raged. And yelled and threw things and said things even he doesn’t remember now.
And I broke in half.
I began to realize what I had actually done. How much I’d ruined.
He left and told me to leave. He told me to go to my parent’s house and tell them what I did.
The next hours are a blank in my memory. There are things I remember and things I don’t.
I know I was suicidal. I know that my sister drove with me. I know that I was without hope. I know that I might be losing my daughter who wasn’t two yet and my husband who I’d never stopped loving.
Before I went to my mother and father’s I found myself on the living room floor of my associate pastor and his wife. I wept and didn’t know anything else but that I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to live this life anymore, duality reigning and never knowing who I was. I wanted to love Jesus. I wanted to love my husband the way he deserved to be loved. The way I had promised to love him.
She held me and prayed with me. She told me who I was in Christ. She helped me to the feet of Jesus and carried me like the man who had to be lowered in through the roof to be healed. She bore my stretcher and I broke a second time.
And then I left. There were things I had to do.
I drove to my parent’s house and as I crossed the threshold of the home I’d known since I was 3 years old I told them what I’d done. The only word I associate with that night is harbor. For so long I had been without an anchor, but now God’s people were beginning to point me to safety. My parents took me in and loved me. She told me to take a shower and eat something and made up their bed for me. Before I slept, I picked up the Bible for the first time in several years.
Psalm 51.
I didn’t know if Chad would ask me for a divorce. I didn’t know if I was going to be forgiven. I didn’t know if he would let me see my beautiful baby anymore. All I knew was that I was finished with my old life. I didn’t know what my new life would look like but I was quickly becoming prepared to accept the consequences. I knew that Jesus had forgiven me but I didn’t know if my husband would.
And somehow, miraculously, I was immediately sorrowful. From the beginning I glimpsed the horror and the devastation I had caused. And although this was so difficult, it is what saved me.
I was ready to do anything it took to save my family and to try to revive what I’d killed.
My new names were
Forgiven.
Grace-Lended.
Found.
[PART FIVE: FOUNDATION and the conclusion of this story will be posted tomorrow.]
If you are new today, begin with Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3
Tags: adultery, confession, forgivness, grace, marriage, My New Name, my story
Thank you very, very much for writing this.
Amazing. God is just amazing. Thank you for sharing this story! It will give hope to so many people.
Oh Sarah. I am weeping right now. I feel your pain. I feel Chad’s pain. I see the suffering on each of your faces. My heart breaks with rememberance of the moment that I confessed to my husband.
The friend who told. Is she still your friend? Do you thank her today?
I am moved in a tender way towards God by what you are sharing. I hear His grace thru those who surrounded you. I hear His voice of love that brought about your sorrow. I hear your acceptance of your self and all that He had for you. I am thankful that God loves us that much so as we are NEVER too far for Him to reach…even when we feel like that. I am encouraged for those in my life who live life in a way that seems unreachable. thank you
again, wow…
remembering that night when you & your sister came to us…
truth…deep grief…amazing love…began to drive away the fear in all of us as we clung to Jesus & to one another…
that night, i learned that Jesus’ arms are always open…it’s a good thing!
it’s been awhile since i called Pastor Tom & thanked him for the courage & grace they all showed as they loved you back into Jesus’ arms! they saved all of our lives that day!
i think i owe him another call…i owe Jesus everything…i owe you my heart, dear daughter, like i always have.
love,
dad
UGH-in tears and I can relate to much of your postings. It’s in my past! I am divorced though but boy can i relate!! I see this “partying” situation with so many friends at our church……it’s not right, is it?!! Thank you for allowing yourself to feel it all over again but this needs to be shared!
love you. love your new names. may God continue to tell you who you are in Christ. and through His story in you, may He tell others who they are in Christ too.
Sarah,
You are an inspiration. I have loved reading your progress through the mountains and valleys of life, and the lessons you have learned along the way. You are very courageous for sharing this story with all of your readers. That is a step many people would not have been able to take. I can’t wait to read the next part!!
Day 4 of wow. Day 4 of your dad making me cry even more than your post.:) and day 4 of praying for you guys as you share.
God’s grace is so evident in every word–and it’s a beautiful thing. Thank you for opening up your heart and letting us journey with you–so we can learn and experience God’s grace, too. I love you!!
I wish my husband had this moment. Maybe things would be different now.
Thank you for sharing.
You are beautiful and amazing for sharing this and bringing so much hope, and yet I know it’s Christ through you- even more beautiful.
Sarah, thank you *so* much for having the courage to share your story, praises to our faithful Father for holding you and keeping you safe as you opened your heart to the world. It is obvious you have an amazing story of redemption through Christ, and I feel blessed for you having shared it.
Your story is really moving me to tears, simply because I have been there too, and it feels like I am reading my own story. Thanks again…
To Rebecca-
Don’t give up on your husband, sometimes “that” moment of surrender to God takes a while. It doesn’t always happen in an instant just because sin is finally uncovered; rather it can be a long process full of hope and the ripping away of things about yourself you never realized before was displeasing to God.
Praying for you and your husband.
To Sarah- once again, thank you for sharing. Reliving this through your words is helping me more then you can know.
Lindsey
What an amazing testimony you have. Thank you for sharing. And what a great comment from your dad above.
wow! thank you for taking us on this very personal journey! i know you are touching many lives and that your story is an example of grace and a second chance to many!
I cried at what your dad wrote. You know how blessed you are to have him, I know. From one who wishes she could feel her dad’s arms around her even at nearly 39.
You took me there today, Sarah. I felt every ounce of your pain, of Chad’s pain, of your parent’s pain. But I also felt your hope despite not knowing the outcome of your future.
Your ability to communicate through the written word is absolutely brilliant.
Still loving you.
Also to Rebecca – I think the women who are reading this blog today will be praying for you and your husband. I certainly will.
There is always HOPE. Always.
Thank you for sharing that.
Your heart is absolutely beautiful.
Thank you for sharing with such transparency.
I am truly in awe of your strength.
My God continue to use you and bless you as you minister to so many.
Thank you for having the courage to recount your story with us – it is a blessing to me. I had a similar opportunity to confess but chose to continue the lie, but end the relationships, both marriage and the other.I know God has forgiven me, but I still live under a cloud of guilt, continually trying to out-run it.Thank you for reminding me that God is faithful, always, to the end.
Sarah,
Thank you for being REAL, RAW, and open about those things, I know that wasn’t easy, and yet I see in both your life and in mine the sweet restoration God through His Son Jesus brought to us and is continuing to bring to others still today. I love you so much and I am blessed by you. Thank you for shining the light of Jesus in a place that alot of adults choose not to speak of, when we bring the light into that darkness we take away the power of the enemy. I am so proud of you. Again, Thank you and I love you ALL from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!
T-
“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”—Isaiah 61:3.
Beauty from ashes . . . He is glorified by you, Sarah!
Sarah,
I am so glad that you are sharing your story. It is really hard to read because it is so filled with emotion(in a good way). I know God will save more marriages because you have shared so openly with many hurting people. Looking forward to reading the last one tomorrow.
Love you.
Oh Sarah, I was already in tears after reading this post. But after reading your dad’s comment? Those tears are just streaming down my face.
What you are doing – by sharing your story, your heart, your life – is incredible. You are incredible. Our God is incredible.
again, i just wish i was sitting next to you so you could see my eyes as I tell you: i am so proud of your obedience in sharing this. it left me breathless for you; you couldn’t have written it with more honesty and it left me feeling such empathy for all of you. and it left me with such hope in a God who loves us beyond measure.
Forgiven. Grace-Lended. Found!
Love you SO much!
[...] – My New Name Part Two – Cliche’s Part Three – Dripping Part Four 1 – Crash 1 Part Four 2 – Crash [...]
tears and more tears. then reading your dads words brought more tears.
you described the emotion and pain so clearly that i felt it. you have such an amazing way with words my friend. a gift. you are using your gift to tell your story and change lives.
“Only by the power and grace of the Holy Spirit, still waiting on the fringes of my life, did I have the strength to do this.” Waiting, pursuing- wanting a relationship, wanting the best for us. No matter how ugly it gets or how lost we are His arms are open waiting to take us in and love us and forgive us.
love you. proud of you.
I type through tears to tell you that I admire your courage and your humility … and with every word you write you have brought glory to HIM who is the ONLY ONE worthy of glory. Thank you.
I have been coming to your site for years now. Yours was among the first I found when I was just learning about this world of blogging. I don’t know if I have commented before but this series is one that I am reading with elevated interest. Many of my friends are at the breaking point in their marriage, wanting out, thinking that life will get so much easier if they just follow their heart. Even as a believer, there are times too that I believe this lie. How dangerous a lie this is! What heartbreak lies ahead for the couples and the children who are involved when we become embroiled in emotional affairs and relationships outside of marriage that we enjoy more. Thank you so much for your willingness to share His story of redemption and forgiveness through your story! I can’t wait to hear more of the reconciliation and recovery in your marriage!
Don’t ever let Satan whisper in your ear, that it was wrong to share all of this…. you are a blessing, and you are touching many lives with your story!
Love you,
Traci
You were lucky to have such a brutally honest friend… I wish I had a brave friend like that… and had the courage to be such a friend.
I found your website through Cindy Beall. I will be a regular reader of both. Both of you ladies are incredible in your faith & ministry to others.
Perfect story of redemption.
Sarah – thank you. You know why.
Blessings,
Marie
wow
and
thank you
Thank you for reaching in to the deep places and making yourself vulnerable. Your weakness, His strength. It is good to see God’s people embracing their dear ones in their need and not letting Satan destroy.
Thank you for telling your story. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Sarah~thank you for bearing your soul and sharing your excruciating journey! My husband & I are working with/mentoring a couple who are walking a very similar path. Unfortunately, brokeness has not occured and they are in a holding pattern! Thanks for your transparency…it gives us hope for our friends!! We are totally giving it all over to the Grace-Giver, Jesus!!
wow. so touching. so incredible that you had good Christians surrounding you. Praise the Lord you were loved when you needed it most. wow, thank you Jesus for loving us all.
Eyes welling up…lump in the throat…It’s hard for me to express how much you mean to me. I remember those days. God has molded and shaped you into such a beautiful woman.
Sarah,
when I found you on fb, many years after we first wrote to each other, and finally met, I told you a bit about my own story. I was in Chad’s place…and my husband never really told me what he has done, I’ve been like Sherlock Holmes and hated what I found.
Today I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know what to do. I cannot forget. I cannot forgive. It is SO painful, especially when you have the feeling the other one is not conscious of what he has done. I told him to leave. I still have my three wonderful kids with me. And I wait. Walking through the desert, looking for Grace.
Thank you for your sharing. I never told you how beautiful you were. You are.
Love,
Marie-pierre
I think we have all been there. No matter how big or small the sin is. We have had to become totally dependent on the Lord for forgiveness, for hope, for energy to get us through the hardship. There have been times I have just had to completely surrender myself to his word. There is no other way of dealing with things. Especially when we are not strong enough to brave it alone. But I have been blessed, as you were and are… to see that our Father in Heaven is full of mercy and grace. I truly believe that when we all meet Him again, he will have open arms and gather us in and hold us and be so full of mercy. We just have to repent and learn from our mistakes and be dedicated to living a good and honest life. He knew we all would make our mistakes. That is why He died for us. So that we could be forgiven.
Be well Sarah
Blessings to you for your courage in sharing this.
I applaud your bravery.
I am in the midst of a mess like this. I really don’t know what to do or what lies ahead with the man (not married, 9yrs younger than me) I’m doing this with. I think I know that I don’t want to be with my husband but how do you really know for sure? I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m sickened by what I am doing. Never thought I would be here but here I stand. Always said I would never do this and I’m eating those words now.
Again,
Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to the conclusion and the redemption in your story.
http://incurablyawkward.blogspot.com/
thanks for sharing this
I think I have seen something like this asked before but I will ask again. I am one month in to finding out about my husbands, and in turn, my own similar story. God has already brought amazing healing into our marriage and I can’t wait to see where we are years from now. Right now I struggle though with how to tell our story, even just the tiniest little detail of it. People are asking and I feel shame. None of this was my choice but I’m still embarrassed by what he has done.