FOUNDATION
He told me that Jesus screws up everything.
My husband had been on his own journey during those 24 hours and when I met up with him the next day in the presence of our associate pastor and his wife, Chad said he had to forgive me.
He must.
Because Christ had forgiven him of so much. He wasn’t that different than I was, in his words, and that we all equally were in need of forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn’t want to forgive me but he had to. For the love of Christ, he forgave me. And he did so fully. And he still loved me even though I’d hurt him and ruined everything so desperately. Jesus in the mix screwed up his desire to hate me, to hold a grudge, to be bitter.
Each day that passed I realized my own sinfulness more, understood God’s grace more and embarked on a campaign to clean my own mind of images that used to comfort but now haunted me. I never defended my own actions. From the beginning I understood how my own poor choices and pride had resulted in this affair.
I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.
And together as a couple we made some serious choices. Our marriage had been diseased from the start and we were beginning to realize the gravity of that. We poured out all of our alcohol and threw out all of the questionable movies we owned. We cut off our cable and went without television for the next two years. We existed in an almost monk-like state for as long as it took to heal the relationship that I/we had destroyed.
The foundation that our family-house was built upon wasn’t solid. It never had been. So metaphorically speaking, we had to tear down the walls and start over.
We immediately began attending crisis marriage counseling.
And then I fell in absolute, head-over, crazy love with this man, my husband. Different and deeper than when I was 18. It was a love that had been matured, beaten, broken and mended and it was better than it had ever been before.
I started to let my husband lead and he rose happily to meet that. I backed off and practiced God-designed submission in the marriage relationship. I started letting him make decisions and gave my own opinion when he asked for it. And he asked for it a lot.
And it was so freeing.
I read through the Bible that first year. Cover to cover, Genesis through Revelation. Knowledge and spiritual gifts, that I’d suppressed for years, began to flood back to me. God hadn’t left me, he’d just let me walk away or a long time. But he hadn’t abandoned me.
We created boundaries in our relationship where we’d never had them before. I am never alone with men. Ever. And I tell him everything not because he asks but because I want to.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
The next months and years were hard, excruciatingly so at times.
But I was still a wife, his wife. And he still wanted me, amazingly. I was still a mother. My daughter still loved me. And I was still willing to do anything with my whole heart to fight for my family.
** ** **
I’m writing my book about this. There’s more. SO MUCH MORE.
Miracles. Healings. Protection. Intimacy. Love. Renewal.
But I can say that it has been more than 5 ½ years since January 4, 2004. It has been 5 ½ years of restoration, God’s provision, hard work, tears.
Chad has never thrown it back in my face during an argument.
He’s never brought it up again. And I have remained absolutely faithful.
We rarely talk about it. But when we do, it’s with forgiveness and grace and amazement about the power of God.
Know that I am the same woman who had an affair, and at the same time I am completely new. I am the living proof of the grace of God.
I am the woman in the dust who was caught in adultery. I was given grace when Jesus spoke directly to me and told me to go and be different. So I did.
He called me
Loved.
Saved.
Restored.
And these are my new names.
Maybe you hate me. I understand if you do.
But maybe you don’t. Maybe you see yourself in me. Maybe you recognize warning signs in your own marriage. Maybe you are here reading this for a reason. Maybe you love knowing that one more person is new in Christ. Maybe this is you and you can’t stop. Maybe you need to stop what you are doing and get help. Maybe you need to confess.
Maybe you understand God’s grace just a little more.
[From the beginning, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4]
Photo by Misty Matz
Tags: adultery, forgivness, grace, marriage, My New Name, my story
God is so good…again and again He takes something the enemy meant for death and turns it into something useful…and even beautiful. Good for you for being BOLD, yes…and BRAVE…absolutely bold and terrified can be used in the same sentence. Who is it? Joyce Meyer? Beth Moore? One of them says, “Do it afraid.” And that’s what you are doing…I pray that these words reach those that they need to and that marriages are spared, healed and renewed…
Sarah,
I read your story when you first posted it, but have since begun reading “Inside Out” by Dr. Larry Crabb for a class. This quote reminded me of your story:
“Very few Christians feel their disappointment with life deeply enough to fix their hope on what is yet to come. Even fewer face their sin so thoroughly that forgiveness becomes their most valued blessing” (11).
Thanks for being one of the few!
When Jesus met the woman accused of adultery He knelt down and wrote in the dust. Scripture doesn’t say what He wrote but as He wrote the crowd of men who were holding the woman drifted away one by one. There is a tradition in the Christian church that Jesus wrote down the sins of each man there. As the men saw the writing in the dust they were ashamed and left. Your husband was right. Each of us has been forgiven of so much we cannot condemn one another.
Sometimes the hardest part is accepting the forgiveness that is right in front of us. Maybe that comes from realizing sometimes we can be so mean as to not forgive. We forget God is so much better than we are.
A brother in Christ.
Did the other couple find healing too?
Sarah, you are so blessed to have such awesome men in your life (your husband first and foremost, your dad, your pastor). So forgiving …. I pray this NEVER happens in my life, but if it did, I would hope to be so forgiving — because Christ has forgiven me for my many sins!!! What an awesome God we serve!!
“It amazes me how often I neglect the God who allows me to live yet another day. How patient and merciful is our God!”- unknown
…wow! (I just don’t have words)
Thank you for sharing this powerful testimony.
I am praying for the deliverance you experienced. Mine is a 20 yr affair with a pastor. He was married from the start as my college minister. We have been caught 3 times in that 20 yr period. He has lost 2 churches over this. I have lost my marriage, 2 jobs, and almost my life to suicide.
A sister in Christ read my story on Facebook & steered me to your website. I feel like you were me!! Every adjective you felt, I feel. Every name you had, I have had.
I am finally ready to let go of the obsession & addiction to this man. I hope one day my story will be able to help other women as yours has! Thank you abundantly for sharing your powerful & redeeming testimony! I hope someday I will feel the freedom & healing that you do!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and soul. One and a half year ago, the love of my life, my husband of 23 yrs. had and affair. Even though it’s been some time now, tonigh, I was struggeling so badly so I logged on the computer just to get someone’s story somewhere that made,and not only made it, but were better. I found your story. I have endured more horrible nights of torment and anger and resentment than one person should endure. He was and is the most amazing man I have ever ever known. Godly, compassionate, loving, sensitive, but somehow after becoming overwhelmed with of all things Pastoring two churches, and me continually becoming unhappy with his business, he train wrecked with a girl who worked with him.
I married him at 16, he was my everything and I his. You couldn’t have told me this would happen in a trillion years, but it did. And tonight the reality hit AGAIN, the tears, the pain of seeing in my mind what I wish I didn’t see torments me. My two children have seen me act like a mad woman crying and screaming in pain. But to read your story tonight, I see once again that God CAN and WILL restore. Hurry God please heal me like this sweet couple.
I so enjoy the story of the grace of God. I relate to some of it, though in very different circumstances. In the end, I, like you, became the woman at the feet of Jesus, washing them with my tears and drying them with my hair. His words, “He who is forgiven much, loves much.” is an amazingly true statement.
My one comment on your story is this: you and your husband were leading compromising lives where the Lord is concerned. For each of you to have responded so quickly to the Spirit indicates that someone somewhere was praying for you. My thought is that, He, the Lord, had already been working in your hearts readying them for this crash.
He is faithful-thankfully. I appreciate your sharing your story.I pray for your continued healing and restoration — may it never end.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story! You and your husband are amazing to me – that you all could so immediately take action and respond with such wisdom and strength in Christ. I am in awe of you and what you two have been able to build through Christ.
May God continue to bless you, your family and your ministry!
What a story. You have such strength and courage to tell you story with such honesty.
I’m glad you have found a new start and that you are happy.
This is my story too. Only a few of the details are different. That is all but the ending. I’m still in the recovering process and finding God again stage. I’m not in love with my husband, I love him but most of the time he drives me crazy. We went to counseling for about two months and I fear we are slowly slipping back into the old patterns that got us in this mess to begin with. Just this week I started setting time aside for God and that’s something I have not done in years. It feels like such a small step that I find myself doughting weather God can really change me through it. Its good to know that you are doing so good but for me right now it just feels like I traded one mess for another. I don’t know where to start to have a Godly mirage . We are in a great couples group together but aside from that we don’t even talk about God together . I don’t know how to bring this up to mu husband without him feeling attacked . Thank you so much for writing this, I always feel so alone and misunderstood. I cary my shame alone and feel like an outcast. If you have any more advice I would love to hear it. Let me know when your book is coming out, I haven’t found much on this that’s from a woman side and christian. Thanks again. Faith
Sarah
Thanks for sharing. From the comments you can see how very many people were moved by your story. Thanks for having the courage to share. I feel like I stumbled upon this story for a reason, it’s a sign. xo
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing. God’s grace and mercy are so wonderful and I am blessed that you had the courage to blog about this time in your marriage. I have never been married but I have a similar story about a man I knew as a teenager and who I had an affair with 4 years ago, the summer before I came to Christ. Through His grace and mercy, I, too, have been made new and now know who I am in Him.
Blessings,
Jen
Sarah,
Thank you so much for sharing. Just to let you know I’m reading your story from halfway across the world and it’s made me cry. A lot.
Because I’m reminded again of God’s grace to me. I’m reminded again that each time I make that decision to wallow in my memories of my emotional affair I am turning my back to what He’s done on the cross. And I’m reminded most of all of His great love for me.
God bless.
I am simply thrilled. Our God is an awesome God. May your walk with Him continue bringing you happiness. I look forward to meeting you in the earth made new. Love you and may God bless you.
I’m wondering too, if the other marriage was restored? Thanks for your transparency. Praising God for redeeming this situation!
Thanks for sharing your story. I am not married, nor dating at the moment, but I actually have had emotional affairs with married men, and one physical one night stand with a married man. That was all years ago and it’s all behind me. I am a new creation. But I have to say, we all have had affairs. We have all whored ourselves out to different things. Anything we put before the worship of our Lord and Savior is an object of an affair. He is a jealous God. He is our one true Love. Anyone that says they have not had an affair is not telling the truth. Yes, your affair probably did not ruin your marriage. But it has affected your relationship with your First Love. Just some food for thought.
Thanks again for sharing your story. You are beautiful. You have been blessed with some truly amazing men in your life: Chad, your dad, the pastor, etc …
I, like others, am curious if the other marriage was able to be restored.
Blessings.
The other marriage was not restored. Sadly.
As a follow up … I hope it didn’t sound like I was diminishing the power of your story by saying that we have all had affairs. That wasn’t my intention. Blessings.
not at all christina. and i agree, that a lot of what we do when we leave God for other things are affairs. God used this metaphor for the children of Israel in the OT. thank you for sharing.
Sarah,
I can’t remember your connection to her, but I know there is one: Adrienne Graves. Praying for you as you share your story and for those who will hear it. Life transformation is not easy, but I do believe it is offered to each and every one of us. The scary part is that facing our sin is a part of the process. But, oh, the deep restoration that comes as a result is ever so very worth it! Of course, you know that. 
Wow, what a coincidence! Those are my new names too.
Erin
ahhhh!!! those smiley faces do not represent the tender grin I was making!!!
Oh this is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a friend going through this very situation right now and you have offered me so much hope for them!
Wow! What a powerful testimony of God’s redemption and forgiveness you and your hubby have experienced. In 1994 when my hubby and I were preparing to begin our life together, my sister-in-law was in the midst of an affair with my brother’s best-friend/neighbor. So much of your story I could relate to in that I saw it happening in my own family. My brother, like your hubby, dug deep into his faith and his vows and chose to forgive as well. I’m not sure my SIL has ever fully surrendered it all to Jesus as you have, but I know that God is still working there.
May God use your story to heal many marriages that are dangling by a thread.
Blessings to you and thanks for your transparency.
P.S. I found your site through another blog (Kasey) who I visit regularly. I’ll be back for sure! Thanks
Your story is powerful and an true testimony to God’s healing. May God continue to bless you and your family.
But my heart breaks for the other marriage that did not survive your affair. I was the wife in “the other marriage.” Our marriage has healed and we’ve moved past it–it was an emotional affair that was thankfully revealed before it became physical. I went through a period of hating the woman who tried to steal my husband from me. I called her horrible names in my mind. I never met her; have no idea what she looks like. But I hated her nonetheless. I will always bear the scars of what she did. It’s been 5 years, but the enemy brings it to my mind when I least expect it. It will always be there. I’ve forgiven my husband and our marriage is healthy, but the affair will always be there. When I look at pictures of our family, they are “before” and “after.” God snatched our marriage from Satan’s grip, for which I am most assuredly grateful, but my heart longs to go back in time so that it never happened. I have taken ownership of my part in our marriage troubles, but there is never an excuse for an affair. Never!
Unforgiveness robs of experiencing God’s restorative power. As people we have to remember that we are no less prone to hurting our spouse than they are to hurting us. If we dont see marriage in God’s way, we can never ever begin to access the power He gives us to walk it out in a way pleasing to Him…
There is never a reason for ANY of the poor ways we treat eachother; the simple truth is the we all have the same fatal flaw: HUMANITY.
When we think more highly of ourselves than we ought, we leave room for Satan to lie to us about the reality of our own hearts. God can make it better than ever before. He WANTS to make it better than ever before; but we have to let go of our ‘rights’ and give in to His call to forgive completely.
It’s a struggle I know, but it’s real. I’ve battled with the same in my own life – and always the Lord’s answer to me is ‘You have done the same to Me, and I have forgiven you.’
The struggles of love are very very real. But God’s tranformative power is more real than anyting in this life…
Just food for thought…
Sarah -
This is beautiful. The most beautiful part being your discovery of your worth to God. He is truly beyond amazing. He a life-changer to say the least. As women, it is so hard to find our footing sometimes; so difficult to acknowledge our stronghold and to give them over to be completely uncovered and destroyed. Discovery allows a lot of wrongs to be made right.
That God has give you that gift is precious; hold on tightly girl! It’s priceless.
And your husband is so special. Love that is so reflective of Christ is rare. It’s a beautiful give to be given – I’ve been given the same, in some pretty amazing ways.
Blessings to you both. I know God has greatness in store for your family!
I cried reading your story. It is way too familiar to me. I’m also forgiven and breathing fresh air and more in love today than ever with my husband of 38 years.
I also cry for so many of the people who responded with similar stories. The enemies job description is to “kill, steal and destroy” and he is sadly, having success.
I’m also moved to pray more faithfully for marriages — all marriages — that Christ would be the center.
Thank you for sharing your story. From the responses, it was definitely God-ordained and blessed mightily.
Gwyn Rosser
Thank you for sharing your story so openly. I cried tears of recognition and hope. For different reasons and different circumstances, those are my new names too. Restoration is a beautiful thing.
I admire you so much for being real!
I am so grateful to you for sharing with eloquence a story that takes bucketfuls of humility to share. And I am thankful to your husband, too, for supporting you in this action. I have a lovely marriage of 7 years, and both of us have been faithful. But since baby number 4 came along, in the sweep of hormonal imbalance, I’ve been dreaming dreams that often feature other men. I have woken wondering if I am unhappy with my marriage, sometimes still experiencing emotional attachment to the men I was seeing in my dreams. I just came across this story, and have realized that I simply need to turn it over to the Lord: to ask Him to remove these doubts, renew clarity, and heal. Thank you for encouraging good, and for using your experiences to promote our Lord’s power to cleanse, heal and make new.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We, too, have experienced God’s amazing grace as He restored our marriage which was shattered by my husband’s pornography addiction.
We have learned that in telling others our story, it cripples any attacks Satan throws at us in the form of blackmail. We are an open book – nobody can say “I know what you did!”
Also, you had mentioned Psalm 51 – verse 13 says, “Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You.” God can turn our garbage into wonderful things for His glory. By opening up about your struggles, you can point others to Him. Hallelujah!
My husband was the husband you cheated with. I dismissed you, because you were not my beloved; you were not my family and my heart. You were not the father of my children. But him; he broke my spirit. So, while reading my favorite Bible passage, which is the story of the adulterous woman the furious mob wants to stone, I put myself in the story. And I was standing with the angry mob. I felt as if I WAS the angry mob. But it wasn’t the adulterous woman we wanted to stone; it was my husband. He, after all, was the “guilty” one; he was the adulterous spouse.
I felt profound grief to know that I wasn’t standing with Jesus in his steadfast forgiveness of the adulterer; I was standing with the angry mob who had judged and longed to kill the adulterer. I begged for forgiveness from Jesus. I begged to learn to stand with Him…no matter what. My husband left us – myself and our two beautiful children. My little girl, age 6 cried out, “Daddy! We don’t want this! Daddy! Don’t do this!” But there was nothing to be done; he was determined to leave. And even still – I must forgive. I must, for my own soul to live, stand with Jesus. Jesus holds me tenderly…and he holds my adulterous, abandoning husband tenderly, also. I hurt, but not as much as the moment I recognized myself in the angry mob, and came to awareness that, interiorly, I felt “justified” in picking up a stone to throw. I no longer feel that way. I asked Jesus once,about my husband: “What do you think of him!?” And I felt I heard, interiorly, an answer. It was very quiet. “I love him.”
Pam – I am SO sorry for your pain and the pain of your children. nothing can make that right again. I am so very sorry.
and i’m sorry for being a perpetrator in a similar situation to yours.
i am so happy that you have been able to begin healing. i’m sure that it will be a long process but i’m thankful for mothers, wives like you who listen to the holy spirit. you are amazing for that.
i pray that God continues to bless you and that you and your husband can find healing together someday.
thank you so much for sharing.
“There are people who can walk away from you. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Don’t try to talk any person into staying with you, loving you, caring about you, staying attached to you. Your destiny is NEVER tied to anybody that left.” The Reverend TD Jakes
In response to your reply, Sarah, God has continued to bless my children and me. My former husband chose to leave the woman he was committing adultery with and move on to another woman with whom to commit adultery. They were married a few weeks after our divorce.
I do not wait to “find healing together” with my former husband. God is resurrecting my children and me daily, right here, right now…irrespective of what anyone else does or doesn’t do.
For anyone who has walked in my shoes: I offer you a word of peace and love. Our Beloved Guide has all the power and grace we need to heal…I know, because I was dead and now I live. My life is hope incarnate. Peace and the living Christ’s love to each of you.
Wow! Amazing! Thank you for sharing this!
thank you for sharing. there was a reason i read found your blog today.
Thank you for sharing your powerful story.
WOW. I just found you via (in)courage, and clicked over because I am related to some Markleys. I am so, so proud of you for sharing this, and for having the courage to reconcile with your husband. That is hard! Accepting forgiveness can be hard! Clearly this is one way God was softening your heart and guiding you.
By speaking out, you are going to help so many people who believe having an affair puts them beyond God’s reach.
I am so glad for you, your husband, your parents and your pastors for allowing this situation — redemption — to unfold the way God designed it to.
I’m not sure how I “landed” here today but wanted to take the time to write a brief comment and say “thank-you” to both you and your husband for doing the hard thing–the hard work it took both of you to come to the place of restoration in your marriage (I watched your video as well).
Your story strikes a chord within me, one I wasn’t prepared to re-visit today. In 1994, I walked through a divorce with my husband of seven years. Both of us were selfish in our motives; both unwilling to reposition our wills behind the will of God. Thus, we walked, leaving in our wake a church body that didn’t understand (my husband was a pastor) and two young sons that were saddled with the resulting consequences. It’s been a long road back to Jesus. After a couple of years of absolute recklessness, I came home–literally to the arms of my parents and to Jesus. I remarried in 1997 and have known the rich grace of God through my husband who has been my Ephesians 5:25 through and through. We, too, have struggled for different reasons, but the commitment was there from the beginning–to walk it through no matter what.
God can restore it all; and while I never knew the restoration of my first marriage, I am completely and fully free from the condemnation of the “divorce” grip and am walking the daily grace of second chances. Amen?!
Thanks for sharing your story. Undoubtedly, it will serve as a strong witness to an up and coming generation about the truth of the cross. Peace to you all as you continue the journey…
~elaine
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Although I’ve never had an affair I have struggled in the past with fantasizing about not being married to my husband anymore. My heart was unsettled and there always seemed to be some underlying dissatisfaction with the awesome gift that God had given me. I hated feeling that way and I longed to be madly in love with MY husband. Today I can truely say that I love my husband more today than when we met 12 years ago. It’s been a long road of trusting in Jesus and at times confessing to my mate.
Your testimony will no doubt encourage other couples who are experiencing similar things. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU again for sharing it so bodly!
That was absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing your story! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Blessings~
Hannah
Your story is this beautiful image of what Grace looks like. You have moved me in ways I cannot yet articulate and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being so courageous and choosing to share this very painful time in your life. You are a blessing.
Beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Sarah – after reading your entire story (again), I took the time to read some of the responses. What is SO amazing, is how God has used you – OVER and OVER and OVER again – to bless others, to give hope to still more. I’ll say it again – you and Chad are amazing – I am blessed to know you – I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! Bless you, dear sister, bless you.
Thank you, Sarah for sharing. I cried reading this while being at work. Tears flowed no poured. Your courage to share on www is a testimony on God’s Grace.
God said He would turn it around
God said He would turn it around
What that devil meant for evil
God will make it good
Turn around, Turn around, Turn around
He will give you beauty for ashes
Joy for your pain
Priase for your sadness
As you remember his name
Mourning into dancing
Sorrow into Joy
Every day will be sweeter than the day before
-Judy Jacobs.
Praise God!! You were once lost and now you are found!! Praise God that he led you, broke you and built you again. Praise God that he heals others through your story.
Praise God!
i don’t know how i came upon your blog…but, i truly thank you! my husband had an affair 11 years ago, and i have done alot of healing. after reading your story…i feel like i am ready to do alot more healing. blessings to you and your family.
I’ve just finished reading this series and I am fighting back tears. I pray that God would safeguard my marriage. I’ve dealt with one-sided emotional attachment to a guy who wasn’t my husband and I’m recovering from that. The enemy is quick to bring it back and tantalize me.
Thank you for sharing your story. Yours is the second I’ve read in the last 24 hours. A reminder to pray constantly for that safeguarding.
I just read this through 1-5.
Each part such a picture of perfect grace.
Your story.
His story.
Marriage is hard, so hard sometimes….and I am terribly grateful for the shepherding of the sister’s Christ points me to.
I will wait with bated breath for your book.
So.Much.Love.
–Sara Sophia
Wow! Your story is so similar to mine…I’ve never really read people’s blogs before but saw a link to yours on (In)Courage. It is nice to have a Christian sister who has been through this also. I have always felt very alone, like everyone else in church is perfect and I am stained. I like you had a very forgiving husband…and have a new found respect and love for him. One other wonderful thing that has come out of this is that God has really made all things new in me and my marriage. I am so thankful for the support in our families that has helped us to keep our marriage together and renew it. I pray for those in similar circumstances who do not have that support. I had wandered away from God and my husband and have been welcomed back, I am still in awe of this and this just strengthens my faith in a way its never been before.
Thank you Sarah!!
I am crying because I just read the whole thing and had an emotional affair with another man. I am not married, but the guy i was invovled with years ago and i was courting towards engagement. I broke it off because I though God wanted me to. well he married someone else. I was thinking we would get back together but it never happened. We never ‘ended’ the relationship and their was baggage.So he’s married and i’m alone feeling regret. he calls me because he is getting a divorce from his current wife. I am being told by God that I am to leave it alone and it’s an emotional affair. Because I believe God wants to work it out. Soo here I am, the devil is telling me it’s a second chance when really it’s temptation and I could easily break up a family. Please keep me in prayer, because inside i am jealous because of what i lost, but I really thought God led me to break it off, I am having second thoughts. But it’s hard to not speak to this person, although I have severed all times, no emails, or phone calls. I talked to him 2 times. It is hard because the enemy is sneaky he says well you were “SUPPOSED” to be his wife so what’s the big deal, sides there getting a divorce. So I don’t want to be apart of this and never really dealt with my old feelings for him. All I can do is trust God cuz HE led me to this site today and is faithfully telling me to leave him alone. So please pray for me. I don’t want to be this person. I want their relationship to work and not be selfish, and not give into self-pity and sorrow as i am not married and very posibly could not be. Thanks for your story.