FOUNDATION
He told me that Jesus screws up everything.
My husband had been on his own journey during those 24 hours and when I met up with him the next day in the presence of our associate pastor and his wife, Chad said he had to forgive me.
He must.
Because Christ had forgiven him of so much. He wasn’t that different than I was, in his words, and that we all equally were in need of forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn’t want to forgive me but he had to. For the love of Christ, he forgave me. And he did so fully. And he still loved me even though I’d hurt him and ruined everything so desperately. Jesus in the mix screwed up his desire to hate me, to hold a grudge, to be bitter.
Each day that passed I realized my own sinfulness more, understood God’s grace more and embarked on a campaign to clean my own mind of images that used to comfort but now haunted me. I never defended my own actions. From the beginning I understood how my own poor choices and pride had resulted in this affair.
I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.
And together as a couple we made some serious choices. Our marriage had been diseased from the start and we were beginning to realize the gravity of that. We poured out all of our alcohol and threw out all of the questionable movies we owned. We cut off our cable and went without television for the next two years. We existed in an almost monk-like state for as long as it took to heal the relationship that I/we had destroyed.
The foundation that our family-house was built upon wasn’t solid. It never had been. So metaphorically speaking, we had to tear down the walls and start over.
We immediately began attending crisis marriage counseling.
And then I fell in absolute, head-over, crazy love with this man, my husband. Different and deeper than when I was 18. It was a love that had been matured, beaten, broken and mended and it was better than it had ever been before.
I started to let my husband lead and he rose happily to meet that. I backed off and practiced God-designed submission in the marriage relationship. I started letting him make decisions and gave my own opinion when he asked for it. And he asked for it a lot.
And it was so freeing.
I read through the Bible that first year. Cover to cover, Genesis through Revelation. Knowledge and spiritual gifts, that I’d suppressed for years, began to flood back to me. God hadn’t left me, he’d just let me walk away or a long time. But he hadn’t abandoned me.
We created boundaries in our relationship where we’d never had them before. I am never alone with men. Ever. And I tell him everything not because he asks but because I want to.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
The next months and years were hard, excruciatingly so at times.
But I was still a wife, his wife. And he still wanted me, amazingly. I was still a mother. My daughter still loved me. And I was still willing to do anything with my whole heart to fight for my family.
** ** **
I’m writing my book about this. There’s more. SO MUCH MORE.
Miracles. Healings. Protection. Intimacy. Love. Renewal.
But I can say that it has been more than 5 ½ years since January 4, 2004. It has been 5 ½ years of restoration, God’s provision, hard work, tears.
Chad has never thrown it back in my face during an argument.
He’s never brought it up again. And I have remained absolutely faithful.
We rarely talk about it. But when we do, it’s with forgiveness and grace and amazement about the power of God.
Know that I am the same woman who had an affair, and at the same time I am completely new. I am the living proof of the grace of God.
I am the woman in the dust who was caught in adultery. I was given grace when Jesus spoke directly to me and told me to go and be different. So I did.
He called me
Loved.
Saved.
Restored.
And these are my new names.
Maybe you hate me. I understand if you do.
But maybe you don’t. Maybe you see yourself in me. Maybe you recognize warning signs in your own marriage. Maybe you are here reading this for a reason. Maybe you love knowing that one more person is new in Christ. Maybe this is you and you can’t stop. Maybe you need to stop what you are doing and get help. Maybe you need to confess.
Maybe you understand God’s grace just a little more.
[From the beginning, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4]
Photo by Misty Matz
Tags: adultery, forgivness, grace, marriage, My New Name, my story
Sarah . . .I came to you through Holley Gerth, being a reader of her blog. I had never read your story, until tonight. I am crying and crying. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough to say. I am overwhelmed and overtaken. . .and that’s alright.
At another blog, a fictional story was told about an innocent lunch between a man and woman, and the dangers of that. I sent him to you, since you’d been talking about that recently! He’s sharing your link today.
Sarah, I love your story, I love you and I love your Jesus. Your friend in Christ, deb
Hi Sarah,
As you know I just found your site and on facebook and twitter. I am crying as I write this because my husband left me last July and had been having an affair with another woman. I always we thought we had a strong Christian marriage so this came out of the blue for me. He’s still gone but neither one of us has filed for divorce yet. This give me a idea of what his emotional state is. I so appreciate both you and your husband’s honesty and I believe that God has led me to your site. Thanks!!
Sarah,
I found your site through the link posted on one of my friend’s blog..I’ve no words to say…your story brought tears into my eyes…I’m so amazed by the transparency in your writing…straight from the heart. As you said…Today, I understood God’s grace a little more…Thank you so much Sarah for sharing…and I thank God for the courage that He has given you to share it..
God Bless you and your family,
Rani John
God brought me here today, to read your story. I have to thank you for your honesty and courage. But I’m still mad. Angry that we so callously disregard our promises and destroy the sanctity of our marriages. Betrayal hurts beyond compare. It isn’t like any other hurt.
But God is bigger. And so is His grace. He restores and heals.
It isn’t easy- it hasn’t been easy- but He is faithful. I would never have asked for this kind of agony, but then I wouldn’t have learned so many life-changing truths about our awesome God; and my marriage would not have survived. There are many complicated details, but I’ll keep it simple- we have four precious children here on earth, and we’ll be celebrating 13 years of marriage this fall. Praise God!
Thanks again- I hope you’re blessed today!
thank you so much Bethany for this comment.
and thank you for being honest about being mad. i understand completely.
sarah,
i came across your blog through (in)courage and i can’t tell you how much your story ministered to me…your humility and transparency are so obvious and real and i admire you for being willing to share this story that could’ve ruined your life…instead, how awesome it is to see that God took your ashes and made something beautiful from them!! my husband and i have always had a strong marriage, yet your story has helped me to see that even the best of marriages can fall apart if we’re not careful to guard both our marriage and our hearts. God bless you and your sweet family!!
~patty r.
Thank you so much for your openess and honesty. You touched my heart and allowed the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to my own life. Thank you! You will never know how much good your honesty has done.
Sarah, thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Tears flow when reading your story. I want to caution you to be very diligent in staying close to your husband and, more importantly, close to Christ, after your book is published. If it is written anything at all like your blog is, it will touch lives and souls and it will sell. You’ll need to be careful not to let narcissism invade your spirit from that financial and “fame” success I feel you’ll have. Stay humble, pure of heart, devoted to your husband, your children, your Lord. I feel emotionally drained from reading your story – you touched me so deeply and it is awakening and deepening my desire to know Christ’s forgiveness and love the way that you have! Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story.
thank you for the comment and the warning. =)
Sarah~
Thank you for your honesty, your transparency, and your example. I know that God is using you to speak to so many like me that have felt alone and hopeless.
Not that there was actual infidelity within my marriage, but the temptation was certainly there and the neglect and “falling out of love” feelings did nothing to help. I am so thankful that I never crossed the line…so very thankful. Dealing with my thoughts is enough. Learning how to love better is my mission. I hope my husband’s, too. But, reading your posts and then all of the comments from your readers is just amazing and eye-opening. I felt so alone. I had no idea that any other “good, Christian” woman/wife faced these issues. I didn’t open up to anyone (except my mom) and therefore my seeming solitude was solidified. Reading through these gave me hope and cleared my self-induced fog so that I could finally see the multitude of sisters standing beside me…holding my hands.
I hope my sisters and friends never do find themselves where I’ve been, but if they do, I hope they’ll see me reaching out.
peace & blessings~
kalli k.
Sarah–I only recently found your blog, and now your story…the testimony it is to the beauty of Christ’s redemption is powerful, humbling, challenging…thank you. Thank you for your transparency that gives the rest of us comfort, strength, hope…your story glows with the brilliance of His mercy and grace and it is beautiful.
I found your blog by just skipping around while procrastinating at work. And then when I read your story, this story, it resonated deep within me.
I’m not a church-goer or very religious, but spirituality is important.
I was married for 10 years, but I left it all 6 years ago. I upheaved my family, split my children down the middle, and thought I had found my happiness. I had started an emotional affair also, but with a woman. It’s much easier to hide and lie your way through that. Your best friend becomes your lover, the one you run to with everything. Which is how I always envisioned a husband would be….but I married young and out of necessity to a man who was emotionally unavailable. I spent years trying to end my “friendship”, after it had killed my marriage and distanced numerous friends. I was scared to end it, I was scared to not end it. I was saddened beyond belief and it took a lot for me to stand up and live on my own two feet.
Finally, I put everything in God’s hands one day and asked that he show me the way he wanted me to go, to let me see what he had planned for me. I prayed nightly for somebody that would complement me, the real me. And after a few months I met him. It’s been about 3 years since we met. When we first met I was trepidatious and we moved slow. (he had his own load of emotional luggage after having a wife that cheated on him) In 2 1/2 months we are going to be married, on a beach at sunset, and melding our 2 broken families into one big crazy one.
I am glad that you have found a way to put your marriage together and remain a strong couple, I believe that the right partner is the key to that. And after reading your story and having all my emotions surge, I know that I have the right partner now.
Dear Sarah,
I know to write your story isn’t easy because it’s painful. But thank you for doing this, for posting a blog and desiring to see other marriages healed.
God has used your story tonight to speak to my heart. Beauty can grow even after we’ve made a mess. So again, thank you so much for being willing to share this.
Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think that God is trying to get the message across to me that He still offers redemption. My story is a lot like yours, but different. I’ve been honest with my husband for two and a half years now, but it still feels like what I did lurks beneath our smiles and our dinners and our sex. I don’t know how to fix it. I just started counseling, I hope it helps.
Could you please pray for me? I would very much like to be broken so that I could heal, but it seems like the only pain I felt was the pain of thinking I would lose the man I love. When he decided to forgive me, I was in shock. But I feel like I never dealt with it spiritually, and I feel like my husband never dealt with his own emotions about it.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing your story. There is hope for me to some day be in a picture like yours on your sidebar, where two people are genuinely happy to be together!
i will be praying for you. if you want to email me please do: sarah at sarahmarkley dot com
thank you so much for your comment.
I’m divorced now, but I too have the same rule – I’m NEVER… NEVER… NEVER,NEVER,NEVER alone in a room with a man who isn’t one of my brothers. I must have hedges to not only protect me, but other men. I will never again cause pain for another woman. NEVER!
Wow, it was like I was reading my own story, the difference being that my husband never really forgave me … I am still praying for healing and a mended relationship, I don’t know if it will happen, but I do hope for it. Thankyou for being brave enough to tell this story, even know I really have no one I can talk to about this. I have lost friends, respect from people and gained much coldness from others. In a way it has brought me much closer to God because I’ve learned at the end of the day He is my one true friend who forgives and Loves unconditionally even when I mess up royally. Thx again <3
Thank you,
I needed to read this
I stumbled upon your story today and it truly resonates with the story of my life at present. I have been going through a very dark and scary period in my life as a result of so many mistakes that I have made. I have lost the love of my life and I am not sure that I will get him back. But I have gained a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God in the process of my own healing and I have learnt lessons and grown tremendously in my faith.
I don’t know why life brings us to such phases in life but I know that God’s grace and mercies are never-ending, though not to be abused, they uplift us even from the darkest, deepest abyss of sin.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Amazing story. I found you through Lisa Leonard’s blog. Your honesty is touching. I don’t have any idea what you’ve been through but I applaud your trust and love in the Lord. God blesses us each and every day–it’s our responsibility to honor that. Good for you!
Sarah,
I too stumbled upon your story today and now I sit at my computer with tears streaming down my cheeks. Out of joy for you and hope for me. My situation is not the same as yours, (there was emotional and physical infidelity on both my husband and my part) but I can definitely relate to your journey. I watched your video in awe and I’ll say it jealousy. My husband does not know Christ. He is holding on to unforgiveness and anger, holding on to the pain and not willing to let Jesus in to begin the healing. I am here waiting and doing EVERYTHING in my power to fight for this marriage. It’s been 8 months and I see very little change in him, in fact he pulls away more and more, he says even more so now that I am stronger in my Faith than I have ever been we cannot be together. We have two beautiful children who I fear will suffer the ultimate consequences of this. I have not given up, I know that Christ can do all things, He can break down the walls my husband has put up and see that there is hope for us. But it’s hard. I love him do much, I miss him. We live together still, but separated. I could go on, but I wont. All I will say is thank you. For your story of hope for the broken hearted.
NOT REALLY sure why I was drawn to your blog- or your story…but I have read your story and have applied your feelings to my own situation- however different- the feelings still apply… and I believe that there is hope.
thank you
What an amazing story of redemption! With God ALL things are possible! I look up to you and your husband, although I know this forgivness and healing came straight from God. I look up to your willingness to be used by God and keep your marriage in tact, I don’t know if i could say the same for my self. Sorry this is sort of a long post…
But I want to say, I have been dealing with something. God’s been working on me about judgement of others. Several months ago I might read this and although I was brought to tears, I might say in the back of mind something like ’she wasn’t really a christian then’ But you see that would take away from God’s Glory! It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from when it comes to GOD! I am really starting to recognize that Christian’s have struggles and season’s I should take the log out of mine own eye before trying to remove the spec from my sisters/brothers. Praise God for His work in all of us! Praise God for you Sarah and Chad! Thank you for your honesty!
You are a big blessing. Praise the Lord for your life. Praise the Lord for Chad. God bless your family.
I was moved in heart by your families story. I appreciate your willingness to take ownership of your sin. Even more I appreciate that several years of success (even if hard won) passed before you posted your story.
So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit—-and this power is mine through Christ Jesus—-has freed me from the vicious circle of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2 “old” living Bible