FOUNDATION
He told me that Jesus screws up everything.
My husband had been on his own journey during those 24 hours and when I met up with him the next day in the presence of our associate pastor and his wife, Chad said he had to forgive me.
He must.
Because Christ had forgiven him of so much. He wasn’t that different than I was, in his words, and that we all equally were in need of forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn’t want to forgive me but he had to. For the love of Christ, he forgave me. And he did so fully. And he still loved me even though I’d hurt him and ruined everything so desperately. Jesus in the mix screwed up his desire to hate me, to hold a grudge, to be bitter.
Each day that passed I realized my own sinfulness more, understood God’s grace more and embarked on a campaign to clean my own mind of images that used to comfort but now haunted me. I never defended my own actions. From the beginning I understood how my own poor choices and pride had resulted in this affair.
I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.
And together as a couple we made some serious choices. Our marriage had been diseased from the start and we were beginning to realize the gravity of that. We poured out all of our alcohol and threw out all of the questionable movies we owned. We cut off our cable and went without television for the next two years. We existed in an almost monk-like state for as long as it took to heal the relationship that I/we had destroyed.
The foundation that our family-house was built upon wasn’t solid. It never had been. So metaphorically speaking, we had to tear down the walls and start over.
We immediately began attending crisis marriage counseling.
And then I fell in absolute, head-over, crazy love with this man, my husband. Different and deeper than when I was 18. It was a love that had been matured, beaten, broken and mended and it was better than it had ever been before.
I started to let my husband lead and he rose happily to meet that. I backed off and practiced God-designed submission in the marriage relationship. I started letting him make decisions and gave my own opinion when he asked for it. And he asked for it a lot.
And it was so freeing.
I read through the Bible that first year. Cover to cover, Genesis through Revelation. Knowledge and spiritual gifts, that I’d suppressed for years, began to flood back to me. God hadn’t left me, he’d just let me walk away or a long time. But he hadn’t abandoned me.
We created boundaries in our relationship where we’d never had them before. I am never alone with men. Ever. And I tell him everything not because he asks but because I want to.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
The next months and years were hard, excruciatingly so at times.
But I was still a wife, his wife. And he still wanted me, amazingly. I was still a mother. My daughter still loved me. And I was still willing to do anything with my whole heart to fight for my family.
** ** **
I’m writing my book about this. There’s more. SO MUCH MORE.
Miracles. Healings. Protection. Intimacy. Love. Renewal.
But I can say that it has been more than 5 ½ years since January 4, 2004. It has been 5 ½ years of restoration, God’s provision, hard work, tears.
Chad has never thrown it back in my face during an argument.
He’s never brought it up again. And I have remained absolutely faithful.
We rarely talk about it. But when we do, it’s with forgiveness and grace and amazement about the power of God.
Know that I am the same woman who had an affair, and at the same time I am completely new. I am the living proof of the grace of God.
I am the woman in the dust who was caught in adultery. I was given grace when Jesus spoke directly to me and told me to go and be different. So I did.
He called me
Loved.
Saved.
Restored.
And these are my new names.
Maybe you hate me. I understand if you do.
But maybe you don’t. Maybe you see yourself in me. Maybe you recognize warning signs in your own marriage. Maybe you are here reading this for a reason. Maybe you love knowing that one more person is new in Christ. Maybe this is you and you can’t stop. Maybe you need to stop what you are doing and get help. Maybe you need to confess.
Maybe you understand God’s grace just a little more.
[From the beginning, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4]
Photo by Misty Matz
Wow. Just wow. Thank you for sharing.
Sarah:
Thank you for sharing this. My husband had an affair in February and we have been working on our marriage. I have read “My New Name” several times and I really hope that you will finish your book.
I turn to your story when I am feeling frustrated and especially when I find myself thinking I want details of what happened. My biggest thing is struggling with feeling like I must not be good enough for him or he wouldn’t have done what he did… Anyway, I am still struggling with so many emotions that this affair has caused and I just want to thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you Sarah! I came across your story through Lisa Leonard’s blog. I watched the video and read your story and just cried. I feel like I’m reading God’s story for my own marriage, but just opposite characters. My husband told me of his prior unfaithfulness in December and God showed up! He showed me of my need to give grace and has given my husband a new name as well. Thank you for being open and sharing what God is doing in your life!
Thank you Sarah. My husband wanted me to come here for a long time. I’m here now and God is good. Very, very good.
Hi Sarah, I guess I am Chad. So many things you shared sound just like my marriage. But my wife is still out there and we have 4 children. The Lord has been very clear with me that she will return. But the wait is HARD! Your story gives me hope and understanding. It helps me understand how my wife could have an affair even though I tried so hard to love her and be the perfect (but of course terribly flawed) husband. Your story also helps me understand how to forgive my wife. Tell Chad I say thank you for that. This has been the hardest time of my life, but I’m so close to God as a result that I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I too am writing a book… “Don’t Give Up” is the working title.
Thank you a million times for your story!
Tony
Hi there Tony, you are an amazing guy by/with/in JESUS’ NAME to Him be all the glory. Do exactly what Jesus would do in thought, word & deed, I know what ur thinking easier said than done, but man i’ve been there too! I would love to share & be ur pal? Pls reply
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Hey Sarah,
Thank you for being so honest and REAL. So many people you can touch lives for sharing your story–and by any means I’m sure it has been a tough journey to be an open book. This really brought me to tears!! Made me realize how I need to be more serious in being more of a submissive wife, and become more like Jesus. Thanks for your honesty. You are such a beautiful woman, inside and out. God IS good!
Kelly
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WOW, your story and Chad’s….amazing testimony of HIS restoration. I have never cheated, but we both (my husband and I )have struggled with dangerous vices online, which can be just as dangerous as a real live affair.
the hope of falling in love, like never before is what i need. my husband is all that I ever asked God for and still there is longing for more. the days when i walk in complete trust and awe of what God has given us are our best days. may i never take HIS love or that of my husband’s for granted.
blessings and thanks for your bravery in writing this part of your story!
Just found your blog through in(courage).
In the past year, I’ve come to realize just how easy it could be to stray from my marriage. Not too long ago, I was walking down a road that very well could have led to an affair. I could see how my interactions with another man were slowly heading in a direction they should never have been going. Now when this man comes to mind, I try to focus on all the great things about my husband and all the negative traits about the other man. Of course, the #1 thing I try to focus on is that we are both married, so that’s the first reason I have no business thinking about him at all. But, I also try to get past the desirable traits he has and focus on why, just like with any man, there would always be something lacking if we were together. It is such a deception to think that if only we had married this other person, life would be great. The truth of the matter is, once the euphoria of any relationship wears off, there will always be hard times and the issue of your needs (and wants) not being met 100% of the time.
Seeing first hand how easily I could have run down the wrong path makes me so fearful that someday, my husband might do just that.
Sarah, I appreciate you sharing such a personal story so that others may benefit from your story.
Sarah, thanks so much for sharing, your story is similar to ours, but I was the one who was cheated on, I pray and pray that our outcome will be like yours and Chad’s, I feel that is all I can do at times. Yoir story gives me hope, God must think I’m strong for putting this in my lap, but I’m not, so I lean on Him daily. THanks again.
wow…wow.i just couldnt stop reading. Im not married, not sure if i will anytime soon! But thanks for such a touching real life story,many blessings to you and your family from costa rica!
God works in mysterious ways. I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog. I was surfing the web. I have no recollection of opening this website, but yet it was open. At first I was supicious: “Who is this woman? Why is her page open?”
I questioned my husband about you: “Do you know her?!”
You see, I’m going through a terrible time right now. My husband of 15 years had an emotional affair that lasted about 3 years. It’s over now. He hasn’t had any contact with the other woman for about 9 months or so. Still, the deep pain and soul-searing grief of his actions, all the e-mails they exchanged, and the lies that were told still haunt my every waking moment. The pain is so intense, sometimes (most of the time, really) it hurts to breathe.
I love my husband. I truly do. Yet, I find it so hard to forgive him and sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible. I hate the other woman as much as I love him. Misplaced hatred, I know. She owes me nothing.
Before all this happened, I never thought myself capable of such terrible, dark emotions. But here they are. I’d have never judged or condemned anyone for their adultery. It’s not something I’d ever encourage, but it just seems such a remote idea in the realm or possibilities. “This could never happen to me!” or “My husband is too honorable for such actions.”
So naive.
The reality is, this could happen to me – and it has! My husband IS indeed honorable…but he’s also human, and far from a Saint. In my self-righteous blindness, I completely overlooked this fact.
The other woman is (probably) not the monster that my broken heart and tortured mind have made her out to be. She’s a flawed human – just like you and me. Your blog has helped me to shed some light on this fact.
I won’t pretend to be suddenly healed, or to have a change of heart. I can’t say that I don’t hold any more resentments or grudges against her, but at the very least I can begin to imagine a sliver of compassion in my heart, a glimmer of hope that in a (hopefully not too distant) future, I can let go of this hurt and forgive – not just my husband, but also her. And me.
Thank you.
I just discovered my husband’s emotional affair 5 weeks ago. Thanks for sharing your story. It is so encouraging, and shows that nothing is too hard for God!
V, one thing that has helped me with forgiving the other woman – I pray for her daily. Not because I want to, but because I know that I have to forgive, and my God is in the business of changing hearts! As I pray for her out of obedience, God is changing my heart toward her.
You guys must have built an *incredibly* healthy, functional relationship to heal in the ways you have and do all the little things it takes to move forward after this kind of issue. It says volumes about you that you immediately took the right steps to prove yourself trustworthy again and rebuild his faith in your word. It says volumes about him that he has been able to move forward without holding this over your head or punishing you for hurting him in such a profound way. You are special people. Not very many people can do what you’ve done.
This, friend (I call you that without knowing you, yet I know you because I have been and are now more than similar than you), is also my story you tell. Oh, how beautiful it is to be made new. So much I could say on this, but I will simply say “I love you” my Sister in Christ. I pray you are basking in the beauty of his truth. I pray you are wearing the garment of grace well.
Hi Sarah found your story through Cindy Beall. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story.
I have a question. Did you realize you loved your husband after you confessed or during the affair?
Also, question for Chad. Did you know of others that knew about your wife’s affair but like the comment “didn’t want to pry”?
Again, I’ll pray for you and your family as you share your story to help others. Chad I appreciate your need to follow the Bible on forgiveness. Thanks for your example.
God’s Blessings
Elaine
WOW….you literally just put my story into words. Thank you for sharing.
Reading this brings comfort and hope; a desire for restoration and a second chance of a loving marriage.
i just read this fr the first time I didn’t know i love you even more all the same as a sister in Christ this moves me because I am afraid at warning signs in my fledgling marriage that my own controlling nature is too much i am too intense too a bad argument with my husband yesterday shows me i need to pay attention back off submit Godly even more at age 41 and he 42 we are in an interesting place as adults and it affects our new marriage I will treasure more closely and protect more carefully Jesus help me not to think the grass might be greener somewhere else…
I’m late to the party, but God bless you guys, and your story. It brought tears to my eyes, both for Chad and you. As you know, I’ve been the Chad -and while my situation ended differently (how I had prayed that my now ex-wife would have owned up to her affair), God still uses heart ache for good. And now I’m blesses with an amazing wife, and now we are family. And thank you for the reminder to remain ever vigilant and protective of her. By the way, you can read my story at http://www.conversantoife.com/JimFarmer.
Amazing…thank you so much for sharing this. You have beautifully written about grace and forgiveness. I appreciate your courage and openness. God bless you for that!!
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