FOUNDATION
He told me that Jesus screws up everything.
My husband had been on his own journey during those 24 hours and when I met up with him the next day in the presence of our associate pastor and his wife, Chad said he had to forgive me.
He must.
Because Christ had forgiven him of so much. He wasn’t that different than I was, in his words, and that we all equally were in need of forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn’t want to forgive me but he had to. For the love of Christ, he forgave me. And he did so fully. And he still loved me even though I’d hurt him and ruined everything so desperately. Jesus in the mix screwed up his desire to hate me, to hold a grudge, to be bitter.
Each day that passed I realized my own sinfulness more, understood God’s grace more and embarked on a campaign to clean my own mind of images that used to comfort but now haunted me. I never defended my own actions. From the beginning I understood how my own poor choices and pride had resulted in this affair.
I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.
And together as a couple we made some serious choices. Our marriage had been diseased from the start and we were beginning to realize the gravity of that. We poured out all of our alcohol and threw out all of the questionable movies we owned. We cut off our cable and went without television for the next two years. We existed in an almost monk-like state for as long as it took to heal the relationship that I/we had destroyed.
The foundation that our family-house was built upon wasn’t solid. It never had been. So metaphorically speaking, we had to tear down the walls and start over.
We immediately began attending crisis marriage counseling.
And then I fell in absolute, head-over, crazy love with this man, my husband. Different and deeper than when I was 18. It was a love that had been matured, beaten, broken and mended and it was better than it had ever been before.
I started to let my husband lead and he rose happily to meet that. I backed off and practiced God-designed submission in the marriage relationship. I started letting him make decisions and gave my own opinion when he asked for it. And he asked for it a lot.
And it was so freeing.
I read through the Bible that first year. Cover to cover, Genesis through Revelation. Knowledge and spiritual gifts, that I’d suppressed for years, began to flood back to me. God hadn’t left me, he’d just let me walk away or a long time. But he hadn’t abandoned me.
We created boundaries in our relationship where we’d never had them before. I am never alone with men. Ever. And I tell him everything not because he asks but because I want to.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
The next months and years were hard, excruciatingly so at times.
But I was still a wife, his wife. And he still wanted me, amazingly. I was still a mother. My daughter still loved me. And I was still willing to do anything with my whole heart to fight for my family.
** ** **
I’m writing my book about this. There’s more. SO MUCH MORE.
Miracles. Healings. Protection. Intimacy. Love. Renewal.
But I can say that it has been more than 5 ½ years since January 4, 2004. It has been 5 ½ years of restoration, God’s provision, hard work, tears.
Chad has never thrown it back in my face during an argument.
He’s never brought it up again. And I have remained absolutely faithful.
We rarely talk about it. But when we do, it’s with forgiveness and grace and amazement about the power of God.
Know that I am the same woman who had an affair, and at the same time I am completely new. I am the living proof of the grace of God.
I am the woman in the dust who was caught in adultery. I was given grace when Jesus spoke directly to me and told me to go and be different. So I did.
He called me
Loved.
Saved.
Restored.
And these are my new names.
Maybe you hate me. I understand if you do.
But maybe you don’t. Maybe you see yourself in me. Maybe you recognize warning signs in your own marriage. Maybe you are here reading this for a reason. Maybe you love knowing that one more person is new in Christ. Maybe this is you and you can’t stop. Maybe you need to stop what you are doing and get help. Maybe you need to confess.
Maybe you understand God’s grace just a little more.
[From the beginning, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4]
Photo by Misty Matz
Sarah, God is going to use you and your story in ways you can’t even imagine. I am certain of that. I am so honored to be your friend. Thank you for sharing this.
Again, I am so encouraged…God is so amazing!
Sarah,
May God bless you for your transparency and obedience.
I’m so looking forward to your book.
I couldn’t wait until you posted the last part. Since we live overseas, I’d been checking since midnight US time. Thank you for sharing this journey. Thank you for being honest and for being willing to put it all out there so God’s name might be glorified through all He has done in your life. Hallelujah!
I just read the 5 parts twice because the first time I couldn’t see through the tears. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you both had to go through this, but the end result is amazing. I pray your marriage & family continue to be blessed. I can’t wait for your book to be released.
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us in cyberspace. It has given me something to look forward to – my daily reading fix, the next installment and I have so enjoyed this glimpse into your life.
I don’t know that I could forgive my husband of infidelity not because that sin is any greater than any of the many I am guilty of but because of the breach of trust. I know that I would question where he was or what he was doing the next night he was home late from work etc.
You have given me much food for thought.
I think that you are exceptionally brave and that your story will be an encouragement to others in a similar situation.
i found your story in ‘day 3′ of sharing. what a beautiful story of love, compassion and restoration. it’s beautiful because of the glory that is given to the Healer of your marriage. a story of triumph & hope. thank you.
wow! thank you so much for sharing your ‘story’. you have amazing courage!
I am looking forward to your new book. As I said previously, He is painting a picture of redemption through your words. What a masterpiece you two (three) have put together.
Thank you again for being brave and sharing your story. It is an encouragement.
Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your courage.
Hate you? Never…Love you? Definately…Praying for you? Most certainly… I do not ‘know’ you but you are my sister in Christ. God has restored me like he has restored you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for sharing God’s love, mercy, grace with everyone who is reading your story.
Wow… thank you for the courage to share with us your story of God’s *amazing* grace! It is such an example of TRUE GRACE!!
Sarah, thank you for writing this. As I read the end of your story I am in tears. Not because I have been through this specific situation, but because there have been times in my life when I have walked away from God — in serious ways — and I never fail to be completely amazed by His grace and mercy and forgiveness. This is a beautiful, heart-wrenching story and I am so thankful that you were brave enough, and bold enough to tell it. No matter what someone’s walk holds, the story of true redemption is incredibly powerful. Thank you, again.
Sarah, I love hearing how God works…in all ways and in all things. He’s done such a work in you, in Chad, and in your relationship with each other. Your situation is one I’ve never experienced personally, but have known those who have and were not strong (or weak) enough to turn to Christ for His grace and forgiveness. I’m so thankful that your marriage was saved and is better today than ever. Thank you for sharing this difficult journey.
PS…put me on the list to purchase the book when it’s ready!!! I love your writing. =)
“There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.”
Ms. Sarah, hearing this from a woman has pushed me to believe that my husband does not want to relive those moments of his adultery. He will do it, but sometimes he tells me that he forgot and I tell him that he must think that I am stupid. So much more to our story as well but just wanted you to know that by your sharing & innocent heart, I have got to let it go, stop throwing it in his face during arguments-insisting that adultery is the core reason that I am angry at the moment, and believe my man.
I also admire the comparison you used with the woman caught in adultery, great tie in!
Thank you, Sarah. I am proud of your courage!
I love you!
smooches,
Larie
Our God is so good! Thank you so much for sharing this.
Amazing Grace! How Sweet the Sound! We all stand in need of His Grace. Thanks for sharing your journey. We each have our own to walk through in this life. Mine is different from yours, but my need for God’s grace is the same. God bless you and your family!
Oh, I love this last part. Yay God!
There is nothing sadder in the human condition than unredeemed suffering.
I’d say you and Chad are redeeming your suffering right here, right now.
Dang proud to know ya, babe.
sarah….
i have so much enjoyed your story. not because it was beautiful in all the pieces, but because God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness were there….the whole time. and your husband forgave you. he loved the way most don’t in marriages anymore! and by the way, i don’t hate you… i have fallen in love with the two of you through your story. God has provided such strength and redeemed a broken marriage…it just draws you in. it’s beautiful. i am so looking forward to your book. i look forward to all you have to write, for all the Lord gives you to say.
i long to feel that closeness with the Lord. it’s not Him…it’s always me. He has never changed, let go, or walked away. i hold onto things that pull me away from Him.
beauty. there is SO MUCH BEAUTY in your story!
and another thing, i don’t know where your friendship sits with the one that told your pastor, but that appears to be someone who cares! (hopefully she told out of love and not to be spiteful)! i choose to believe the first…and in such case…she was watching out for you and helped in a way that she knew she could!
you are loved. you are prayed for. you are adored!
sincerely…
shannon stinson
and ps. thanks for your prayers!
I know so many women will be able to see a reflection of themselves in your words! No matter what sin we struggle with, the names are the same after- loved, saved, restored.
Beautiful!
You are a delightful person! and I don’t even know you….Just started reading your blog last Saturday. I came at the right moment. Enjoyed your writing. It always kept me hanging on till the next day. You are gifted and I can tell you get the art of writing. As I think of you I will pray for guidance and patience. I thank God for His healing. I know He is smiling at you right now. Much much love…..
THIS is what I like to hear. It is so depressing to hear marriages dissolving because of ‘irreconcilable difference’ when it’s probably just because they want something different. I can’t even imagine what you went through, especially when you were confronted and poured out everything to your husband. What a guy! Thank God He was there all the time, as He has promised, and was working in both of you when this all came out. May God continue to grow and bless you with many more anniversaries.
Sarah,
I just want to say THANK you! Thank you for being honest, raw, and humble. Thank you for sharing your story so that we may all learn from you, from what God has revealed to you. I’ve not had an affair, but can see that, although I love my husband with all my heart, that our marriage, too, has been diseased from the start. And this all makes so much sense to me…Yes, I’m one of those reading this for a reason. I have so much more to say, but I won’t. Just know that I’ll be one of the first to read your book!
Thank you!
With love,
Becky
I’m so happy that this is the ‘ending’ for your story. You have helped me to be more compassionate. I never thought that I could remain married if suddenly there was someone else in the mix, but I realize now that I’d be putting restraints on the Lord if I acted so brash. Anyway, I pray that I never have to even think about that situation, but knowing what you’ve overcome, I know that there is beauty from ashes.
So much love,
mandie
I can’t remember how I found you a couple of weeks ago but here I am. I’ve walked this same road…my husband had the affair but that doesn’t matter. It was just as much my death to self as it was his. We all HAVE to come to the end of self… My husband and I were talking just this morning about our moments of death…the moments before Jesus took over. We are now able, as you are, to fully rejoice and be in awe of what God has done.
Your story is beautiful…thank you so much for sharing, people need to hear our stories of restoration!! God Bless you sweet girl!!!!!
Sarah, I’m a fairly new reader and just wanted to say how brave you (and your husband) are to share this difficult story. Right now in my marriage, there are a few little problems that you talked about earlier in your series and I’ve started making changes so that they don’t continue to build. Thanks for your story and your reminder to me.
Sarah, I know your story because I had lived through a similar affair over 15 years ago. I too had a husband of great faith and offered me forgiveness and I accepted. I can’t imagine if we hadn’t had Christ in our lives, it took me a while to find my way back to God but with lots of prayers it happened. The one thing that you have done differently than we is that you have shared your story with others. I just recently wrote about it for the first time. I find it interesting that I stumbled on your site via “lisa”. I keep wondering if God isn’t telling me its time to share your story but I am afraid. I too share your names of loved, saved & restored and I am forever thankful. Way to go Sarah! I know that God will continue to bless your marriage because that is what he has done for us!
Thank you Sarah for sharing your story. Our world came to a blow on June 23, 2008. I found an email from “her” and I thought my whole world was going to crumble. But it didn’t. God used this situation to bring healing to both of us. We are still working through many things, and I am sure it is going to be a long road, a road less travelled. But we have chosen to go it as a threesome (my husband, self and God…not the other woman :S)
Thanks for sharing as it has given insight to me a bit of what was in his mind.
I thank God for people like you, and Cindy Beall (that’s how I found out about your site) for being willing to share and encourage others. Your reward is in heaven!
Blessings for another day,
Nicole
Sarah,
I have been wanting to comment all week – but not knowing how I could possibly write what my heart wants to say. God’s story of redemption and grace and forgiveness is the best and most wonderful story there is, and seeing it told through *your* story brought me to tears, to my knees, and to a new sense of understanding His grace and love in new and beautiful ways.
I rejoice with you. With Chad. And, in the God who never stops loving, never stops seeking, never gives up on His children.
I will never forget your story.
Sarah
What a wonderful conclusion to your story. God really will fully restore us if we let him do that, and it looks like you are living that truth out as we speak.
It has been amazing this week, reading your story, hearing the desperation in your story as you told of such a dark time. I’m so happy you both not only chose to continue your marriage but that it brought you closer to the Lord. I look forward to your book. You have a beautiful way with words!
When is your book coming out?
Thank you for your testimony of God’s grace and mercy. Our God is a forgiving God, if we come to Him in true repentance (change our path- no longer continue in that sin). I am the one who committed adultery and divorced my covenant husband so I could continue my adultery and even legalized my adultery by marrying him. But that didn’t make it right in God’s eyes, only in man’s. When God convicted me of my sin (Mark 10:11-12) I confessed it and I ended up divorcing my marriage of adultery, and have asked my 1st husband’s forgiveness. He claims he forgives me, but we can never get back together again. He feels it is sin. I am like the prodigal wife wanting to come back but he won’t take me back. Now he is the prodigal husband and I must wait (I Cor 7:11). Your testimony made me cry because of what I did to my marriage (and we have 3 grown children) but also gave me hope of reconciliation. I pray that God will grant my family reconciliation and healing. Till then I will remain single and will serve my Lord as He pleases. Please pray for me. Thanks.
a beautiful story of restoration, forgiveness, love, courage, and obedience.
God is faithful and so good.
Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story my friend.
I love you. I am proud of you!
beautifully written. God’s grace amazes me. Your husbands willingness to forgive even when he didn’t want to with his flesh…your discipline. through God’s grace, strengthened you and your walk with Jesus. Love the story of it, love the redeeming story. God is so good to us. The picture of you and your hubby speaks strongly. You can feel the love jumping off of the screen.
May God continue to bless your marriage and through your marriage, your family. I am so glad kristen suggested I read this…it makes me smile to read stories of God’s mighty power
came this way via The Run a Muck earlier this week–glad I did. I admire your courage to share such a painful, powerful story…and praise the Savior with you for making you a beautiful trophy of His grace.
That is an amazing story of grace, forgiveness, and honesty. I love it. Thank you so much for sharing!
Awesome!!!!!
Here I am thinking I might be one of the first commenters! Sheesh
Bottom line, Jesus makes ALL things possible and will rock your freaking universe if you simply let him.
You did well this week sweet girl. I am so very proud of you.
WOW Sarah! I think I was struck most by the fact that you were involved in all of this and still in your church body. As Christians it is so easy to justify things when you are hanging with other believers. Good for your friend who called you on it and did not ignore what was going on. She was a true friend and I am hope she is still in your life today and as Christian sister. I think everyone can relate to your story in one way or another, because we are all selfish and unfortunately that selfishness is a slippery slope that can fall in a split second with anyone and no one is immune. The only thing we can do is lay it ALL day at HIS feet daily. I hope you write a book someday, I think God could use you as He has so many other writers to touch lives for HIM!! PTL! Thank you for sharing!!
like Cindy, i say, “yay God!”
your courage to show us your heart in each part of its journey amazes & blesses me.
loving you,
dad
On Monday, I was immediately struck with several emotions but chose not to comment, to rather hear the whole story and comment then. Plus, I expect with all of the support you are getting, that my response will be misunderstood. But, after a week of reading and praying, I still think I need to say these things.
I said that on Monday I had several responses. They came and went within a minute, and I didn’t dwell on any one thought. Fisrt, I was ANGRY. You (representatively, not literally) were the woman responsible for ruining my marriage so many years ago. Then, COMPASSION because I had never heard the story from her point of view. Then, FORGIVENESS because we all mess up. One sin is no different than the other in God’s eyes. Then, GUILT for all of the things I did and didn’t do that heralded the end of my marriage. Then ACCEPTANCE because in the end, it is not about who or what or why. It just is.
In the end, I am left with only confusion. All of the things I listed above were fleeting emotions. They were gone almost before I realized they were there. But in the past when I have told my own story, women in the church have not embraced me with forgivness and encouragement. I have been looked upon as if my singleness is contagious and by being near me, their own marriages could end. I have been greeted with suspicion, even though I am not the one who had an affair. I am not. But so many times, the women of God treat me as if I am and as if I am going to cheat again with their husband.
So, I am confused. Because you admitted to an affair and recieved compassion. I admitted to my husband having an affair and recieved judgment.
I applaud you for your courage. Living that took courage. Telling it did, too. I applaud you for your progress. And God, for bringing you here. And your husband. With your story, as with mine, I am in awe of the grace and mercy of God. May He continue to bless you in all areas of your life.
You are an amazing young woman of God. Thank you for sharing your heart. While the trial my family is going through is nothing like your story, the power of our God is the same and the hope we have in Him. I pray His richest blessings on you and Chad.
Anita
Tricia – I am so sorry that the people of God haven’t treated you the way they should. Please know that this, this outpouring of support online this past week, it hasn’t always been this way and it’s not always this way. and even so, at home, among people i know, there is still a stigma and judgment. so thank you for being so open. and i don’t know why people act the way they do. i’m sorry for that.
In tears over the beauty of restoration. Over the beauty of forgiveness. Truly.
Sarah, please know that your story represents God’s Grace in such a way that I think it would be impossible to walk away from. He will use you to bring about a new understanding of his amazing grace in all who read it.
You amaze me.
Chad amazes me.
God amazes me.
Thank you again for your courage. May God so richly bless your marriage and family.
LOVE IT! What a LEGACY of love you 2 have left to your precious daughters. Keep up the good hard work
all I can say is… wow.
Beautiful ending. Thank you.
Sarah, thank you a MILLION times over for sharing your story. I know it wasn’t easy. I just want to tell you to never let anyone make you have doubts about sharing your story. The negative response to you sharing this online will come. Trust me. Maybe even from people who are supposed to love and support you. And it will hurt. And may even cause you to have doubts. But those people just can’t always understand why you and Chad must share this very painful and private part of your lives. You have done the right thing and you will reap the rewards of it in time.
Know that every single time you allow what the devil meant to destroy in your marriage and ultimately your life, to be turned back around used for God’s glory, there is even more healing and freedom for you and others as a result.
I don’t know you at all, but affair or not, you are the kind of woman I’d love to have as a close friend in life. Your courage, faith, repentance, obedience, spirit, and passion for God and your family are awe-inspiring to many. Love you in Christ.
I can’t believe that out of the blue yesterday, God led me to your blog. I haven’t seen you in years, but had herd you were well. I never even knew how much I needed to know the end of your story. I am thankful to you for sharing it. I’m sorry if my post last night was too much, but I really felt led to do so. Goodbye Sarah, I’m so glad God has restored both of our lives.
Praise Him,
X
Sarah, Thank you for sharing your story. I have friends who have gone through the exact same thing except it was the husband who had 2 short affairs. Their marriage has been restored, by the grace of God. My husband and I were helping out his wife through all of this, and he new it. We heard through her that he had repented. We were happy for them but also didn’t trust that their marriage had been restored because he still hasn’t come forward and talked directly with us about the situation. He hasn’t been raw with us, in fact he has a hard time talking and looking at us. I struggle with this, a lot. I want to believe them, that he has repented, that their marriage is restored and they love each other more than they ever have. She is kind of quiet about it too. It just awkward between all of us because they, namely him are not being open. Your story has given me some insight as to why perhaps they won’t be open with us, they are trying to recover still… perhaps. We personally don’t judge them for what they have been through because I think it could be a beautiful story like yours is. Its just the lack of communication there that has caused this awkwardness. Your story has challenged me to start that line of communication so that they don’t feel like there is a stigma or judgement coming from us.
I was sad to read Tricia’s response too but it was so enlightening on how to treat others, with love and trust.