FOUNDATION
He told me that Jesus screws up everything.
My husband had been on his own journey during those 24 hours and when I met up with him the next day in the presence of our associate pastor and his wife, Chad said he had to forgive me.
He must.
Because Christ had forgiven him of so much. He wasn’t that different than I was, in his words, and that we all equally were in need of forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn’t want to forgive me but he had to. For the love of Christ, he forgave me. And he did so fully. And he still loved me even though I’d hurt him and ruined everything so desperately. Jesus in the mix screwed up his desire to hate me, to hold a grudge, to be bitter.
Each day that passed I realized my own sinfulness more, understood God’s grace more and embarked on a campaign to clean my own mind of images that used to comfort but now haunted me. I never defended my own actions. From the beginning I understood how my own poor choices and pride had resulted in this affair.
I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.
And together as a couple we made some serious choices. Our marriage had been diseased from the start and we were beginning to realize the gravity of that. We poured out all of our alcohol and threw out all of the questionable movies we owned. We cut off our cable and went without television for the next two years. We existed in an almost monk-like state for as long as it took to heal the relationship that I/we had destroyed.
The foundation that our family-house was built upon wasn’t solid. It never had been. So metaphorically speaking, we had to tear down the walls and start over.
We immediately began attending crisis marriage counseling.
And then I fell in absolute, head-over, crazy love with this man, my husband. Different and deeper than when I was 18. It was a love that had been matured, beaten, broken and mended and it was better than it had ever been before.
I started to let my husband lead and he rose happily to meet that. I backed off and practiced God-designed submission in the marriage relationship. I started letting him make decisions and gave my own opinion when he asked for it. And he asked for it a lot.
And it was so freeing.
I read through the Bible that first year. Cover to cover, Genesis through Revelation. Knowledge and spiritual gifts, that I’d suppressed for years, began to flood back to me. God hadn’t left me, he’d just let me walk away or a long time. But he hadn’t abandoned me.
We created boundaries in our relationship where we’d never had them before. I am never alone with men. Ever. And I tell him everything not because he asks but because I want to.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
The next months and years were hard, excruciatingly so at times.
But I was still a wife, his wife. And he still wanted me, amazingly. I was still a mother. My daughter still loved me. And I was still willing to do anything with my whole heart to fight for my family.
** ** **
I’m writing my book about this. There’s more. SO MUCH MORE.
Miracles. Healings. Protection. Intimacy. Love. Renewal.
But I can say that it has been more than 5 ½ years since January 4, 2004. It has been 5 ½ years of restoration, God’s provision, hard work, tears.
Chad has never thrown it back in my face during an argument.
He’s never brought it up again. And I have remained absolutely faithful.
We rarely talk about it. But when we do, it’s with forgiveness and grace and amazement about the power of God.
Know that I am the same woman who had an affair, and at the same time I am completely new. I am the living proof of the grace of God.
I am the woman in the dust who was caught in adultery. I was given grace when Jesus spoke directly to me and told me to go and be different. So I did.
He called me
Loved.
Saved.
Restored.
And these are my new names.
Maybe you hate me. I understand if you do.
But maybe you don’t. Maybe you see yourself in me. Maybe you recognize warning signs in your own marriage. Maybe you are here reading this for a reason. Maybe you love knowing that one more person is new in Christ. Maybe this is you and you can’t stop. Maybe you need to stop what you are doing and get help. Maybe you need to confess.
Maybe you understand God’s grace just a little more.
[From the beginning, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4]
Photo by Misty Matz
Tags: adultery, forgivness, grace, marriage, My New Name, my story
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i am so glad you are writing your book… when i look at what this week has brought to people, i’m excited for what your full story will bring to so many.
so proud of you. love you.
How much God loves us is amazing…I cannot grasp the depths at this moment; it’s overwhelming. …and because of your humbleness & willingness, because of Chad’s love of Christ and to CHOOSE to act like Him, there is a beautiful family today. I am in awe of God today, and thankful for you.
I too understand God’s grace. I am also the woman present when Jesus was writing in the dust. I understand and experienced restoration, but it looks different than yours. Jesus left the 99 to come after me and He gave me the grace to begin again. Eventually, it was a new marriage with a man who loves God and desirest to serve Him above all else.
It is so touching to hear of a Christian marriage that could have ended in divorce cling to the truths of the gospel and live out the love of Jesus within such a harsh reality. Its so refreshing to hear of a marriage that stood strong by the grace of God and endured. I am so thankful for both you and your husband. You are a living testimony that the love and forgiveness Christ exemplified for us can be lived out during the rough parts of marriages.
Thank you for sharing your story and I pray that it would serve to help many others find forgiveness and healing.
Sarah…I have so enjoyed reading your blog this week of healing & God’s complete restoration in your marriage. I haven’t enjoyed the hurt that you all went through, but what I am overwhelmed by is the saving grace of the Lord in your marriage and how wonderfully healing our Lord is! THank you for opening your heart in sharing this with us and I’m so excited for the book you’re writing about it! Ever since I read your first blog, I knew you would be an author..should be an author. God has given you a gift and you’re using it to His glory. Praise the Lord for both you & Chad…you’re an example to us all of complete surrender to His voice. THank you.
Sarah,
Thank you for being brave and writing this story. Our God is amazing–and he loves us enough to chase us down and bring us back to him. I know that he has done it in my life, too. You are giving me the courage to write my own story. I can’t wait to read your book!
Thanks again for your transparency and honesty,
Allison
(P.S. we met briefly at Mount Hermon–& we have a mutual friend, AnnieBlogs!)
love you, honey!
RESTORED…
[...] You can also find her husband, Chad, here at ChadMarkley.com The series in Parts: Part One – My New Name Part Two – Cliche’s Part Three – Dripping Part Four 1 – Crash Part Four 2 – Foundation [...]
I wanted to read the entire story before I left a comment, so here I am now. First, I want to say, WOW! What courage you have to even write about your story on your blog for the world to see. And also Thank you!!! I know so many people/couples who have been in the same place you have been, but do not make it out. What a wonderful example you and your husband are of forgiveness and restoration!!!
WOW! Jesus does screw things up! I like that idea. I wanted to waiting until you were finished with the story. God has a way of bringing things we think hidden to the light. I think it serves as a reminder that He has called us from the beginning of time and NEVER lets us go!
Thank you…
daaaang, sarah. i mean, God is doing big big things here. it’s kind of overwhelming–the beauty of it. we are all so broken. i was just reflecting back to that professor that told you God would do great things through you–and now I am seeing it unfold. i wonder if he had any idea the pain you and chad would have to go thru to get to this place. it’s so messy but so beautiful. i love you!!
Thank you.
For giving me the opportunity to see God’s amazing Grace and compassion through you and your husband. I love the line “Jesus screws things up” At first I was taken aback, but then when I read how Christ in the mix kept your husband from his desire to hate you… just speaks so much to what a true Christian has.
thank you for sharing your story. it is an amazing reminder of god’s grace. you are obviously an incredible woman and your openness and honesty will go so much further than you even know! through your courage you are changing the world.
I don’t know what to write. My heart hurts. I hate my husband. I feel trapped like I am clawing to get out. I want to be free like you. I cheat in my mind. I think about what it would be like, just to be with and have someone else. I know that if put into a sittuation where I was faced with someone that might show interest in me, I would jump on it. I don’t want to be that! I think God is really speaking to me, I justify my feelings as being okay and He is telling me that I am wrong. I tell myself its my husbands fault for not showing me he loves me, for not treating me the way that I want to be treated. It hurts so much! We got married because I got pregnant, its been a free fall ever since, I want it to stop! I don’t even know why I am telling you this, I don’t know you. I see though, that I could become that person. I don’t want that, and I am all ready knocking on that door. I want to be crazy in love with my husband, I want what you feel. I just feel so numb towards this man I have to spend the rest of my life with. I feel chained.
Dear C, I’ve BEEN there! Right there! I didn’t want to be around my husband; I didn’t enjoy spending time with him; our marriage was so bad that our son asked me if we were getting a divorce.
Jesus heals! God heals! Our marriage is like Sarah & Chad’s: so much better than it ever was before that I can hardly stand it (but I love it!). Please don’t give up. Give yourself over to God & submit to His guidance. He is the miracle worker!
I love this story of redemption and can relate in a different way. When I was 13 my parents’ marriage was torn apart b/c they both had affairs. It was a horrible and painful couple of years that affected each of us in its own unique and devastating way. But through prayer and grace, God restored their marriage. They just celebrated their 30th anniversary and are like two teenagers in love. I barely even remember all that pain we went through. God took our “broken” home and pieced it back together through what He did on the cross. Thank-you for sharing your story!
C,
Hang in there. The consequences of an affair is all to often divorce and the consequences of divorce far outweigh the benefits. Get the book that goes with the movie “Fireproof.” The good thing about this book is that it isn’t something you do with your husband. It is something you do. Alone. With God. For you. For your husband. And lean on God. Do what you know is right even when it is not what you want to do. And find some accountablity. I am praying for you. Hang in there.
These posts have been sooo good, and I’m so thankful you shared. I am blessed by your transparency and authenticity. What a beautiful picture of grace! God has given you an amazing talent and gift with writing, and I love that you are using His gift to bless. I’ll be first in line to buy the book!
What a beautiful “ending” God painted for you! I think God will use your story and your book to touch more women than you know. I am praying for you as you reach out and relive those painful experiences. And for you and your beautiful restored family!
C,
I recently walked away from giving into those thoughts and following through with a physical affair. My husband knows everything, and it destroyed him. It killed me, and life as I knew it.
But.
Jesus saved me, again. I cried (and yelled) out to God and He broke me. He took my broken heart, all of my insecurities & unmet needs, and He Loved me.
Within one week, ONE week, my husband went from asking me for a divorce to telling me that he forgives me and that he is leaving this, our past, behind him. Our marriage is NOT the same. God truly performed a miracle in not only our marriage but our hearts.
I can honestly say this, it starts with you. You need to run to God, naked and vulnerable, and ask Him to change you, not your husband. And He will. I have never loved my husband more than I do right now. That is all because of what Jesus has done in me.
The worst thing you can do for yourself is go to another man. Never mind what it will do for your marriage, an affair steals more than it gives. Let Jesus meet all your needs. He’s the only one who can.
Fight for your heart, your marriage, and your husband. Fight til the death.
I won’t stop praying for you.
Amazing…I am so blessed by your marriage. Thank you for being such an example to ME as a single woman. I thank God everyday for you and Chad in MY LIFE!!! Thank you so much for being so Transparent and allowing others to see the journey of REDEMPTION!!! I love you dearly!!!
T
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing this. It is not easy to admit our deepest adn darkest secrets, and yet bringing them into the light breaks to deceivers hold on us.
I remember being single, I had “daddy” issues. If I liked a guy it didn’t matter if he was “taken”. I poured myself into feeling good, even if that only lasted a couple hours. I also remember hearing about the seven year itch…It is now seven years into my marriage. When I met my husband, I would think what’s WRONG with this guy? All the other relationships I would think “Is this guy right for me?”
Rob brought me to the cross, it has taken me seven years to let go of my sexual sin that I entered my marriage with. There were times when I’d think “Gosh, I wish he was more exciting…” But God knew that excitement was not what this heart needed. In your story, I could see myself there, standing on the edge of the cliff. But everytime I have a thought or feel the pull to jump I turn a look over my shoulder. Rob is standing there, holding out his hand and saying “Come to ME, You don’t need that. All you need is right here.”
Hearing you talk about the devastation was a very good wake up call and something I will tuck away in my heart. I know how God brought Rob and I together and how he has continued to work in our lives and renew us. He is steadfast, he is victorious, he is the lamp that shines through the darkness.
Again, thank you for sharing your story.
Love and Blessings,
Sara
Hi,
I do not know you but I saw a link on a friends facebook, so I read it. I just want to say that I believe so much in Gods grace. My father had an affair and I prayed for the change in his heart that you had in yours but unfortunately it has not happened yet. I just want to let you know that you have encouraged me so much.
Wow. ok. So let me say that I met Chad online… on accident.
Reading this gives me a whole new level of respect. That is LOVE. No other way to put it.
Now for you. Your story has brought respect as well. Much kudos for sharing this. It’s amazing to know people so consumed with Love that it’s contagious.
Love you both now!
I am right there with you c. I am not sure I would go through with it, but it is thougth about. Our marriage started out on a bad foundation as well. My husband is addicted to pornography, and it affects a lot. Some days I hate him. Some days I don’t. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, but didn’t really understand how hard it would really be. But we still work on it. Sometimes it is good for a long time, then he falls again, and it is not so good anymore. But we are trying. When we focus on Christ, things go well.
Sarah, thank you for your story. I have cried all week because I can see where we could be headed, and it is not good. I definitely needed it.
I’m so glad you are writing about this – you are helping so many people. This isn’t only about the marriage relationship, it is also about each individual submitting their will to Christ’s. When the bible describes the church as Christ’s bride, we as married people can understand how He must feel when we are unfaithful to Him. Everyone needs to read this!
God’s grace amazes me every time!
May you and Chad have a sweet time this weekend reflecting on God’s goodness. blessings, my friend!
what an amazing story and the happiest of endings. from reading the comments from your husband, dad, and mom..what wonderful and supportive family you have. you are blessed!
I can’t imagine anyone hating you, I wanted to read your entire story before commenting and I’m glad I did…what a great love story, falling in love with Jesus all over again along side the man you love.
i cried. i dont cry. i cried because of how amazing God is. How if you work at healing and how if you allow God to move and truly surrender to Him He will do it. And He will make it beautiful.
I respect you for sharing…thank you. I pray that God would use your story to impact men and women and lead people out of the darkness. amazing!
I love how Jesus puts himself first, even in our redemption. He never once called us sinners saved by Grace. That’s always referred to in the past tense. Instead, He gives us all those new names. I love to flip the old saying around, “I’m a sinner saved by grace” and change it up to “I’m a follow of Christ who’s been redeemed, but I have to set some stiff boundaries in places because I can fall into such-and-such if I’m not careful!”
He will never identify you as “Sarah, the girl who cheated, who I redemmed.” Nope, it’s just “Sarah, mine.”
Amazing man, your husband!
Oh, and I don’t…..hate! If Chad can forgive you, who are we to judge? Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story. My own marriage does not have the strongest foundation, and I have often wondered whether I’d be strong enough to resist the temptation of an affair. Thankfully, I’ve not been tempted. Like you, I try to steer clear of situations that might lead anywhere near there.
Thank you for the reminder that it starts with a series of bad choices. Thank you for pointing out how lying to others leads to lying to ourselves. And thank you for showing us God’s great Mercy, Forgiveness, and Love through your husband and yourself.
Praise the Lord that He restored your marriage! The happiest ending ever. This story is full of HOPE, and God is glorified in your telling it.
God bless.
Some of you have been responding to C and others who are hurting.
Thank you.
This is YOU being Christ’s HANDS and FEET.
This is YOU ministering to others.
To C (and others who are in a mess and don’t how to fix it:
I agree with what the others have been saying. Take a step back, think and don’t do anything impulsive. Talk about it with someone you trust or even your husband if that is where it is, and then get some help. A solid counselor, a pastor you trust to point you to Jesus, a mother or father, just get some outside help. We could NEVER have healed without others helping us. Never.
don’t give up hope. sometime we walk through a desert and sometimes we don’t. but when we are in a desert, know that it won’t always be like this. not if we are walking toward the cross.
Hosea 2:23 … And I will have mercy on No Mercy,
and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’;
and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”
There is no one like our God and no one could ever compare themselves to Him.
Beautiful.
I have been anxiously awaiting each addition to your story each day. Thank you for being so brave to share something painful, yet because of God’s grace and forgiveness also beautiful.
I found your blog while reading Lisa Leonard’s.
Your story was beautiful and provides hope to all, no matter what the sin. When I was 8, my mother left my father for another man. To me, it was always two separate issues: the marriage and the affair. My father was willing to forgive, but my mother didn’t want to end it. I wish she had been as strong as you and your husband.
I have 2 beautiful sons. My husband and I celebrated 4 years of marriage yesterday. My parents’ story has become my cautionary tale. Your story reminds me that marriage requires work, but love is worth fighting for. The Lord is at the center of my marriage and that has made all the difference in the world.
I can’t wait to purchase your book and I’ve bookmarked your page for future inspiration. Please keep up the great work!
Your story and the courage you have in sharing it blesses my heart. I truly have the utmost respect for you.
I would love some guidance if you are able and willing.
In somewhat but not exact ways, I am the one in Chad’s shoes. My husband has cheated on me with a woman he worked with – he says he is not in contact with her – but I have no way of knowing. He has also been in contact with a woman from his past – not a physical relationship but I do know that explicit emails were exchanged. He also says he is no longer in contact with her – again I have no way of knowing. He has two major addictions: alcohol and pornography. We have had about 14 extremely rough months. We came to what we both thought was a breaking point at the end of May and we started going to Alcoholics Victorious meetings (very similary to AA meetings) and a counselor. This lasted for about 2 months until he started a new job and in all fairness to him, the hours do not work well with going to these meetings because they are not local. He wants to “fix” things himself and I am accused of being controlling – always wanting to have him under my thumb. This is NOT what I want…I want freedom!!!! My struggle is in letting God deal with him and keeping “my own hands” out of it. Am I foolish for sticking with him and loving him? Is it naive for me to think and pray that one day COMPLETE deliverance can happen? I love this man more than I can put into words – but am I fooling myself in thinking that we will one day find what you and Chad have? There are so many days I feel like a fool!
This came into my life at at a moment where I felt lost. Seriously, wish I would have found your blog sooner. I just pray is not to late to make things the right with my husband again.
Thank you for sharing. For your courage, your humility, and your words.
Oh Sarah, I just want to hug you. Beautiful, beautiful…I am so blessed that you shared this.
Thanks for sharing your story of redemption and God’s grace. I was in tears at the end, reading about the true and total healing God has given you … it’s evident in the fact that your husband never brings it up or throws it in your face. You both have been redeemed. May God continue to bless your marriage.
Thanks for sharing Sarah. I am so thankful for your New Name in Christi. I am so thankful for His forgiveness. Love ya.
sarah, girl…
i DID call Pastor Tom yesterday & thanked him…it was GOOD!
in reading the dear & very often broken hearts who are writing into you, i have been so moved to prayer for them & you…asking Jesus to bless each of these dear ones with trustworthy brothers & sisters who will walk the road with them like you & Chad had…and still have.
i love the shape of your heart!
love,
dad
I don’t even have words – thank you for sharing your story! I’m moved and touched by it all, as well as reading through the comments left for you. I’ve always wondered if I could trust myself if the situation occurred, but yours is a reminder to trust in Him as well as myself, and my marriage. Thank you.
I have one other note to past to your dad! Thank you for loving Sarah!!!! I lost my father almost 9 years ago and I can’t tell you how many times I wish he was here to walk this road with me right now. I know he is lifting myself and my husband up to the throne as he sits in the very presence of Jesus – but in my humanity I sure wish I could have a hug from him right now. Thank you for allowing God to use you in Sarah and Chad’s life!
Wow. Women in established marriages think they are impervious and it’s just not true. That’s when we are the most vulnerable.
Thank you for your boldness and willingness to be transparent. Thank God you have a Godly husband. What a blessing.
Praying for your marriage.
Incredible.
One thing I’m thinking about is how awesome it is that you had your pastor and his wife there to help you walk through this. When my husband and I were going through our long, hard times, we sought help – and came up empty. We went to a pastor, we went to friends, we went to Bible study leaders – and got no compassionate or Godly counsel. Only by the grace of God did we stagger out of that pit and crawl, walk and finally run into a close reflection of His plan for our marriage. Anyway, all that to say – I’m so thankful for you and your husband that you had people to stand with you and hold you accountable and hold you, period. What a blessing.
I am just astonished at both your story and your courage to tell it. And your husband’s forgiveness blows me away…and makes me want to be that kind of spouse.
Thank you – again – for sharing with us, Sarah. I will definitely read your book when it’s finished!!
Sarah, Today I rediscovered an old hymn, NOT coincidentally, on the same day I am reading your last two blogs.
O could I speak the matchless worth,
O could I sound the glories forth which in my Savior shine!
I’d sing His glorious righteousness, and magnify the wondrous grace
Which made salvation mine, which made salvation mine.
What struck me was while Samuel Medley, who wrote this in 1789, seems to confess his struggle to express what he could not, you, Sarah, told your story simply, gracefully and so eloquently…and in that story revealed that matchless worth & His glorious righteousness!
I am your Dad’s friend. He directed me to your blog & I cherish times I have spent with him over the years. I feel like this has been one of those times. I am not surprised that he responded the way he did to you, for his life, too reveals his Savior’s matchless worth and glorious righteousness.
I am also a marriage counselor. I look forward to recommending your book to my clients…many of them with wounds as deep as yours and Chad’s…and with your permission I will refer them to your blog.
Marty
Thank you for glorifying God in your marriage! It is remarkable how He raises the dead into newness of life….He and only He can work in our hearts to cause us to see ourselves for who we really are, cause us to turn from our sin, free us from it, and give us a second chance! All for our good and His glory! Thank you again for your willingness to share your story of His grace!