FOUNDATION
He told me that Jesus screws up everything.
My husband had been on his own journey during those 24 hours and when I met up with him the next day in the presence of our associate pastor and his wife, Chad said he had to forgive me.
He must.
Because Christ had forgiven him of so much. He wasn’t that different than I was, in his words, and that we all equally were in need of forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn’t want to forgive me but he had to. For the love of Christ, he forgave me. And he did so fully. And he still loved me even though I’d hurt him and ruined everything so desperately. Jesus in the mix screwed up his desire to hate me, to hold a grudge, to be bitter.
Each day that passed I realized my own sinfulness more, understood God’s grace more and embarked on a campaign to clean my own mind of images that used to comfort but now haunted me. I never defended my own actions. From the beginning I understood how my own poor choices and pride had resulted in this affair.
I was done with my old self. I removed phone numbers from my phone, took pages out of my address book and deleted emails and voicemail messages. I began to try to erase all that had gone before. And God softened the hard places of my heart and brought me close.
And together as a couple we made some serious choices. Our marriage had been diseased from the start and we were beginning to realize the gravity of that. We poured out all of our alcohol and threw out all of the questionable movies we owned. We cut off our cable and went without television for the next two years. We existed in an almost monk-like state for as long as it took to heal the relationship that I/we had destroyed.
The foundation that our family-house was built upon wasn’t solid. It never had been. So metaphorically speaking, we had to tear down the walls and start over.
We immediately began attending crisis marriage counseling.
And then I fell in absolute, head-over, crazy love with this man, my husband. Different and deeper than when I was 18. It was a love that had been matured, beaten, broken and mended and it was better than it had ever been before.
I started to let my husband lead and he rose happily to meet that. I backed off and practiced God-designed submission in the marriage relationship. I started letting him make decisions and gave my own opinion when he asked for it. And he asked for it a lot.
And it was so freeing.
I read through the Bible that first year. Cover to cover, Genesis through Revelation. Knowledge and spiritual gifts, that I’d suppressed for years, began to flood back to me. God hadn’t left me, he’d just let me walk away or a long time. But he hadn’t abandoned me.
We created boundaries in our relationship where we’d never had them before. I am never alone with men. Ever. And I tell him everything not because he asks but because I want to.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
The next months and years were hard, excruciatingly so at times.
But I was still a wife, his wife. And he still wanted me, amazingly. I was still a mother. My daughter still loved me. And I was still willing to do anything with my whole heart to fight for my family.
** ** **
I’m writing my book about this. There’s more. SO MUCH MORE.
Miracles. Healings. Protection. Intimacy. Love. Renewal.
But I can say that it has been more than 5 ½ years since January 4, 2004. It has been 5 ½ years of restoration, God’s provision, hard work, tears.
Chad has never thrown it back in my face during an argument.
He’s never brought it up again. And I have remained absolutely faithful.
We rarely talk about it. But when we do, it’s with forgiveness and grace and amazement about the power of God.
Know that I am the same woman who had an affair, and at the same time I am completely new. I am the living proof of the grace of God.
I am the woman in the dust who was caught in adultery. I was given grace when Jesus spoke directly to me and told me to go and be different. So I did.
He called me
Loved.
Saved.
Restored.
And these are my new names.
Maybe you hate me. I understand if you do.
But maybe you don’t. Maybe you see yourself in me. Maybe you recognize warning signs in your own marriage. Maybe you are here reading this for a reason. Maybe you love knowing that one more person is new in Christ. Maybe this is you and you can’t stop. Maybe you need to stop what you are doing and get help. Maybe you need to confess.
Maybe you understand God’s grace just a little more.
[From the beginning, read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4]
Photo by Misty Matz
Tags: adultery, forgivness, grace, marriage, My New Name, my story
Sarah . . .I came to you through Holley Gerth, being a reader of her blog. I had never read your story, until tonight. I am crying and crying. Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough to say. I am overwhelmed and overtaken. . .and that’s alright.
At another blog, a fictional story was told about an innocent lunch between a man and woman, and the dangers of that. I sent him to you, since you’d been talking about that recently! He’s sharing your link today.
Sarah, I love your story, I love you and I love your Jesus. Your friend in Christ, deb
Hi Sarah,
As you know I just found your site and on facebook and twitter. I am crying as I write this because my husband left me last July and had been having an affair with another woman. I always we thought we had a strong Christian marriage so this came out of the blue for me. He’s still gone but neither one of us has filed for divorce yet. This give me a idea of what his emotional state is. I so appreciate both you and your husband’s honesty and I believe that God has led me to your site. Thanks!!
Sarah,
I found your site through the link posted on one of my friend’s blog..I’ve no words to say…your story brought tears into my eyes…I’m so amazed by the transparency in your writing…straight from the heart. As you said…Today, I understood God’s grace a little more…Thank you so much Sarah for sharing…and I thank God for the courage that He has given you to share it..
God Bless you and your family,
Rani John
God brought me here today, to read your story. I have to thank you for your honesty and courage. But I’m still mad. Angry that we so callously disregard our promises and destroy the sanctity of our marriages. Betrayal hurts beyond compare. It isn’t like any other hurt.
But God is bigger. And so is His grace. He restores and heals.
It isn’t easy- it hasn’t been easy- but He is faithful. I would never have asked for this kind of agony, but then I wouldn’t have learned so many life-changing truths about our awesome God; and my marriage would not have survived. There are many complicated details, but I’ll keep it simple- we have four precious children here on earth, and we’ll be celebrating 13 years of marriage this fall. Praise God!
Thanks again- I hope you’re blessed today!
thank you so much Bethany for this comment.
and thank you for being honest about being mad. i understand completely.
sarah,
i came across your blog through (in)courage and i can’t tell you how much your story ministered to me…your humility and transparency are so obvious and real and i admire you for being willing to share this story that could’ve ruined your life…instead, how awesome it is to see that God took your ashes and made something beautiful from them!! my husband and i have always had a strong marriage, yet your story has helped me to see that even the best of marriages can fall apart if we’re not careful to guard both our marriage and our hearts. God bless you and your sweet family!!
~patty r.
Thank you so much for your openess and honesty. You touched my heart and allowed the Holy Spirit to open my eyes to my own life. Thank you! You will never know how much good your honesty has done.
Sarah, thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Tears flow when reading your story. I want to caution you to be very diligent in staying close to your husband and, more importantly, close to Christ, after your book is published. If it is written anything at all like your blog is, it will touch lives and souls and it will sell. You’ll need to be careful not to let narcissism invade your spirit from that financial and “fame” success I feel you’ll have. Stay humble, pure of heart, devoted to your husband, your children, your Lord. I feel emotionally drained from reading your story – you touched me so deeply and it is awakening and deepening my desire to know Christ’s forgiveness and love the way that you have! Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story.
thank you for the comment and the warning. =)
Sarah~
Thank you for your honesty, your transparency, and your example. I know that God is using you to speak to so many like me that have felt alone and hopeless.
Not that there was actual infidelity within my marriage, but the temptation was certainly there and the neglect and “falling out of love” feelings did nothing to help. I am so thankful that I never crossed the line…so very thankful. Dealing with my thoughts is enough. Learning how to love better is my mission. I hope my husband’s, too. But, reading your posts and then all of the comments from your readers is just amazing and eye-opening. I felt so alone. I had no idea that any other “good, Christian” woman/wife faced these issues. I didn’t open up to anyone (except my mom) and therefore my seeming solitude was solidified. Reading through these gave me hope and cleared my self-induced fog so that I could finally see the multitude of sisters standing beside me…holding my hands.
I hope my sisters and friends never do find themselves where I’ve been, but if they do, I hope they’ll see me reaching out.
peace & blessings~
kalli k.
Sarah–I only recently found your blog, and now your story…the testimony it is to the beauty of Christ’s redemption is powerful, humbling, challenging…thank you. Thank you for your transparency that gives the rest of us comfort, strength, hope…your story glows with the brilliance of His mercy and grace and it is beautiful.
I found your blog by just skipping around while procrastinating at work. And then when I read your story, this story, it resonated deep within me.
I’m not a church-goer or very religious, but spirituality is important.
I was married for 10 years, but I left it all 6 years ago. I upheaved my family, split my children down the middle, and thought I had found my happiness. I had started an emotional affair also, but with a woman. It’s much easier to hide and lie your way through that. Your best friend becomes your lover, the one you run to with everything. Which is how I always envisioned a husband would be….but I married young and out of necessity to a man who was emotionally unavailable. I spent years trying to end my “friendship”, after it had killed my marriage and distanced numerous friends. I was scared to end it, I was scared to not end it. I was saddened beyond belief and it took a lot for me to stand up and live on my own two feet.
Finally, I put everything in God’s hands one day and asked that he show me the way he wanted me to go, to let me see what he had planned for me. I prayed nightly for somebody that would complement me, the real me. And after a few months I met him. It’s been about 3 years since we met. When we first met I was trepidatious and we moved slow. (he had his own load of emotional luggage after having a wife that cheated on him) In 2 1/2 months we are going to be married, on a beach at sunset, and melding our 2 broken families into one big crazy one.
I am glad that you have found a way to put your marriage together and remain a strong couple, I believe that the right partner is the key to that. And after reading your story and having all my emotions surge, I know that I have the right partner now.
Dear Sarah,
I know to write your story isn’t easy because it’s painful. But thank you for doing this, for posting a blog and desiring to see other marriages healed.
God has used your story tonight to speak to my heart. Beauty can grow even after we’ve made a mess. So again, thank you so much for being willing to share this.
Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think that God is trying to get the message across to me that He still offers redemption. My story is a lot like yours, but different. I’ve been honest with my husband for two and a half years now, but it still feels like what I did lurks beneath our smiles and our dinners and our sex. I don’t know how to fix it. I just started counseling, I hope it helps.
Could you please pray for me? I would very much like to be broken so that I could heal, but it seems like the only pain I felt was the pain of thinking I would lose the man I love. When he decided to forgive me, I was in shock. But I feel like I never dealt with it spiritually, and I feel like my husband never dealt with his own emotions about it.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing your story. There is hope for me to some day be in a picture like yours on your sidebar, where two people are genuinely happy to be together!
i will be praying for you. if you want to email me please do: sarah at sarahmarkley dot com
thank you so much for your comment.
I’m divorced now, but I too have the same rule – I’m NEVER… NEVER… NEVER,NEVER,NEVER alone in a room with a man who isn’t one of my brothers. I must have hedges to not only protect me, but other men. I will never again cause pain for another woman. NEVER!
Wow, it was like I was reading my own story, the difference being that my husband never really forgave me … I am still praying for healing and a mended relationship, I don’t know if it will happen, but I do hope for it. Thankyou for being brave enough to tell this story, even know I really have no one I can talk to about this. I have lost friends, respect from people and gained much coldness from others. In a way it has brought me much closer to God because I’ve learned at the end of the day He is my one true friend who forgives and Loves unconditionally even when I mess up royally. Thx again <3
Thank you,
I needed to read this
I stumbled upon your story today and it truly resonates with the story of my life at present. I have been going through a very dark and scary period in my life as a result of so many mistakes that I have made. I have lost the love of my life and I am not sure that I will get him back. But I have gained a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God in the process of my own healing and I have learnt lessons and grown tremendously in my faith.
I don’t know why life brings us to such phases in life but I know that God’s grace and mercies are never-ending, though not to be abused, they uplift us even from the darkest, deepest abyss of sin.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Amazing story. I found you through Lisa Leonard’s blog. Your honesty is touching. I don’t have any idea what you’ve been through but I applaud your trust and love in the Lord. God blesses us each and every day–it’s our responsibility to honor that. Good for you!
Sarah,
I too stumbled upon your story today and now I sit at my computer with tears streaming down my cheeks. Out of joy for you and hope for me. My situation is not the same as yours, (there was emotional and physical infidelity on both my husband and my part) but I can definitely relate to your journey. I watched your video in awe and I’ll say it jealousy. My husband does not know Christ. He is holding on to unforgiveness and anger, holding on to the pain and not willing to let Jesus in to begin the healing. I am here waiting and doing EVERYTHING in my power to fight for this marriage. It’s been 8 months and I see very little change in him, in fact he pulls away more and more, he says even more so now that I am stronger in my Faith than I have ever been we cannot be together. We have two beautiful children who I fear will suffer the ultimate consequences of this. I have not given up, I know that Christ can do all things, He can break down the walls my husband has put up and see that there is hope for us. But it’s hard. I love him do much, I miss him. We live together still, but separated. I could go on, but I wont. All I will say is thank you. For your story of hope for the broken hearted.
NOT REALLY sure why I was drawn to your blog- or your story…but I have read your story and have applied your feelings to my own situation- however different- the feelings still apply… and I believe that there is hope.
thank you
What an amazing story of redemption! With God ALL things are possible! I look up to you and your husband, although I know this forgivness and healing came straight from God. I look up to your willingness to be used by God and keep your marriage in tact, I don’t know if i could say the same for my self. Sorry this is sort of a long post…
But I want to say, I have been dealing with something. God’s been working on me about judgement of others. Several months ago I might read this and although I was brought to tears, I might say in the back of mind something like ‘she wasn’t really a christian then’ But you see that would take away from God’s Glory! It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from when it comes to GOD! I am really starting to recognize that Christian’s have struggles and season’s I should take the log out of mine own eye before trying to remove the spec from my sisters/brothers. Praise God for His work in all of us! Praise God for you Sarah and Chad! Thank you for your honesty!
You are a big blessing. Praise the Lord for your life. Praise the Lord for Chad. God bless your family.
I was moved in heart by your families story. I appreciate your willingness to take ownership of your sin. Even more I appreciate that several years of success (even if hard won) passed before you posted your story.
So there is now no condemnation awaiting those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit—-and this power is mine through Christ Jesus—-has freed me from the vicious circle of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2 “old” living Bible
Sarah I am new to your blog & your story. Boy!…What a story. For you to open up and tell on yourself is amazingly courageous and beautiful. It gives us hope when there is hopelessness. And to know the beauty of our God and His never giving up on us when we so easily give up on ourselves. You write beautifully. I am so full of joy in the knowing God restored you & your husband as well both inside & out. Continue to go forth in what God has called you to do. In the sharing of your stories (not only yours but your husbands as well) God will bring conviction, repentance, forgiveness, healing & restoration to others whom have been hiding behind their church mask while inside they are dying to come out of their sinful ways.
Be blessed and continue to write.
In His service & love,
Carolyn Irizarry
Sarah,
I am another person who is new to your blog. I just wanted to pause and take note of your story. Thank you so much for sharing. Your words are going to help someone who is in the same position~ I just know it. Thank you also, for being transparent and beautiful. Hugs
I Thank God for the grace and restoration of your marriage! Your story touches so closely to my heart. I was in a relationship where I was the one recieving the deception and the consequences of it has put me in the position of not trusting so easily. I am now married to a wonderful man but I have fear of the same thing happening again. I completely agree with setting hedges/boundaries of protection around ones marriage. The world we live makes it so easy to fall into sinful things..with ads, tv, movies, internet.
Your story helps me even more to make sure those boundaries are set in place. Thank you for your transparency and being open about your life story.
Oh my goodness Sarah! I just found your blog and can not even begin to describe how I feel. I have been there. I am not at the point to where I am able to share my story just yet but God is working on that. This really encourages me as I have been there and I have confessed and yet my husband has chosen to forgive me and we are rebuilding daily. You never wake up thinking today I will have an affair especially being a pastors wife. It did and it happened to me. Your story encourages me to begin writing mine down and to begin sharing what God can do to a broken marriage and how he can bring hope and new life to something so amazing. Thank you so much for sharing!
i believe that Allah (god) has his way of guiding us, and i believe that coming across this piece of story randomly was his way of helping me before i started anything wrong…i have been equally devasted in my marriage of 5 years …and since past few days all iv been thinking abt is deliberatly cheating not cause i want to but cause i am so mad at him and want to hurt him on purpose ,,,its like i m where u were 9 years back…thanks for saving the next 9 years or my life
Allah is indeed great and so are his ways!! 
thank you so much for commenting, mesh. i’m glad you were led here. welcome.
Sarah: i know where you come from, i have been tempting and letting those things happened to me as well, i haven’t had the courage to confess, i am so scared.. your story gives me hope so i may be redeem too.. Gold Bless you
Thank you for putting into words our journey. Your middle name is courage. I understand it ALL, each step. We have paralell marriages and thank you for sharing the raw truth. Only GOD can restore. He has for me and I am so very grateful he has for you…………..it takes such hard work but most importantly, faith and hope. Many blessings to you. I am cheering for your family and for OUR God.
Thank you Sarah for sharing your story. Made me cry, made me smile. God is good, ALL the time. Prayed for your family. May you continue to be a blessing and be blessed and enjoy our blessings. I have this song playing in my head – Something beautiful, something good, al my confusion He understood. All I had to offer HIm was brokeness and strife and He made something beautiful of my life.
Reading your story, I saw beauty.
Thanks again for telling your story of beauty.
Thankyou so much for your openness and honesty! The fact that you wrote your story out for all to read shows how humble you are! I don’t know if I could do the same! You have blessed me so much! Thankyou!
Thank you for our honesty. I know I’m coming late to the conversation, but I wanted to chime in as someone who has forgiven.
My husband cheated on me. I was so profoundly hurt; like to the core. However, I’m a pragmatic person and decided early on that I wouldn’t kick him out until our youngest was grown. Pretty cold, but that was all that I could do at the time. My decision gave me time to forgive, to accept that I was a part of his affair; that our relationship wasn’t right. It didn’t take very long. I’ve got to tell you, I obsessed over it for almost a year…then it lost it’s intrigue. I didn’t want to know every detail.
I have truly forgiven him. Honestly, it’s just gone; the anger, the hurt…gone. It’s got to be a God thing. Every once in a while I get insecure, but I bring it up before it turns into a monster and it’s dealt with.
I have rediscovered my best friend, my husband. I don’t know if I would have been jilted out of my coma of suburban wife/mother with a not-so-great marriage if I hadn’t been faced with our challenge. Not that I want to re-experience it, but I really can see the silver lining now.
And out of your whole story, I was really taken by the risk your friend took to save you. Pretty cool.
Sarah,
When I first read your story I have to admit I couldn’t understand why you would share all of your dirty laundry in a public arena.
Fast forward a year and I find myself in exactly your predicament. I am reading your story as if I wrote it myself. I’m praying for the strength to leave the relationship and fight for my marriage.
I know I was made for more than being the harlot. Know that God has used your story of triumph to offer me a glimpse of hope.
this is post has lots of emotions and I am blessed. Thanks for sharing your story. To God be the Glory!
All praise to Jesus! I’m so blessed by your testimony.
God led me to your blog, and I thank Him immensely. We have so much in common, and He gave you the right words to express how I am feeling. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us!
Thank you so much for your story! so much like ours yet somethings are not the same. I’m controlling and we have grown apart and it was my husband that had the affair. I want to work it through knowing God is in control and learning to change. my husband has not gotten his life back with God and has not hit rock bottom. I pray there is hope for us like there was for you guys! thanks so much for sharing your story.
I came across your website through Lindsey Nobles blog – I loved the way you wrote about her in the “About Me” section, so I thought I’d check out your blog. I love the way the Lord leads us into things we don’t expect. His leading me to your story was certainly unexpected at 2:30 am, but I’ll tell you I’m sitting here in tears over the amazing and glorious way Jesus’ love consumes those who desire to be consumed by it. The truth is that we are all ugly, dirty, and weak – I pray I never lose sight of my own pathetic sinfulness, my brokenness. For it is only in the recognition of our intense neediness for a Savior that we can truly begin to comprehend what salvation means. It’s ironic that intensity is the characteristic that in many ways seems to have played a part in hindering you in your former life, and now it seems as if it is helping set you free from your former self. You’ve chosen to seek the Lords will with intensity, and clearly you are blessed because of it. It’s a beautiful story Sarah. Thank you for your honesty and your courage to be honest. God is using your story to break down walls, open hearts, and bring people to the foot of the cross. Keep telling your story – may you be blessed.
I happened upon your blog today through a friend at church who has your button on her blog…I know it was a God thing. Unfortunately, I am a former adulterer too…I plan to blog about it someday. Thank you for sharing your story…your life so openly. It has ministered to me so much to 1) let go of the secrets and 2) be real. You are an awesome writer and I look forward to your book some day. God bless you!
Sarah –
I found your blog through A Deeper Story and I love your heart and desire to seek God through trials and human failure. I see warning signs in my marriage and I know God brought me here for a reason. He loves us. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Lindsey
thank you lindsey. so glad we found each other.
Your story fills me with so much hope…hope that my friend will soon see the folly of her ways, will repent, and will be RESTORED by the power of Jesus. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with your new name and pray for a FULL sealing on all that has been accomplished through your life.
Hello Sarah,
I’ve wanted to write you since the day a dear friend sent me to your blog. My story is almost identical to yours. My secret was unveiled on 12/28/2009. Although we have experienced a lot of healing, we are stuck in a place you wrote about as follows.
There were times when he wanted to know details of the actual affair. And I told him all he wanted to know. That eventually subsided because anything he asked and anything I told him tortured the both of us. Him because any more details just hurt him more during a time he was trying to heal, and me because I was trying to forget it all. Trying to remember details just brought up everything I was attempting to forget.
My husband is haunted by visions that he feels are probably worse than the reality. I have a really hard time talking about it as I really just want to forget and I see how much the details of the affair hurt him so much.
Any suggestions on how we can move past this place?
hey wendy, do you want to email me? i’d love to talk to you about this. sarah at sarahmarkley dot com
praise jesus.
thanks for sharing this beautiful story of redemption.
xo
(can’t wait to meet you at blog sugar!)
Thank you for your testimony. It is a powerful story of beautiful forgiveness. I am so thankful for the hope you express in your story.
This story rings so true for me. My story is about the same only difference is that my husband cheated on me as well. It happened about two years before I cheated on him. And from that affair a child was born, and I forgave him. Now, he is having a really hard time forgiving me. He wants to leave. How quick are men to just want to leave and not work on the marriage. I don’t know what to do..I want to keep my family. Thank you for your story.
Wow. Tears…heartbreak…amazement. I have not gone through what you and Chad have, but I felt the impact and cried the tears as I read. The forgiveness is what stands out…Chad’s for sure, but mostly Jesus’. And your healing while Christ brought beauty from ashes. I continue to be amazed at His capacity for love and forgiveness, and how he makes us new creatures in our darkest hours.
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Thank you. Simply, thank you.
Mercy and grace–God’s biggest gifts to us. I once would have read this story and been disgusted. But God has done a work in my heart over the past 7 years through my own set of trials. Now, I see you as just like me–we are two objects of His grace. The sin differs, but all sin separates; all sin needs the same grace. I came to you from Incourage and am glad I did. Marriages are worth saving–the world, our children could benefit from lives of forgiveness lived out in the open like this. Blessings to you.
I don’t know how ANYONE could hate you from reading this story. It’s incredible. Honest. Refreshing.
Incredible. Moving. Passionate.
Real.
Many blessings to you and the people who you will touch and heal with your story.
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