We live in Southern California.
Our yards aren’t the wide green pastures that grace the backs of houses across the midwestern and eastern states. Most of ours are painfully small.
But within the tiny yard behind our house are worlds to be created by my two girls. They slam open the screen door and escape to mini-universes of fairies and horses, unicorns and winged things. They are cocooned there.
If you can forgive the once-in-awhile bee that buzzes too closely, they are relatively safe. If they obey my rules, stay inside the yard and get along with each other, they will avoid any dangers that might befall them in the front yard.
And there are fences.
We moved into this house 6 years ago and when we did, the fences were already here. The community planners had decided that this particular lot deserved this much space and so that is what we paid for. They erected redwood fences in the back of our (tiny) property separating us from our neighbors. To the west, there is a specifically enthusiastic dog who barks all day long and is never walked. We think he is unemployed and looking for something to do: bark viciously at my girls. To the south is a steep hill leading down to the home behind us. If it weren’t for the fence, one or more of my toddlers would have taken a tumble years ago. To the east, our neighbor’s yard is so pristine and perfect that I would be a neglectful parent and homeowner if I ever let my daughters loose on his yard. I would worry what havoc they’d create inside rose gardens and babbling brooks.
There are “dangers” on all sides. Which is why we love fences and boundaries. It keeps us safe.
And boundaries in marriage are so important.
Last week I mentioned our new boundaries in marriage. (and if you haven’t read my story from last week yet, please do). Some of you asked what those boundaries are and to be honest, I don’t think our new fences are any different than many solidly married couples. With the help of our pastoral counselors and our marital therapist (and just plain what-works thinking) we came up with the following boundaries.
1. I am never alone with men. Ever. This is both for trust issues (I want to always be above reproach) and for practical reasons as well. Although I am convinced I will never cheat again (ever) I am also aware that I must begin by never placing myself in a situation where it would be an option. And he is never alone with women. Because of his job, he occasionally has to meet or talk with women at his client sites, but he doesn’t go out to lunch or coffee with them. He is as careful as I am. And this also includes email, twitter DMs and Facebook conversations.
2. We do not have emotional attachments/relationships with members of the opposite gender. This includes even working closely with someone of the opposite gender. We do not make it a habit of spending one-on-one time in conversation either on the phone or at church or work beyond what is necessary. We do not have “friends” with members of the opposite sex. We have a lot of couple friends, but it is always to a degree that is healthy for all people concerned. Chad usually chats with the husband and I talk with the wife. Or the four of us talk together. And in a ministry capacity as well, we do not think it’s healthy for us to work closely connected with someone of the opposite gender. It just breeds closeness that should be reserved for spouses.
3. We are mindful of what we watch. This is simple. We used to watch junk on TV and in film. Now we are very careful of what we bring into our home and what we put into our minds.
4 We tell each other everything. I tell it all. If I’m feeling like I know I’m heading for depression or that I don’t feel quite right about someone he’s met, I tell him. He tells me exactly what he thinks, because there’s just nothing to keep secret anymore.
5. We know each other’s passwords to everything. He can check my email account or my facebook page any time he wants. I have nothing to hide from him, and it feels amazing.
6. We have the power of veto. When all is said and done, we don’t need a valid “reason” to veto a relationship or an activity in the other’s life. If there’s something that just doesn’t feel right, we say so and the other submits to that. We use it sparingly because of the trust we have in each other.
And remember, these all are layered on top of a loving marriage relationship in which we both are following Christ and listening to the Holy Spirit in our lives. The trust we have in each other is NOT in the person but in Jesus in them. I trust Jesus in Chad that he will never commit adultery and he trusts Jesus in me that I will remain faithful to him.
It’s so much safer inside the fenced yard than outside it. But even inside the boundaries, I am watchful all the time.
What do you think? Are your boundaries any different?
This is wisdom, pure and simple. And sure, it’s not exactly the same boundaries for us. But we definitely adhere to 3-5. I am sometimes alone with women, but I prefer not to be for accountability reasons. We definitely have some cross-gender friendships, etc…but it’s we both have them, not one of the other.
It’s knowing each other, and keeping each other in check with God. Being completely open is just vital.
That makes perfect sense. I watched your video the other day but I didn’t have a chance to comment. It made your whole experience seem so much more real. Sometimes the faces behind blogs are almost like celebrities because I know a bit about them but I don’t know how they move or the sound of their voices. Watching the video made you a real person and also made your story that much more powerful. Thank you again for sharing. Your experience has really made me value my marriage even more than I did.
I agree with some of these things,,,, but not all.
You have to realize why they have these rules.. Because she got her self into troubles, and as a result these rules were developed. Just like talking on the cell phone while driving, these laws were not around until someone got into a crash.
I believe that there are healthy boundaries between couple and built of trust. When someone breaks the trust, then there is a responsibility on that person to restore it and as a result there are rules to follow.
In order to build trust, there must be boundaries, and space. With no boundaries, there is not need for trust since there is no unknown.
That is it, my 2 cents./
m & j @ zcouple.com
I agree with ALL of these boundaries. It is so easy to fall into temptation and allowing yourself a little room is asking for disaster. I have a great Christian friend who at the time of my affair expressed to me that she would NEVER have an affair. If her husband had one she said she would divorce him immediately, no questions asked. Now five years later, she is involved deeply in an emotional affair headed toward it becoming physical.
Mine and my husbands boundaries are the same except passwords. They are readily available upon asking. I would tell him at any moment and give him complete access and vice versa.
Also, I just have to say that the conversations alone with the opposite sex via email, twitter, facebook…I completely agree with. Should NOT happen.
Such good advice; what I love is that this is what works for you. Every couple should take a look at their needs and the needs of their spouse. What I need may not be what my husband needs but we do it for each other because we love and respect each other to give that to them. Love does that.
My husband travels a lot for business. We talk a great deal about the temptations he faces on the road. (Sometimes I think those of us who stay home with kids are naive to what assaults our spouses~even without their seeking it out) My husband gives me an agenda of his days when he travels. I didn’t ask for this, he just does it. I know where he is staying, who his meetings are with, etc. Because his days are full when he travels he goes back to the room early when he can. No rental movies, etc. He knows when I have meetings for volunteer activities and at church.
There is a lot of freedom within the fence…it’s a great place to dance
Continued blessings to you both…
My husband & I don’t “technically” have boundaries, but we do share all & tell all. And the password thing really resonates with me – we both have a password that, with a little judicious editing, works with everything that needs a password. So, we essentially know each other’s password – and have used them – not to “check up on” the other, but like this: my hubby needed to buy something on ebay, & didn’t have an acct., so he used mine.
The knowledge is very freeing – it builds trust, because we know that we’re open to inspection at all times. The only time it could be a “problem” is at Christmas or anniversaries – I can’t let myself check on certain things, or I’d ruin a surprise! (but I can deal with that)
You guys are doing great!
I am so blessed to read about your boundaries! I totally agree with all of them and these are the same ones my husband and i live by.
As far as the passwords, we also know each other’s passwords but try to never check each other’s email unless we absolutely need to because we both receive confidential emails from others. But the option is there if needed.
When we were first married, my husband was the once to implement the (seemingly) “strict” boundary that we were never to be alone with a member of the opposite sex. That really frustrated me at first just because I was so comfortable around males and I didn’t see a problem. But as I constantly checked my heart I realized that for one, I needed to submit to my husband and two, only good could come from his boundary. The more I submitted to the boundary of not having opposite sex friendships and not being along with males, the more my eyes were opened to the wisdom of those boundaries. I now “own” these boundaries just as much as my husband.
Many people do not understand these boundaries and are often annoyed by our “stufiness.” We try to be as graceful about it as possible but we know we have to do what is best for our marriage above all else.
We recently have become friends with an amazing couple and one of the first things I noticed about them was there obvious boundaries towards the opposite sex. and it so freeing to be around them because there are no misunderstanding about the boundaries…it just works.
It is so wonderful to read from those that live by those same boundaries as well! Thanks for this post!
about opposite gendered relationships, in my opinion it’s really better safe than sorry. and i think that goes for both of us. everyone is fallible.
regarding passwords, let me clarify: we don’t check each other’s email. or voicemail. but our accounts are open books to the other person if needed.
These are the kinds of boundaries I’ve been wanting in my marriage. My husband hasn’t been as open to it as I’ve wanted. Perhaps I’ll share your story with him, and maybe it’ll help him see what I have been trying to do.
It’s funny. This reminds me of something I recently wrote on my blog about freedom in Christ. Someone asked me how someone would follow a bunch of rules from an old book – how that’s freedom. I didn’t know what to say, but later that post came out of it. That’s the same thing you’re showing here. There’s freedom within these boundaries. If you go outside these boundaries, there’s danger, worry, and all sorts of things. You are FREE from ALL of that if you stay within your boundaries.
My husband and I have a lot of the same boundaries. Many of them are unspoken and many of them were things that had to be resolved before we got married. I had a lot of guy friends. And by a lot, I mean the majority of my good friends were guys. They are adventurous as I am and a lot of girls don’t seek the thrill like guys do. Therefore, I gravitated towards guys. When I met my husband we were just friends like I was with every other guy. When we moved on to dating and then seriously dating, I had to cut off my friendships with other guys. It was difficult but SO beneficial.
We also have the password thing. We have one password that we primarily use for everything. It helps with accountability. Even if we rarely check one anothers, we can. This helps keep away from the temptation of sending any messages that may be harmful to our marriage in any way.
Thanks for sharing all of this. It’s such an eye-opening experience to hear, first-hand, the effects that small things can have on a marriage.
This is a great post. I agree with all of your boundaries.
Just this past weekend my husband played in a co-ed sporting event and it was very hard for me. Even though I was there to watch. After it was done that day we talked about how next time we will participate together.
Thanks for this post!
I elaborated on this idea, or looked at it in a deeper manner here: http://aratus.typepad.com/tma/2009/06/the-mark.html
Those who have been preyed upon in the past, particularly those who experienced sexual abuse, have a lot of boundary issues. And sometimes victims feel they have a “mark” on them for further prey.
My solution in my own life was to throw myself before the Lord, to ask Him to heal those deeply broken places. My desire for attention was a cry for God’s filling, ultimately.
My husband and I have some of the same boundaries you do, but not all. I tell him EVERYTHING, and I always give him veto power about any interactions I have with other men. (Work-related, friendship, ministry, etc.) Part of my reasoning is out of respect for him and wanting to safeguard my own heart, but I also feel it’s only fair for me to be completely open and honest when I expect the same from him.
Thank you for sharing your boundaries, Sarah. It’s one thing to say you have them; it’s another to lay them out here for us to read.
People may think they don’t need the same boundaries as you and your husband do, but they would be wise to learn from others mistakes. Don’t say you won’t ever do something because that is simply not true. You must take some precautions to help keep yourself from falling into temptaion sometimes. Even though I have not been in your exact situation, I have had my own addictions and sins. I have learned from them and have set boundaries for myself to keep from being in bondage to those addictions again. I never, ever want to repeat my mistakes but I must take responsibility for my past, present, and future. Satan only needs to see a small weakness and he will begin to try and destroy you bit by bit. You will never see him coming if you aren’t on the lookout. Be on the offensive first and you will not have to waste so much energy being defensive when trouble comes your way. Thank you, Sarah, for your faithfulness and your advice. God is an inspiration through you and your husband.
These are the EXACT boundaries that we set up for our marriage 5 years ago (even down to using the word “veto”!). My first marriage ended for several reasons, one major one was the lack of boundaries. This time, I wasn’t messing around. I READ “Every Man’s Battle” and was astounded at what I learned. I have walked alongside my husband in total support of him as a wife to encourage, to listen… and to let him know when he needs to take his struggles to another Godly man for counsel. I know that the danger signs in marriage are when we THINK we are OK. When we actually believe we are strong enough to handle it all on our own and when we deny that we are ALL capable of falling down that slippery slope of sin. In our boundaries, we have been ridiculed (by fellow Christ-followers) and had people roll their eyes at us. But, there is SO MUCH FREEDOM in our boundaries! There is freedom to love, to know, to be known, to love others in ministry together. What God has created in marriage is beyond fabulous and we earnestly seek to take care of this gift we have received from God. Thank you for sharing your story Sarah:) Jesus is our Redeemer!
“Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps His covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes His unfailing love on those who love Him and obey His commands.” ~Deuteronomy 7?9
Wonderful list. My husband and I have a similar, although unspoken, list between ourselves. We tell each other everything, we know each other’s passwords (neither one of us have anything to hide, so no need for secrecy), we introduce each other to our friends and especially to any opposite-gender friends, just in case. We try not to be alone with folks of the opposite gender, unless absolutely necessary. Communication really is vital here.
One of the best hints came from one of our pastors and his wife… they both are rather good-looking people (especially the wife) and they have a policy that if either of them ever get flirtatious comments by friends, strangers, or otherwise, they always tell each other. It keeps them accountable to each other and they are able to help each other when dealing with social situations with those people.
Sarah, I have read your story and I so appreciate your willingness to be honest and REAL (its refreshing in a world where most people try to fake everything and give a fasle impression of perfection). I totally agree with ALL of the boundaries you have set in your marriage…..if everyone kept those boundaries, there would be great decline in the divorce rate…..not to mention, I think they are all very Biblical in the sense that God created marriage to be between one man and one woman – no need to risk breaching trust by bringing other parties into that holy union……… I think we all know that what we watch on TV/film impacts our thoughts and relationships – the Bible tells us to think on things that are pure and holy – I daresay there is little that is pure and holy on TV these days………I think you guys are on the right track – not that you need my approval, but I think you have given people great and Godly advice.
Our boundaries are similar to yours I think. I think we’re probably a little more relaxed about the first one – although almost all our socialising included both of us or is girl’s night/boys night style. Occasionally we are probably alone with members of the opposite gender but not by arrangement – sometimes it simply happens that way.
Sarah you are right on!!! I think you’re story will save marriages and call out a lot of “compromises” people think are innocent. When you enter into a marriage your life is not your own, you become one. Your vows of “I do” enters you into a lifetime relationship of an open book. Boundaries vary, but should only do so on a very small scale. Before I was married I had countless friendships that got too close emotionally. I thought “holding hands” was when a relationship started. Boy was I wrong, and I hurt a lot of close friends. I am so thankful for those experiences, because they taught me a valuable lesson. It’s not holding hands that get you into trouble it’s holding hearts. A heart that is meant for your husband alone.
Boundaries are so important, and I think it’s too easy to go into marriage thinking “that will never happen to me”, and let your guard down. “It” can happen to ANYONE! It’s a true slap in the face of reality to learn that the hard way.
It’s comforting to know that the unofficial rules we have are very similar to the ones you have listed, being devised with counselors and therapists, while we came up with ours on our own. A sign that hopefully we are on the right track.
Thanks for your story. It’s the grace of God, the hope, the healing, the element of restoration, regardless of “the story”, that are so touching to me. That we have forgiveness. Humbling. And if the story hasn’t been enough, the comments have also knocked my socks off. Hearing words of encouragement, then anguish. My heart swells, then breaks, comment to comment. We never know just how God will use us. Thanks for allowing Him to use you.
Those boundaries are very wise. I think one of the most important things for me and my husband after our trial (aside from not being alone with the opposite sex) was coming to a place where we knew it was okay and in fact NEEDED to tell everything. We used to have these strange lines that we didn’t cross with work-related stuff or feelings we didn’t want to burden each other with. The freedom of total transparency is huge. I feel so much more trust in him knowing he hides NOTHING from me now! As you said that is all a result from abiding in Christ!
Every marriage should have these boundaries!
Excellent! I love the analogy with the backyard. Going outside the fence, where there are no boundaries, can be a dangerous thing if there is no one there to rescue you, too, when you need it. But, thanks for sharing and thank your husband, too, for his willingness to share his side, too. God bless you.
I think the boundaries you have are phenomenal. We’re working on them in our marriage actually, mostly the sharing everything part. It’s a work in progress!
Thank you for sharing your story. There was a time when I may have been a bit too emotionally attached to someone I know (one of those “work spouse” issues) – but it passed. Do I worry about my husband hanging out with too many women at work? Not usually. There isn’t anything that can be done about it. Would I think it odd if he started chatting on the phone with some female “friend?” Absolutely. We definitely don’t get that close to people of the opposite sex. Passwords are available – not that we check up on one another, but sure – what’s the problem in that? We aren’t secret-keepers here. Something is wrong if you’re keeping a secret – especially from your spouse.
Your story is inspiring. So well-told!
Yep. I completely agree. I know neither of us would cheat but it’s nice to know that neither of us will never even be tempted. We both know all of each other’s password but I don’t think either of us check up on the other. Just the occassional phone call on the road “Hey can you open my email and give me so-and-so’s phone number.” And I like that we are comfortable with that.
awesome word picture…your fenced back yard.
your boundaries are right on!
thanks for sharing
We share a lot of these with you, but not all of them. We very much adhere to 4-6, which for us works well in being healthy in 1-3.
I admire you so much and think I have always been complimentary in my comments. Knowing that – I hope I don’t offend you in saying that so many boundaries seem overboard to me. I am not judging what works for you, but like everything you write, I want to apply it to my own life. You are such a role model to me for many reasons. I just don’t know if I can go there. My husband and I are both from divorced families and have no clear role models of solid, successful couples. We are learning as we go. Don’t you ever feel stifled or lost in the swirl of only existing as a couple?
Again, not judging you and Chad. I am just trying to understand if I can really make it work for my marriage. It is the thing that means the most to me in the world, but I am working hard to take care of me, too. How do you balance that?
Hi Kim! I just read your comment/question and figure I would chime in.
Here is the thing. We as the jacked up, messed up, screwed up Human Race walk into this world with a number of things working against us. One of those things is an insane gravitational pull to doing what pains Gods heart. Because of this predisposition, we simply need to be aware of what situation and places we put ourselves into.
OUR boundaries are the result of much thought, prayer and wise counsel. We made some INSANE mistakes and NEVER put thought or prayer into the friends and relationships we chose to make and foster. Because of our laxed approach, we found ourselves (each individually and together) with a number of emotional and/or physical “outlets” in other people. In this we bypassed the God given emotional and physical outlet of our marriage. To put it simply, we stopped fighting the “rip tide” of the World and let ourselves drift into what was not intended for us by God.
You need to make the call for yourself and your marriage. But with each of you coming from a divorce, you know all too well the deck is stacked against you from the beginning. We are willing to do WHATEVER is necessary, in accordance with Scripture, to preserve, maintain and protect the God given relationship and stewardship He has blessed us with.
I hope that sheds some light on the boundaries we have drawn and choices we daily make.
Readers and support team…..we love you guys so much!!!
I’m all about boundaries and having them to allow couple to remain in real, alive marriage which are life giving. However, just thought I’d give you some feedback from the other side…I am a single woman, not by choice, but because of a man who chose to look elsewhere. I know how it hurts to be left behind after an adulterous relationship–I would never do that to another.
When couples have strict behavioral boundaries like the ones you describe, it seriously limits friendship and conversation with the opposite gender. It feels then like I, as a single woman, am destined to relate only to women. Your boundaries imply that women largely hang out with women, or couples hang out with couples. It implies that if men would engage in any sort of friendship with me, I could or would tempt them to a relationship of sin. I most definitely do not want an inappropriate relationship with a married man–that would violate my own core values at a soul level. However, I value conversations and appropriate relationships with both genders.
While I totally affirm you for setting boundaries which are healthy and feel necessary for you, I would question whether all couples need to draw the lines exactly as you do. Is it possible for some couples to commit oneself to transparency with one’s spouse, integrity, and purity without restricting healthy conversations with the other gender?
Can there be room, even in writing about healthy boundaries, that allows that singles exist and can be included in a healthy way in the social circles of couples?
Just my thoughts. Thanx.
Marie: the boundaries I wrote about above are for my husband and me only as married people. I wouldn’t assume they would at all apply to singles. I hope it didn’t seem as if I was writing about singlehood. I was clearly refering to my boundaries as a married woman.
I came across your blog as you started posting your story. I truly admired your honesty and ability to share so openly. I hate to be the only one here who doesn’t agree with these boundaries, but I guess I am. I suppose the fact that it works for both you and your husband is wonderful, and indeed these are your decisions to make. However, I cannot imagine a world so limited. My life is so enriched by every friend and acquaintance that I make, regardless of gender. I have male friends that I have had forever, and I cannot imagine not being close to them. I am in a committed relationship, my ability to remain faithful is not a challenge. My friendships are founded in the same honesty and respect as my romantic ones. My intentions are clear from the beginning and my male friends respect both my partner and our relationship.
As for living inside fences, I guess the same rationale applies. Life is enriched by facing the unknown, conquering challenges, and constantly exploring uncharted territory. I feel like placing these boundaries on a relationship seems so stifling, and remote.
Like I have said above, I am not judging, nor criticizing, but perhaps you may be able to help me understand why; In order to love one you feel the need to exclude all others. (Understandibly in the romantic sense, but I’m confused at the platonic level)
Sorry, I guess that was quite a rant.
Thank you for sharing your story. I found your blog last week, and was very moved by your story of sin, repentance, and forgiveness. What a beautiful ending your story has…your husband’s love and forgiveness is such a good reflection of what God does for each of us every time we fall.
I agree completely with the need for boundaries in a healthy marriage. When my husband and I were first dating, a female friend of his family suddenly started striking up a friendship with him, taking him out to lunch and asking for rides to church…but only on Wednesday nights when I was working. When I finally met her, I was convinced she was after him! The thing is, even though he was not interested in her romantically, he started talking to her about problems in OUR relationship…and that nearly tore us apart. Once he saw what was being directly caused by this friendship, we set up boundaries even in our dating relationship that became stricter once we tied the knot. I have thought of that woman with bitterness until yesterday when I read this post…and realized how her attempts to drive a wedge between us really made us stronger as a couple! Now I’m thankful that we had to deal with that situation so early on because it has saved us so much potential trouble later.
Thank you again for your courage in sharing your story. I love it when Christians drop the mask of perfection and show the imperfections…allowing others to see the depths from which God has rescued us only brings more glory to Him. Praise God!
i have been moved by your transparency during this past week, and so blessed that you give all the credit of redemption to Whom it belongs. it is so encouraging to see something broken be restored. i love that you & chad are teaming up on this- and he’s walking through this with you– how else could you have the strength?!
i also admire that you painted such a beautiful picture of the freedom that boundaries give us in marriage. my marriage is built on the same standards, and i wouldn’t have it any other way. thank you so much for opening your heart and your story- even at the risk of criticism and judgement- just for the sake of others.
i have been moved by your transparency during this past week, and so blessed that you give all the credit of redemption to Whom it belongs. it is so encouraging to see something broken be restored. i love that you & chad are teaming up on this- and he’s walking through this with you– how else could you have the strength?!
i also admire that you painted such a beautiful picture of the freedom that boundaries give us in marriage. my marriage is built on the same standards, and i wouldn’t have it any other way. thank you so much for opening your heart and your story- even at the risk of criticism and judgement- just for the sake of others.
Thank you for sharing your story, I’ve been eagerly following along this past week. I like this post a lot and it caused a discussion with my husband and I about our boundaries, which were largely unspoken, but I’m glad that they are agreed upon between us now.
Here’s a boundary that’s worth mentioning: a married person should always wear their wedding ring! I know many married couples where either one or both people don’t wear their wedding rings. It sends out a confusing message to the world, and maybe would invite other people to tempt them, not knowing that they are married. Ex. a man may see an interesting woman in a store, and not seeing her wedding ring, he may assume she’s single or divorced, strike up a conversation, and maybe tempt her to stray.
If your wedding ring doesn’t fit anymore, get it resized! It won’t cost that much money. If you’ve misplaced your wedding ring, get a new one, have it blessed, recite your vows, and put it on! A wedding ring is a visual statement to the world that belong to your spouse, legally and morally.
I like what Courtney says…as a single woman who enjoys the company of people, it feels lonely to think that many couples would choose to have boundaries set up in such a way so that even conversation with others is limited…boundaries impact others. While boundaries are necessary and healthy for a solid marriage, reserving a special place only for spouses, do they need to prohibit conversation between genders. The implication is that others potentially predators on your spouse. While there are people that allow themselves to fall into illicit relationships, I do not want to steal anybody’s husband or have them sin. Guard your hearts, and the most vital relationship of your life certainly–but in a way that empowers all of God’s people to live full lives. Can boundaries not be set as Courtney suggests which limit relationship with the opposite gender to ones which are respectful and appropriate, rather than virtually eliminating them?
I say this not to discourage or judge–frankly, Sarah, I hugely admire your commitment to your marriage, the intense work you’ve done, and the deliberateness with which you move forward into maintaining this lifelong relationship. Thank you for sharing your story with others–this is a story of healing and restoration that our world needs to hear!
Marie and others,
If you re-read what I wrote about being alone with opposite gendered people, I didn’t say that we don’t have conversations with them. That would be absolutely impossible and unnecessary. What I meant, and I think said, was that I don’t have lunch, coffee, etc with men. I don’t have emotionally based phone conversations with men. I don’t call men when I need encouragement or are feeling down. Of course I have conversations with men. But I don’t do it behind closed doors or with intention to promote deep relationship outside of what is appropriate.
I think other people have said this, but from experience, I am absolutely convinced that Satan is out to kill our families, destroy our marriages and he will use any means necessary.
You don’t have to agree with me. But try to understand what I meant.
I think the boundaries that have worked for you are great! My husband and I (thankfully) haven’t walked the path you two have yet we still have some basic boundaries and we are open and honest with each other about everything. I come from divorced parents ( I was nearly 18 when they split) and I truly feel it has made me work harder on my own marriage from the beginning- so as to avoid that trouble in my own life.
I feel that any married couple, or any couple at all, that does not have explicit boundaries in their marriage is asking for trouble.
I am a single woman of 32. I have boundaries with the married men in my life because I believe it is important to be absolutely above reproach. According to the Word of God, even the appearance that something could be going on is still sin.
Thank you for your story. It only strengthens my position on the boundaries we have around our marriage. Some people think we’re strange, but we don’t care.
We surround our marriage with boundaries to protect the most precious and sacred life we have together. IT keeps the bad thing out. In contrast, We have no boundaries w/in our marriage: Between the two of us, EVERYTHING is “fair game.”
My husband is a soldier, and with that comes a unique set of circumstances. When he is around his away, he spends all of his time with his Army buddies. Some of these guys share the most intimate parts of their relationships with women weather it be wife, girlfriend, or fling. They always try to goad my husband in to sharing me too. He refuses to share me and laugh at me with them. I cannot even express how much that increases my love and respect for him. He protects me and keeps our intimacy sacred.
Another unique circumstance is occasionally being around female soldiers w/ no conscience. On several occasions, said females (knowing full well he’s married) have approached my husband with inappropriate “closeness.” His response is to abruptly walk away w/ no apology or explanation, leaving them in awkward shock.
We don’t allow ourselves to be alone w/ members of the opposite sex. But, as and Army wife, we are frequently apart for months at a time. This makes it much more challenging to avoid being alone with man on occasion. As often as is possible, I schedule repairs, utility house calls, and stop-by’s so they coincide with play dates at my house. If that’s absolutely not possible, I keep it brief and to the point and have my 4yr old daughter with me. I open all the blinds in my house, and prop the front door open. I probably look like a lunatic, but I don’t care. I love my husband and our marriage more than what others think.
I must preface this with saying that I love that you admit to being human… and ultimately this is what these boundaries are about. But there is also this underlying trust thing lurking just below the surface that really feels wrong on terms of what a marriage should be based on. If we could take all of the jealousy, insecurity and mistrust out of a relationship then I suppose life would be perfect. It much easier to look for excuses to do the wrong thing than actually doing what is right. I know, I have been the guy who has broken that trust in my marriage- to what degree I did so is a matter of disagreement between my wife and I but I don’t think it matters really- a little, a lot…. Any is still breaking trust. And you never get that trust back again really- ever. So you see, I know about fences. But the question not answered is why and what was lacking to even begin that process. I am not so sure that matters either. In each instance the end result was pain and hurt and the absence of love. The point I am trying to make here is that a relationship means do much more when there is true love and absolute trust. No matter how high the fence, there is always a way to look over it. If we have to place so many counter checks in place to make our partner sure that we are faithful, then do we really trust each other to begin with. And is it really a full relationship with absolute commitment?
Agree with all above boundaries. Your story, Sarah, has helped me more than you can ever imagine. Thank you for being honest and open about your sin and your redemption. We have two boundaries in addition to those included above: 1) We have installed Covenant Eyes on computers/cells, and 2) We go to bed together. No one is up alone during the late hours. Darkness seems to breed temptation, and it was just something that we needed to decide as a couple that we wouldn’t let happen anymore. Some nights that means needing to stay awake longer so hubby can study, and some nights it means someone going to bed earlier if the other is tired. It’s all about sacrifice for the good of our marriage.
In response to the above reply, I wish that we had had more boundaries in place before trust was broken. Not because we didn’t trust each other, but so that we could guard ourselves against the methods of Satan. For us, there was definitely something lacking. And what was lacking truly did matter. A spouse can do and be everything right and perfect, but a spouse cannot fulfill what is missing if God is not in His rightful place. Our boundaries now? Not because we don’t trust each other, but because we are acutely aware of what we are capable of, what every person in the world is capable of, without accountability. Matthew 26:41 says to watch and pray so that you will not fall into tempation…the spirit is willing, but the body is weak. The watching, to me, is the setting of boundaries.
Sarah, again I can not thank you enough for your trust in God to give you courage to share your story. It was a lifeline of hope to me when I most needed it.
Obviously, this post is really old, but I felt like i had to comment. I agree with all these boundaries, except the opposite sex one. My best friend since I was thirteen is a guy (well, now a man). I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t at this point seek out and cultivate a relationship of this level with someone of the opposite sex, but I also didn’t see a need erase the years of history I have with this friend. To say we are emotionally close would not be incorrect. When we were in college- I was dating my husband and he went to a different school- this friend and I shared meals, prayed together, and just in general were very close. He was in my wedding, is the godfather of our daughter, and is now a dear, dear friend of my husband. We still talk on the phone, email, ect. I will say I feel somewhat “protected” in the relationship by the fact that I am in NO way physically attracted to him and I’m confident he feels the same way. We kissed once when we were fifteen and both kind of gagged over it. Anyway, I just wanted to share another perspective., for whatever it’s worth.