Comments on: Boundaries: Backyard Version

By: Christopher Rondholz

Christopher Rondholz — Tue, 10 May 2011 22:57:07 +0000

I must preface this with saying that I love that you admit to being human… and ultimately this is what these boundaries are about. But there is also this underlying trust thing lurking just below the surface that really feels wrong on terms of what a marriage should be based on. If we could take all of the jealousy, insecurity and mistrust out of a relationship then I suppose life would be perfect. It much easier to look for excuses to do the wrong thing than actually doing what is right. I know, I have been the guy who has broken that trust in my marriage- to what degree I did so is a matter of disagreement between my wife and I but I don’t think it matters really- a little, a lot…. Any is still breaking trust. And you never get that trust back again really- ever. So you see, I know about fences. But the question not answered is why and what was lacking to even begin that process. I am not so sure that matters either. In each instance the end result was pain and hurt and the absence of love. The point I am trying to make here is that a relationship means do much more when there is true love and absolute trust. No matter how high the fence, there is always a way to look over it. If we have to place so many counter checks in place to make our partner sure that we are faithful, then do we really trust each other to begin with. And is it really a full relationship with absolute commitment?

By: Gina

Gina — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 05:21:20 +0000

Thank you for your story. It only strengthens my position on the boundaries we have around our marriage. Some people think we’re strange, but we don’t care.
We surround our marriage with boundaries to protect the most precious and sacred life we have together. IT keeps the bad thing out. In contrast, We have no boundaries w/in our marriage: Between the two of us, EVERYTHING is “fair game.”

My husband is a soldier, and with that comes a unique set of circumstances. When he is around his away, he spends all of his time with his Army buddies. Some of these guys share the most intimate parts of their relationships with women weather it be wife, girlfriend, or fling. They always try to goad my husband in to sharing me too. He refuses to share me and laugh at me with them. I cannot even express how much that increases my love and respect for him. He protects me and keeps our intimacy sacred.
Another unique circumstance is occasionally being around female soldiers w/ no conscience. On several occasions, said females (knowing full well he’s married) have approached my husband with inappropriate “closeness.” His response is to abruptly walk away w/ no apology or explanation, leaving them in awkward shock.

We don’t allow ourselves to be alone w/ members of the opposite sex. But, as and Army wife, we are frequently apart for months at a time. This makes it much more challenging to avoid being alone with man on occasion. As often as is possible, I schedule repairs, utility house calls, and stop-by’s so they coincide with play dates at my house. If that’s absolutely not possible, I keep it brief and to the point and have my 4yr old daughter with me. I open all the blinds in my house, and prop the front door open. I probably look like a lunatic, but I don’t care. I love my husband and our marriage more than what others think.

By: christina joy

christina joy — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 17:40:05 +0000

I feel that any married couple, or any couple at all, that does not have explicit boundaries in their marriage is asking for trouble.

I am a single woman of 32. I have boundaries with the married men in my life because I believe it is important to be absolutely above reproach. According to the Word of God, even the appearance that something could be going on is still sin.

By: becca

becca — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 03:26:24 +0000

I think the boundaries that have worked for you are great! My husband and I (thankfully) haven’t walked the path you two have yet we still have some basic boundaries and we are open and honest with each other about everything. I come from divorced parents ( I was nearly 18 when they split) and I truly feel it has made me work harder on my own marriage from the beginning- so as to avoid that trouble in my own life.

By: Sarah Markley

Sarah Markley — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:00:28 +0000

Marie and others,

If you re-read what I wrote about being alone with opposite gendered people, I didn’t say that we don’t have conversations with them. That would be absolutely impossible and unnecessary. What I meant, and I think said, was that I don’t have lunch, coffee, etc with men. I don’t have emotionally based phone conversations with men. I don’t call men when I need encouragement or are feeling down. Of course I have conversations with men. But I don’t do it behind closed doors or with intention to promote deep relationship outside of what is appropriate.

I think other people have said this, but from experience, I am absolutely convinced that Satan is out to kill our families, destroy our marriages and he will use any means necessary.

You don’t have to agree with me. But try to understand what I meant.

By: marie

marie — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 01:48:50 +0000

I like what Courtney says…as a single woman who enjoys the company of people, it feels lonely to think that many couples would choose to have boundaries set up in such a way so that even conversation with others is limited…boundaries impact others. While boundaries are necessary and healthy for a solid marriage, reserving a special place only for spouses, do they need to prohibit conversation between genders. The implication is that others potentially predators on your spouse. While there are people that allow themselves to fall into illicit relationships, I do not want to steal anybody’s husband or have them sin. Guard your hearts, and the most vital relationship of your life certainly–but in a way that empowers all of God’s people to live full lives. Can boundaries not be set as Courtney suggests which limit relationship with the opposite gender to ones which are respectful and appropriate, rather than virtually eliminating them?

I say this not to discourage or judge–frankly, Sarah, I hugely admire your commitment to your marriage, the intense work you’ve done, and the deliberateness with which you move forward into maintaining this lifelong relationship. Thank you for sharing your story with others–this is a story of healing and restoration that our world needs to hear!

By: Suzanne

Suzanne — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:50:53 +0000

Thank you for sharing your story, I’ve been eagerly following along this past week. I like this post a lot and it caused a discussion with my husband and I about our boundaries, which were largely unspoken, but I’m glad that they are agreed upon between us now.

Here’s a boundary that’s worth mentioning: a married person should always wear their wedding ring! I know many married couples where either one or both people don’t wear their wedding rings. It sends out a confusing message to the world, and maybe would invite other people to tempt them, not knowing that they are married. Ex. a man may see an interesting woman in a store, and not seeing her wedding ring, he may assume she’s single or divorced, strike up a conversation, and maybe tempt her to stray.

If your wedding ring doesn’t fit anymore, get it resized! It won’t cost that much money. If you’ve misplaced your wedding ring, get a new one, have it blessed, recite your vows, and put it on! A wedding ring is a visual statement to the world that belong to your spouse, legally and morally.

By: Tori

Tori — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:17:04 +0000

i have been moved by your transparency during this past week, and so blessed that you give all the credit of redemption to Whom it belongs. it is so encouraging to see something broken be restored. i love that you & chad are teaming up on this- and he’s walking through this with you– how else could you have the strength?!

i also admire that you painted such a beautiful picture of the freedom that boundaries give us in marriage. my marriage is built on the same standards, and i wouldn’t have it any other way. thank you so much for opening your heart and your story- even at the risk of criticism and judgement- just for the sake of others.

By: Tori

Tori — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:15:53 +0000

By: Erin

Erin — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:17:39 +0000

Thank you for sharing your story. I found your blog last week, and was very moved by your story of sin, repentance, and forgiveness. What a beautiful ending your story has…your husband’s love and forgiveness is such a good reflection of what God does for each of us every time we fall.

I agree completely with the need for boundaries in a healthy marriage. When my husband and I were first dating, a female friend of his family suddenly started striking up a friendship with him, taking him out to lunch and asking for rides to church…but only on Wednesday nights when I was working. When I finally met her, I was convinced she was after him! The thing is, even though he was not interested in her romantically, he started talking to her about problems in OUR relationship…and that nearly tore us apart. Once he saw what was being directly caused by this friendship, we set up boundaries even in our dating relationship that became stricter once we tied the knot. I have thought of that woman with bitterness until yesterday when I read this post…and realized how her attempts to drive a wedge between us really made us stronger as a couple! Now I’m thankful that we had to deal with that situation so early on because it has saved us so much potential trouble later.

Thank you again for your courage in sharing your story. I love it when Christians drop the mask of perfection and show the imperfections…allowing others to see the depths from which God has rescued us only brings more glory to Him. Praise God!