Healing takes time.
I’m currently seeing a chiropractor for this crazy neck thing that I have. He keeps saying that I have an old injury in my shoulder/neck that is causing me this pain almost 15 years later. I thought and thought and I remembered that I had injured myself skiing when I was about 20. Incidentally, that was the first and last time I skiied.
But the remnants of that shoulder injury are still here giving me the range of motion of a 90-year-old woman. It might take a long time to be free from it.
Healing from my affair took time also. In some respects, much of the triage, stitch-up-the-jugular vein healing took place quickly: within the first six months. But I think some of the healing takes place over time, bubbling with purpose under the surfaces of date nights, family dinners and pillow talk.
So be patient. Keep moving forward, even if it’s slow.
Nothing can take the place of good solid marital counseling (which, in my opinion, can be helpful for ANY couple), but in the absence or in supplement to that, here are some books and websites that are helpful. Some of them I’ve used myself and some have been recommended.
Books:
- Shannon Etheridge, author of Every Woman’s Battle. I read this book in the first month of my healing and it helped immensely. You can buy it here.
- Intimacy Ignited, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. This was integral for me in discovering (for the first time!) real intimacy with my husband. It is a book for married couples that outlines God’s design for sex outlined by the Song of Solomon.
- The Love Dare, by Alex and Stephen Kendrick. I read this much later, but it is very helpful. It is a book designed to take couples on a 40 day journey of mending and melting hearts that have been separated by hurt and bitterness in marriage.
- Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence and Sacred Marriage. These were given to me recently by my mentor and I am working through the first one. They are insightful when it comes to the spiritual roles women play in the lives of their husbands.
- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think someone got this for us for our wedding 13 years ago and I read it once back then. I need to read it again. If you haven’t read this book before, pick it up. It is eye-opening. And by the way, I am quality time and receiving gifts. My husband is physical touch. Knowing that helps a lot.
Websites:
- Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Books, conferences and an interactive website.
- Gary Smalley, author of many books on marriage. His website features books, articles and information on hot topics.
- A Chord of Three Strands. Preparatory conferences for young engaged and married couples.
- Covenant Eyes. Blog and web accountability software that monitors internet use and reports to people you select.
- Weekend to Remember by Familylife.com. We attended one of these conferences in our first year of healing. Exceptional. They hold retreats and conferences designed to help grow your marriage. Also this website is a wealth of information regarding healthy marriages.
- XXX Church. An online community devoted to bring awareness, openness and accountability to those affected by pornography.
These are only a few of the resources available for hurting and healing couples and I know I’m leaving out hundreds of amazing books and websites.
What about you? Is there anything that has helped you that I’ve left out? Or what are your thoughts on healing?
Tags: adultery, healing, hurt, injuries, marriage, resources
EVERY HEART RESTORED
by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey
Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage: Protecting Your Relationship So It Will Last a Lifetime
by Stormie Omartian (Author)
Both of the above mentioned books were good for us (me). My husband was the one who had the affair. We both read the Every Man’s Battle as well.
Great books you suggested! Im going to look into a couple of them now!
I have read most of those books, but a few of them I have not read. I think one that really helped me was THE HEALING CHOICE by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen. Really good information! I have loaned most of my books out to another friend who needs them right now.
Yes healing is a long process, we are going on 5 years now and still so much to work on. But God is faithful!!
Thank you Sarah for sharing!!
You have covered all the good ones Sarah, and I think accountability with an older, seasoned, Godly couple is ALWAYS helpful…. =) Love you my friend…
We are now 18 years on the other side of adultery & will celebrate 38 years of marriage in December. People often ask, “How have you managed to stay married that long?” To which I always reply, “Well, we just stayed married.”
Sarah,
I was just wondering…have you ever written about the story of how you and Chad met?
I think one of the most helpful books for me was “His Needs, Her Needs.” It really helped me grasp the idea that I have to feed my husbands need for love or someone else might.
How to Survive an Affair by Willard Harley (author of His Needs, Her Needs). He also has a workbook that has been helpful called Five Steps to Romantic Love.
Thank you so much for sharing these posts. I feel like everyday I read your blog I’m getting some help as to where my next step in healing should be.
Great recommendations, thank you!
For me, the biggest change came from taking my focus off of changing my husband, and focusing on God changing ME into who God needed ME to be to help my husband be who God intended for him to be. Whoa… did that make sense?
A friend of mine gave me your site and I have been addicted to it ever since. My husband cheated on me three years ago (a child came from it) and since then we have had our first child. Your blog has helped me see his side to the affair since my husband isn’t a talker. I thank-you for sharing your story and thank-you for the resources. I need help with letting it go and these might be that step.
Glad to see Love and Respect on the list. It’s a good one for “regular” couples too, no huge problems necessary.
I will certainly have to check out some of the others. I just wish my hubby was more interested in “that kind of stuff.”
Trina – not yet. it’s going in the book.
Nikki – so glad you are here
RG – great answer!
and thank you for the rest of the books and ideas. =)
For Ann and me the books that were most helpful were: Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, Carder had a 5 Love Language exercise in the book which was most helpful. Mine is focused time and hers is acts of service. I was always wondering why she wouldnt’ hang with me and she wondered why I wouldn’t get up and do the dishes.
Forgive and Forget (A title Smedes did not like) by Lewis Smedes, Inside Out by Larry Crabb,
Books I’ve read since that are helpful: The Monogomy Myth by Peggy Vaughn especially the concept that our culture is hostile to monogomy, The Art of Forgiveness by Smedes, Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, just about any book by Nouwen, Shaunti Feldhahns books on men and women. A Grace Disguised by Gerald Sittser since there is much to grieve following an affair.
Our website, really my blog, is marriagesrestored.com. My writing isn’t as good as yours but it has been helpful for some.
Thanks for putting your story out there and inviting discussion. I’m certain it has been a blessing to many already.
Just my 2 cents here…although saving your marriage is FABULOUS, if a reader is not safe, she should RUN to a safe place. I had people tell me it was my “place” as the submissive Christian wife to go back and try to forgive him and work it out, regardless of my safety.
Aside from that, the books you listed are all great. I have them all!
And on to your neck. My physical therapist made me do exercises and constantly pay attention to my posture. My neck and shoulders completely quit hurting. (The dr was saying surgery but now its not needed!)
Sarah- I love that in all of these posts there is the constant notion that deep inside you always knew. I think so often we feel the tug from God and we justify it or try to avoid it. It is in those moments that I am so thankful for his presence and I begin to understand why God made me the way he did. Whenever I do something I should not or when I need to stand up and do the right thing I get a huge knot in my stomach. Sarah food poisoning would feel better than this. I begin to feel stressed out and I just know that I need to do what is right in God’s eyes. I hope and pray that many people will remember to listen to that still small voice and do what is right….just like you did when God put the fear of disobeying Him into your belly and gave you the courage to share it all. I am with you… tell your story first because at the end of the day none of us were there for it all. Only Chad and you know the whys and the details and all that matters is you both had a choice and Jesus helped you see that there is always a way back to the light. There are days when I feel like I just want some privacy and some space and then I begin to remember that it is the lack of privacy that makes it easier to trust and respect my husband. He frequently checks my e-mail and sometimes I even call him to see if he has checked it! Keep sharing I love reading the comments and seeing how many people are being touched by this.
You did include one of the two books that have been the greatest encouragement to me in my marriage–Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas is hands down the best book I have ever read on marriage (and specifically the wife’s role in marriage). The chapter in there on sexual intimacy transfomed my view of that subject
And the other book that changed my life–and my marriage–was The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. One of the other commenters above mentioned that they started out wanting to change their spouse and realized it was more about letting God change HER. That pretty much sums up the first part of that book. I bought the book thinking I was going to pray and ask God to change all my husband’s bad qualities, but what He did instead was gently open my eyes to the sins of bitterness and resentment and anger, etc that I was harboring in my own heart. When I confessed those things to Him and prayed with a clean heart, I saw mountains move in my marriage.
God bless you, Sarah!
The Love Dare – while two short for an affair – i find helpful. I work through it each day and when I get to the end I restart it again. It helps me keep my focus when my husband is to hurt to love me. I keep hoping someday we can finish the book together
Thanks for these resources! You also might like this story on our blog:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/05/26/podcast-restoring-a-marriage-broken-by-pornography-part-1/
thank you so much for listing us as a resource, sarah.
here is to a great and blessed weekend!
laura lasky
fireproof ministries