When I was first married, I though I needed to “teach” my husband that being hurt was never wrong because it was my personal feeling. And you can’t argue with a feeling.
And while that is partially true, it always turned out badly.
I’m hurt. What you said hurt my feelings.
You’re wrong. You can’t feel that. What I said was no big deal.
But I am hurt. And it’s just how it is. You can’t argue with that.
Frustration. Yelling. More arguing. Tears. Slammed doors.
And then this happened. And here we are today, having created new routines for communication and arguing.
We still hurt each other sometimes. Never intentionally any longer, but usually because we are tired or aren’t thinking of the other first. You know how it goes.
But hurt, big or little, sometimes feels safe. Like a bandaid. It feels good to wallow in it, feel like I deserve this hurt because the other person wounded me. I’m a victim…
A woman emailed me a couple weeks ago in response to my story and (with her permission) I’d like to share her take on hurt. Her husband has been unfaithful to her, has repented and they are now on the (slow) road to healing. She emailed me this about her own struggles with feeling hurt and wounded:
“I had an epiphany recently one evening while I was up late cleaning the house, of all things. I was dwelling on how angry I was that I had remained faithful and what good had it done me? Angry that I was being gracious and staying when I didn’t have to. Angry that my husband seems to get grace and mercy and I get to suffer and be ill treated. Just angry. And I was telling myself how the bottom line seemed to be that basically I loved [my husband] more than he loved me. And that knowledge really sucked. I kept thinking and thinking about how much it really sucked to be in a relationship where I so clearly loved someone more and better than they loved me. How utterly unfair.
“And then my head about spun off. Because I realized. I realized that EVERYTHING I just described was EXACTLY how God felt about us. About me. He loves me so much more than I love him. My goodness – he sent his son to DIE for me and I piss on that extravagance and grace every day I live and breathe.
“And for the first time in my life I felt a small portion of what the suffering of Christ feels like. I was invited into Christ’s sufferings. They are very very real to me now.
For years, my husband, Chad (the victim of MY unfaithfulness) has said this about feeling hurt or an it’s-not-fair attitude…
We lose the right to say “it’s not fair” until we’ve suffered as much as Christ has on the cross. When that happens, we gain the right to say “it’s not fair.”
Pain isn’t fair. Neither is adultery. Or people who hurt children. And death. And miscarriage. And lost jobs. Or abuse. None of it’s fair.
But neither was the cross.
Because He lived without sin. He deserved none of the burden he carried on the cross.
In my own marriage, I’m the one who committed the bigger HURT. I’ve been very open about that. And even last Friday when I wrote about some of my own pain (paling in comparison to others’). However moving forward includes a distinct giving of hurt over to Christ, allowing Him to help feel it for us, and gaining perspective that He has been hurt far worse by the sins of the world (and of each one of us) than we could ever feel.
I’m not saying we deserve the pain. Or that my husband deserved what I did to him.
But I am saying that Christ deserved none of it.
And that is where we find perspective on our own wounds.
What do you think? Do you wallow in hurt? Do you say “it’s not fair”? What do you think about Christ’s pain on the cross?
Thank you for this post Sarah; it came to me at a much needed time. You gave me another perspective, to my today’s “it’s not fair” attitude towards a serious problem of mine. Your reader’s “epipahny” is indeed wonderful; it was something I never thought of that way before…
Thank you for sharing your story and your insight.
Sometimes, you’re both hurt, and you both feel something the other is doing is not fair, and as you cast about for someone to blame, you often settle on the other. But it’s not always someone’s fault, because you’re right: we do feel, and pain is always going to be a part of living in this world.
So dealing with your pain and the unfairness is sometimes a matter of appreciating their humanity and their own hurt without blame, remembering that you are human too, that their hurt may not be your fault (because fault is often not so easily laid when someone’s feelings are hurt), and releasing your pain to the Lord as you have said.
I have learned that it’s okay to not have to talk through all the hurts that have been talked through, that sometimes, opening ourselves up to intimacy in spite of it is the best healing grace we could have guessed, and as I humble me before my husband, he is able to release his own unfair hurt and his prideful embarrassment, and we are one again, with new, quiet understanding of His love for us both.
After all, sometimes *we* need to remember what God does, that we are dust…
Thank you for sharing that. You have no idea how much I needed to hear it this morning. I’m living in a situation with my husband where I just keep saying over and over that it isn’t fair. But I see, clearly now, that it isn’t about fair. It isn’t about us at all. And I need to forgive my husband and give him the grace Jesus has given me.
Thank you I needed that view to put my own view into perspective. Thank You, Lord, for shifting our focus when it needs to be adjusted.
i love when women are more focused on Jesus than themselves…so refreshing!
pain is real and so are hurt feelings–sometimes we need an attitude adjustment because by the time you have pain and hurt feelings nothing is going to change the past.
I agree with moving forward. I agree that it is only in God’s grace that we can do so. I believe in forgiveness. But to put a deeper thought on the issue let’s consider: an abusive husband (physical, verbal, mental) or wife. It is my belief that we can forgive the person, allow for God to heal their deepest hurt so they can become whole and stop the abuse, and move forward together as one. However, I do not believe that if it is continual and apologies do not follow up with sincere efforts such as counseling and a change in behavior that it is acceptable biblical to walk away. Some would say that Jesus died on the cross and endured such suffering and loved us unconditionally knowing so many would reject Him and that we are to do the same. That we do not ‘deserve’ anything. I do not agree based on what God says about husbands and wives. God commands husbands to treat a wife a specific way and for wives to treat husbands a specific way. This is a commandment and thus we deserve to receive what God commands just as we receive salvation. That being said, “Ladies/Men, if you are in a relationship that is abusive and you are physically and emotionally ill from it and your spouse shows no sign of improvement…you do not deserve this according to God’s commandment to your spouse.” Feel free to disagree as the interpretation of the Word of God is subject to our own understanding of language. God bless you as you seek His perfect will for your life according to His purpose. Blessings
For me, supernatural power to handle hurt happens every time I get a clear view of the hurt and pain Jesus embraced on the cross for me. You’re right Sarah. This is the answer to all those yukky feelings draining out of us and love filling us instead. Do we feel it when others hurt us – or when we hurt others(that can be just as bad a feeling) – of course! But we don’t have to live under the influence of those feelings. Instead we can think about what Jesus did for us and let it all go – flowing away from us like his blood on the cross did.
That attitude of “fairness” seems to be inborn, doesn’t it? I sometimes wonder where it comes from. What makes my four-year-old say, “But it’s not FAIR.”
That said, I think God longs to cure us of that viewpoint. Everything we have — EVERYTHING — is grace. We should be on our knees in thanksgiving that life isn’t fair.
And when we start to say, “But this isn’t fair. They hurt me more….” we should be very, very careful. (I say this after having my own, deeply personal and painful battle.) Because that is the attitude of a Pharisee. And while I never saw Jesus speak harshly to the adulteress, he lambasted the Pharisees. In God’s scale, it seems self-righteousness and pride are the ugliest sins. I’ve seen that in my own life over and over again. Lord, forgive me.
I am pierced with this. Convicted right where I stand. (umm, sit)
I am a HUGE wallowER. I am a sensitive person, who is run been her feelings. I can forgive, AS long AS there is an apology. I can never forget. Stuff just lingers there. On and on the tape just gets longer. My family hurt me deeply. But nothing like what Jesus went through. Hmmmmm, This was the last thing I wanted to hear today, I was just ramping up on a good rage about who left a blue crayon in their pocket that went through the wash and ruined a whole load of clothes. Now I’m left sitting here laughing, the jokes on me today! I will be in conversation now with God for the next hour. Is this where I thank you or get mad at myself for reading here today?
you can get mad if you want.
that’s what i told my husband before i wrote this…they’re gonna get mad at me on monday.
“No need, no want, no trial, no pain, can compare to this. The wrath of God once meant for me, was all spent on Him.”
-”Before the Cross” by Soverign Grace Music
This is fantastic, Sarah. Love Chad’s line, “We lose the right to say “it’s not fair” until we’ve suffered as much as Christ has on the cross.” Oh baby!
Something Shauna and I have learned is that our personal pain is ALWAYS a filtered pain. So I may unintentionally hurt her, and I must own that, but her own filters have helped her interpret that pain in such a way that it hurts more than it has to in that moment. We’ve grown together to the point where we can often say, (in addition to an apology), and GENTLY, “Honey, that’s your filter talking. I didn’t really say that, but I can see why you feel it.”
I was going to say something almost identical to this. The most relationship-altering lesson my husband and I have tried to grasp this past year is this one of a “filter.” We simply won’t always understand the way the other spouse is feeling. Showing true, unselfish love to each other means putting aside our own thinking or feelings on the matter and being able to humble ourselves enough to admit we don’t understand. And that’s okay.
Of course I wallow in pain. I’m the “victim,” so I have a right to wallow in it, correct, (sarcastically).
Really, I do wallow in my pain sometimes and then I get mad at myself for doing so! I feel like the woman in your e-mail, “It’s not fair!”
smooches,
Larie
Wow. That is so insightful and really cuts to the core.
My friend’s daughter just repeated what her mom would say:
“It’s not fair that Jesus had to die on the cross for our sins!”
Interesting take..I agree with most of this,Ive had to forgive a lot of people to move forward..but what about someone who knowingly led you on ,made you feel love for them and then pulled away and dropped you flat on your face and acted like they didnt do anything wrong and tried to make you feel like something was wrong with you???? And whats more ,hid behind God saying everything happens according to His plan?? My trust in people has been severely damaged by her
This is so true. Feelings color our perception, and sometimes create a reality in our mind that doesn’t really exist. If we wallow in the hurt, the pain ultimately will become the motivation for everything we do (or don’t do), and the filter through which we pass all of our experiences and interactions.
Then, the pain defines who we are. As a result, we stop growing as a person.
Processing through and out of the pain, learning the lessons it teaches us, will make us better and stronger people in the long run. We have to get up from wallowing to ever achieve that.
This is exactly the point of the movie “Fire Proof”. GREAT movie for couples to watch. Very well put Sarah – thank you. I try not to say “its not fair” as my husband and I heal. He is caught in this cycle right now. I hurt him – i betrayed him. He often says “Why should I forgive you, you get away with it than – why should I work on our marriage – you messed it up etc” My only response is – “your right – its not fair…I am so deeply sorry for how I hurt you. I want to restore our marriage and can not do it alone, so I am asking you to do something that is not fair – and help me. I know you can not do it now, but I pray with time, you will reach out to me and we can begin to rebuild – until you are ready – i will wait – loving you – being the wife I should have been. ” Thats all i can do is work on my relationship with God, work at being a good christian wife and wait. I know this will all happen in Gods time and not mine.
This is so convicting. Thanks for helping me put things in perspective today. I needed this reminder of the extent of Christ’s sacrifice…
Awesome. Timely. Needed. thank you
amazing again, girl…
a thot from Donald Miller’s new book…every good character in every good story NEEDS to face & overcome conflict on the journey toward genuine change/transformation.
both conflict & change (much less transformation) are UNcomfortable. extremely so.
during all of my life, my running from discomfort has always brought me not only even more pain…but it has usually damaged me so much that only Jesus’ amazing grace can undo the resulting mess.
today, you showed us a strong heart…strong thots…an even stronger love!
love you,
dad
Honestly, it sucks that the Cross takes away my “right” to whine and wallow in my self pity! I would love to sit back and use pain and heartbreak as my excuse for my inability to move on and let healing take place. But, because I have allowed Christ to pay my debt, He now owns my heart and I am called to follow hard and fast after Him. This is true regardless of the personal expense to me emotionally or physically.
The alternative to Christ simply sucks and I never want to go there again.
It sucks to feel hurt, too. Sometimes being sad can have a healing effect, but after a certain time, it really doesn’t feel better to wallow, it feels better to get over it and live. I know.
Thank you for sharing your reader’s e-mail. That is profound. And yes, how many of us have not felt loving more than being loved in return?
Pride is what holds onto that “It’s not fair” attitude. I have to keep reminding myself that as I navigate in obedience to what God wants me to do in my marriage.
This was such an amazingly appropriate post for me to read this morning. God has really been working on my victim mentality for the past several weeks or so and it is so easy to slip back into it from time to time.
Chad is right – I have no right to whine until I have suffered as much as Christ. And the amazing thing about Christ is that He will never allow me to suffer that much. Talk about grace and mercy!
Thank you for sharing Sarah. It really does help to be reminded. God bless your day!! <3
Reading your website I cannot help but be struck with how much pride you take in your “forgiveness.” I wonder if the children of the man you slept with feel as much pride in their father’s behavior. There seems to be an awful lot of references to “I”
in your site. I conclude you are still self-centered and care little for the feelings of those whose lives your little mistake affected. Couching your repentance in Christian language is a common tactic for those found out in cheating. Now you are writing a book? You should donate your proceeds to a charity for women or children affected by divorce. p.s. I’m glad you think it’s so funny that readers might be angered by your post.
Wow Amy, those are some harsh words you are firing out there.
Do you hear the irony in what you are saying? “Pride in your forgiveness”. Haven’t you read in Hebrews 4 where it says, “…let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need”?
We are TOLD in scripture to come BOLDLY, with confidence, and grab, embrace, put on and run with the grace and mercy that is over abundantly given as a result of the work of the Cross!
I can attest to the fact that the only pride my wife feels is the pride of her heavenly Father and not for herself. She is happy to have her teeth kicked in for the sake of the Gospel and I, personally, have seen it happen more than once. Each time, she takes it humbly, gives it to Christ, feels the pain deeply and then picks up and keeps going.
You sound like you have been hurt and I am sorry for that. The quote I often use is very “in your face” and meant to be that way. I recite that truth to myself weekly because I can get wrapped up in my own self pity and it becomes crippling. That quote kicks me square in the gut and I get up, and keep going.
Chad
amy – first of all you assume that i will make money off a book, or that that would be a “goal” or a “reason” to write. i’m not even expecting to make money from a book. most first time writers don’t even make a second printing, and the publishing industry has been a free-for-all lately. Traditional “advances” have been cut and a lot of houses have closed their doors. so to answer that, NO, I’m not even planning that any book i write will make money.
secondly, you assume that i don’t care for the lives of others that i’ve affected. what i would say to you about that is that you don’t know the whole story. what i’ve shared here on this blog, you can imagine, is only a small portion of the story.
not that you will come back to read this, but i have a few other things to say: Personal blogs tend to be about the person writing. I have to use the word “I”. And I can only really tell my story. I can’t even tell my husband’s because I’M NOT HIM. And the other family? I’m sorry that what I did hurt them. And I’m sorry that their own father hurt them. I can’t tell their story. I didn’t live theirs. I can only tell you what God did for me.
I’m so sorry that you feel i’m self-centered. i guess we all are to a point.
and, amy, i wish you knew me. I don’t “couch my repentence in Christian language.” i’ve told what happened, and what God did for me.
I’m really sorry you don’t understand. you sound angry. you make a lot of assumptions that aren’t true. it makes me sad, but you don’t have to read anymore if what i say angers you.
“Let him who is without sin…”
Enough said.
Love ya Sarah!
Sarah and Chad,
I am glad you both have grabbed the grace freely given and did not squander the blood Jesus freely gave to wash away sin. I am glad you have put on the robe of righteousness and dance in his grace without carrying the burden of sin any longer. You are free! It truely is just as if you had never sinned! God views you throught the blood of Jesus. Oh, happy day!
Thank you for your honesty, your trust in God, and your obedience.
amy –
my heart hurts for you that you cannot see the amazing self-LESS person my sister is. my heart hurts for you that this is how you see others who are honest and truly following Jesus. my heart hurts for you that there is so much anger in your words. my heart just hurts for you.
The cross is always humbling, is it not? Glory to God! Thanks for the post.
Sarah, I think you are a very brave woman for sharing your story with the world. Obviously God has worked wonders in your life. Your writing is beautiful…even your replies to rude comments.
My bible study is focusing on hurts, habits and hang ups so your post today really spoke to me. Thank you!
keep writing sarah! we serve a good God and you are bringing glory to Him. the enemy wants the rude comments to tear at you, shame you, etc., etc….the Lord knows you and your heart. you are an encouragement to me. thank you.
At the foot of the Cross… the only place everything is truly clear. Thank you for this, sweet Sarah.
Sarah,
I started reading your blog when you shared your story, and I’ve been grateful for your honesty and your words. I’m grateful that you are willing to share your story, and even though I don’t know you, I’m so thankful that you and your husband have been able to find healing and forgiveness. This post especially spoke to me. I got chills when I read what your husband says about us getting to say “it’s not fair” when we’ve been through what Jesus went through. My husband and I have battled infertility for two years, and now have decided to take a break from that fight, but for so long I felt it was unfair – that I had done nothing to deserve being barren, and it was unfair that “everyone else” was able to have children. Even though I have grown so far past that place, this blog post spoke straight to my heart. Thank you!
Diana
Keep going Sarah… keep going…..love you!
I’ve taken to quoting your blog to my husband now and we have had some amazing conversations about your words (not about you, per se, but about how you challenge us!
…)Chad’s quote tonight was a sucker punch to me. I am so justice oriented and I just so needed to hear his perspective. Thank you so much – both of you – for sharing so vulnerably and openly about your journey!
Thank you so much for writing. Again and again it is a gift.
I do agree with this…we often think of marriage as 50-50…of being fair…but it isn’t…love, true love was never fair…God creating us even though He knew we’d break his heart was not fair…Jesus on the cross, not fair. Last year I wrote a post to my husband titled It’s Never Been Fair and it was for our anniversary. My thoughts in that post are very similar to yours here…and I think I’m going to reprint it every single year because I need that reminder. It’s even been framed for our wall, not because that I think my writing is so great or profound, but because the message of love not being fair is God’s message and I need those reminders. Your heart is beautiful and I’m glad you feel this way about your marriage and are helping others.
Does this mean that I have to forgive my ex for his emotional abuse, cheating and ‘throwing away’ the family? And if I forgive him for that do I have to forgive him for letting his girlfriend play ‘mommy’ with our kids when he has access? I am finding it so hard to forgive. If I could let it all go and not see him again it might be easier. I can forgive for the past but what’s even harder is to forgive him again and again for exposing our kids to his new life. He thinks it’s OK to play ‘family’ with our kids and his girlfriend and her kids. This is a kick in the gut to me every time I hear about how involved they are with the girlfriend when they are with my ex. Do you have any comments on this? it is easier to be angry and upset and afraid but I guess I have to hand it over to God. I have a long way to go!
Wilma,
I am so sorry that your husband is doing this. I think that ‘yes’ you do have to forgive him. Mostly for YOU and your children. I have found that forgiveness may do nothing for the other person but it is so freeing. Your forgiveness of your husband will also give your children the freedom to forgive. I don’t believe that forgiveness is liking what the other person does or is doing but it is not allowing that anger to control you.
I will be praying for you!!
Thanks so much misty! I am touched by your response. I literally burn with anger some days and I think it is doing a lot more damage to me than him
I felt myself softening a little today so the prayers must be helping 
I will work on this! Thank you again, for blessing me.
thanks, misty for responding to wilma. and thank you for your willingness to pray.
wilma – i’m so sorry that your ex-husband has done this, and still does this. i can’t imagine having to forgive over and over like this.
but i think we do have to. if not, we become bitter and hardened and sick inside. even if the perpetrator seems to never quit. God is faithful. he protects your children when you aren’t with them. and He has the ability to soften your heart and give you the daily strength to forgive, even if it’s over and over again. That’s why he died. because WE are the perpetrators over and over again. we hate Him and spit on Him over and over again. Yet he still loves us.
I’m so sorry, wilma. I really am. I will be praying for you and for your children. thank you so so much for sharing.
Thanks Sarah, for taking the time to reply. I know in my heart you are right. When my ex first left I had to learn to live in the moment, living minute by minute until I could live hour by hour and then day by day. In time I was able to see a future for myself and the kids again. God can’t control my ex and neither can I. But He can protect the kids, right. So I guess I need to go back to living day by day and stop the worry and fear and redirect the rage and anguish. And be prepared to forgive when they come back from his place. Easier to write than do! But must be done. No cop-outs allowed on this site I see
Thank you for blessing me Sarah. God has brought a lot of good out of what Satan intended for evil in your life.
Thank you for sharing from your heart, Sarah. You’ve deeply touched so many others by sharing what is not often talked about – grace and forgiveness and life after we make mistakes/fall from grace.
When I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of my 2nd child, it was astonishing how people responded, the harshest from church…”obviously there was sin in my life, where was my faith, just get over it, etc.” If that was the reaction when I went to others just for prayer, there was no way I could turn to them whenever I felt like I had to end it all for the sake of my children. They were never in harm’s way, but I struggled with wanting to harm myself. It’s been six years and lots of layers of healing and releasing forgiveness.
Bless you and your sweet family. Your words help draw me closer to our loving, approachable, understanding and ever-helpful Savior. I’m so sorry when people lash out at you and pray that the sting fades quickly. MIKI
Feelings do create a perception,but the reality Was there,conviently discarded when she had to face reality.As I was told,when Im with you im WITH you.Certain things,acts,feelings etc should not be entered into if a person is going to toss them aside,hide behind semantics like a COWARD,and act as if they have absolutley no control over what they do with themselves,claiming everything is in God’s hands.My mistake was believing the lies I was told,simply ignoring common sense and not seeing that I was being used to make her feel better,an escape from reality until reality smacked her in the face. I had a plan to relocate to a better region,and I threw it away with both hands because I was lonely and didnt have faith in myself and Gods plan for me.Im focusing on rebuilding that Faith,and trying like crazy to let go of the white hot hatred and pain I suffered. I think I have every right to be angry,not wallow but work through that anger to let it go. Getting perspective on it is very helpful,but to say you have no right to say its not fair is a little unrealistic.We Are in the world,and we Are human and while we are here we FEEL what we do when things happen.If your perspective is right and you are focused,its fine to say its not fair.I admit I was stuck on it for a while but I gradually gained perspective. The last thing im trying to get over with His help is the way she let herself go with me,especially knowing ALL the loss Ive suffered in the past year.I lost one ex to cancer,and a relationship due to her getting cancer as well.As much as it tore my heart to pieces(especially since my mom died from cancer)I dealt with all of that with God’s help and kept the faith as much as it strained me. It was just IRRESPONSIBLE what she did with my feelings and how we related to each other.I should have used better judgement,but it takes two to tango.Pray for me so I can let this go,leave it in God’s hands and move on..and hope that we can have a healthy friendship as well, right now I still dont trust her.
Chad and Sarah…..the Lord is ROCKIN’ through you! I love it! Thanks for sharing the Lord’s unconditional love.
Sarah thankyou for being willing to suffer for the Lord!!! There are so many who have been impacted, rescued, found because of what Jesus is doing through you and Chads story of forgiveness and redemption!!!! Like Davese said…KEEP GOING. Love you
.
Ever since the fall in the Garden, nothing has been fair… HOWEVER, God’s Grace and Mercy abound and He will bless us if we kneel at the foot of the cross and ALLOW God to work in our lives. Chad & Sarah’s story is a familiar one to me (my first wife had an affair which ended our marriage); the big difference is, I did not know Jesus and the abundance of His Grace and Mercy at that time.
Thank you Sarah (and Chad) for exposing the darkness in your past which has turned to light.
Amy – one cannot tell their story without using the word “I”… please listen to the lesson in this story, it is a powerful one.
Sarah,
Each day as I read your heart, I am amazed at the strength you show. That can only come from one who has truly experienced the forgiveness and grace of Christ. One who is full of pride would never have had the “guts” to lay open their failures for other to criticize. Those who truly find forgiveness can’t help but shout it in hopes that other hurting, sinful, failing people can come and find healing, forgiveness and redemption. God is the God of restoration. I thank you for your courage and your concern for others who are hurting. Young lady, you have done Your Savior proud. Keep sharing the truth and the message that God has given you to share. How amazing that He can take our sins and failures to bring glory to His name. Blessings to you and Chad.
Sarah, may your heart continue to be bold enough to share, and loving in abundance. You’re doing well. We, (Christians), need to stop pretending to be perfect and share our flaws. It is a great testimony to God’s mercy! “The honor of bearing the title of Chrisitian does not make us perfect.”
Chad, awesome exhibit of your healing and forgiveness with your gentle reply to Amy. I didn’t understand Hebrews 4 like that, but it makes great sense. Thanks
With encouragement to you both keep on doing what you’re doing,
Larie
Sarah,
I am sorry that some people feel the need to kick others or to try to make others feel guilty.
Keep writing, write that book!!
In telling your story of grace, forgiveness and pride in Jesus you are kicking satan right in the teeth.
I had an affair 5 years ago and my husband and I are together and doing awesome. I also know Gods grace and forgiveness AND my husbands forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing and opening up your heart, your wounds and your healing for others!
I understand your heart, here and I agree. What Christ suffered was not fair. And it does place perspective on our own suffering.
I also think that sometimes forgiveness looks different for different people. Some might be able to mend their relationship. Some might not.
Adultery in my family permanently broke relationships. At this time, those relationships are still broken.
But you’re right–we ought always to take our example from Christ. Self-pity and wallowing never accomplish good.
Thank you for your honesty. I love you.
i totally agree. somethings will never be healed (at least in the traditional sense) on earth, i think.
thank you for you perspective, liz.
xox!
you know i love you, too, my dear heart friend. you inspire me to do brave things. ((hugs))
Amy- I don’t know you or Sarah but I have been reading her blog. And I admire her courage and transparency. I can’t imagine the hurt and betrayal you must feel. But don’t you see that your anger is Satan’s way of keeping you trapped? About 15 years ago my grandfather left my grandmother for another woman and married that woman. What he did was wrong. But she held on to her anger. It has effected her relationships with all her kids and all her grandchildren. And because she still holds on to that anger. She’s alone and angry. I’ve often wondered if she would’ve have let go how different her life would be. How she would love people more and how much joy and restoration God could have done in her life. I still pray that’s possible…but she’s getting older and has wasted so many years being angry. The more you hold on to your anger…the more the enemy robs you of another day of God’s plan for you. Please…for the sake of your future and the future of others…let go of the anger (with God’s help).
Carrie, I think these are valuable comments. This happened in my mother-in-law’s life also. Her husband left her for someone else and she was bitter for most of the rest of her life. What happened is that her kids often ended up resenting HER when what she wanted was for them to resent their dad! I know it was extremely difficult and I understand her better now that I have gone through it. And she didn’t have a relationship with God to help her through. She did find joy in a new husband and he treated her well, but he told me a few years back that every single day that they had been married she would make a negative comment about her ex and how he had wounded her. So she let her ex steal a lot of her joy in life. When I think about that, then I feel a bit more resolved to live life to the fullest and stop dwelling on my anger and rage! I don’t want to give up more to the Enemy than he has already stolen from me. He kicked me down and now it’s time to get up! Thanks for sharing that!
Thank you for this, for your whole web site and the courage to share your story, and for this passage today. As someone who – shamefully – revels in the rare instances where I’m “in the right” or have “the moral high ground” in conflicts with my spouse, your words are resonating with me deeply. God bless.