If anyone tells you that pornography is only a male problem, they are either in denial, lying to you, or are simply unaware.
Women struggle with porn too.
This is actually part of my own story that I haven’t shared yet on my blog, but I’m writing into my book. My husband brought pornography into our young marriage over 13 years ago and I found it difficult to resist. It was one of the symptoms of my sick heart. During our healing and restoration, both my husband and I were able, with the power of God renewing our minds, to stop viewing pornography. And we’ve been free from it for almost 6 years.
That’s just another part of the amazing grace of it all.
My friend Crystal Renaud, a former porn addict herself, is launching a new ministry. Dirty Girls Ministries (DGM) is a Christian anti-pornography ministry created to help women who struggle with pornography addiction. The mission of Dirty Girls is to:
- Bring awareness to the porn problem among women today
- Show struggling women they are not alone
- Demonstrate hope for recovery from this addiction
- Explain that the Bible and Jesus have the answer
DGM offers recovery groups, coaching networks, resources and prayer support for women with this of problem.
What do you think? Why do you think pornography has crossed the gender line?
Tags: Dirty Girls Ministries, marriage, recovery, women
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i don’t believe it has – because i don’t believe women previously never participated in or were not attracted to Porn. (human nature does not change greatly from one generation to the next – our parents actually had and enjoyed sex before we discovered it – something many are horrified to think about!)
I believe that while there are still more men than women who are addicted to it (because the mostly men who produce it for money sell it more to men (and maybe that is changing?)) that women have always been drawn to it – certainly as a way to make money and have some power over men, but also from the viewing side.
What has changed is – as with almost everything – there is far more open awareness and information on this formerly ‘taboo’ subject, meaning we now know more of women who ‘suffer’ the same ‘fate’ as many men, from some very poor choices/poor control of primal urges.
It is more talked about and then broadcast to the general population – thanks to the Jerry Springer, Oprah type shows on TV etc. and through ‘real life’ blog stories like you and Crystal have contributed also to an ever more aware world.
For the last 50 or so years i seem to have detected a general desire amongst some very vocal women who want to in some ways be more like men (salaries, jobs, lifestyle choices, etc).
The trouble with wanting those things is that you then also have to begin to accept all the crap men put up with as a consequence… or didn’t anyone make that clear to those women?
God has made men and women the ‘same’ but ‘different’ and any who seek to change God’s Plan do so at their peril.
It’s very nice to want the benefits but almost impossible to avoid the consequences.
We make our choice – accept it – and take what we reap as a result.
i believe God is quite clear on that point.
We don’t however get complete freedom of choice over what is harvested – we have to accept all that our choice entails, not just pick and choose for ourselves which bits we want and reject what we don’t.
Generally God is better able to see the full range of consequences to our choices much better than any individual can for themselves.
That’s why He rarely gives to us what we think we want, but gives to us as we actually need.
<B
I agree with Love…I am not so sure that it has ‘changed’. I think that the awareness level has just risen. In the past it was something that you didn’t talk about.
Now, it is something that we are made aware of. That porn is and can be an addiction, not only an addiction it is harmful to people. I don’t think that anyone ever said that before now.
It is no longer something that ‘boys’ do and is natural. Well…some people still view it that way.
It’s totally crossed the gender lines.
I took a class in University on Body Image/Issues and we discussed pron and its growing popularity and mainstream(ness)
One thing that was really striking was when reading of a survey done at a major US Ivy League university something like 25 years ago a majority of men SHEEPISHLY (this is key) admitted to viewing porn while NO females admitted to ever viewing porn.
The same survey done at the same school just recently a majority of the men UNASHAMED admitted to viewing porn, while almost half of the females SHEEPISHLY admitted to viewing porn.
If you can see what this survey helps to sort of point out…try and imagine what the same survey at the same school will look like 25 years from now.
It’s scary.
A great book: “Pornified” by Pamela Paul
Maybe I’m biased because I use to view porn as well, but I don’t think that it has crossed gender lines. Pornography has always been viewed by both genders and I actually know of more women than men who depend on it.
What I think it is, is that some women feel ashamed to admit to it because of stereotyping. If we continue keeping secrets, we will not get the help needed.
smooches,
Larie
you know what’s weird is that 1/4 of those addicted to porn are women… but that’s ONLY the women who are honestly admitting it.
KUH-RAZY!!!
Hello,
You may or may not need encouragement, but I want to encourage you this morning. In your faithfulness to being God’s servant, you have displayed amazing courage. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you & your husband (although maybe when you are being obedient, God takes care of the hard part…). I will lift you & your family up in prayer, God knows what you need.
I do not look at porn & as far as I know neither does my husband, but this post has still touched my heart, as it is an example of amazing courage. Courage in doing what God is asking of you.
Define pornography. Some would say if you read a romance novel with a sex scene, you read porn, because it’s simply sex repackaged for the female brain, making it acceptable.
I struggle. Oh, how I struggle. It’s an addiction, just like anything else, and neither gender is exempt, just like both men and women can get addicted to drugs, alcohol, or sex. Or anything.
We try and fill the God-shaped hole inside us with anything that might make us feel good, because that’s what we want to believe will make it better. We don’t seek the painful, difficult, stretching ways to grow, we want it to be pleasant, or easy. Porn is no different than anything else we can use to fill that hole. It’s more taboo, especially for women, but just as much a problem.
oh wow! what amazing things you are saying!
I appreciate your candor too. This is hard to talk about and didn’t really talk about it when I told my story a few weeks ago – not to hide it – but because it would have distracted. it is difficult to share now, but like i said, i’m writing it into my book. it’s important to understand how something like this can affect a mind, a heart and a soul.
it steals and kills. and it can destroy people.
keep talking. i’m interested to know if you guys think that porn as a women’s issue has been perhaps highlighted because of the increased accessibility online.
just wondering.
Just as a killer resource, Mark Driscoll has an amazing book called “Porn Again Christian.” Great insight.
I think that online availability has made it more prevalent, but its also provided a network for women to see and hear others saying its no big deal. Granted, that’s a secular audience, but its so easy to get sucked into something when you’re getting any validation, or worse, encouragement, because you’re ‘just expressing your sexuality.’ WRONG.
It’s a huge industry, with books and all sorts of ‘literature’ sucking women in. I use that term loosely. Consider also, how the world views relationships. Porn can and often is a substitute for meaningful relationships, both romantic and otherwise. It’s an intimacy stealer, even when you know it’s wrong.
Jen (other Jen!), what a great phrase: “God-shaped hole inside us.” I’ve never thought of it quite that way, thanks!
amazing courage & grace DO go together…
Jesus has poured out both in ALL our lives…all we need do is acccess His courage & grace…
and you, dear Sarah, have given me a tremendous example of both today!
the fastest growing section of the porn industry for several years now has been among women…especially the younger ones!
this is partly due (in my opinion) to the porn industry’s intentional effort to “make more money” by opening a “new market”…is that really a surprise to anyone?
a christian counselor friend of mine pointed out this trend to me about 5 years ago. i did not believe it until i saw the articles & statistics that he presented.
in addition, the internet has not only greatly expanded the accessibility of porn to women & men alike…it has also added tremendously to the bottom line of the most successful business (in dollar terms)on the internet…porn.
very sadly true, i’m afraid.
we are in a battle to the death in the hearts & minds of ourselves & our children…this is deadly serious.
loving you, Sarah…
dad
this might be crazy but i’ve never even seen any hardcore porn. but i know it’s a struggle for many people-men and women. but i’m pretty sure everyone struggles with selfishness, lust and desire–whether they feed that desire through porn or other sources. thanks so much for your honesty, sarah. i love you!
Jen – “define pornography” – great topic… seriously. i actually call “chick flicks” girl porn because it feeds into a lie that everything ends up happily ever after. it can cause women to not feel happy in their marriage or to compare what they have to something that doesn’t exist. porn for women isn’t always the same physical/visual porn as porn for men… however, it’s becoming more and more that way.
Self medication isn’t fussy on the how, or concerned about the effects on our bodies, mind, spirit or those we love.
If we don’t trust Him for what we need, we will use anything to make us feel better.
Sarah,
I applaud you for your courage and transparency. It is very hard to lay open your heart not knowing if people will agree or disagree with your stand, especially when talking about sex or anything that deals with it.
I came from a very, very harsh and abusive background where pornography was shown to me at a very young age. (I was under the age of twelve.) I was also exposed to other sexual deviant behaviors that left a pretty big hole in my soul for many years. All the early exposure left me with a warped sense of what sexuality was intended to be. It has taken years to bring healing to my heart and mind.
The information that I have gathered on my own journey shows that women who have been abused as children are at the greatest risk for addiction, but with pornography being so readily available on the internet now, that too, has caused many to be entrapped by it.
I do believe that times have changed and roles aren’t as defined as they once were, even in the church. There is a lot of confusion today on what it means to be a man or woman of God. I talk with young moms all the time that have little confidence in themselves as wives. My husband sees the same issues in younger married men.To me, this is one of the greatest tragedies that the church faces today. Not to just point out sin, but to lovingly help couples rebuild their lives, hearts, and homes and in a way that works for them, not done in a cookie cutter fashion.
I love coming to your blog, you are making such a difference.
Tonya has touched on something that is most definitely true. Her last paragraph”
……”I do believe that times have changed and roles aren’t as defined as they once were, even in the church. There is a lot of confusion today on what it means to be a man or woman of God. I talk with young moms all the time that have little confidence in themselves as wives. My husband sees the same issues in younger married men.To me, this is one of the greatest tragedies that the church faces today. Not to just point out sin, but to lovingly help couples rebuild their lives, hearts, and homes and in a way that works for them, not done in a cookie cutter fashion.”
This is so true- with more and more women working outside the home in a traditional job, there are blurred lines at home and women are not able to be as feminine as they should be and treat their husbands wonderful, because they are just as exhausted and stressed out. They are not able to be at home and tend to the home, husband and children. This makes it nearly impossible for a man/husband and woman/wife to live in their roles that God created for them and how we were (hopefully) brought up to be. Now it seems everywhere you look there “has” to be a two income family and they have to go-go-go! It becomes competitive between the spouses and no one cares about the other like they should. A marriage is supposed to be where each spouse builds up the other and if you do that- there is no way the marriage can fail.
I may be rambling now, but I hope the point I was trying to make (piggy backing right off of Tonya’s post) is clear. Women need to be able to be women. It seems like the roles are just blending more and more. In our home, we are modeling a traditional home. We are trying the best we can so that our daughter and son grow up to know what those roles are and there is no confusion.
xoxo
I think the the deception in viewing online porn is that people convince themselves that it is discreet and not hurting anyone else since it’s just between you and the computer screen. You might think that since you’re not actually interacting with another person you are excused and that porn will give you an experience that is comparable to an intimate relationship without the commitment.
But someone does get hurt, because the more you become addicted the farther you travel from being who you truly are and what you truly desire. It affects the way you think and feel and interact. It may feel good for that temporary moment, but the pain of shame and still feeling incomplete will quickly set in.
And the thing I’ve been learning is that it’s not just about running away from that which will tear me apart; it’s about running towards that which will make me whole.
i love this discussion.
so many people are really freaked out about this. you know, unsubscribe to my email feed, etc. but i agree with peter esp. in the last line…
run toward what is whole. very well said.
my heart really goes out to these young women (and men) who were exposed to pornography at a young age. i’m so so sorry. it’s beautiful to see how God can heal hearts and mend the broken corners of people, though.
and dad, thanks for commenting too. its hard to think that young women are a “new market” for pornography distributors. it makes me scared that my own daughters will be in that demographic very soon.
keep talking people. i love it.
I agree with Jenni’s definition of porn even including “chick flicks”…cos I think that’s a key contributor for girls being sucked into it. That and the trashy romance novels. These things always start out small and eventually lead to the heavier stuff. No girl starts with the plan to look at hardcore porn. But they are looking for ‘love stories’. So if the only portrayal of love we have before us includes sex scenes it’s hard for a girl (even a Christian one) to remove that from her mind when she’s bombarded by it everywhere she looks. It takes a mind renewed to know how to deal with that, and to not even allow those stories into your mind in the first place. And now the easy accessibility of porn on the internet has taken the hardcore images directly into women’s lives (and homes). I wonder if we had no access to porn online there’d be a lot less women with this problem? I know people would still find it if they wanted it, but I think for most women it starts with an almost ‘accidental’ finding of it.
And yes I speak from experience. My husband and I have also struggled with porn. But dealing with it and allowing God to set you free from this is so worth it! And we’re both determined to help others struggling with porn addiction.
Sarah, thankyou for tackling such a difficult topic in the way you’re doing. I’m still kind of new to your blog, working my way through posts and finding out more about you. I am so grateful for Godly women like you who are willing to share their hearts the way you’re doing. It’s very inspiring.
Blessings!
Maff
I have to admit, I didn’t really know that pornography was as big an issue for women as it is for men. I can see clearly now that it is. As we are all discussing the “crossing of the gender line” I pose a question. Do you think that men and women look at porn for different reasons though? I mean, whatever a woman is looking to find in a trashy romance novel or chick flick….I think that might be different than why most men look at porn. It doesn’t make it less wrong, I’m just wondering if that’s true and if so what role does that difference play.
I hope that makes sense. Sorry if it doesn’t.
courage begets courage…
that is what is happening here…VERY cool!
you ALL are showing courage…and grace…in this very serious & real part of what it means to be be a whole person in this fractured world.
i too agree with jenn’s definition of porn as things like “chick flicks” & maff’s as including “trashy romance novels”, etc.
to me the “etc.” is anything that fits in the category that peter described as “what will tear me apart”…
this is part of what the apostle paul was getting at when he talks about taking “every thot captive to Christ”(2 cor. 10:5). paul is speaking about spiritual warfare of the deepest & most practical kind…
you all rock!
love you, sarah!
dad
My innocence was lost when I accidentally found my Dad’s porn stash when I was 8 years old. This began an on-again, off-again struggle with pornography that I kept secret until my secrets were exposed after 11 years of marriage. I was divorced for six years and experienced the transforming power of God’s grace as He brought my shame into the Light and I began to truly believe the scandal of the Gospel…that He truly loves me just as I am!
My ex-wife and I were miraculously remarried last October. You can see the video of our story by clicking here.
Recently the Singles Ministry at our church invited us to share our story. Melody shared with the girls and I shared the vivid details of my journey with the guys. It went over very, very well…so well that they decided to have us back, but this time wanted Melody to share her story with the guys and for me to share my story with the girls. We prayed about it and agreed.
The original idea for us to swap and for the guys to hear Melody’s story and for the girls to hear mine was so that guys could see the pain that pornography brings to women and so that the women could better understand the guys they were dating or would be dating. When emails began to circulate and this false premise became apparent, I explained to the leadership of the Single’s Ministry the staggering statistics about the fastest growing group of porn users being women. My church came very close to further shaming females who were struggling in this area because everything was being presented that this was obviously just a guy’s issue.
I know the shame I experienced as a Christian male who struggled in this area…often believing the lie that I was the only Christian guy who was making these awful choices over and over again. I can’t imagine the shame a Christian female must feel when they are struggling and everything that they see and read presents this as only a guy issue.
As I shared my testimony with the single girls in our church, I was able to address the fact that, based on the statistics, there was probably a number who were struggling in the group. Three girls have since contacted Melody and have openly shared their secret struggle and have begun to get help.
Thank you, Sarah, for being so open with your story and for exposing the lies of the enemy.
Traylor
Reflections of a Ragamuffin
Peter – i think if we are talking porn as defined by chick flicks and romance novels, yes, women and men experience porn for different reasons.
but i think when we are talking about hardcore porn, the result is the same for men and women – a screwed up view of intimacy, stimulation by unhealthy means, wanting to be outside the real relationship you have right in front of you.
i don’t know. anyone else have thoughts on that?
oh, traylor…thank you for sharing that. and thanks for the link.
Porn isn’t about people. Sure, its viewed by people, and made by people, but it’s not about us. Not about our betterment, edification, or even our pleasure. It’s about robbing us of something God desires to give us: healthy, God-centered intimacy. Porn steals us from it, but we convince ourselves its a fantasy, an escape from how hard real intimacy is.
I think people like to say there’s different reasons for why they view porn, but ultimately, it comes down to how we react to intimacy: whether we’re running from it or running for it. We think porn will give us what we want, and in a way it does. But only God can give us what we NEED.
Speaking from a guy’s perspective, (but thinking this is probably true of women too) looking at porn provides a false intimacy and is cowardice to the core. Rather than engaging our spouse and fighting for his/her heart and stepping into his/her story, we pull back and isolate and go to porn because we get a slight taste of intimacy without having to work for it at all or give anything of ourselves. True intimacy…being known warts and all…is not possible without risks, because by its very nature it requires us to completely open up to another…to be completely vulnerable.
When our hearts are guarded and closed off, we often take the easy route to false intimacy that pornography provides. We don’t have to work for it at all…porn is readily available when we need it, is always smiling and in a good mood, and doesn’t ask me to risk anything at all. Running to the false intimacy of porn presents a HUGE barrier to true intimacy because by nature it is selfish and not self-less.
We have all probably heard intimacy described as “Into Me See” and how true that is. Due to our brokenness and woundedness, we all have barriers that must be removed so that our spouse can see who we really are. How scary that is, but oh, how wonderful!
Satan is all about providing us what he wants us to believe are shortcuts to the good stuff…all the way back to the garden. His lie from the beginning is that God is holding out on us and that we should take matters into our own hands. Pornography provides a cheap substitute to true, life-giving intimacy.
Traylor
jen – i agree.
traylor – it just goes back to the simple, true fact that Satan hates believers, wants our destruction and wants to ruin families. he uses any method to do that.
and i wanted to address what lisa said up above. that she’s never seen hardcore porn. i think that is so cool. i pray this for my daughters, for young women in this country that somehow they can be spared. because once it gets into your brain, it’s almost impossible to forget. even if you are now walking closely with the Lord.
I really appreciate this conversation. It’s encouraging to read all these comments. And it’s a good reminder for me that when I do run towards wholeness it’s not because I’ve just wised up and no longer struggle with an addiction. Rather, it’s the grace of God and the power of the Spirit that enables me to move in the direction that frees me for His glory as opposed to my own. And realizing that, I must continue to rely on Him each day.
shalom.
What’s sad to me is that every marriage I’ve known of that has been impacted by porn has also ended up being impacted by adultery…sometimes it was a physical affair, sometimes emotional.
Every one.
Every time.
So the lie that porn is not going to affect your “real life” is such deception. It makes me sad, because a close family member is going through this right now. He knows if he had stood up against the porn being brought into his house, things would never have gone this far. It’s a scary thing to do, to take a stand when you don’t know how your spouse will respond, but the alternative is terrifying.
Thanks for opening up the conversation and for sharing your story.
My perspective is a little skewed by years of abuse that “taught” me I was only good as a sexual object/to be used from a very young age.
I knew that internet porn/magazines/movies existed because of my childhood abuser, but never really understood what it was or how it affected me emotionally and spiritually until I was older.
When I was involved in my affair, he turned out to be a sexual addict/predator who preyed on me because of my neediness and childhood past. The world of porn/online forums/and hardcore S&M was exposed to me. He viewed it as a way to “teach” me. Viewing that made me feel like I HAD to be like those women in order to get a guy to love/want me. That I had to act that way, dress that way, perform that way. And that I was undesirable if I did not.
It has been a real struggle, especially as a recovering survivor of sexual abuse. You start trying anything hoping to overcome intimacy issues, and it becomes more and more frustrating and more and more addicting. Thankfully my husband and I are both in accountability (he has his own struggles with porn as well). But we can see how easy it is to “justify” it under the guise of anything goes in a marriage. That’s not the case at all..you have to honor and respect your mate, and allow NO other person in. To us, viewing other people engaged in sexual acts and lusting after them, and allowing that to arouse us, is just as bad as if that person were right there in the room. Porn allows you to focus on that other person/scenario to try and attain pleasure, instead of learning how to with your spouse.
It is very hard to view sexuality from a biblical perspective and t enjoy sex from a biblical perspective when the world is so tainted. Woman are constantly bombarded by what my husband and I call soft-porn every day…advertisements, movies, etc telling us what we should look like and act like, usually very exposed and not very modest.
Sorry for the book! You asked for honest opinions and this is something my husband and I talk about all the time.
It is very sad. And scary.
I am a librarian in a small school. I ordered Car Craft magazine for the students and what do I find in the new issue? It was the bikini issue (first ever) I did a bit of tearing out of a few pages and the cover (opps, how did that happen?) before I put it on the rack. Soft porn is problem also.
Traylor said,
“I know the shame I experienced as a Christian male who struggled in this area…often believing the lie that I was the only Christian guy who was making these awful choices over and over again. I can’t imagine the shame a Christian female must feel when they are struggling and everything that they see and read presents this as only a guy issue.”
Oh, how very, very true this is. And oh, how Satan uses this lie to keep women in silence, confusion and isolation. It worked on me, and has wreaked emotional havoc on seasons of my life for years and years. Even after opening up to 2 trusted people in my life, it has still difficult to have this in my past, and fully deal with it in the present.
Sarah, thank you for including this in your story, and for providing the resources you did. I felt like I was reading about myself in not all, but much of Crystal’s (Dirty Girls Ministry) story. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to know I’m not the only one, and that i CAN step out into the light. And yet, how tragic it is at the same time to know how many women (and men) Satan spreads his lies to and holds in bondage.
Thanks for giving the gift of “being second” as Crystal says it. You shared first so I/we could share second.
as Chad says, “Jesus will freaking rock your” and the sin of porn is no exception. unfortunately, when you’re addicted to it, there’s no easy way out… better to humble yourself and confess, get it out in the light, then to let it fester and lead to something disastrous like an affair (in know from first hand experience), as Jessica said, and forced into being humbled (again, experienced in this).
either way though, Jesus loves you enough to rescue you from it, but it just won’t be the way you want it to… it takes action on your part. so, what do you do…? stop? sure, go ahead and try… but if you don’t fill yourself with good (Romans 12:21), or run to wholeness, as Peter said, then you stay empty and invite the porn demons to come back with seven more even nastier than the first.
flee evil and RUN to Him who passionately loves you! that is why God is so angry at sin, He ROARS from Zion, He is an ALL CONSUMING FIRE… it’s because He HATES anything that pulls us away from Him and sin rips us from Him.
when He pulls us back to Him, it hurts because we are unfamliar with the touch of His hands… resist the urge to run from His painful grip, give in, and let Him love you, albeit painfully at first, but the joy comes in the morning! and oh, what Joy it is!
the only reason i have anything to say about this is because my wife and i have experienced this first hand a year ago. Today we walk in incredible freedom, joy, and love and as a result, are seeing a ‘brokenness revolution’ in our church and are praying for more!
oops, i menat to say “world”
Such a wonderful, open dialog.
Lots of thoughtful and courageous comments and i find myself particularly agreeing with Jen’s and your dad’s comments.
The Porn industry is most definitely looking for ways to improve it’s already enormous profit bottom line by reaching out to new markets and new marketing tools (to more women and via ‘cheap’ electronic dissimulation to a wider public).
Romance novels as porn for women? hmmmm – in the sense that it allows a woman to find intimacy of a kind that she feels more ‘comfortable’ with than with the usual type they might find with most of the men in their lives – quite possibly, i suppose? That it sets her up to find more failure of true intimacy with another human being – most likely. It ‘idealises’ what a man and woman ‘should’ experience in the way that Hollywood and Mills and Boone tend to portray as what we should all expect in our romantic lives – but which is rarely the way they would have us believe it is in our real lives.
Hard-core porn ‘allows’ men a way to gain personal intimacy – or to fill a ‘need’ for intimate contact – at the expense of teaching them or their learning how to be truly intimate and all that that requires of us – including the ability to be vulnerable and open to criticism.
It supports the lie that personal power over another is more important that being a servant to them. That we can better get what we as an individual wants by having power over someone else (or their image in our mind) than in giving them back their own power which is True power indeed – The kind God wields towards us.
Sadly, many women who now feel able to own more of their power in society are falling for the lie – that they become more powerful by taking it from others instead of helping others gain it for themselves.
i have heard recently that a few women are now choosing to make their living by writing and selling ‘erotic’ literature – sort of Mills and Boon meets Playboy’s letters to the editor. Erotic fantasy replacing intimate fact.
i feel this can only further add to the problem – and make true intimacy with members of the opposite sex (and of course these days with members of the same sex also) even harder for the majority to find.
<B
Have you listened to her interview on our blog? You’d probably love it.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/08/17/podcast-porn-addiction-among-women-part-1/
Oh, one more thing. Would you be interested in writing a guest post about this dynamic of your life for the Covenant Eyes blog? Email me and let me know!
thanks, Luke! also, i already mentioned to Sarah once that a blog post at Covenant Eyes would be great for her. i am glad you agree!!!
It amazes me how pervasive this problem is within the Church but NEVER talked about. I can honestly say the introduction of pornography into our marriage was the single most toxic thing I did.
Porn is like a cancer in that once it’s in the mind, it never fully goes away. The Holy Spirit keeps it at bay but if given any opportunity, it will ramp up to it’s former fervor and strength in the blink of an eye.
I hate that I brought it into my marriage but I can honestly say I have learned from the mistake and I am vigilant about it never getting its foot back in the door!!
This is the first time I have read your blog. Thank you for your openness and honesty.
I had never viewed porn until recently and then it was women on women. I am married with 3 kids. For the conversation, I would never have gone into a store to buy porn – it was totally the accessibility thing of the internet at a time when I was in a lot of pain. I can totally see how it could have developed into an addiction though, once I opened that door. My husband doesn’t use porn or struggle with that area, so it’s never been something in our marriage.
As a woman, my struggle hasn’t been so much around romance/fantasy as around sex and identity. I turned to porn for arousal and release, and beneath that was/is a lot of other stuff going on. I’m not excusing it, just saying that it seems important to look beneath the outward behaviour to see what is going on. It’s not often we sin in an area we are whole in…so if we’re not whole in this area, what’s going on?
For me, this is crucial: to be asking the question, What are the roots? I don’t want only to deal with the fruit/symptoms or more bad fruit will just pop up somewhere else; I also want God to track back to the diseased roots, to deliver and heal from where this all started, so that all the parts of my self can be brought home into Him.
Also, I wanted to say how much it has brought healing and wonder to me to see that Sarah’s dad has contributed to this, and so lovingly – how outrageous and wonderful that Sarah and Chad can have the courage to bring all this into the open, and to have such support and love from Sarah’s father in this very place. Talk about breaking taboos! You guys rock! How this demonstrates to me the Father’s compassion and covering and acceptance and love. Thank you, all of you.
Sarah,
Have been thinking about how to answer you (from my perspective). I beleive it has crossed gender lines because women (me) want to conform to the “ideal” of what attracts men. I thought that if I watched it surely I could learn to be that: sexy, attractive to my husband after all this is what he chose to look at vs the real me. How wrong I was and now thank God that I’ve come back to my walk with the Lord and am praying hw woudl be delivered from this affliction.
thank you for your post & support! you are a remarkable woman, Sarah. i am honored to walk this journey with you. <3 Crystal
I just came across your post, and very valid it is too. I provide counselling and support to people struggling with porn. Of the people who contact me, the majority are guys but a significant proportion are women.
Of these women, some have developed codependency issues after their husbands or boyfriends introduced porn into the relationship. And some have simply found themselves relying on internet porn more and more, to soothe or distract themselves from some unresolved issue in their lives.
Messages like yours display assurance and positivity from which we can all learn and benefit.