I’ve been split wide open since last week.
Your stories, your words, even your anger. It has raked me and split me. I am different than I was at the beginning of last week.
I’ve been changed by the hurt I hadn’t expected to learn about and by the stories of betrayal and deception. I’ve also been changed by your stories of life change and restoration.
My heart has been split in two by
your forgiveness
your acceptance
your understanding
your ministry to others who are hurting.
I completely underestimated how much this, how much you, would change me.
But you have to understand how scared I was. I was terrified for weeks and even the day before wondered if I should really do this. Yet, over and over again in the comments you say the words: Bravery. Courage. Boldness. And I’ve been convinced I made the right choice.
But I’m not brave. I’m not bold! I was (and still am) absolutely frightened. And if I am at all courageous, it’s because I just showed up and wrote what I needed to write.
So can courage and fear exist in the same place?
I still don’t know…
I believe you’ve proven it can.
Blessings to you, Sarah.
I don’t believe that courage is able to exist without fear. Merriam-Webster defines courage as: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. See, FEAR is in the definition of courage…even the dictionary can’t define courage WITHOUT it!
Thank you so much for your entries last week…for your FEAR and your COURAGE! It hit painfully close to home for me…almost two years past me being caught in my relationship. It is so encouraging to see another GODLY couple who has made it to the other side.
In order to have courage, you need fear…and usually at the same time! You’ve changed my perceptions on marriage, love, honesty and respect. I feel like I have a brand new friend. Thank you for opening up to the “world.” God is using you – it’s obvious.
Your story of brokenness and then redemption and restoration is such a beautiful allegory of the Cross. It gives me chills, makes me cry, and shows me the power of the God I serve.
Thank you for not hiding what He has done. You are spreading His Truth to the ends of the earth. Well done faithful servant.
One of my pastor’s used a quote in his sermon a few weeks ago that I wrote down because I loved it so much. I’m not sure if it is his or from someone else, but he said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but taking action in the presence of fear.”
Thank you for sharing your story.
What is that saying? “Courage is not the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of it” You have courage.
Your series last week, I hope will give a voice to all sides of infidelity.
Having the courage to face your fears is sometimes the most impressive and stretching courage of them all.
I think we, as Christians, often try to rank sins, by saying one sin is worse than another and since I’ve never done THAT sin, then I am, by far, a better person. Not to minimize the sin, but you have done nothing worse than me or anyone else. The difference only comes in our repentance, our countenance afterward, and our ability to flee from that sin in the future.
I sin if I judge you for what happened (I’m NOT by the way). You are forgiven by facing your fears and going before our God and your family and asking for it. Now who is the better person?
Sorry – just some ramblings from someone who has sinned, been forgiven and been judged myself. It’s not fun.
Definitely. In fact, how can you be courageous without some fear to face? Once the fear is gone, I think it’s no longer being courageous
I was just going to say what Dianne and Danielle said! Courage isn’t really possible, or an option, if there is no fear. I think they go hand in hand, and you chose to stand for courage instead of letting fear win.
Dear Sarah,
I believe it takes courage to step out onto the “field” of FEAR and show up to play.
YOU SHOWED UP!
Sometimes it is in our most fearful times, that we have the most courage because we are taken out of our comfort zone.
OBEDIENCE brings a shower of blessings; I know you are/will be getting a continual shower of blessings for your obedience.
This is where the POTTER can mold us, reshape us, and then put us into the REFINING FIRE, by His Holy Word.
Also, what comes to my mind, is a bone being broken in two. It hurts for that bone to be broken in two (just as you were all over again by telling your story) BUT, when it is healed it is much stronger than it once was. It does not get that strength immediately; it is a process. That is why you are a basket case of mixed emotions (I’m guessing). He is not done healing your brokenness.
In your flesh you ARE NOT brave, ARE NOT courageous, ARE NOT Bold….
But in the Lord, you are made NEW, and are a SHINING LIGHT of His Braveness, Courage, and Boldness.
Praise the Lord. Keep seeking the Truth when Satan whispers lies that you are unworthy. You are made worthy in HIM by the Blood of the Lamb. He sees you CLEAN and RIGHTEOUS before Him. Isn’t that awesome??!!
Love you to pieces!
Traci
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave. ~Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, 1894
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather
Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared. ~Edward Vernon Rickenbacker
Courage is a peculiar kind of fear. ~Charles Kennedy
Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~Dorothy Bernard
Courage is fear holding on a minute longer. ~George Smith Patton
without fear there can be no courage. you have modeled this perfectly. hugs
I think they absolutely must. What is courage without fear?
You absolutely are the bravest person I’ve seen in some time.
God’s best to you — You have certainly modeled His best to us.
My favorite thing about this whole story is that it cracks wide open, the ways and character of God. He is beautiful, and because of your willingness to share your story, I think more people can see that now, and will be drawn in by His kindness and most impressive grace.
People NEED to hear this story. Especially Christians. We sometimes think we are immune to this, but we aren’t. No way. Everyone needs to know reality, and also the reality of God’s redemptive grace and forgiveness.
Thanks.
if courage and fear don’t exist in the same place than i don’t know what that was i’ve been walking through the last 6 years!!
(love tricia’s quotes)
i think a healthy dose of fear makes us approach God’s calling on our life (yours to tell this story) with humility, hope, and trust in Him. it takes what is His in the first place and makes it fully His. We are so frightened that it must be out of our hands and into His. The real courage comes in doing just that. you have done that beautifully friend.
i think fear and obedience can exist together… and you have proven that fear dissipates when obedience is practiced.
God is so smiling at you.
yes maam. like joyce meyer says… “Do it Afraid”. fear makes you afraid, but courage rises to make you DO IT!!
Obviously they can.
Look at what you did with these dueling feelings….
courage is being scared to death, but doing it anyway. Philippians 4:13! You go, girl!
You did it!
Without fear there is no need for courage. How beautiful it is that when we step out in fear God is so gracious to be there as our path-to lead us to courage, understanding, revelation, healing, inspiration-just to name a few.
I love Joyce Meyer’s “Do It Afraid”. God did not promise us no fear but He did promise “My grace is sufficient”. We all feel fear-the question is do we let it paralyze us. Look at all the ministry opportunities we would miss if we did.
I have been challenged by your story of restoration and healing. What a faithful God we serve. Life happens to everyday people all of the time-it is good to know that God works in the midst of our mistakes. We don’t have to be walking a tightrope of perfection to be loved or cared for. He is working on us every minute through every situation-do we have the courage to let Him. Admitting our weakness and accepting His strength, admitting our failure and accepting His forgiveness, admitting our fears and accepting His grace.
I love you Saviour of my soul, my Daddy God-who is like you?
Courage *never* exists without fear! It is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of fear. Well done.
Absolutely, they can exist together. Maybe even born of each other? Obedience takes all the courage in the world. We have to trust a God that we can’t see/feel/touch?! Are you kidding?? He is so faithful to walk with us right through the fear and allow courage for the next step. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. You have brought glory to the Lord through your testimony.
You have opened a door that you have not walked through before. You have offered your heart, your story, your redemption to others to see. You have said to them, “it’s possible to be made whole.” You’ve declared “Greater is He who is in me…” “He is the restorer of my soul.” “Though I was weak… He became strong.”
It is in our greatest times of weakness that we get a glimpse of His mighty strength to save.
You have given a visual picture of how Jesus goes after the lost sheep… He has displayed His relentless pursuit through your story.
A heart in it’s restorative process is one of the greatest testimonies of all…..
Fear and courage together…. in my opinion is a picture of the battle between the Spirit and the flesh. The flesh says, “be afraid”.. the Spirit says, “take courage, I’ve overcome the world.” You chose the way of the Spirit. His story has been revealed in you in the midst… Not only have you stepped into an even greater level of healing, you’ve brought others with you.
It is beauty unleashed…. stunning, absolutely stunning!
I think that courage and fear CAN be at the same place. Even though God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, most of us still struggle with it…even though we are courageous in Him, and trust Him to be our source of peace and strength.
I’m trying to follow Joyce Meyer’s words…”Do it afraid!”
I would have to say that although you were understandably afraid and fearful to write the posts you did last week, your courage is the shining star (well, that and God!).
Thanks for being light and salt.
great courage – something I lack…I wrote a story from my affair that I hesitate to publish to my block out of fear people will realie what i have done….in fact i have not written since the day i flew home and told my beloved husband what I had done…not publicly. Last night I wrote a small paragraph to explain my my husband how I perceived our process of healing. He read it – looked at me and asked why I had stopped writing…said I was wasting my talent. The truth is I am fearful of what people will say if they new what I did to my love. You are my role model and give me courage. Its only ben three months and I am still picking up the pieces of myself…i dont feel as if I am a whole women yet…does that ever happen?
great courage – something I lack…I wrote a story from my affair that I hesitate to publish to my blog out of fear people will realie what i have done….in fact i have not written since the day i flew home and told my beloved husband what I had done…not publicly. Last night I wrote a small paragraph to explain my my husband how I perceived our process of healing. He read it – looked at me and asked why I had stopped writing…said I was wasting my talent. The truth is I am fearful of what people will say if they new what I did to my love. You are my role model and give me courage. Its only ben three months and I am still picking up the pieces of myself…i dont feel as if I am a whole women yet…does that ever happen?
To: Humbled Wife…. YES, you will feel like a whole woman… because it IS your reality. In His eyes you are already whole. He will invite you to see what He sees… YOU fully restored. Jesus came to heal all that was broken and bind up all that was hurting… He is the restorer of ALL things. Think of Mary Magdelene… he found her in prostitution, loved her into wholeness then allowed her to be the first one to see Him resurrected.
The way you feel is not your reality, what God says is. Your sins do not define you. They are not your identity. He has bestowed your identity. You are His pure, spotless bride. He says that He has washed you whiter than snow. He has removed your sins from you and remembers them no more. He has loved you with an everlasting love. It will never stop….
Keep writing your heart… I think you will be able to look back and see the touch of the Savior as you write… I am a huge advocate of journaling. As I look back I see His hand all over the place. His fingerprints cover my life. I see it as I write.
You will be amazed at the touch of His hands…. His fingerprints are all over you!
Julie
I’ve appreciated your posts so much, Sarah. Thank you for being humble enough to admit your own failings and allow God to use them for His glory. It’s beautiful. Truly.
Last night, I had my husband read through your recent posts and we spent quite awhile talking about ways that we can strengthen our own marriage.
Thank you.
I’m agreeing with you. I like what Katie from Pensacola said, “Do it afraid.”
That is exactly what I feel like right now. I’m still scared. Sitting right here in Starbucks. But there is also peace like I know I am doing what I am supposed to do.
Thank you for all of your amazing comments.
Thank you Julie – on courage and fear
When I sobered up and realized the shockwaves of what I done I knew I must confess to H. I was terrified. I thought honestly of stepping in front of a bus…even tried it. The flight home I prayed the plane would crash. I knew i had to tell my beloved. I was pretty sure I would lose him and my children. My family would turn from me and i would never be happy again…but I had to tell my husband. I walked through the door – kissed my children then took my husband in the back room. I collapsed before him and told him what I had done. The subsequent days were filled with him raging, returning and wanting to begin again, raging again. When he didnt kick me out I knew…I would love him forever, with more passion and fire then ever before. If we divorced I planned on loving him and winning him back…no matter what it took…i would use every interaction to be the wife I should have been and I would get him back. But he didnt kick me out, he stayed, and slowly we are rebuilding. But I find that I doubt so much of myself. Even areas i was unshakeable in before (caring for my sick child) leave me unsure and I must ask my husband if I am doing the right thing…I need to learn to trust myself again.
A scripture I recently discovered that lifts me up:
Hebrews 10: 15 – 17
15The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:
16″This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.”
17Then he adds:
“Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.”
Regarding writing – i was working on a book – a mystery about someone killing (oddly enough) adulterers…think my subconsious knew something? I was spending alot of time working on my book – so now – to return to writing even with my husbands support – is scary as I hate any time I spend away from him. i dont want him thinking I am returning to the old habits.
I start to panic if I go out to get my nails done or get coffee…whats he thinking…he doesnt trust me…he is thinking I am cheating…i have to get back i have to be next to him so he knows I am not cheating. I spend every free second trying to show him how much I love him. So I dont blog anymore and I dont crochet much…i just spend my time showing him how much I love him. I dont want to give him any reason to have doubts…
My roommate and I had a conversation about your blog last week and we’re both (I think) following your blog now. There is something about honesty and letting the let shine in on secrets that amazes me. I think we (Christians, women, humans) can learn so much when we’re honest with each other. The moments we choose to let people into our secret lives. So thanks, because your story has and is touching my heart. And I respect your ability to share your story… may you be blessed beyond measure for sharing it!
I wish I could just reach through my computer screen and hug you, Sarah. You’ve opened up and ministered to so many women through your story. Thank you for being brave sweet girl!!
Yes! You did not let your fear dictate the courageous act you performed!
You did well!
smooches,
Larie
i too am amazed at how God is using your story. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness. Maybe courage without fear is foolishness??
I agree with Lisa. I believe what you’ve done with your story was to tell it with a reverent fear of the Lord and desire and hope to help and bless others who may be going through what you went through. I applaud your courage!
I’ve been meaning to leave a comment all week about how your blog has affected me. Although I haven’t dealt with these kinds of issues in my marriage, I often allow myself “small sins” without realizing the danger that they pose. For me, one really helpful part of your post was related to the behaviors that started you down the path that ultimately led to infidelity. I am realizing again that God is a loving father who gives guidelines for our own good. What pain we bring into our lives by allowing sins which initially seem harmless. This week I’ve been thinking often of that quote “sin takes you further than you wanted to go, keeps you longer than you wanted to stay, and costs more than you wanted to pay.” I just wanted you to know that your courage in sharing has affected even people whose experience is not especially similar to yours. I am truly thankful for the work that God is doing in your life & your willingness to share it. You go girl!
Can courage and fear reside in the same place? Here’s a great quote I recently heard that I think is so true:
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
Thank you again for sharing your story.
courage without fear is leads to self dependence and if you have proved anything to us its that you are dependent upon our Lord and SAVIOR and you have have showed non believers that what they are seeking is a Savior to save them from their sins. Whatever the situation, Christ puts the courage and equally the fear in our hearts so we will trust Him every step of the way not just til we feel confident and things are good.
To Humbled Wife,
I know this. When trust has been broken it’s a chance to realize something profound… We really can’t trust a person… fully… we can only really trust God. I have experienced broken trust. I could not trust the person who broke it. I could only trust God in that person.. God in me. Healing has a process it takes… let your husband see your heart. It speaks volumes to the soul…
Things will settle down…. you will be free to come and go without those doubts racing.
In the beginning of the recovery it’s the hardest. Think of a patient who has had heart surgery. At the beginning their activities are limited… But eventually they get strong enough to start moving into more strenuous activities. It is the same with healing of the soul. At first things feel somewhat restricted, but in time, release comes… it comes in stages.
Ask God to prove your heart to your husband. Otherwise you will be placed in a performance trap, much like a gerbil wheel. You will always wonder if you’ve done enough. The truth is, God is really the only one who can prove our heart.. defend it, fight for it. protect it. Let him prove your love to your husband. Listen to His voice, follow it… in that He will heal all wounds…
I would love to dialogue with you further, HumbledWife, if you would like…. You can email me at: godsprincess1980@gmail.com or click on my name above here and visit my blog, leave me a post and I will respond to you.
Sarah, Thank you for allowing us to connect with each other…. hearts are being touched here. You’ve done a brave thing… something that has opened the floodgates for Papa God. I see Him smiling at you!
Thank you Julie for what you said to Humbled Wife. I’m sure she appreciates it. I’m amazed at what God has been doing in all of us.
YOU are brave and faithful. i know that the Lord is smiling on you as you have shared your story – His story – with us. Hugs
Sarah,
Quoting Mary Anne Radmacher … “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
Blessings,
Tessa
I love the way you write and also the theme on your blog. Did you code this yourself or was it done by a professional? I’m very very impressed.