Because you will be tempted.
Someone will look at you in that way the same morning your husband didn’t thank you for getting up in the middle of the night with the kids.
Somebody will share their heart in a way that tugs at you and you’ll want to respond in kind.
You won’t always be in love with your husband.
You will get distracted with good things like kids and church and blogging.
You will be tempted.
And this title is a little misleading because I don’t really think you can affair-proof your marriage. Not really. By now, I hope you all know that we are fallible and vulnerable at times. It’s not like baby-proofing (because we all know babies who can climb over the gate at the bottom of the stairs) or fire-proofing (at a high enough temperature, something will burn or melt).
We all are capable.
All the boundaries are good things. They are what keep you from walking down a path toward someone else or another kind of life you think you want. But boundaries are merely safeguards, not free rides to fidelity. It is the heart is that truly matters.
So forgive me if any of you have given sermons or written books about 10 ways to affair-proof your marriage or the 5 things to keep your husband faithful to you. I’m sure there are some beneficial pieces of advice there. But in all honesty I think it all boils down to one thing.
Follow close to Christ daily.
That’s it. That’s the mystery.
Both of you. If you both are walking in close relationship to God, you will be in close relationship to each other. If you are closely following Christ, attempting to allow Him to transform you on a day by day basis, you won’t want to be unfaithful to each other. There will be no need for it because Christ will be filling the needs you have and your spouse will be right there with you. Daily dying to self and becoming alive in Christ is what does it.
Your desires become God’s desires. And you won’t commit adultery.
You can live your whole life trying to safeguard your marriage. You can do all the good and right things, but there will be someone someday (if it hasn’t already happened) who will think you are attractive and tell you so. There will be someone who seems to know you better and listen in a different way. There will be a need that your husband cannot fulfill in you and it will seem like someone else can.
When the boundaries that you’ve carefully placed become habits and the fences you’ve built become the necessary routine of your life, these temptations become easier and easier to combat.
But nothing takes the place of a living, breathing daily relationship with Christ. This relationship, this following hard after Him under girds all the boundaries you’ve put into practice. The boundaries are tools to a healthy marriage; they aren’t the heart of a healthy marriage. Truly living for Christ is the only way to “affair-proof” your relationship.
All the boundaries, all the rules, are important. But love (for the two biggies: God and others) is the real rule. Love God and you will do what is right for your marriage.
What do you think? Do you agree? Do you disagree? Why?
Let’s have a discussion today.
This is such good advice – and I think it can be applied to resisting the temptation to commit any sin. If you are walking close to God and looking for his will in your life you are far less likely to give in to temptation. I’m pretty newly married (just over a year) and we don’t have any kids. It’s easy for us at the moment – we have plenty of time and energy for one another. This makes it easy to remember that our marriage and relationship are gifts from God – that he has planned out and nurtured over the last few years. Getting into the habit of thinking this way is something that I think will help us later. It helps us put an even higher value on our relationship.
I agree. It makes common sense!
If I are walking with God and authentically working at being dead to self, then I will not hold my husband to certain expectations because I would know that he, nor any other man, can fulfill all of my needs. Only God can & will do that.
smooches,
Larie
Totally agree!
Thanks for the reminder.
Brilliantly put. And it applies not only to affairs, but almost every struggle we face as humans. Being in close communion with Christ prevents us from commiting sin of any kind. Period. Those moments that we sin are the moments that we choose to step out of fellowship. The only exclusion is the sin of others that effects our lives. And although being in close communion with Christ may not prevent the sinful actions of others, it will give you the grace, strength, and wisdom to deal with it. Brilliantly put.
“Follow close to Christ daily.” So true. Thank you.
Great and practical advice!!! THANKS!
Sarah, I just blogged about this very thing last night. When you are continually at the foot of the cross the devil cannot reach you or your marriage! If we put on the whole armor of God we will STAND! Thank you for continuing to challenge and bless.
Good stuff, my friend! Sometimes it is just going back to the basics… sitting at Christ’s feet, daily!
Hugs,
Traci
So true. Only Christ can fill our deepest longings. If we distance ourselves from Him – those longings are still there just waiting, wanting to be quenched. So, we’ll look to get them fulfilled in the WORLD where-ever, however that may pan out.
I’m musing along these same lines this week… Come visit!
-h
I agree with you, Sarah. I try to walk with Christ daily and have made some changes in the way I live my life as a result. I have set up some boundaries that fall in line with loving God and following His commandments. However, my struggle now is my spouse. He’s the one who had an affair; he’s the one who’s out in the world daily; and he’s the one whose walk with Christ I pray for. While no one can truly know another’s relationship with our Lord, the lack of church attendance and the lack of family prayer time are signs.
All I can do is continue my own walk with Christ and pray for dh’s. But, as I’m sure you know, it’s difficullt. Thank you for your honesty.
Sarah, I may not be a married woman but I completely agree with you. I see it in my friends who have gotten married in the last year (5 couples total) and you can see the difference between the couples who are part of a three-fold cord (God, the husband and the wife) and those who are not. For me, it is also a reason why I have yet to marry. God has created a high standard for my husband and I am holding to that standard because I see what a God-centered marriage looks like and I want nothing less. And it’s not that I don’t know there will be temptation but because I know that if God is the center of my family’s world, I will be less likely to be deceived. As a single woman, I have set up boundaries for myself and I constantly re-evaluate them to make sure that the boundaries I have are based on God’s word and not my past mistakes and hurts.
Sarah, thank you for sharing everyday.
Amen. This is the only truth to resisting temptation. Been there, failed miserably but stand redeemed. Thanks for putting my thoughts into the perfect words.
thanks sarah.
I am not being tempted in that way right now, but I am in a marriage that is suffering and perhaps even failing. After 17 years, my husband is still my best friend, but we are having more and more conflicts and we do not fulfill one another in certain ways that we both need. I am/will pray on this and I am taking steps to get closer with God. But, is it realistic to think so much can be fixed through prayer? Can two God-centered Christians just grow apart and realize that some things can’t be fixed? All I want is peace for my family and to feel happy again. My husband does too. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…
Steph – I think every believer goes through periods of dark or dry times. Every Christian has times when it’s just hard. But that doesn’t mean we give up on Christ altogether. We keep pressing forward and doing what we know to be right. The same is true with marriage. We are in covenant relationships that need to be kept sacred even when we don’t feel like enduring. Two people who truly want to see Gods will in their marriage and allow God to change them as He sees fit will inevitably be drawn closer to Him. Sometimes the way God “fixes” us isn’t the way we would have planned it ourselves. I know people drift apart. But asking God to knit you back together and then being prepared to let Him do His work is the key here.
Thank you so much for commenting. And thanks for listening to my opinion. I will pray for you today, Steph.
Oh, how this resonates with me.
I never thought that I would be one to even think of straying, but then he defended me. He fought for me in a way that my husband never has, and I fell so hard for him.
It was an emotional affair, a very brief one, but still, I strayed. I sinned.
My daily death is to bitterness and anger. After years of verbal abuse, I feel certain that God has called me to marriage with this man. I just have to remind myself on a daily basis that this is my call.
Whitney – I think the other comenters might agree with this bit please be careful when it comes to abuse. If you are still in an abusive relationship please seek professional help. I don’t have a lot of experience in that but I do know that abuse is never alright. I hope that you can find someone in your community to help.
Thank you so much for sharing. I will be praying for you today.
I agree. I thought God was expecting me to put up with abuse and that was not His plan. I’m not sure if it’s OK to post other links here? Please let me know if it’s not, Sarah! I endured emotional abuse from my then husband and I found help at http://www.godsavemymarriage.com and their forum, where helpers responded to my questions, at http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards
I tell people of these sites because this ministry stands with women against the abuse, with the goal of restoring their marriages to harmony. Mine was not restored, but only because of extreme choices my husband made. God does not force someone else to change, He can only invite them.
Whitney, I agree with the other ladies. Seek counsel, seek help. God does not expect us to live in abusive situations. Seeking God will make walking this path easier, but there are other things you can do as well. I will pray for you. May God bless you abundantly.
so “simple” and so true. i love you speaking truth about the beautiful thing of marriage.
“And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.’” Matthew 22:37-38
Thank you Sarah
Nicely put. I’ve said this about Chris: “When he’s walking in the Spirit, I trust the Spirit in him.”
Right you are about our fallibility as humans. It could happen to any of us.
Stay close to God. Good stuff.
Great post, Sarah!
I think it is imperative for all of us to daily see our desperate need for Christ and stop spending so much energy pretending to have it all together.
When we get legalistic, we start minimizing sin. When we minimize sin, grace is no longer amazing.
Whether we would like to admit it or not, most of us have a heirarchy of sins. For so many Christians I have met there is almost a sense of pride that they would NEVER commit adultery or one of the “big” sins. I have found that I am most susceptible when I think I am not susceptible.
Thanks for the reminder this morning that He is my strength…not my willpower of ability to manage a reputation.
Traylor
Beautifully written!
SO true. Darkness cannot live where there is light. Thank you for making it simple again- because it is. It isn’t easy, but its simple.
i currently have a use-to-be-friend (it’s a long sad story, but i still care for her very much) who believes she is following close to Christ, and believes that God has given her permission to leave her husband and to be in a relationship with a new man. she has been on her knees in prayer and believes this is God’s will for her. it is obvious to those around her that she is being flat out deceived, and falling for it. so honestly i don’t think walking close with Jesus is enough, because we are fallible as people, and often without knowing it make Jesus to fit who we are, instead of changing ourselves to fit who he is.
so i think we must also form relationship with someone here, someone who genuinely loves us in Christ, and want’s His best for us. who gains the right to walk around in our heart, a mentor or friend, who has permission to speak God’s truth into our lives, whether we like it or not. we must give up our right to ourselves, be vulnerable, let go of pride (hard one), and seek Truth.
I’m sorry about your friend, Denise. She’s lucky to have a friend like you.
I agree with you too; living, breathing never-give-up friends who speak truth are vital. =)
You hit the nail on the head Sarah. What you are describing is the difference between God’s plan of law vs. grace. Yes, boundaries (rules) have their place and will give us a measure of success. But the real victory over anything ungodly is thinking and feeling about a matter the way God does (heart). That comes from connection to Him. And even that requires an ocean of His grace.
Love this, amazing how simple is truly can be…
Sarah,
Great post! I actually hadn’t gotten to it yet today, but my wife forwarded it to me from her subscriber email. Great stuff. It’s stuff that her and I have talked about before.
I agree with you in that there is no such thing as “affair proofing” a marriage. One, I have worked with, and know plenty of couples who had taken those steps, but still ended up in an affair. It’s almost as if the process of full-proofing the marriage left them more vulnerable and naive to attack, or the subtleties that they hadn’t expected. Second, life just isn’t that clean and easy.
I agree in boundaries whole-heartedly, and I think they are necessary. They help remove some of the temptation, or rather, help lessen some of the opportunities. But at heart is really a matter of the heart as you state. It’s about being in right relationship with God; it’s about realizing that one person (your spouse) can’t fill all your needs and will let you down on occasion. Rather, you will let each other down.
I think we would like to believe that we can full-proof things because it makes us feel more secure, and we are hoping that if we do those things, we can remove the risk. Man, I so wish that were true.
Besides boundaries, which my wife and I discuss and continue to alter and change and evaluate, we strive to have open dialogue about our marriage; where we are at; what we are struggling with; if we are not happy in a certain area, etc. They can sometimes be scary talks for couples…I get that. But very helpful in staying connected.
It’s the choice between burying your head in the sand to avoid conflict and hurt and tough discussions, and choosing to be honest with one another, etc.
Alright…enough rambling.
Rhett
Thanks, Rhett. As always, articulate and your words are great resources for my readers.
Sarah I agree with you. In 2008 I became a born-again Christian *AS* I was having an emotional affair with a Christian man. I left and divorced my husband for him. Of course it didn’t work out with the 2 Timothy 3:6 Christian man but my salvation STUCK, Praise the Lord!
When I got saved I started reading the bible and “God hates divorce” clanged loudly but I was determined to set up house with this Christian guy and have our great bible-based marriage so I convinced myself it was all from God and I left for greener pastures.
Now I’m a Christian “single” and the dating scene is horrible, I’ve given up and its been tough to not hate myself, be guilt-ridden, and sometimes I think I’ll just be alone forever because I deserve just that.
I felt so great, alive, vibrant with that guy so I left my boring, unappreciative, yet tried and true husband. I got what I ‘wanted’ and it stinks!
N – Thanks so much for sharing and being honest. I am so sorry that you find yourself where you are, but do praise God with you that your salvation has “stuck.” Sounds like He has used this crisis to bring you to Him. My wife is on a course very similar to yours. We have been divorced for just over two months. I became “born-again” a year ago when she made the announcement that she wanted out. When God found me, He also made it clear to me that I am to stand in the gap for my spouse regardless of what happens, for as long as it takes. In the meantime, He is doing an amazing work in me while I trust Him with the outcome. Is this God’s call for you as well? Only you can answer that question for yourself. Just know that God can restore what seems to be impossible to restore. From what you have shared about your story it bears some similarities with Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs’ story. Search youtube for their video testimony, and read their book entitled, “I Do Again.” Also watch Traylor Lovvorn’s divorce/remarriage story at his website at http://traylorlovvorn.com Tray comments here frequently. Marriage restoration even after divorce is not too big for God to handle. Read all you can about “covenant” and its true meaning and endurance in God’s eyes. Lastly, great encouragement for “standers” can be found at http://www.rejoiceministries.org http://www.faithandmarriageministries.org and http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org Feel free to email me at rainer.seitz@hotmail.com if you have any questions. God bless you as you seek His will in your life.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt…
BECAUSE of the dark times in my life God’s Grace is so much more real to me now than it ever was or could have been before.
Jerry Bridges in his book “The Disciplines of Grace” says,
“We MUST uphold Christ in the gospel, we MUST learn the proper relationship of dependence and personal discipline, we MUST make a commitment to holiness and we MUST deelop Bible-based convictions…We practice these disciplines, NOT to earn favor with God, but BECAUSE they are the means God has given us to pursue holiness.” (emphasis mine)
Thank you Sarah, for your always encouraging posts…
I totally agree with your well put wisdom! And I’d like to take it a step further..In running hard after Christ, both husband and wife, I believe we will not only experience an affair proof marriage but we will have JOYFUL marriages the way God intended when he fist created man and woman. A oneness, a safe place where love and respect abound between one man and his wife. After all isn’t that what Christ came to give us, life in abundance.
Totally agree, lets all pray in unity for Jesus to reveal himself to spouses who do not know Him and for marriages to be restored on the solid rock of Christ.
I wholeheartedly agree, Ellie. Thank you for mentioning this.
One husband one wife together forever!
My feelings exactly: FOLLOW CLOSE TO CHRIST DAILY. If He is filling our “love tank”, we won’t be pursuing fill-ups from illegitimate sources. Great post!
I agree that a relationship with Christ is paramount to finding the right guidance through life’s struggles and temptations; but I would also hesitate to say that is ALL you need. I would not discount the importance of being taught biblical truth through a church, living in authentic community with other believers, and being real with those close to you who can help you discern “lies” from “truth.”
Sadly, walking in the word closely does not always equate for everyone.
When I was first reading the bible years and years ago, I interpreted what I wanted to gain from it– my heart had not changed; but I didn’t realize that until a precious friend mentored me for almost a year and helped me see that I was not saved. And led me to Christ- a true relationship with Christ. I shudder sometimes at my ignorance then.
I was also involved in an affair with a very seemingly upstanding Christian who was very charismatic when he spoke about God, read the bible every day, and was a well-respected leader in the church. He was also a sex addict/predator.
I know my case is extreme; but just issuing a word of caution.
Blessings to all!
Thank you Lindsey. I think you are right; there are always exceptions (especially when one person PROFESSES a good relationship with Christ but does not have one).
We appreciate the word of caution.
Wow, Sarah. I’m listening closely. Really closely. Drew and I are returning to a million distractions in Georgia. A million familiar people. A million responsibilities – pressures – commitments. Relationships. He and I are hoping to hold closely to one another as we return… And, I hear you. To do that we need to hold closely to Christ. Thank you.
Great wisdom here Sarah. Thank you. And with multitude distractions and uber important things to get done in the next few months as we prepare to move across the globe, a timely reminder of priorIties
Definitley COMMUNICATION… How do we know what the other wants if we don’t communicate how we feel, what we need.. etc. =) I myself struggle with that daily..
This. Is. Awesome.
Thank you.
I agree wholeheartedly, Sarah. There are so many great books out there about steps you can take to defend your marriage. But having an authentic, daily, vibrant relationship with the God who made you is the foundation. Without that, those other bricks have a hard time holding together.
It really is that simple. And that hard.
I waited all day to read this so I’d have time to comment. And it was well worth the wait. I agree – in the short time I’ve been committed to following Him, I’ve grown so much closer with my husband. Amazing
I think you’re giving the best advice here.
Nothing can keep marriage alive if it does not come from God.
Those temptations can only be defeated by God.
i couldn’t agree more with what you said, dear…as well as the strong words by so many…
life truly is about abiding IN Jesus…TOGETHER…only then & with some pain, suffering & time will our hearts be turned more & more toward Jesus & toward one another.
in this safe place…close to Jesus’ Own heart, we will continue to become who we need to be as well as remain near the help we will certainly need as temptations & circumstances arise.
i saw a quote the other day, “while it is true that no weapon formed against us will prosper…weapons WILL be formed against us.” our enemy will NOT leave us alone, but Jesus will defeat him every time we ask.
love you,
dad
Great to read through your post and the comments too. I’m passionate about marriages being all God intended them to be – and I’m very grateful for my wonderful husband and how God is growing us together.
)
I just wanted to share that I’m reading an awesome book which ties in so well with this: Every Woman’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge. A must read for every woman I’m thinking!! And yes, the focus is on our relationship with God! And it covers the temptations we face as women. Fantastic!
Also have you come across the Fireproof/Love Dare resources. Fantastic!!
God Bless you!
Sarah,
I couldn’t agree more. Setting boundaries can be a helpful exercise, and provide a basis for discussion, but everything starts in the heart, and it’s the heart that needs to be close to Jesus every day. Thanks for your wise words. You have a wonderful ministry happening here.
Blessings,
Rachel W
I focus a lot on safeguarding my marriage. And I would never have said that’s a bad thing. I just realize now, after reading this, how ineffective it may have been at times. I thank God that the enemy didn’t send anyone at that time to test my human defenses. What was I thinking? If I want to build gates with my own hands, that’s great. But they better be around my hedge of thorns, Jesus. He is my only true protection! *slaps head*
Take every thought captive…that’s where it all begins…with a thought. So simple, but can be so hard.
I appreciate these words of wisdom, but what if your relationship with God is no longer viable? What if you’ve been a Christian for decades and tried really hard to put all this stuff into practice, and all you heard was silence? What if “putting Christ first” in everything means that you’re just banging your head against a wall that might not even be there?
I’ve tried for years and years to have a relationship with God, but after decades of silence and striving desperately to “get it” like all my Christian friends seem to, I’ve come to the point where I’ve just given up. I’m glad that it works for other people, and I respect their opinions, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
So when your marriage relationship sucks, and you’ve been told all your life just to “leave it at the foot of the cross”, well, that just adds insult to injury (for me at least).
Wendy -
I’m so sorry that your marriage is hurting. I’m sorry that you are hurting. and I’m sorry that other Christians have given you “one sentence answers” and then walked away.
that’s not at all how the body of Christ should work.
and I don’t think its as easy as “leaving it at the foot of the cross”. sometimes it’s a lot more difficult than that.
I won’t tell you to “just trust God” but I will ask you to keep asking Him to speak to you, to show Himself to you. And then watch for Him. He will be faithful.
i’m so encouraged that you shared your thoughts and your heart here. thank you.
This is a great post – but I must say that it creeped me out a little bit. I’ve been married for over 7 years and we have two kids – and I certainly haven’t always felt “in love” and I expected that…
But I don’t like knowing that someday he will WANT to cheat – or that I will. And that the only reason we won’t is Christ (not a bad thing AT ALL – but it would make me feel better if he never thought another woman would be better for him than me). I can swallow the fact that he might want to leave – but I don’t like thinking of him wanting to cheat.
I know it’s not realistic – but reality turns my stomach a little bit.
Your insight is excellent though – and reassuring.
Katie,
I didn’t mean to creep you out. =)
I’m not saying that all men (or women) will want to cheat on their spouses, just that NONE of us is above being tempted. Being initially attracted or drawn to someone is not wrong, but camping on that feeling, going forward with it or allowing it to dwell in your thoughts, that’s wrong.
so your husband, if he’s a normal guy, he’s attracted to women. my husband is too. but it depends on what he does with that initial feeling.
this is just my opinion (mixed in with a bit of experience) and I’m not trying to scare anyone, but instead help people understand that our marriages are in a constant war zone. we can never really sit back and be “safe”.
thank you for sharing, katie.
Informative introduction for newbies like me! Waiting to come back for your next post.