Believe it or not, once upon a time I used to be really in shape.
I’d spend hours (you read that correctly) in the gym not trying to lose weight (I’d already done that) but trying to build muscle and tone my body. One hour of cardio and then one or more hours of weight lifting EVERY day. I’d usually take one day off a week. Let’s just say I was overtraining. But for a very short amount of time, I had great muscle definition and a low body fat percentage.
The amount of time and energy I poured into this was deafening. I’d arrange my day and my life around my gym time. If I took time off or my schedule was interrupted for something (vacations, illness, etc) within the first week I’d notice a distinct difference in my fitness. Mainly, my muscle tone. I know it sounds silly, but it’s true.
And then when I got pregnant with my first daughter taking months off of the gym, was when I really began to notice the atrophy.
Atrophy: the degeneration of something from disuse.
A few months’ vacation from calf raises and squats and all of a sudden my legs felt like jello. Some time off from curls and I couldn’t see my biceps any longer. Triceps? They were the first to go. To keep it up, I would have had to spend nearly the same amount of time devoted to exercise and weight lifting for the rest of my life.
Now, I’ve settled into a routine of working out when I can, jogging a few miles a few mornings a week and squeezing in squats and lunges at the kitchen sink. I no longer have triceps that I can see or definable quads. I simply don’t have the time (or the motivation) to spend 14 hours a week in the gym.
Anything atrophies if we stop using it. Including relationships. Especially relationships.
Marriages and friendships are either getting better or getting worse. There is no hover posture for relationships.
We are either taking steps to repair, restore and increase closeness and intimacy, or we are not. And when we do not, it begins to atrophy. The relationship loses effectiveness and impact.
Of course there are natural times for relationships to cycle in and out of uber-excitement and crazy joy (read: my time off from the gym for pregnancy). That’s just life.
But, I don’t want to get flabby in my friendships or my relationships with my daughters. I don’t want to lose my intimacy with my husband. I want to fight this. It seems like a lot of work, right? It is. I can’t lie. There isn’t any one-word fix for it, or “Eight Steps to Intimacy” e-book I can send you.
I can’t ignore the needs of my husband for months and expect our relationship to be at the same place it was. I can’t. I can’t put off my daughter’s requests for time spent with her just one-on-one and hope that our relationship will be better for it. I need to pour time and energy, at a deafening intensity maybe, into the relationships I deem important if I want them to flourish.
Unless you don’t want them to flourish. Unless you want to be flabby. In which case you will be.
You won’t get fit by sitting on the couch.
How do you fight relationship atrophy?
Tags: children, Christian, marriage, muscles, relationships
I needed to read this. Not because it was on my mind. But because relationships were. And this helped explain the direction mine are headed.
“I need to pour time and energy, at a deafening intensity maybe, into the relationships I deem important if I want them to flourish.” I couldn’t agree more!! It’s something many people don’t realize. It’s something even people who realize have a hard time living out, like me. But I am setting the day aside to set my goals, and then start making them happen. Do I want to be close to so and so? Then I must do it with time.
Is there such thing as “Selective Atrophy?” I have a feeling there is, and I do not like it; I want to stay friends with everyone who enters my life. However, I have put 4 years worth of cardio into this one relationship, and, the results are negative-Ouch that hurts, to admit. Maybe, God has someone else in mind to witness to her? ….
Deep in Prayer.
Reese
you are SO right…active pursuit is our only option unless we want our relationships to die…
my goal has been to fall in love again with your mom at least once every few months…i actually TRY to do that…
so far, it has happened quite regularly…she IS amazing!
so are you!
love,
dad
Dang that’s good.
I fight atrophy by living my life so I won’t have any regrets. I still do, from time to time, but I at least try. I’m at least aware.
Sometimes when the boys are laughing and being too loud for my tastes, I stop, ponder, think, wonder, hope that I will remember these days and then I sit down and enjoy them. All of their dirty, little boy selves.
I love your Dad’s comment:)…. It is very difficult to hold that intimacy with all the people you desire, especially when so many days I wake up wanting to be selfish. I want to just “take care of myself” today, and really, I just end up not investing in any one else. And really, the “time to myself” didn’t really help me, what would have helped me is spending time with the Lord, who renews me, and sets my mind on Him, and His purposes, which are to love on those around me, and then all of the sudden, I have the will, the motivation, the passion, the time, and the energy to invest in them all. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
This hits home.
So true!!
I’m in atrophy right now. More because our focus is on a struggling child, but I get this. Also, your Dad is adorable…love that comment!
awesomeness
Imagine you’re juggling. When you’re younger, you only have to manage a few balls or apples or whatever to be accomplished. When you’re older, you have a lot more things to juggle. The thing about getting atrophied, is you have to prioritize. If you give 100% to everything 100% of the time, you’ll burn out. Unless you’re wiser than me and you lean on God for 100% and let him do the juggling act
Sarah, I’m a fairly recent fan of your blog, and I just wanted to say you inspire me so much. Your reflections are so often just what I need to think about- even though I’m not married with kids. I hope you don’t mind that I quote you fairly often.
God bless you for your courage and authenticity in sharing your faith and daily life.
Hey Cool Name!
I was born “Lauresa” … Nick Name -Reese
Have a great evening.
Wow! This hit home with me….my marriage seems to be getting a little flabby of late. Not bad, not fighting, just lazy and not plugged in. Need to start doing a little heavy lifting….thanks for the reminder =)
Excellent post and definitely hits home for me. I have let my relationship with the Lord atrophy and need to put the time in to renew that. However, I noticed no one has really answered your question of how to fight the atrophy. The answer is time of course. For me the bigger question is how to put the time in to multiple relationships and things. I need to put time into my relationship with my Lord, my husband, my parents, my grandparents, my sister, my close friends and put time into yes, working out, community service, church service, homekeeping, finance, etc., etc. HOW do I do all of that with the limited time that I have? Something is going to get the short end of the stick for sure. Thoughts?
i know. all of our time is limited and i struggle with this EVERY DAY! seriously.
i think it’s just putting things in the right order. and then being okay if the non-essentials in essence, become non-essential. example, my house is rarely tidy. we are clean, but not very tidy. so that’s how it pans out for us.
i don’t know. this is my daily fight, i feel like.
Thanks for replying. It’s good to know that it is not just me who struggles with these things. I have to say, working out usually falls into “non-essential” for me! I think you’re right, it is a daily balance. Some days I do better than others.
In Dr. Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” he tells a story of someone who approached him after a seminar to say that he (the audience member) agreed with what Dr. Covey had said about putting first things first, but that it was difficult in his marriage because he just didn’t feel “in love” anymore. Dr. Covey’s advice: LOVE HER. The guy replied that he just didn’t feel it. Dr. Covey made an important point: “Love Her. Love is a verb. We think of it as a feeling, but it is an action, a verb.” (I am paraphrasing Dr. Covey because I don’t have the book at hand, but this is the point he made.)
Seems your Dad has captured that. I pray we all can learn to Love– to make it the central, active verb of our lives.
“We are either taking steps to repair, restore and increase closeness and intimacy, or we are not. And when we do not, it begins to atrophy. The relationship loses effectiveness and impact.”
You found words for what’s happening in my life when I’ve failed to. I’m not sure how to fight it. I think sometimes the atrophy goes on unnoticed and relationships reach a point beyond repair.
I especially find this true of my relationship with God. When I allow that to atrophy, the relationships I have with others around me soon follow.
Thank you for the insight!
I can effectively fight it by not working on the blog so much. Which means I blog less. Which means I have to be okay with the decision. When my focus is on my children and my husband, they respond. And if the blog takes a hit, so be it. I want my legacy to be a happy, emotionally healthy household, and not just the words about my dream of it.
This is why I am so glad that I got married late. I was too selfish and too relationally flabby to work at a marriage prior to 30.
The relationship with my husband takes my energy-priority. That means that I have to let go of some things, but God gives me amazing peace about these decisions.
Thanks for these words, very true.
Hi Sarah!
Every week I highlight a quote or words of wisdom that inspire and/or challenge me. I loved this post so much that I quoted you on my “monday musings” post this week.
Hope you have a spooktacular Halloween with your sweet family!
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