I got angry yesterday. I stamped my foot, crossed my arms, packed up my dolls and went home.
It was at another mom on the playground who spoke harshly to my three-year-old without my permission. Because really, aren’t I the only one allowed to speak in that tone of voice to my own children?
Right.
I don’t know why I got so angry. In my intial ten-second, in-the-moment self-analysis, I chalked it up to defensiveness. I was defending my child from the hang-ups of some other over-tired, talking-on-her-cellphone mom.
Now I realize that it was anger.
And then a few minutes later one of her other children waltzed right up to us (as we were packing up to go home) and said something else deserving of a true open-mouthed gape. Like mother like daughter, I thought.
And so we left.
My passive-aggression at work: I made a point to pack up our things and leave to try to make a statement (as if she cared). We’re leaving because you are mean so maybe now you’ll realize how silly you sound…
More like, how silly I LOOKED.
My point: all day I tried to figure out something else to write for my post for Tuesday. I even started another draft. Usually by late afternoon the day before I have the idea solidly in place.
But I kept coming back to this angry mom from Monday.
Ugh.
So here I am, telling you all that I acted like a selfish two-year-old at the playground. Because she made me so angry, I decided to punish my own daughter by removing us both from the situation.
Like mother like daughter? I do things like this, however minor in the grand scheme, but significant when stacked up over years. I teach my daughters to act the same way I do, like angry-mom taught snotty-daughter. I will teach this even if I try not to.
The only solution? Retrain myself to be different. Not to get angry at things like this. Treat others the way I want my girls to treat their friends. Be the woman that I want my daughter to grow up to be someday.
Like mother like daughter: rather than anger and defensiveness, love and grace and forgiveness.
Do you need to retrain yourself in something? Do you get angry easily?
Tags: anger, daughters, examples, mothering confessions, playground
I do get angry easily. Then of course, like you, I evaluate myself and the situation and realize that I messed up. However, I then place blame on my childhood saying that I do not know how to “be a mom.”
I ask myself, what example do I have? How do I act in a way that provides a good example for my children? What can I do to NOT repeat my childhood?
smooches,
Larie
When it comes to my children, yes, I get angry easily. I did this same thing at church Sunday. A children’s ministry picnic. Kids playing on the playground. I come around the corner and catch a child kicking Ethan in the crotch (it just landed there) and almost lost it. I then yelled loud enough for the other child to hear me…his sister and grandfather also heard me. They apologized to me and Ethan. I still felt like a heel. I need to take a deep breath sometimes and THINK before I react. I think it’s a mom thing, but there’s really no excuse for my behavior.
I’ve been working really hard lately on restraining myself….I struggle with whining at my kids when I’m angry. Really, why should I expect them to not whine when I do it myself? I’ve tried to get them to memorize “do everything without complaining”….interesting now I’m really the one who needs to hide that word in my heart since they’re learning how to whine from me!
I still think you did the best you could under the circumstances…
and wow, does your daughter look like you or what ?
Oh, yes, been there and done that. Sometimes it seems as though leaving the situation is easier for me than causing a scene, not realizing that my leaving is causing a scene as well. It is that Mama Bear instinct!
Wow, does this come back to haunt you when your teenagers are learning to drive! I have had a bad habit of making attacks on another driver’s “perceived” character and/or intelligence when they aggravate me. It kills my soul to hear my children do the same thing…I know who they learned it from. I am trying to say things in my head or better yet, make up some story about why that driver did the thing they did.
My need to give an opinion on events around me gets me in trouble..I do not need to editorialize the events. I find, even when I talk to myself about a situation, it gets worse than it actually was. I find the self talk only heightens the situation and for some reason, I feel more justified in my anger. That travels to other areas of my day..totally unnecessary!
My motto lately has been to speak life in to a situation and particularly into people. I would want the same…
I too struggle with this one–and sometimes when I listen to my daughter, or see the face she makes at times–it’s like looking in the mirror. I know where she gets it from, and I know I desperately have to retrain myself to be a better role model for her–all the time, no matter what. Things happen and you did your best. . .evaluated the situation, and now you have another way to handle a similar situation if it ever happens again, right? Blessings to you today!!
Yes! and Yes!
Thank you for helping me to no feel so alone. I love my friends and I thank God for them (literally, almost everyday), however sometimes I feel so ugly (on the inside, which hurts more than when I feel ugly on the outside) and I feel like if they knew me on the inside, they would run. I am angry, impatient, lose self-control, whiney and I could go on, but you get the idea. While I am at it, thank you for reminding me of hope, the hope I have in Jesus to create in me a new heart.
Thank you.
I have been reading your blog for a little while now, and I too wonder sometimes what the best approach to these situations are. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it. You did what you felt was best, you didn’t snap at the mom or her daughter- and I wouldn’t say you were punishing her by taking her out of there. I would say it was the best for both of you. You wouldn’t have had anymore fun there with the ickies that were still there and neither would she.
You were both going to a safer environment; I would chalk this one up to a teaching moment for you and your daughter- about what precipitated the outburst from the other mom, and talk with her about why you left, etc. And maybe if something in the future like this happens- you could stop and respond lovingly to the child/mother… and say a quick prayer before you speak- God soften her heart/ears, and put the words in my mouth that you’d have me say.
Hmmm… This is an interesting scenario. I think that there are two things in play here:
1.) 100 years ago we would accept it and not think twice about it, because everyone was involved in raising the children in the community. It meant that children learned different ways of being in the world than what the parents could/would/knew how to teach them. It meant that sometimes they learned things that their parents may not have wanted them to learn yet, requiring more family conversation around the matter. Often, however, the child took the feedback and didn’t even think twice about it.
I too, have asked other people’s children to change their behaviour if it affected me or those around me. I am careful to put it in polite, simple terms and to describe how that behaviour crosses my boundaries. I would not allow an adult to hit me, why would I allow a child to?
2.) Obviously I do not know all of the nuances of the situation and leaving may have been the most appropriate way of dealing with this but… consider what may have changed had you asked the woman what she had witnessed that she felt warranted a comment. OR (even if you disagreed with her)… Thanking her for her care in making sure that all of the children play nicely together (or whatever it was that she felt needed to change). OR – Tell her that that is not a rule in your family and your daughter didn’t know that she had crossed a boundary and that you apologize… etc.
I think that we often jump to conclusions and assume the worst about people. (I know that I struggle with this one.) But what if we were to think the best of them instead. What if her conversation (on her mobile) was with a friend who was having a crisis or a family member had been hurt… there are so many scenarios that can cause us to act and react in ways that do not make any sense to those around us.
I am not a christian but I do believe in the inherent good in all of us. I believe that we all want to be good in the world but sometimes hurt in our lives can make us forget for a short time.
I also do believe that it takes a village to raise a child. At no point in our history did we depend on only the mother and father to raise the children. So does that mean that we create a specific community and only allow our children to be within that community or do we allow our children to learn life lessons outside of that…?
Please, I do not mean to offend, only to bring about another way of looking at this…
KC
you didn’t offend. thanks for sharing. but it was the TONE not the telling.
i have no problem with other mothers (or myself with other children) helping kids get along on the playground. not at all.
but she didn’t ask nicely. not at all. there was definite irritation and anger in her voice which bothered me.
regardless, i shouldn’t have gotten ruffled myself, which is my point here.
Hi KC – I saw your pingback and I tried to respond on your blog but I don’t think your comments are open.
I appreciate that my post/ your comment was “inspiration” for a post of your own. And I read it.
I don’t disagree with you at all. However, there were reasons I didn’t share all the details of the situation. I totally agree with other moms helping keep children in line on the playground. I do it with other children too. But I think what was so difficult was that she yelled at my daughter without giving her (or me) time to right her own wrong. it was the yelling, not her telling.
i don’t think that’s alright. that’s all. i’m sorry that seems judgmental to you. i just don’t think there is just cause for another mother yelling at my daughter a split second after the “wrong” was perpetrated.
please believe me that i TRULY appreciate your opinion. i’m glad that not everyone agrees.
Seriously!! This is a hard one for me!! I would have done the same thing!
I am with you……I cannot tolerate other people telling my own kids what to do, much less getting angry at them, when I AM RIGHT THERE!!!!
whew!!
it is so hard emotionally,mentally, even physically, for me NOT to react this way sometimes!!!!
When it is in the moment I would have done what you did! Im not quite sure how to handle those situations! If you get a good idea let me know!
If it is not in the moment, I have given myself the permission to not give an answer right away (if I can). Give myself 24 hrs to really think about it. It has saved me a lot of times.
Mmm. yes. We teach whether we mean to or not. That’s a hard lesson for a mom to keep in mind. I learn it over and over everytime my four year old wags his finger just like me or scolds his toys or burps like his dad. Yea, some lessons are more fun than others.
Um, YEAH! I get angry easily especially when it concerns my children. The Mama Bear comes out. Sadly, I also get angry at my children. I pray for patience because I am seriously lacking in that category.
Oh, I agree with the last commenter. I’m not an angry person, but the one that gets me the most angry is my daughter (and she’s not even two yet), and I want to slap myself and remind myself how little she is, and how BIG I am, and that I’m the one that should be in control here. I REALLY need to practice more patience. Thanks for sharing, and hopefully you won’t have any more days stolen by this Mama bear anger!
I have been in total retrain mode for several months now and it is hard stuff! I can relate (again) to this post. I am working on being slow to anger, quick to forgive…radical acceptance at its best.
I think I’m mad for you Sarah!! I’ve been there, and been just as frustrated/angry. And it’s probably not what you want to read, but sometimes I stay away from playgrounds with the kids because I’m the one who can’t handle the other mommies… I dread thinking about the kids being in school simply because of the other moms. Is that awful?
I would have stomped up to her and asked who she thought she was. I’ve spent a lifetime of getting walked all over because I was taught not to stand up for myself in the name of “grace” and “humility” and all of those other things that we take way out of proportion as Christians. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with standing up for yourself or your children, but as you’ve admitted, the passive-agressiveness just doesn’t work…which is what I usually resorted to in the past. Sometimes I take it too far the other way now, but honestly, I’d rather be a little bit too abrasive than a doormat because that almost completely destroyed my life.
*huff*
hehe.
i have been there. I am glad you posted about your experience and analyzed it after the fact. I am such a reactor, and I know Id have done the same thing.. Id hve been hateful to her on a bad day though.
when i get mad at the playground, i just mace the other kid… or mom.
usually takes care of the situation.
Wow, just wow, Jenni.
wait… is that not normal?
maybe in oregon.
Good post!
It is not fun to see the ugly in ourselves … I said something to a friend this past weekend that was not kind. It was rude and insensitive and not nice! I acted like a 3-yr old – ugh!
Repairs are needed … by being honest about your situation, you’ve given me encouragement to address this issue – Thanks!
Yes, yes, yes. Ugh. Yes.
This really hits home for me today. My husband asked me last night if I saw myself as the best role model for our girls and me immediate answer was “no.”
There are still days that I have to remind myself that I am an adult and need to act like one (and yes, I’m in my 30′s). It’s sad. I spent much pf the night laying there listing all the faults that I see (I know – not the nest thing to do) and the reasons why I’m not the mom that I want them to see. Needless to say it wasn’t a great way to go to sleep – or to wake up.
My personal challenge moving forward is to try to figure out how to change the person that I am (selfish, lazy, and angry at times) into the Godly woman that He has called me to be, and that my girls desperately need to see. That’s a hard one, more often than not.
How do we do this? How do we change our nature and the habits that our flesh has fed and nurtured for so long? Only through the love and grace and strength that God gives us.
#1 – I have to stop beating myself up because that won’t fix anything. Then I need to pray and allow God to shine His light into those dark corners that I like to pretend don’t exist, and let Him change me from the inside out.
Thank you for sharing this today – I needed to hear it.
Um last night I totally lost it and yelled at my daughter about the state of her room and how I’m sick of tripping over her stuff all the time and if she doesn’t clean it up I’m going to get a bag and throw everything out! I was so mad!!!
Then I walked out…and the first thing that hit me was the mountains of clothes in the lounge room and dinning room that have been sitting there for longer than I care to divulge…the mess that is my kitchen, the other pile of backed up laundry waiting to be washed, the bathrooms (oh the bathrooms) and I didn’t dare walk into my own bedroom cos I knew what I would see there was also not a pretty sight! I’ve been messy and lazy for weeks now and it’s time to up my game. My daughter is normally quite neat…I wonder, if I trace it back I perhaps I’ll find her messy phase might have begun around the time mine did? *sigh*
PS And the other week I lost my temper and yelled at my 3yr old for something she did – hours later I heard her yelling at her 15month old sister in the same voice and with almost the same words I had used on her. I was again ashamed. Oh the lessons our children teach us. I’m so far from perfect…but so glad God IS changing me…and I’m grateful for the reminders from other ladies like yourself about the need to constantly improve…for our own sake and the sake of our families.
Love your blog Sarah
for the record, i think you ARE the only one allowed to talk to your kids in that tone. but your heart in reacting is the issue, not whether or not she’s allowed to talk to your kids like that.
i almost never show my anger outwardly. i internalize everything. every little detail. analyze. pick apart. make bigger. etc. i sometimes wish i could let my true colors show outwardly. i think it would be easier to correct if others could see it.
I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about it since then … This morning, one of my friends posted a powerful video on facebook … it’s called Powerful. The video shows adults acting and reacting, all the while children are following them, doing exactly what they do. It really made me stop and think about my actions/reactions. Thanks for sharing this.
I loved how real this post was… and I’m so thankful for the reminder that I’m not the only mom who finds herself shaking my head, and my heart, at myself. Dang, our kids challenge us to grow, don’t they?!
Being the woman I want my daughter to grow up to be- WOW- there’s a call to action. I would pray that my kids are learning more good habits than bad habits from me and my husband.
I do find it hard not to be a defender of my kids in those situations though.