Little girls make friends so easily.
On the playground it consists of nothing more than shared interest, inhabiting the same place in the space/time continuum and a tag-you’re-IT mentality.
Naomi walks right up to two little boys near the slide, Can we be friends? Let’s play on the swings. I’ll show you how to swing on your belly...
And off the three of them run. Together. No gender issues. No worrying about status or name or race or worldview. They don’t even try to beat each other to the swing set: they know there is more than enough playground equipment to go around.
It’s just three preschoolers happy to be at the park, happy to find someone else to share the morning with and happy to look eye-level at another kid.
Three-year-old community.
And an example for us.
So often I feel like I’m in the search for community. There isn’t much community in suburbia unless I look for it. And somehow, in my search, I seem to want to look across the table from people exactly like me. I’m going to be honest, I never actually think this. But on this lofty search without thinking about it I set out for people who believe like me and in some ways look like me.
I know I’m not alone in this, so I’m going to be vulnerable. Sometimes, before becoming friends I conduct an “interview”: I weigh comments and ideas and beliefs of the other person and in the depths of my brain, I make some kind of judgment about how close we can become based on these ideas. Less like me, less close. More like me, we can be bosom buddies.
But this isn’t right. It’s horrible, I know. And I realized this when I watched the three-year-olds swing on their bellies at the playground. They were different. They didn’t come from the same place. But they all just wanted to play.
Friendships are richer when we are different. They can actually be better when we find those people who are our opposites. They rub off our rough edges.
Churches are stronger when we come from different backgrounds. We all add our wisdom to the work, wisdom that has come from vastly different experiences and lives.
And because of this, I think community is better when we aren’t alike. Our lives would be so much sweeter if we were less consumed about the what’s and why’s and more concerned about being friends and letting others into our lives and hearts without worrying about the outcome.
I need friends who aren’t like me. It’s important.
I need people around me who don’t think like me. I need blog commenters who disagree. It’s good for the community.
So, even if we don’t all think the same or look the same, let’s jump on the slide and play tag for the morning. Let’s be friends, no matter what. We’ll be better for it.
How do you find community? Am I alone in this?
Tags: acceptance, children, community, Friendship, growing up
Good morning Sarah.
You are not alone. I had the audacity at one time to not even consider anyone who was the same age or younger than I because I felt as if they “carried too much baggage” or always seemed to have too much drama.
What it really came to was that I thought I had been too mature for them! They weren’t on my level!
Real arrogant huh?
I am still in the learning process that everyone is friend material. I have more in common with many “unlikely” candidates than I do with those who are just like me and this all comes from leaving myself out of the equation and just taking non-stereotypical time with anyone whom I am afforded the pleasure of doing so.
smooches,
Larie
I do that ALL the time. Um, HELLO!?! I used to be younger and needed some older friends, too! Right on!
Oh,you are so right. I’ve done the “interview” too. That’s so sad to admit…
Somewhere in all of us this thing lurks — the desire for comfort and routine. I think it gets worse as we get older, unless we stop it. Surrounding ourselves with “sameness” just boosts our own egos in a way, so maybe it all comes down to selfish pride (as it so often does…)
I have a good friend who is also a mom to young children and there are many, many things we disagree on with nursing, discipline, babysitters, chores, school… and it’s so good to be able to do that and still be really great friends. We challenge each other to think differently without becoming judgmental. It actually takes work to maintain a friendship like this, and I think it’s healthy
I’ll be surprised if anyone here says that they make friends without first conducting the “interview”. We all do it.
Really, I think it’s a matter of fear. We’re afraid of what’s different, what’s unknown. We like to stay within our comfort zones. But the truth is, our growth is often stunted in the comfort zone. To grow and develop, we need to step outside.
We’re more comfortable with others who are like us, than we are with those who are different. But we can learn so much, and expand who WE are, by spending time with folks who see things a little differently than we do. Folks who challenge us and make us look beyond what we believe, to figure out WHY we believe it. It takes a brave soul to open up to someone who’s different, but there’s so much to be gained from it! We should all try doing it a little more often!
You are so not alone. I’ve been trying to find some sort of community for myself, and my family, but I always come up short. Maybe it’s the area, maybe I’m not being open enough to it, but I think it’s hard to find those who have similar enough values and beliefs, but who are also different enough to challenge us.
But I keep looking. And I have faith we’ll both find what we’re looking for!
Love this. Agree with this completely. And, as I am feeling quite different lately (and not really appreciated for that), I hope this will make someone think. Thanks!
Oh my goodness . . . Did you ever just describe the way I “size up” new friends. Are they married? Do they have children? Are they stay at home moms or working (outside the home) moms? Why can’t I find someone like me?
Thank you for showing me God has placed people in my life who are good for me. Since He made all of us in His image, I bet there a plenty of similarities too!
Yeah, you are right on – on what you posted here. To find community, I pray. We live in South Africa and so finding friends has been a crazy hard situation for us. We work with the Xhosa people and minister to those who are hungry and sick – but God has opened many doors for friendship and love. On the flip though, it has been a rough start to find heart friends who “just desire the Cross”…not that I can only be friends with believers, but when the day is long and my friends are dying, sometimes I long to “just be” with somebody without having to over explain my heart. I have no idea if that makes any sense at all. I do think being friends with a wide range of people is healthy – wide ranges of beliefs and thoughts are good…and yay! It has been a long time coming, but I finally “feel” that we are in a season of healthy friendships and growing accountability.
Oh dear, I could have written this.
It never ceases to amaze me how I can be surrounded by people I know and that I know don’t hate me, perhaps many even love me, and yet still feel wholly disconnected.
And it’s not so much that we (okay, maybe I’ll just speak for myself here) require that others look and believe like us as much as the fact that, occasionally, we need to just be able to relax know that there’s someone we can just be our beautiful, messy selves with.
I pray you find that true community. It truly is a gift we were created for.
thanks alisa.
i think i have it. somewhat.
in certain friends, in my bible study, and definitely online i’ve found some huge aspects of community…
like here. =)
I have quite a mix of friends. Those who are like me and those who are very unlike me. I actually would rather be around someone who is different than me. I think I do the opposite of what you do. Rather than want someone like me and reject someone unlike me I want someone unlike me and reject those who are like me.
Interesting…
You are not alone, Sarah. Until I had SJ, my script would read exactly the same way… but I’m learning. These days, when he runs off chattering with the kids, I socialise with the parents… and sometimes I even come away with phone numbers or e-mail addresses that I actually use! Can you believe it?
(Every now and again, I will find that I received a bonus… one or two of them turn out to be ‘kindred spirits’. But, either way, God is so good!)
I love all of these comments! But let me clarify: I have a lot of friends who aren’t like me in belief, in life, in history. But what I’m saying is that I don’t naturally look for friendships outside of my own little world. That’s where I struggle. I don’t “reject” people. I just sometimes struggle with assessing future potential of closeness. That’s all. I appreciate all of your honesty.
When I used the word reject I didn’t really mean that you ‘reject’ them. Or that I reject people, although to be honest, sometimes ‘I’ do. Or not really reject but do not put any energy into the relationship.
Bad choice of wording on my part. Sorry.
no! you’re fine. i was just making sure i was clear in my post. =)
Some of my friends are very different from me. Some of them (GASP OF HORROR!) are not Christians. Perhaps the difference here is that my closest “bosom buddies” are those who share my most important beliefs. As we get older I think we collect friends based upon our beliefs–not just our geographical proximity or willingness to play. Frankly, I just don’t have a lot of time in my schedule for play. So when I do get time with friends, I sorta want it to be friends with whom I share the most important core beliefs.
To boil it down: I’m very HAPPY to be friends with YOU, Sarah!
gasp of horror (and then a wink)
In some ways, it makes a lot of sense to start with a point of commonality in looking for friendships. The friends I made in film school are like that. And yet, my closest sisters, we’re all pretty different from each other. Our common starting point is Christ. There are some people that, based on commonalities,I almost SHOULDN’T be friends with. But God can bring community out of anyplace – for me, it’s been some of the mom’s at church, either old enough to be my mom or my big sister. And through those who have the only common tie of being single, whatever their age. We create community where we need it the most.
My best friend is almost my opposite right now. But she’s still my person because we’ve built community in late night talks, cryptic text messages only we get, and several years worth of hardship that makes us cling that much harder to each other.
Friendship can be about what you need, and sometimes that looks a lot like yourself, or a lot like how you want to be seen. But that’s just the surface of it. Past that sometimes self-serving impulse is just the very human desire to be weak with someone who’ll be weak with you. Sharing of frailty.
i have had such a hard time building a girlfriend community in los angeles, and i’ve been here 8 years! i think it’s particularly hard because i came from oklahoma, where the community seemed built in. i didn’t have to work for it.
i wish i could say my friendships here were richer for all the effort, but they’re not. i go through months throwing my hands in the air and proclaiming that i’m giving up on LA girlfriends.
but i had a baby last week, and the love and support has been tangible. so i know that the friendship RULES may be different out here, but it doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t there. i’m still learning.
laura, congratulations on your baby! i’m glad it’s been more tangible lately.
i can’t imagine moving from OK to LA. what a change! don’t give up on LA girlfriends. there’s community here, we just have to find it, right?
I come from the other side, the side who people rejected after the “interview.” Not as much as in high school, but it still happens. When you live in small communitites, it’s already formed – because you haven’t lived there your whole life, OR because you have. When you add being a SAHM, I think it makes life even more isolating. No automatic community of coworkers.
I look to church for community, but even there, there is judgement. So I wonder, is it because I’m too fat, not rich, don’t dress a certain way, my hub doesn’t attend church, I’m not happy enough, boring, just not desirable?
No. I am all those things. I am desirable. I am fun. And who cares that I’m fat, poor, and not fashion savy. My husband and my GOd love me. And because I have not drawn those lines (as much), I have met many strange and wonderful people. In fact, “those” people seem to come find *me*.
I do search for community, and deep relationship. The more diffucult challenge for me is developing relationships with people who don’t have time. Our focus, at this stage of life, seems more to be about family. Everyone seems to have a hard time balancing work, family, church and friends. So I wait. I wait for the day, the opportunity, the person who God wants me to know as friend. I wait for the day when I can have a conversation not interrupted by many small children.
In the meantime, I enjoy the friendships I have on the level their at, I count the blessings (1,2,3,4) that I have today, and pray for that next door neighbor who wants to come over and hang out at my house, not bothered by piles of laundry, share all our secrets, and build a history together as friends.
I don’t live in a small community, but I do stay home. I agree – it can be so isolating.
and i’m sorry that friendship has been difficult. by the way, I LOVE it when people don’t care about my laundry. I think I might only have one or two like that in the world.
thank you for commenting, kelly.
I have such a great need for community and feel that the type of community I’m wanting has been a missing part of my life for too long. I’m not sure how to fix that exactly. I know how I came to be in this place. Just not sure how to fix it.
I don’t have children but spending any time with my friends and their kids, and thinking back to my own childhood, it’s all just so simple when you see it through their eyes, you know? As you said, they’re just happy to find someone to share a common experience with (playing at the park) without worrying about all the other stuff.
i am always amazed too, at how my 5 yr old can just walk up to another kid at the park and become ‘friends’ so fast!! so easy!!!!
i have been thinking about this a lot lately!! friendship, community, relationships etc.
thanks for this post! it makes me see that i am not the only one thinking about it!
I wish I could be like a 3 year old who just walks up to kids at the park and asks them to be friends.
I tend to be the mom who sits alone on the bench watching the other mommies have a lovely chat, thinking how nice it would be to talk to them, but fearing immediate rejection at the attempt.
Because I don’t look like them.
I don’t have a size 6 body, designer clothes, a late-model car or a monogrammed {insert fashionable accessory here}.
I’m way overweight, have blue streaks in my hair, and wear clothes for comfort instead of fashion. I’m strange that way.
I still want friends too. Maybe I should stop thinking they’re going to reject me because that is actually me rejecting them.
Hm. Thanks Sarah.
i love blue streaks and you should have seen ME at the park yesterday.
i’m just sayin’. =)
Sarah,
I tweeted earlier in the day to you that I agree with you – what I mean is I agree we need friends who don’t look act or always think like us. We’ll be better off in the long run for this and I think our lives will be more effective. I do think our core friendships should be with believers but we should also count as friends those outside the church as well.
I understand your comment about assessing future closeness – I’d say I expect too much in this area. I sometimes I want the next set of folks who come along to be “the ones;” the people you hang out with for hours, cook out with, raise kids with, drop by to drink coffee with, etc. We’ve really ever had one, maybe two couples around us like that, don’t now, haven’t in some time and miss it.
We feel like we’re in a friendship vacuum lately and can’t really put a finger on it. The only hope I have right now is one day our circumstances will change, then it will all make sense, and “the ones” will be in our lives. Until then, the friendships I do have – those I’ve forged in person but are now distant or the ones we’ve discovered online – are more than sufficient.
I find it so hard to make friends.
Specially in the last year, I’ve felt like my social skills need so much improvement…
:S
I’m not sure about the reason why but I ask God to help me about it
:S
i loved this post!
i feel like i have community but not in the community in which i live, if that makes sense. i don’t know that i have found my place here with a group of friends. i sort of float between many different groups which is great. i love knowing and having connections with many different people – they challenge me and help me to grow BUT it is hard not having a friend here who i totally connect with on multiple levels – a person who i feel comfortable showing the ugliness too who will still love me. i need to be more open and willing to trust to develop some of those relationships.