I used to be afraid of healing.
What it would cost.
What it would mean.
What it would require of me.
Years ago, trying to function in my marriage while having an affair was like trying to run a marathon on a broken leg. It just wasn’t working and there was something really, really wrong.
I knew things had to change and part of that included my healing, but I was worried about what that mending would cost.
What would it take to stitch up my heart, to make it pliable again when it had become so hard? As if the pain from the healing would be worse than the pain in my current state.
Healing takes time I wasn’t wiling to give and energy I didn’t have. It also takes a submission to the Healer that I was reluctant to begin.
And the worst of it, mending requires introspection. Looking at myself, at a blackened heart, is ugly. I didn’t want to see it and I didn’t want anyone else to see it either.
Wounds need time for the air to purify and clean them. Tendons and relationships need to grow back together where they have been severed. Bones and trust need time to form new bonds and new connections.
When the pain in me became to great to bear and the current state of me was uglier than I knew I could repair on my own, I broke in half.
Bones shattering, tendons ripping, ribs cracking, muscles tearing: the ugliness of breaking was almost as great as the carrying of the sin itself.
This is why healing is scary. This is why people stay where they are — filled up with the hurt and the loss and the wrong — because it feels so much safer. The pain we know is easier to medicate the pain we don’t know. And I won’t lie; the tearing hurts.
But this pain was different. It had a purpose. Break in order to mend.
Because it doesn’t end there: in the breaking. The breaking is only the beginning. The Healer breaks, and then He mends.
Now I know that mending, even though it costs energy and time, even though it requires me to be silent and wait, even though it means looking closely at my broken places and ugly scars, is the only way to peace.
Peace with God.
And there is no fear in that.
Why do YOU think healing is so difficult and scary?