I used to be afraid of healing.
What it would cost.
What it would mean.
What it would require of me.
Years ago, trying to function in my marriage while having an affair was like trying to run a marathon on a broken leg. It just wasn’t working and there was something really, really wrong.
I knew things had to change and part of that included my healing, but I was worried about what that mending would cost.
What would it take to stitch up my heart, to make it pliable again when it had become so hard? As if the pain from the healing would be worse than the pain in my current state.
Healing takes time I wasn’t wiling to give and energy I didn’t have. It also takes a submission to the Healer that I was reluctant to begin.
And the worst of it, mending requires introspection. Looking at myself, at a blackened heart, is ugly. I didn’t want to see it and I didn’t want anyone else to see it either.
Wounds need time for the air to purify and clean them. Tendons and relationships need to grow back together where they have been severed. Bones and trust need time to form new bonds and new connections.
When the pain in me became to great to bear and the current state of me was uglier than I knew I could repair on my own, I broke in half.
Bones shattering, tendons ripping, ribs cracking, muscles tearing: the ugliness of breaking was almost as great as the carrying of the sin itself.
This is why healing is scary. This is why people stay where they are — filled up with the hurt and the loss and the wrong — because it feels so much safer. The pain we know is easier to medicate the pain we don’t know. And I won’t lie; the tearing hurts.
But this pain was different. It had a purpose. Break in order to mend.
Because it doesn’t end there: in the breaking. The breaking is only the beginning. The Healer breaks, and then He mends.
Now I know that mending, even though it costs energy and time, even though it requires me to be silent and wait, even though it means looking closely at my broken places and ugly scars, is the only way to peace.
Peace with God.
And there is no fear in that.
Why do YOU think healing is so difficult and scary?
Tags: adultery, Christian, God, healing, marriage, mending, relationships
Because of exactly what you said – “is the only way to peace”. And that peace can be wonderful, but sometimes we’re not sure we deserve it, or will be happy there, so why take the time to heal?
You’ve got such a way with words. Love it!
Sarah, I’m new to your blog, referred by tamaramccarthy@wordpress.com. Healing has been more of a journey than a destination for me. I wrote a poem about ten years ago that describes a part of this journey:
http://dianneguthmuller.wordpress.com/2009/08/15/in-the-potters-hands/
Blessings to you and your readers!
Dianne Guthmuller
I think you summed it all up perfectly….
it can be painful to heal and when you’re talking about your heart, the band aids just don’t stick very well at all and you have to spend all your time replacing them, which sometimes I think, makes it’s so easy to give up….
Fear of wounding the wound again.
OR
Fear of thinking that the wound is healed when it really isn’t, therefore causing the healing to take longer.
smooches,
Larie
Hi Sarah!
I sent you an e-mail a couple days ago, but I have not received a response. Anyway, I passed on the Kreativ Blogger Award to you… your posts inspire.
I would love to hear from you. Here’s the link http://wordkeeperinja.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-am-humbled.html
The healing is so difficult and scary to me because I know my own hurt from my mistakes but until you start the healing process, I don’t know who else I have hurt, usually unintentionally, in the process. That is the scariest part for me because when I have found out who I have hurt, it makes my own pain that much worse.
hi Sarah,
i’ve enjoyed reading what you write, and this post really resonates with me. i think healing is scary to me because if i get healed/healthy, then i no longer have the crutch of being the one who needs help. when i stand up and choose to heal, then i am afraid that more than i can give will be asked of me because i am no longer “the wounded”.
thanks for the post:)
Angie
You nailed it!! (for me at least) It is very scary to let go of the pain. In my situation I am the “victim” (I don’t like that word but whatever…) HOWEVER I have become very ugly in my heart & I know God wants me to repent of my sinful responce to this hurt. Somehow letting go of, now, my sin is scary.
This is exactly what I am going thru right now, God is good, to let me know that what I am feeling is okay, I just need to press forward.
Thank you for your faithfulness, God is using you!
i agree. letting go of sin is so very scary. there is a fear of life without it, after it, despite it.
thank you for sharing. =)
Okay, I hit submit before I chickened out (I usually have to) and then realized I misspelled “response”. oops!
Hello Sarah,
I found your blog today. I greatly support what you say in an older post about staying close to Christ EVERY DAY. Take a turn and, at least for some of us, temptation in its various forms, waits us round the corner.
As for mending. I think it’s our / my ego. I am afraid of rejection, loneliness, the unknown. Fear is a big enemy, and it stems from not believing strong enough.
I admit i am weak. And I hand my issues to God…when I am not afraid it might…bother Him!..How evil the evil one is!
There is a Psalm where it says something like “my soul clang onto you”. That’s my recipe.
God bless you. i am glad I came across your truth.
Hi Sarah,
I just found your website yesterday and it is amazing. It inspires me to walk closer to God and be the kind of wife God calls me to be.
Healing is hard because you leave behind the old you and the old ways. You step into a journey of the unknown and the revelation that you can’t solve your problems with the same level of thinking that created them.
You strip yourself of the old and are “naked” at the foot of the cross crying out to the Lord to clothe you in the promises of peace. However the peace we all seek has a price — obedience. That is not an easy task.
We must lose ourselves to find ourselves. I am in the process of finding me.
Sisters in Christ,
Michelle
how come some days you can share what you wrote on Facebook and some days you can’t? I love to share your words. You are so honest and it does provide so much healing to know that some of us women are not alone.
this is so relevant for me today, friend. trying to be whole and healed is my goal, but it’s not easy every day. most days, it’s fine, but there are just some days that I feel the awful all over again. thanks for the reminder, and for guiding me toward peace. it’s the best direction.
Hi Sarah
I happened upon your blog today in my search for the biblical call of forgiveness. I have read some of your story, not all, and I think that the story that you and your husband share is one of hope. My own marriage years ago was not lucky in similar circumstances. I applaude you both in allowing God to work through you on these matters.
Recently I have learned of a betrayl of a friend, really she is/was? my spiritual mentor…im not suppose to know of it, and im giving her the time she needs to come to the point when she can tell me herself. I do not believe her actions were intentional to cause me pain or distance our relationship. I did go to her and voice my concern about how our friendship seemed to be falling apart, she acknowledged this and then I thought we were on the right road again. But since then I have learned a few more things. I know that she must have concerns telling me these things and I sympathize with her. I can forgive her without her asking, but can she accept it with out asking?
This really does link to your fear about mending…or at least i think it does. To mend ourselves we must aknowledge our pain, and sometimes that is scary and painful to face our deep dark places. Can you forgive yourself of the things you have done, can you forgive others of what they have done to you? And to mend a relationship you must see beyond yourself and face the pain of the other person, perhaps you’ve caused the wound, perhaps not. But both are required to mend the rift and restrengthen the bond. But it is scary to trust in your own strength or that of others. But in what we are called to face we are not to measure it in terms of our own strength.
God calls upon us to Trust Him..not to trust Him that this or that will/ will not happen…but simply trust Him. That He will be with us whether we are delivered from, delivered through, delivered by the fire.
we are afraid
we will hurt again
it will cost more next time
people will know and may walk away
we have been taught to medicate and not feel pain
take an aspirin for this, ice or heat for that
we want it to be quick and sometimes the cut healing is part of the process… i am too afraid to heal i might not like what i see
Thank you, Sarah. I needed this today.
Healing can be scary because it means you have to acknowledge the wound, that it’s really there or that certain things really did happen. Denial is the easier path, or so it seems. In my own life, I couldn’t believe how hard it’s been to acknowledge that something hurt me – I had built up such high walls around my heart, determined that I would not be hurt again. Admitting that something did hurt has been the hardest part because then it became real. Yikes. And ouch. But like you said, the wounds need time to be aired out in order to heal.
Hi Sarah,
It’s so strange that you posted this today. I just got home from a class and before the class, my teacher read a little devotional about wanting to be healed. It was about the story where the boy is lowered through the roof by his friends. Jesus then asks him, “Do you want to be healed?” It seems like such a strange question…Of course he wants to be healed! He came to You! Well, that’s what I normally think when reading that verse. But when I started thinking about it some more, I realized that his FRIENDS carried him to Jesus. No, he couldn’t get there on his own…but he didn’t come to Jesus. His friends brought him; his friends wanted him to be healed. That wasn’t enough, though, because he had to want it, too. Personally, I’ve been begging Jesus to heal some relationships. There’s a lot of hurt and brokenness in my life and I want so badly for it to be healed. But I have to wait on His timing. For whatever reason, He hasn’t chosen to heal things yet. Not that I can see anyway. Wanting to be healed is kind of my way of letting go. I can’t heal myself, I know this. Asking to be healed, willing to be healed, is giving up control. At least for me. I know I rambled…but I hope this helps someone reading it. At least it helped me by flesing my thoughts out haha
Also, when I want healing, it seems like the other people want none of it. They’re fine with how they are. They’re fine with the meanness and ugliness of how things are now. They don’t want healing; they don’t want to be reconciled. To be healed I must be vulnerable. That leaves me wide open to their mean comments and accusations. Fear of only me wanting the healing can be a little overwhelming at times. It has to be a two way street…
one of my FAVORITE episodes from the Bible. i love your insight, too. =)
well, for me i am scared to heal because i am afraid of who i will become. I spent so much time avoiding healing because i was scared that i wouldnt like the new Lynse. And that was because as painful as life was it was what i was used to…i was comfortable….as twisted as that is.
it’s not twisted. it’s normal. i totally understand this.
Girl, I am SO in the middle of this right now. For years I tried to use God as a band-aid, instead of letting Him heal me from the inside.
I can safely say that even though I have a long way to go in the process of healing, I was AMAZED at the instant relief I felt one I finally let all my grief and anger out to another person..you know, and actual face sitting across from me, instead of just writing about it
I can’t agree with you more that my fear of this was greater then the reality. It took me a YEAR to start, and now that I have, the swiftness with which God has stepped into the middle of my crap and shown me He was there all along, seeking me and guiding me and protecting me, astounds me.
Great post!
Oh, my. I have slept on those streets. I laid in that coffin. I, too, was there. I write about that all the time, my life a song of His Salvation! His light pouring through the rips in the fabric of what is left of my life. Through death comes life! Here is a few lines from my book:
‘I was a refugee of sin sleeping in the streets of uncertainty mourning my own death and shivering with fear that I would have to live out the rest of my days tossed out of the presence of God. He held me close as the darkness of night sent its bitter wind to lick my naked skin. He rocked me in His arms and whispered: ‘Don’t let your faith fail, my little girl, my love is bigger than this. Be still, little one, and know that I am God. You don’t have to be afraid, lamb, you may have lost many, but you won’t lose me. I could never forget you. I’ve engraved your name in the palms of my hands. I can take care of this. I’ll make this right.’ – ‘Grace Is For Sinners’
Thank you so much for sharing this, Serena.
Thank you for sharing your heart so candidly and humbly.
May the Healer is gentle…
He is, isn’t he? he could be so much less gentle, but he chooses to be gentle with us. love it that you pointed this out.
Because it means admitting we put a band-aid over a bullet wound. That as much as we can do independent from God (and DO every day) there is one area we can’t fix. That no matter how painful the healing process is, the Healer has our best interests at heart. That He’ll be there to pick up the pieces of our shattered jars of clay, grind us down into dust, and put us back together again in pot form.
And it means admitting that the life we lead now isn’t eternity, but preparation for such. And refinement is the same as sanctification, a lot of the time.
I know I need healing in one area of my life – and I’m scared to death of it. I know that I alone am responsible for taking the steps to get to where I need to be, and sometimes I take the first steps. Then I freak out and sabotage the process so that I’m back where I started.
I know God is there, and I know HE is the great healer, but I guess I haven’t had enough trust in Him with it. Pray for me? It’s so hard, but what do I tell my kids? It IS hard, but you still need to try.
wow sarah. you really have a way with words. that sounds so cliche. but it’s true. i think at some point the darkness of sin becomes unbearable and we are willing to go through hell to get to the other side. healing is so painful but honesty brings such release…and grace. i love you!
I just found your blog today, and admittedly I haven’t read much beyond this post. But I can tell you, I know why (for me, at least) healing is difficult and scary. It’s letting go of something, even though it was wrong and was never good for me, and daring to live without it. “It” defined me for a period of time, so even though it wasn’t good for me or my marriage or my family, not having “it” seems to leave me in a state I don’t recognize.
I think I’m going to enjoy your blog. I have a feeling we’re a lot alike, and I can’t wait to find out for sure.
Hello and welcome =)
and i know exactly what you mean about what you carry defining you. thank you for sharing that.
I think that I am holding back on healing because that will mean I have to forgive. And if I truly forgive, which is what I believe I’m called to do although most days I don’t want to, then that means I have to get along with the one who hurt me. It seems like too much effort and he is so undeserving! Although I think at some point, like you, even though it’s different, it becomes more painful not to heal. This may seem like a bunch of figurative mumbo jumbo but I’ve been asked if I want to heal and although my heart says yes my head says, ‘don’t bother!’ But how long can I live this way? Aggghh! Suck it up princess, I say to me
I commented earlier, but I want to again. I’ve been thinking about this post all evening and I realize it’s the kick in the rear I need to go through that process. I mean, if God wants me to change, who am I to say that He isn’t big enough to take care of me after the change?
I think I’m just scared of having a new identity – but that’s what the healing is about. No longer being defined by (X) but being defined as redeemed by God. Thank you, Sarah, for these words today.
“What if opening up to healing means opening up to more hurt?”
At least, that’s always my question to myself. My wife has had an affair, and has told me she’s leaving me for a man she’s known for 6 weeks.
I want to allow things to heal, but I’m terrified that if I try to stay open to healing, she’ll just continue to hurt me. I’ve been a long way from perfect in our marriage, but I’ve always tried to make things right. But I fear that this is too much for me.
My prayer is that God can heal me independently from her if need be…but that prospect terrifies me too.
Andy – I think you have to get to the point of believing that your healing can ONLY come from God, which means letting go of believing that your wife must help you heal. You have to heal independent of her. To believe that she must help you heal is making her a god. I am in the same situation as you, only a bit further along. The divorce was final in mid-August. Now having to let go does not mean having to give up on your wife. It just means recognizing that the most important relationship in your life has to be with your Creator. He is a god of healing and restoration, and nothing is impossible for Him. Seek His will for your relationship and don’t let the circumstances dictate your actions. Peace.
One final thought – you should feel that this is too much for you. The wonderful news is that it is not too much for God. He wants you to be in that place where you believe that you could not handle the situation on your own. That you could never recover and get past the hurt on your own. That you could never forgive on your own. You can’t, on your own. But you can, with Him. Many of the people who have responded to this blog (Sarah included) have amazing testimonies that demonstrate God’s ability to do what seems impossible for man to do. Keep your eyes on Him and He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Wow. You are listening in on my life now! This is where we are, only I’m not the one afraid anymore…he is. I keep begging and begging and showing repentence and showing trustworthiness and yet here we still are. My heart is broken. My family is in danger of falling apart. I stand to lose my lover of 24 years and my best friend. I pray God is louder in his head than the lies of the enemy. If He could do it for King David I am certain He will do it for me.
Thanks for you words and your encouragement.
Because healing hurts.
But, the way I see it you can either hurt while you’re healing or you can hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll take the first.
Tryig to do the healing thing now….keeping a wall up, because I have been hurt by this person too many times in the past. In order for there to be complete healing of the relationship, I need to take the wall down. The ball is in my court, and for now I am leaving it there. sigh…
Thomas Merton said the love we cherish most will of necessity cause us pain, because it is the mending of a body with broken bones.