Fever.
A mother just knows. My husband will call for me from upstairs:
Honey, I think she has a fever. Can you bring the thermometer?
But I don’t need to. Plus I can’t find it (but I don’t tell him that).
I’ve held her in my arms enough when she is healthy and kissed her above her eyebrows thousands of times so that I can tell when she is too hot. To my hand her head feels warmer than normal and a quick brush of my cheek against hers confirms it.
She has a fever. I don’t need the mercury or digital reading to tell me that something is wrong with my daughter. A fever tells me that her body is fighting off some kind of infection and she needs to rest.
Fever equals sick, simply.
In the same way, I can tell when my relationship with my husband is struggling, when it is sick and broken, or when there have been unresolved arguments and unanswered questions. I can tell because of the fever. I just know. I’ve spent enough time with him when things are good to know when they are not.
A quiet meal.
A swift answer.
A hurtful word hours later.
They all show me that something just isn’t right. I don’t need a book or a counselor to tell me something is wrong. It’s obvious.
If we ignore it, like we’ve done in the past, then it just gets worse. The infection becomes a sort of relationship pneumonia and then it’s too hard to fight on our own. Only a doctor can help now.
But if we recognize the symptoms and work hard to find the root then things can be changed. Ignoring the fever and going about daily living like we’re not sick is the worst thing we can do.
So we stop and rest. Or we drop the kids off with my parents and spend a night away from the call of dishes, laundry and computers. Or we simply sit across the table from each other and work it out.
What’s different about us now than before is that we feel the fever, we acknowledge that we are struggling, and we face it.
Even if it’s hard.
What are the fever symptoms in your marriage or relationship? What do you do to heal it?
For us, it’s the irritated tone, the “fine” whispered under the breath, the uneasy quiet. The best, quickest, and usually most effective remedy is not a new tactic, but it works well anyway: the apology. Early on in our relationship we acknowledged and established that the biblical apology takes blame for one’s own part, saying very little about the other’s actions or words, and forgives without being asked to forgive. When my heart is in that place (not always easy!), I can apologize for my part and not even be offended if he is not willing to reciprocate. Then it’s just a matter of trusting that the Holy Spirit will bring him around too. A hug, a touch, or a heartfelt smile sweetens the deal too!
Fever symptoms…
shortness,
a chill in the air,
lack of eye contact,
sinful attitudes,
unkind words,
unforgiving spirit,
“what’s in it for me” instead of “how can I help, how can I mend, how can I serve”,
anger,
selfishness,
pride.
What do we do to remedy it … well, like yesterday- I went for a walk, and we both cooled off. Then we have learned to talk about it quickly, always say “I’m sorry” “I love you” “will you forgive me”…
and then, there is sweetness that follows:
tender affection,
peacefulness,
smiles,
gentle glances,
back rubs,
selfless giving,
laughter,
TRUE UNION in marriage. God is glorified.
Thank you Jesus.
The opposite of fever: the cold chill.
I cried when I read someone say, “We can just talk for hours.”
What do they say to each other? I can’t even imagine what that is like.
Here is my challenge to you Bethany…. I don’t know you, and have no idea what so ever of the challenges you are facing in your marriage. But, I for one, have been there. So angry, so filled with hate that you would rather be anywhere than at home. But I am here to tell you after 20 years of marriage and three children that ended in divorce…. I have many many regrets…. NOW THE CHALLENGE…. Do something totally out of the ordniary, don’t wait for his first move, you make it, what do you have to lose???? Ship the kids to Grandma’s for the night (if you have children) fix his favorite dinner (order it if you must) have dinner ready. Ask him early in the day if he will be home for dinner. Put his favorite music on.. and greet him when he walks through the door with a smile. Remember…. you have absolutely nothing to lose…. it may be really really hard. If you can’t speak to him and everything ends in arguing…. just ask him if he would like to watch a movie after dinner. Swallow any pride, he may have turned into the biggest jerk in the world, and you would rather spit on him than go through with this idea…… please please please, just try it. Say a prayer to God to get you through, and I will say one for you and your marriage. I have been there, I wish I would have tried a little harder.
great thoughts….Vivian is so right. Don’t. Give. Up.
oh my gosh bethany…i am in exactly the same place that you are in! what is there to talk about except the kid, the dogs, the remodeling of the bathroom…what happened to the times when we could actually sit and talk for hours??!! i am trying some new things like leaving little love notes on his pillow, in his car, in the bathroom where he’ll find them before i wake up. this is a new thing for me and i don’t know how it’s going yet, but as vivian says, i’m trying to do things out of the ordinary. i’ve put 20+ years in this relationship and i’m not going to let it go without a fight.
i’ll pray for you bethany, please pray for me! God bless you
Thanks, all. Prayers all around…
the flesh-aka pride, shows it’s ugly head and the fever is in full swing….the only way we have found to break the fever is through humility and brokeness. humbling ourselves before each other and God does wonders. brokeness and humility-God loves it, honors it, and restores the broken places.
Hi Sarah,
For us, it’s definitely the chill…the cold shoulder…the short answers…the little, if any, eye contact. Or sometimes one of us wakes up in a mood and takes it out on the other without even realizing that we’ve hurt eachother. On days like those, we have to drop everything and back that bus up…start all over again. Sometimes it’s really hard to do cause the hurt has already set in. But, I am so thankful that one of us always says something, it helps us keep “US” in check! You know when something just isn’t right. We are constantly working on body language and voice tone and also understanding that the other just may need a few minutes of space.
Over all, we are at a really good point in our lives right now, but it is a constant work in progress and COMPLETELY worth it in the end! I don’t ever want to imagine what my life would be like without my best friend in it!
a thermometer??? what’s a thermometer?
Such great truth in this one. Yes, mothers instinctively know when something is “off” with their kids. But that comes from paying attention, like you say. And sometimes the mom in me pays much better attention than the wife in me.
My symptoms: unforgiveness, selfishness, pity party, anger, critical spirit, silent treatment, ugly words. This all leads to REGRET and HURT. Regrets for words said. Hurt that I hurt the man God gave to me.
My solution: asking for forgiveness from God and my husband. Not always easy but necessary.
Sarah, so good!
Short words, long silences….
Prayer.
body language, harsh tones
prayer and quality time
the distance seems to creep in so easily. we have to slow down. enjoy each other. take time to love and appreciate each other.