I drive the speed limit.
And I don’t like opening a package of crackers in the supermarket to feed my kids. There is something in me that needs to pay for them first.
I’m a rule follower. I think it was bred into me. Which is why my three years of breaking all the rules were so out of character for me. At least for my personality.
I’d begun to press against the rules that I’d been raised with and in my blindness, seeing no immediate consequences, I questioned the validity of the rules.
Don’t drink.
Don’t flirt with men who aren’t my husband.
Don’t lie.
Don’t…
Nothing horrible was happening (yet) so what was the big deal?
The rule follower in me didn’t become a rule-breaker; she became a rule-questioner. I wasn’t breaking anything if there wasn’t anything real to break because the rule only seemed real if their was a consequence. My Evangelical upbringing had taught me that doing things like drugs or having sex before I was married would land me somewhere between hell and a really crappy life. Here I was married and having an adulterous affair and nothing really bad was happening. The consequences I thought would fall like an executioner’s axe weren’t falling.
What I’d failed to realize was that I shouldn’t do those things NOT because of the consequences (because in all truth, much of our life is lived without physical consequences) but because doing what was wrong would break relationship with God, and then eventually others.
It was about relationship. Not about the rules. Because in the right relationship a person doesn’t really need rules.
Let’s just call it the rule of Love. Jesus called it the Greatest Commandment.
If I love God and if I’m concerned about my intimacy with Him, then the more I want to please Him. The more my life will look like a person who is in Love with their Creator. And the more I will live in ways that are righteous and are in line with what we consider “rules”. I’ll need the rules less as a rigid law because I’m focused on pleasing Him (and running everything through that filter). I will begin to do those things naturally that bring me closer to Him.
The same goes with my husband. The more I love him, the more I want to be the right kind of wife and all the rules of submission and boundaries we’ve put in place (although important) begin to fade in light of my love for him. They aren’t nearly as important as how much I want to show him how much I love him today.
Rules? All of the other rules hang like a hat on a hook of the rule of Love.
What do you think? Are you a rule follower or a rule breaker?
Tags: adultery, boundaries, Christianity, church, Jesus, love, marriage, questions, rules, the greatest commandment
very good blog, congratulations
regard from Reus Catalonia
thank you
Busted my boundaries, my chains into the roominess, the freedom of enjoying HIM from the very core of who I am; who HE made me to be. HE knows my motives, my heart and loves it when I marinate in HIM because I want to, not because I have to.
So much of this post rings true with me. Rule follower. Yet we have freedom in Christ. Sometimes I forget that part.
I’m a rule follower…until it becomes “inconvenient.”
Yes, I know that rules are never inconvenient, it’s my attitude towards them, especially when I want something my way. Rules are not hard, “We” make them hard.
smooches,
Larie
I am a rule bender. I don’t like to just out right break the rules (most of the time) but I like to push the limits on the rules. If there is a rule I like to take it as far as I can with out breaking it.
However, sometimes I just out right break the rules (speeding is one example).
This is something that I have to watch myself in.
Rule follower by nature. . .most of the time. I like to play it safe, be practical, and do the right things for the most part…but when I don’t because sometimes I can’t–I am overcome by guilt and hate hose feelings!
This was my favorite post ever, Sarah!! I so need to think about how I look at rules. I’m going to be forwarding this one around! Thanks for this!
I am a rule follower. Great thoughts, my friend.
I will see you NEXT MONTH!
While I’m often a rule follower, there are some times and some rules that I question and push to the breaking point. How fast I drive is one example. Thanks for the inspiration!
I’m a rule follower by nature. I have always wanted to follow the rules because I thought if I didn’t then bad things would happen. I am still learning but I learned a long time ago that it was more about relationship than rules… just what your post said. I loved reading it! Great reminder for me!
definitely a rule follower. my motivation is to avoid getting in trouble. love this post sarah–thanks for your insightful words. xo
My catholic upbringing made me a true blue rule follower. My reasoning then was why would I risk going to hell for doing (insert little sins here)? It took me a loooooong time to realize my salvation is not based on my works, nor my rule following, but His gift and His grace. Now I follow the rules for the right reason: because I want to be just like my Savior.
You always provide a perspective that is competely different than my own. I love it. Thank you for challenging me to think outside of my box.
wow, very much a rule follower……which is why sometimes i am so very surprised at myself. never in one million years did i think….never. even through my rule breaking and life wrecking, He is faithful and in the business of redemption and restoration. sweet relationship. thanks again sarah.
i am glad I read this! you bring up a good point about it not being about the rules!
i am a rule follower! if there is a formula that works i will do it!!
but you are right, in our relationships, its about doing something because of love.
i always tell my oldest boy that i cant actually make him do something he doesnt want to do. by getting his heart, and winning his love i hope that he will WANT to obey!
its much different than trying to force someone to do something.
i am finding that there is def a balance and my reasons for ‘following the rules’ needs to be compelled by my love.
thanks for reminding me of this!
Totally a rule follower! I love the phraseology of rule-questioner. Very true for many of us raised in a conservative upbringing.
You don’t need to focus on pleasing him. He is already pleased with you. You just need to live that way. Live as if you are fully aware that he is pleased with you. Live loved by your Creator. It’s not about pleasing him. It’s about living in the freedom that he is already pleased.
I’m a rule breaker! Didn’t used to be though.
Blessings!
I hope that makes sense.
I’m a rule breaker. I’ve always questioned everything. And if someone couldn’t give me a good answer why not to do something I did it. And as a single girl, recent college grad, follower of God, it is not always good. In fact most times it gets me in huge trouble.
So I really appreciated your words on how its about Relationship not the consquences. Because your right, sometimes it doesn’t hurt now, but it will later or maybe not even at all, but that isn’t the point. The point is, if its truly right or wrong, and where it puts us before God and the people that we love.
I’ve learned that, maybe not at the marriage level, but in relationships as a 20-something.
Found your blog some time this summer, I like the way you write.
Its a blog with meaning, a ‘thinking blog’, your words are good warnings to women and girls alike. Thank you,
Tori
Most of the time I am a rule follower. But remembering it’s all about relationship totally changes the way the rules are viewed.
I have been reminded of this so often lately and the way you described it was awesome. I don’t know if you have heard of a man named Danny Silk but I think you would really enjoy his parenting book and much of his talks as well. The title of the book is Loving Our Kids on Purpose. Amazing stuff and all about the relationship.
Thanks so much Sarah! I love reading your blog.
Sounds like a great book. Thanks for the tip, Sam!
I’m a rule follower… because I don’t want to look bad. It’s (stupidly) always been about looking good. As I’ve stopped caring about The Look, I’ve tended to stop caring about the rules, which means a reevaluation of the whys and wherefores of everything.
i am a rule follower by nature.. i don’t like conflict or getting into “trouble”. i loved your insights into being a rule follower. definitely challenged me in some things and made me think.
You inspire me.
I read this when it first appeared in my reader, and then read Galatians 4:21-chapter 5. I am SUCH a goody-two-shoes, or rule follower by nature, but I know that it is not usually to my advantage. I know that He has such a plan for me, and if I follow the Pharisee’s rules instead of living in His freedom, I’ll miss out on what He has for me. It’s scary and intimidating, not knowing what the outcome will be, but I know that I (we all) have to live in faith and obedience to Him- not a book of laws, but every day hanging on His every word living. Thanks for sparking this…I’m so glad to have really read what you had to say, and then what He said. I needed this!
Thank you and thank God for sharing your story – a month or so ago, my pastor shared a link to your blog in his weekly email newsletter, and when I read it I could not believe how alike my situation was/is to yours…
I think I’m more of a rule breaker than a rule follower, but that’s not why I felt like I ought to respond to this post. What resonated most for me was your statement, “The consequences I thought would fall like an executioner’s axe weren’t falling.” I’ve spent years alternately rationalizing away and repressing my bad behavior, but I often wished that the consequences I deserved would finally happen, because I was too weak to completely put an end to the words, thoughts, and actions that were jeopardizing my RELATIONSHIPS with God and my husband. Today though, after a close friend/accountability partner helped me make the decision that I’ve known for years that I have to make but have avoided for just as long, I cut off all contact with the person with whom I was having an affair. (The physical affair ended a while ago, but I kept up the emotional affair.) I’ve become so accustomed to the feelings and habits that go along with this person that ceasing that relationship was/is harder than I could have imagined, but I know that my soul is at stake, and that I have to commit myself 100% to making my relationships with God and my husband my primary priorities.
I’ve been seeing a Christian counselor for almost a year now to figure out what this affair is all about – what’s going on within me and with my relationship with my husband that I was somehow capable of behaving so horribly for years- and to deal with all the anxiety I have associated with it, and that’s helping. But I wanted to write to say that reminders of what’s most important – God’s Greatest Commandment – such as those you share on your blog are priceless and cannot be heard too often, and to thank you for them. Life is about more than following rules, it’s about relationships and submitting to God’s will for me not only because it’s right and what He commands, but because it’s what He wants as my Lover and Savior and the only thing that can bring me true peace. Finally, finally, I’ve embraced the realization that that is precisely what I’ve been coveting all along, and that although abandoning my past behaviors and comforts hurts, His Love will surround me through all of my fears and doubts. If I let His Word be my guide, my relationship with Him and pleasing Him through my marriage will become my one obsession. And although it seems unrelated, another aspect of my story that shows God’s grace in my life is that my husband and I recently experienced a miscarriage (first pregnancy), which was almost unbearably painful for me, but it’s led me to become more committed to adopting a child, and the mere idea of this fills me with joy.
Praise God – how amazing that He not only loves us, He gives us second chances to appreciate the blessings He gives us even when we’ve taken them for granted!
I know I’ve been too wordy – another bad habit – but thanks again for your story and the time you’ve devoted to this blog, and I appreciate any prayers you (or readers/commenters) can offer.
I have been absent for about two weeks. I was just too sick to read or blog or anything. So today, I am catching up on your blog. So many things have touched me, but I just can’t comment on all of them. I am hurting. I am tired. And I feel very alone. I don’t have the responses in me even though the post generates a smile or a tear. But this one I can respond to. I am a rule-follower. Definitely. But somewhere along the way, probably about at the age you are now, I stopped asking what the physical consequences of breaking a rule were and started reminding myself what it would do to relationship. With Jesus. With my family. With those I lead. With those who lead me. At first, it was about how that would effect me. But it became about how my actions would effect them. God is good like that. Relationship is a much more powerful motivator to do what is right. Love instills a desire to obey. Fear instills a desire to rebell. God bless you. And thanks.
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