Seven years ago I had no idea how I got to the place I was: in the middle of an affair, depressed, obsessed and full of self-loathing. But I didn’t get there overnight.
During my healing and restoration I read Shannon Etheridge‘s book Every Woman’s Battle. In it she asks a question: If you can’t control yourself before you’re married, what makes you think you can control yourself after you’re married (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the page number).
Ahem. Right.
Because the thing is, we hadn’t controlled ourselves before we were married. When I got married in 1996 at the age of 21 Chad was not a virgin but I was. Technically, that is.
We had gone as far as we could go before we were married without actually having intercourse. So when we did get married, we began our intimacy off on the wrong foot: one laced with guilt and embarrassment. We had not been able to exercise the self control we knew we should have. In fact, half the reason we did get married 2 weeks after I graduated from college was so that we didn’t have to live out the rest of that summer having almost-sex whenever we were alone. We wanted the real deal.
Reading Shannon’s book in the months after my affair was an eyeopener to say the least (and it turned out to be the single most effective book I read during that period). I finally began to understand some of the roots of my problem: a fundamental and complete lack of Godly self-control.
Last week a reader emailed me ans asked me how Chad and I managed to say pure when we were dating, how we were able to “wait” until we were married. We hadn’t, I had to tell her. Not completely. She asked me how a girl can navigate through singleness and make it all the way to a future wedding day without sleeping with any potential boyfriends. And, was it worth it. My answer to her was almost too simplistic.
Yes, it was worth it.
And to how? Self-control.
The self-control couples need to keep from having sex before they are married is the same self-control that keeps me from having an affair. And its the same self-control that keeps my husband from looking at porn. Its the same self-control that keeps me waking up every day and striving to keep my marriage pure and focused.
That self-control doesn’t change as soon as I sport a wedding ring. It’s something that should be learned early and learned well. And then it must be practiced.
Or else it is all hopeless.
Which is why today I’m giving away a pack of Shannon Etheridge books. She has been generous to donate four books that I will give away as a set to one of YOU! Every Woman’s Battle, Every Woman’s Battle Promise Book, Words of Wisdom for Women at the Well and then a copy of the Stephen Arterburn book Every Man’s Battle (a must read for every husband/boyfriend).
Leave ONE comment before 9pm Tuesday telling us what you think about any of this: about self-control, about waiting, about being single, or married, or anything. Just tell me your thoughts.
Tags: books, giveaway, marriage, Shannon Etheridge
Hi Sarah,
You have hit it so on the nail. The self-control to be God-controlled is a major struggle for me. I constantly fail…
I take my eyes off the prize and become self-centered instead of self-controlled.
Thank you (again) for a much needed reminder!!!
Love-Oly
I really regret not waiting until marriage. I was a teen in the 80′s & we just had all kinds of sex:)
Oy vey! Good reminder! I’m coming out of a similar situation myself, and it sounds like these books would be so helpful.
Hey Sarah,
I actually am not married, but I am single and experienced sex before marriage. I recently in March felt convicted to tell my sister after a sermon my pastor talked about being sexual pure at church. By telling her I felt revealed and felt the wait of guilt off my shoulders. After getting a promise ring and rededicating myself to the Lord I feel that its the hardest to have self-control after experiencing sex before marriage, but I know that in the end its going to be better than anything to wait and to start over again!!I also feel that this waiting is bringing me closer and closer to God to become more and more like him!
i agree….self-control spills over in all areas of our life: self-control with finances, speech, expression of emotions, etc. I seem to ask the same question over and over again. How does one gain self-control when you’ve grown up in a house where self-control was properly modeled. How do you respond to a person who says, “Well, I don’t know how to have self-control. I try. I don’t know how to really discern God’s will.” …voice of frustration…trying to cling on to hope.
Self-control is something we struggle with from birth. It shapes us, it molds us..and sometimes teaches us life lessons complete with gut wrenching pain and tears because of lack of it. We cannot escape it but we can lean onto God to help us get through it and make the right decisions when faced with it.
Self Control is a behavior. You must practice it to achieve it. “Trying” to exercise self control is just giving yourself an excuse to not do it. It is something that I believe all humans struggle with and have lapses with (me included!!), but in the end you do it or you don’t. Thanks Sarah- great post!
Great post Sarah!! Thank you….
I would really like to read these books, I think the topic of self-control is something that many Christians struggle with but try to hide because it is “taboo.” I struggle with different aspects of self-control on a daily basis…and would love to read what the author has to say about dealing with this. Thank you for this chance!
-Abbie
I’m a single woman that is in her 30′s. I personally don’t think that when I was growing up, I was truly prepared to deal with these issues. I grew up in the church & went to a Christian college (Biola) and went to a Christian camp every year since I was in 5th grade! And yet, in all that time, I don’t think I was ever given an accurate picture of temptation and the struggle to stay pure.
It was talked about. But not in a real and up front way and frankly, it was like it was something that they felt like they had to say to check a box. And so when they did they it was just barely skimming the surface. And it definitely wasn’t talked about at home.
I think we can do better than we have in preparing young people and singles for this struggle. But that requires people like me and you and anyone else who has been there to be very up front about what we’ve been through, the choices we’ve made in the past and why we made them.
One thing I’ve really clung to in remembering the need to practice self-control is that it always comes down to God’s love. If we truly believe that God loves us, then we can trust that His “rules” are going to be best for us. Then having self-control, waiting for marriage or staying inside marriage, becomes about trusting His plans and purposes for our lives. I think our obedience brings Him glory, not from our action but from the fact that we’re understanding His love even more.
Thank you so much for sharing your story – you are so brave! I have been reading your blog for some time now. I’m at the point where I need to do something… but to be honest, the reaction of my husband and the people in my church is what I am afraid of.
Self-control…probably the fruit of the spirit I struggle with the most. Whether it’s controlling myself when standing before the holiday cookie platter, controlling my tongue when I am frustrated with my in-laws, controlling myself while disciplining my 2 young children…I always, ALWAYS could use more self control. I’m intrigued by these books and will be looking them up at my local library. Thanks for the tip.
this rang so true in my life this morning. i am getting married in 12 days and it is something we have struggled with. we are still virgins (through the grace of God!) but its hard. so hard.
I think it’s a great post. I’m in my 30s, single, and sexually pure though, had emotional affairs though,and agree that it’s a practice and purpose that we have to make in our heart as David did in regards to our behavior and actions. It’s something that needs to be discussed more openly in accountability groups and christian circles. I’m waiting for marriage and just enjoying my singleness as I wait upon the Lord. thank you for addressing this topic.
I agree with so many others. Self-control is more than just a sexual issue. It is something we must practice in all areas of life. Patience is my biggest struggle with self-control. I have three boys ages 4 and under. They doddle, make messes, are loud and disobey. Not losing my temper (aka self-control) is a daily challenge. I am working very hard on it but still fail. Daily. Hopefully my boys are seeing the changes in me and are seeing me model self-control. As boys in a media-crazy world, they are going to need it!
Self control is so difficult. I struggle with it in many different ways… financially, physically, emotionally. Its definitely something I could improve.
to me, self control = God control. He must increase, i must decrease….and over again. every day. dying to self. thanks sarah for this great post.
Self control… something my husband & I are constantly learning (and yes, struggling with)–especially during his deployments. Even if I don’t win I’m definitely going to buy it.
karen, i’ll be praying for you. my own set of problems came to a head during our third deployment. while i won’t trouble you with specifics, just know that we’re more vulnerable than we think, and to have Godly support is the best way to maintain self control. i’m so glad you recognize this and just know you are not alone! sisterly love…abi
My husband was 27 and pure when we met, I had a past, I was not pure, he had a hard time accepting that he could have saved himself for his wife and she did not do the same, we had major healing and now as the Pastors of a Church Plant, we minister continually out of our story. Our wedding night was our first time being intimate and it was REMARKABLE to say the least.. Even though I had a past I now am the recipient of the blessing of my husbands faithfulness and the redemption of a gracious God who holds no record of wrongs if we are repentant before him..
I believe you can enter marriage in a sacred and pure way even having had a past..
When we do pre marital counseling we often say that the self control it takes before marriage is not just before marriage it matters long after you say I DO, self control to hold your tongue when you want to shred your spouse in a moment, self control to not blow up at your Children when you are at your lowest.. etc..
Thanks for an exceptional honest blog!
Sarah, I have been reading your blog for awhile now and your words really strike me. It is Christmas, my marriage is a disaster, and I am not sure where to turn. I have done a lot of lying to myself and to my husband which neither of us deserve. Thanks for blogging about your experiences. I have hope because of your story and the happiness that exudes from your writing.
I think you’re so right – it’s all about self-control. I think learning to develop self-control is a major “plus” in the why it’s worth it column, even more than the positive results for your relationship…self-control will spill over into other areas of your life too. We’re such an instant gratification culture, in more ways than just sex.
We are one of the few couples we know (even among Christians) who waited for marriage. And it’s been interesting to see the blessings we have had in our marriage as a result of our obedience. Not that things are perfect, but we are free from any wrong patterns, guilt etc that come from not waiting. And developing self-control (a fruit of the SPIRIT not “trying harder”) . . .
Sarah, thank you for your honest post. Self-control in relationships is such a tough area, because even among Christians there are different boundaries for “what’s ok” and “what’s not.”
My husband and I have been married for a year now, and we’re both so happy that we set up boundaries early in our relationship. I won’t list them out here, but these boundaries were very specific about what was “ok” and what “wasn’t ok.”
We also told a close friend or two about these boundaries, so that they, too, could hold us accountable.
This honesty early on helped us as we got closer and closer to our wedding, and is ever so important even now.
Self-control is an on going thing that affects our daily lives. Honesty with each other, with mentors, and with our God is so vital to our marriage.
I agree about self control being woven into MANY areas in our lives. This is something we are trying to teach our girls the concept of. It would be much easier if their parents were a better example though.:) This is a tough thing…the fruit is so rewarding though!! The books you are giving away sound very interesting.
Merry Christmas,
Denise
Yeah, I think you are right on with this. Even though my husband and I did have self-control before marriage and waited, that doesn’t mean that self-control isn’t hard in other areas. How many times do I tell my kids, keep your hands to yourself, stop, wait, etc.? Self-control starts at the youngest of ages and carries on.
thanks,
Julie
I would love to read this book. I think I need it in too many areas. Thank you for your honesty and openness which speaks to me and so many others every time.
I think (or at least hope) I am becoming a pro at waiting and being single. I am one of few single women in my immediate group of friends and it can be quite difficult when 3 friends marry in a 3 month span last year and 2 more friends marry this year with another 2 getting engaged within the last two weeks. What gets me through is definitely God and His call for my life. I might desire to be married and I might have a promise to be married someday but God has some other things up His sleeve for my life before I am ready for that. I just need to get on with my purpose because the only one who can hinder or delay any of God’s plans for our lives is ourselves. I think for 2010 I am going to start to step out in my purpose. Thanks for posting!
Blessings,
Jen
I was taught [and am] that waiting is a must.
as years past it became me decision to wait. I am not near being married in the near future, but I strongly believe that waiting is one of the must-do-s. I too heard that quote, not sure if from the book, but I did hear it. If you can’t self-control yourselves before, why do you believe you can do it after you wear a wedding ring?
I still don’t know why being single and not in the prospect of getting married is so horrible. And the need to have sex is so strong. [???] If you ask me, being single is a great thing and that time is intended for some purpose.
So I try to get the best out of my singleness and make waiting one of my strong point.
Hi,
I came across your website via a friend. I have been with my husband since I was 16. I am now 28, we have been married for 5 years, and I had an affair 4 years ago. My husband has shown amazing grace in forgiving me, but even though years have passed, we’ve had counceling, and I found my way back to God because of what I did, I have yet to forgive myself. I can’t think about what I did without feeling completely wreched. It’s also something I believe God cannot forgive me for, and while I know that that is not true, I still can’t help but feel that when my time comes, God is not going to forgive me for it. I don’t feel I deserve my husbands forgiveness either, and it is such a good thing he is a great guy, because truly he could treat me awful and I would let him because I feel like I deserve that and much more. If these books can help ME work through what I did, I would LOVE to read them. In the mean time, thank you so much for your honesty about your affair, it is refreshing, and something I hope I am able to do one day.
Much love,
Marissa
how funny that sometimes you hear something so simple and yet so true and wonder how you never thought of it that way before. i so agreee with the concept that self control before marriage equals self control later. i faced the dame temptations before marrying my husband. i only wish i had been told this simple idea.
I have read these books and LOVE them. I don’t need to be in the give away I just wanted to respond. Self control is SO hard. It’s not natural, it’s learned. I have excercised self control in diet, excercise, attitude and daily habits but self control is hard in thoughts.
It’s way to easy to let our minds wander to places they should never go. When I have struggles, I ask God to take my thoughts captive and to have the mind of Christ. Not always easy but it’s a must.
The thing about temptation is, it tricks you into thinking that “self control” is an oxymoron. This was an encouraging post, and a reminder that through Christ, I really can do all things.
Thanks.
I already have most of these books so I don’t want to be considered for the giveaway but I wanted to tell all your readers that if they don’t win these here please check them out from the library or buy a copy. Every Man’s Battle & Every’s Women’s Battle are essential reading!
My husband and I have a 21yo son we gave up for adoption when we were 18. We continued to date and later married and now have 3 beautiful children who probably will never know about their brother. Its a painful part of our past – and we know we did the right thing. I’m doing my best to instill what it truly means to be pure to my children (13, 10 & 7).
It’s like you [God] clunked me over the head with a boulder. Hello?! Thanks, Sarah, [and God!] I needed to hear that…right now!
So true and so powerful. God has been showing me how little self-control I have…in taking care of my home, myself and my relationships. Such a simple message yet so powerful. Thank you.
My husband and I got saved when we were living together. We then tried to live on different floors until we were married six weeks later. If we as so much bumped into each other, well… let’s just say it was very difficult for us to try to say pure. I was so afraid he wasn’t going to go through with the marriage, so I didn’t move out. But I wish I had. I wish I had been pure for him, as he would have for me. Years later dealing with some sexual abuse issues from my childhood I realized how much porn affected me when I was a little girl.
Having two teenagers now who are seeking to do what is right. We pray for them and have shared our story with them. So they will know that no amount of pleasure for the moment makes up for years of regret and shame.
Great post.
I so wish I had been a virgin when I married. I think it would have saved me from a divorce and would have also influenced a different choice of marriage partner, perhaps one more committed to the marriage. Throwing away the marriage was as easy as throwing away my virginity. They were disposable and not valued much at the time. Guilt and regret has thrown me headlong into a single self-imposed exile.
In working with college/post-college women, this is the topic I find myself trying to navigate MOST often. One that isn’t talked about, navigated, prayed through enough. If every Believing woman was honest, ALL of us would have to say that it is just as much a battle for us as it is for men.
And you’re right- what we do now with our lives TOTALLY impacts our future marriage.
Sarah,
A book that helped me see sex and chastity in a different light is Lauren Winner’s book “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity.” I’m a single woman who has been exposed to a lot of media-type thought on sex. The world tells us that we should have sex and whenever we want. Scripture really doesn’t spell it out. There is no “Thou Shalt Not Sleep With Thy Boyfriend” commandment. However Jesus tells us that if we look at somebody and imagine having sex with them then we have committed adultery. I agree with waiting until marriage to have sex. However in this world we are overexposed to sexual images and the idea of instant gratification. Which is tied into self-control. Self-control is something we need to exercise in all areas of our lives. I think especially because we are Christians.
Thank you for sharing,
Royce
Passion and Purity has long been one of my faovrites. If I could find a copy, I would pick it up for my teenage daughters. Elliot addresses this same issue with forcefulness, that purity depends upon the focus of your passion being Christ.
Hi Sarah,
Long time reader, first time poster here. I have struggled with self control for as long as I can remember. I am “skilled” at losing it and acting out in anger when I feel uncared for, unloved, and frustrated….to the point to where I am completely out of control and it’s scary for me and especially for those around me. Aprox. 2 years ago, I was informed by an undisclosed outside source that my husband had been involved in multiple affairs….Talk about lack of self control! I lost it, rightfully so maybe, but as a result I also almost lost my life but by the grace of GOD I am still here & so very thankful! Praise the LORD! Through this roller coaster of an experience, GOD is using it for good…HE’s disciplining me & I am finally learning how to live life with more self control. GOD is also using this experience to discipline my husband with his issues of self control. It’s not easy and we still have a long way to go but I trust that GOD will bring us through this and in the end our marriage will be better than it ever could’ve been….So instead, I should say it will be a new beginning for us! Right now hubby is reading Every Mans Battle (he received it as a gift from his sponsor at his Celebrate Recovery group, which is held at our wonderful church….I’ve just recently started attending this recovery group as well – I highly recommend it!) I started reading the book & even though it’s geared for him, I’m applying some lessons to our life & my own issues, and learning a lot. It is such a helpful tool….I hope to read more of these series of books. Speaking of helpful tools….your web site is such a Blessing to me, thank you so much for writing! GOD Bless!!
Amen. Thank you SO much for bringing this up and being transparent. They sound like fabulous books that I’ll have to add to my reading list regardless. I have read Every Woman’s Battle and man that one did a number on me and in understanding the fight for purity and self-control right after I came out of a time of not exercising self-control or even really knowing the why it’s so important and why God cares so much for us to live holy and pure lives. I still have SO much to learn and God definitely wants to continue to dig deep at some of the roots in my life that have led to a life without self-control. I loved the promises and the verses to stand on in the book–I even posted them by my mirror to remind myself!
I THINK IT IS HARD TO STAY FOCUSED ON CHRIST IN ALL AREAS OF OUR LIVES WHEN OUR WORLD IS FOCUSED ON SELFSATISFACTION. THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO WIN. -S
Interesting thoughts here. I was a virgin when I got married but my husband not. It bothered me a great deal that I had ‘saved’ myself and he didn’t!! I found out, after he had 2 affairs, that he had been with a handful of women before I met him, not just the ONE he told me about. We are almost divorced now, and I feel like sex has so messed up things in my life!! I sometimes feel like ‘what is the point’ of self-control and what good did it do me??
I have something to ponder about marriage. Does anyone else feel like they rushed into marriage because of the sex thing? My ex and I had a very quick engagement time and were encouraged to do that by my mom. I think she was worried about the sex aspect. This just throws such a monkey into it all for me. Why are we rushing into marriage?? It also makes me sad when I think about my future, and possibly re-marriage.
I suppose if you can master the self-control bit, then it shouldn’t be an issue??? And is it really just about sex, or self-control in general. I mean, I can tell myself I won’t have that cookie but later I sneak it anyway?? I like Meg’s point about having clear boundaries between the two of you.
I’m glad you are on the right track in your marriage. I think God will bless you for turning it around.
Thank you for your open heart to let the Holy Spirit speak so beautifully through you to encourage so many women. Self-control and purity are so difficult in a society that not only tolerates, but encourages blatant over-the-top sexuality.
As a single, divorced mother, it’s so important to me to remember daily that self-control is in my conduct, my dress and my deeds. Just because I have been married does not mean that leading a life not honoring God’s desires for sexuality is ok.
Again, I thank you for being such a blessing.
The fruit of the spirit is self control.. Yes I believe that anything can be put off and anything godly can be put on if you are walking by the spirit. That is the key- the abiding relationship.. so waiting to have sex, get married, have a child, move homes, change careers, can all be a godly act when it is waited on by the Lord under a spirit of self control and abiding faith that GOd is so much greater than any one “thing” I want.
Self control and waiting…God had you write this post (in part) for me. That is exactly where I am…waiting on God to lead us into marriage and struggling with having self control. Your words are God reminding me and chastening me that His way is the best way, the way that will lead us into purity within our marriage. Thank you.
About 6 months ago my boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up over this exact issue. We had began our relationship so pure, we were both doing youth ministry, we would pray together and we didn’t even kiss until after we had been dating for 6 months. But kissing soon lead to other stuff and eventually a year into our relationship we had sex. The very act of it completely destroyed our relationship. We broke up earlier this year because we knew we couldn’t keep living a double-life since we were serving in the church still and we no longer trusted eachother nor respected eachother. In the past few months since the break up God has begun to restore me. My ex-boyfriend and I asked eachother for forgiveness, for letting eachother down. And I have been given opportunities to minister to youth about sex before marriage and the consequences. The healing process has been hard but I know He has a plan. I trust Him. Thank you for writing this post Sarah, it was a nice reminder that I’m doing the right thing.