Seven years ago I had no idea how I got to the place I was: in the middle of an affair, depressed, obsessed and full of self-loathing. But I didn’t get there overnight.
During my healing and restoration I read Shannon Etheridge‘s book Every Woman’s Battle. In it she asks a question: If you can’t control yourself before you’re married, what makes you think you can control yourself after you’re married (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the page number).
Ahem. Right.
Because the thing is, we hadn’t controlled ourselves before we were married. When I got married in 1996 at the age of 21 Chad was not a virgin but I was. Technically, that is.
We had gone as far as we could go before we were married without actually having intercourse. So when we did get married, we began our intimacy off on the wrong foot: one laced with guilt and embarrassment. We had not been able to exercise the self control we knew we should have. In fact, half the reason we did get married 2 weeks after I graduated from college was so that we didn’t have to live out the rest of that summer having almost-sex whenever we were alone. We wanted the real deal.
Reading Shannon’s book in the months after my affair was an eyeopener to say the least (and it turned out to be the single most effective book I read during that period). I finally began to understand some of the roots of my problem: a fundamental and complete lack of Godly self-control.
Last week a reader emailed me ans asked me how Chad and I managed to say pure when we were dating, how we were able to “wait” until we were married. We hadn’t, I had to tell her. Not completely. She asked me how a girl can navigate through singleness and make it all the way to a future wedding day without sleeping with any potential boyfriends. And, was it worth it. My answer to her was almost too simplistic.
Yes, it was worth it.
And to how? Self-control.
The self-control couples need to keep from having sex before they are married is the same self-control that keeps me from having an affair. And its the same self-control that keeps my husband from looking at porn. Its the same self-control that keeps me waking up every day and striving to keep my marriage pure and focused.
That self-control doesn’t change as soon as I sport a wedding ring. It’s something that should be learned early and learned well. And then it must be practiced.
Or else it is all hopeless.
Which is why today I’m giving away a pack of Shannon Etheridge books. She has been generous to donate four books that I will give away as a set to one of YOU! Every Woman’s Battle, Every Woman’s Battle Promise Book, Words of Wisdom for Women at the Well and then a copy of the Stephen Arterburn book Every Man’s Battle (a must read for every husband/boyfriend).
Leave ONE comment before 9pm Tuesday telling us what you think about any of this: about self-control, about waiting, about being single, or married, or anything. Just tell me your thoughts.
Tags: books, giveaway, marriage, Shannon Etheridge
I think a big struggle is when your husband leaves after an affair. It is so easy to find your self-esteem, that has been destroyed, by becoming attractive to men. The current thinking is to get out there and start dating much younger men. ” It will make you feel better and help the healing process”. Which we all know isn’t true, but somedays it sounds like a very good idea. When there wasn’t self-control before your marriage, how much harder is it when the marriage ends.
Trisha – thanks for being honest. Sorry to hear of your pain. Hearing what you are going through makes me feel less crazy for being attracted to younger men! Have to watch those thoughts…
Wow, what a great post! This is something that is definitely not talked about enough in the Christian circles. The pressure and temptation that young people have to deal with now days with regards to sex is overwhelming. I made so many mistakes and the one thing I completely regret was not staying pure. I have never looked at it as being an issue of self-control until now. I also never realized how many aspects of my life and relationship with God and others depends on self-control. Thanks I really needed this wake-up call!
Oh Sarah – I keep loving your honesty.
Although the truth of its implications to me are always more painful than I would like.
Your entrance to marriage is eerily like mine and my husband’s entrance to marriage – and it not a mistake I wish our children to do.
Self-control. I want to teach it to them. I want to model it.
Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder.
Growing up I didn’t fully know that waiting for marriage was a viable and desirable option. My husband and I slept together after only a few weeks of dating. I had more sexual partners and good friends of the opposite sex than he had, and I know he resented that about me.
This all reared it’s ugly head 14 years later when I got back in touch with 3 ex-boyfriends on facebook, and had emotional affairs with 2 of them, and 1 other guy I knew in the past. I didn’t exercise self control or boundaries, and instead hid the relationships from my husband. When he stumbled upon an email I had written to one of the guys, all my secrets came tumbling down like a house of cards. I seriously damaged my husband’s trust in me, and things were rough between us for a while. He chose to forgive me and I have been working very hard at understanding why I chose to seek emotional support outside of my marriage, and to change my ways. I still had emotional ties to the men I had been sexually intimate with in the past.
My husband’s forgiveness and willingness to work on improving our marriage has made me extremely thankful to God for a second chance. I am seeking after God now and building a new relationship in faith. It has completely turned me around and I am happier and experiencing more joy than ever before.
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly, Sarah. I can really relate to many of your posts, and it has helped me tremendously in getting onto the right path after my detour.
Sarah this helps me a bunch! I never connected the lack of self control before marriage to the lack of it during marriage.
Wow, awesome! Thanks/
smooches,
Larie
Wow – this is great! Like someone else said, I never connected those dots before – self-control before and after marriage. Simple.
When my ex-husband and I were dating, we had a similar story. He was the one with the emotional and physical affairs in our marriage, and we were divorced after about 5 years. He had no self-control in many areas.
HOWEVER, things change. I am now getting ready to be married again – to my ex-husband! We are waiting, again, to consumate our marriage. Sometimes it’s easier, but other times it’s more difficult. Yet, he is exercising better self-control this time around.
I would love to read these books, if I happen to be chosen as the winner. Thanks, Sarah.
Self control. This is one I battle every day. We too have been on the journey of discovery- understanding that purity doesn’t end/start when you pass each other those shiny rings. It’s so funny how purity is such a big deal when you are dating and then after marriage, it is never discussed. But Daniel and I do talk about it – a lot and I have talked to several people about it since then. For me, the battle has always been and starts in my mind (believing the lies and acting out) and trying not to allow my imagination to take hold and taking every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5). I don’t know why this is still such a fight for me. Daniel is gracious though and he forgives me often.
I love the “battle” series. I have read several of them. I agree completely about not having self control before the marriage makes it unlikely you will have it in the marriage. These books were the single mist helpful thing I read during a very dark period in my marriage. They helped me understand and forgive and restore my marriage.
I wish I would of waited….definitely! I didn’t know Jesus when I was in my college years, and I didn’t know Him until after I was married. My husband and I have an amazing marriage, one that we are still discovering TOGETHER. Our likes, our dislikes, and more importantly I am learning to be completely open with him when it comes to our life in the bedroom, and vice versa. We went through a rough time, mainly because of me….and the loss of our son, but mostly because we just weren’t connecting on an intimate level. I just prayed and prayed that God would reignite the flame that I knew was there. Then I started working on my wedding album (scrapbooking it) and it was wonderous….all the things I forgot about my husband became alive again, and I immediately fell right back into the most amazing love with him. A new love, a strong love, and we are stronger than ever! I’ve never read these books, but in reading these I feel that I could learn even more!
Your statement about learning to practice self control early and learning it well is so true and powerful. As the mother of two teenage boys this is something that my husband and I are trying to teach them and the importance of living this in all areas of their lives. The old cliche “oh, they’re just sowing their wild oats” is such a pathetic excuse….because there are some painful harvests later as a result. Thanks for continuing to share your story and speak God’s love and wisdom into our lives.
I have made more than my share of mistakes in my life. And so has my husband. I hope and pray that I can teach my children to take the right path as they make decisions.
Thank you so much for your posts. I adore reading your blog.
I agree with this post hole heartedly. I have learned from my mistakes but still have to continue daily to apply self control in all areas of my life, not just a few. Even if I dont win these books, this author will definitely go on my list of must reads!
that is one thing i wish younger kids (thinking of my high school cousins) would actually listen to their parents/older friends about. your sexually history– be it with one or many partners- be it first base or further– impacts your future relationships and eventually your marriage. so many people just brush it off and say “we learn from our mistakes.” even though i’ve learned so much, i would much rather not deal with the guilt, shame, embarrassment that my previous relationships bring into my marriage. i wish i would have had better self-control.
thanks for being so amazingly open. i’m a new reader and love to hear things from your perspective. it’s refreshing to hear such blatant honesty.
I recently had this conversation with a friend of mine as she was preparing to walk down the aisle for the second time. We have been friends for over 20 years and having grown up in the church together and *hearing* all the “right” things about waiting. We were both virgins when we got married to our husbands. Sadly, we think the church does NOT do a good job of talking about self-control, purity and sex in general from a realistic perspective. I also think that simply by telling people to “wait” before marrying is a little bit of a disservice. My BFF’s first marriage ended because of a complete incompatibility sexually and intimately. They thought that love could conquer everything and the intimacy would improve. Since they “Waited” wouldn’t God make sure that aspect of the relationship would be like that in Song of Solomon? Sadly, it didn’t and it wasn’t and it created more problems. They say that if the sex/intimacy in a marriage is good, it is only 5% of the equation. If the sex/intimacy in a marriage is bad, it is 95% of the equation.
Why is the church afraid to talk about sex in a REAL and HONEST way.
My BFF and I talked about this a lot before she married a second time. We both feel like the church does a disservice and actually HURTS many marriages and sets them up for failure. I definitely know the value of “waiting” for so many reasons, but being in an essentially sexless relationship now, 10+ years into my own marriage, (the sex has never been great even from the beginning!) makes me question that decision. I am a very physically affectionate person and if I knew then, what I know now, I likely would not have made the decision to marry him. It is a horrible thing to say, but that lack of physical intimacy/affection has caused many fights, arguements, hurt feelings, depression and distrust. His lack of interest in me caused me to question myself, stray and find the answers to my questions elsewhere. When your husband tells you he’s attracted to you and you’re beautiful and sexy but doesn’t want to have sex with you – it is devastating. You question yourself as a woman. You question if you are desireable, if you are beautiful. You question yourself as a woman. You look for validation either way. Sadly, I found validation that I was a beautiful, sexy and desirable woman from other men. Sad but true.
I married a really good guy in every way – except the sexual intimacy. People tell us we’re the “perfect” couple – but we’re not. While the lack of sex may sound minor in the big scheme of things to some people – it’s not. It’s HUGE. H-U-G-E! I have prayed and cried over this for years and have now pretty much resigned myself to a sexless marriage, although I don’t believe that is what God desires for our marriages. At times it feels like a cruel joke – a super physical person married to someone who doesn’t touch them. *After all these years I still cry when I think about it.* We still fight and argue about it, but I guess I am just so “over” fighting about it. The self-control to not find that validation and intimacy elsewhere is paramount and probably my biggest personal struggle. I must avoid even the smallest temptations, which you previously blogged about. The too-long stare, the “harmless’ conversations, or simply allowing my mind to wander when I see an extremely attractive man coming towards me, or staring at me in the gym.
Unfortunately, I know several other christian women with whom I have had this conversation, some on their first marriage, others divorced and/or remarried. Most of them cited the same issues and concerns about the way the church addresses sex, sexual intimacy and “waiting”.
I don’t know the answers as to how to “fix” this, or even how I will approach this issue with my own children as they get a bit older. I’d love for them to wait, but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to do them the same disservice the church did us and have them end up in sexless and intimately lacking marriages.
Thanks for bringing up the topic Sarah…
Just me – do you think he might be into porn? You might find this website interesting: http://www.godsavemymarriage.com and the forum through the same ministry: http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards
Sorry to hear of your struggles!
I read Every Man’s Battle at the recommendation of my husband…it opend my eyes to the struggles that a man has every day! I’ve never read Every Woman’s Battle…but would love to…and I want my 24 yr old daughter to read it too!! Thanks for your honesty regarding your struggle!
I could not agree with you more…about all of it! My husband and I did not practice self-control before we were married with others, or each other. We too got married very young at 19 & 22. He was the first person I was with, but we did not wait, and have regretted it ever since. I just wish I had learned how to deal with men and sex all before I got married. It would have helped me avoid the affair I found myself in. My husband and I are doing better than ever at communicating and loving each other, but there is still much healing to be done. I need all the resources I can get to continue on the journey of healing and growing. Both as an individual woman, and a wife.
Thanks. This helps me remember that there’s more to purity than just sex. This sounds like a book I should read.
I would love to read these books! One of the biggest eye-openers in my two years of marriage has been realizing the reality of my husband’s struggles. I am also learning that I need to safeguard myself as well. I am so grateful my husband is honest with me and doesn’t keep secrets from me so that together we can be strong and grow and overcome the daily battles.
thank you for your openness Sarah. You are SUCH a blessing!
Purity is such a precious treasure but I didn’t understand its value until it was gone. I praise my Jesus every day for His grace which restores purity and ask His wisdom to help my husband and I instill the value of purity in our daughters. Sweet Jesus, give them hearts that cling to purity!
As a single woman I have decided to wait to share my body with my husband. I am not saying that i have a perfect past or that i am never made mistakes because I have. While i am no where near getting married, its not always easy to remain pure, even just in thought. Thanks for the reminder.
Amazing again! Just hoping that we can teach our children the self control they need when they get older. I never put the two together of having self control before aids in having the self control later!
Having NOT waited until the vows, it is a lifelong regret. And now, I’ve got 4 kids we’re trying to teach the right way to be. These books are treasures.
It’s amazing how you don’t realize what “waiting” really means until you’re expected to do so.
what an awesome post. i am in the process of picking life group material and I think this might be it! it’s a good thing since my decision was supposed to be made yesterday!
My husband and I didn’t practice self control before we were married. My husband has had multiple partners and I have only ever had him. In the back of your mind in my case there is always the lingering question of whether you are good enough, or measure up. I have nothing to compare it to. My prayer for my children is that I can instill this into them even while they are 2 and 3 that it’s always worth the wait, no matter what we are talking about!
Self Control is something we need to teach our children, it is not a natural behavior, it is learned.
What a great post! The self-control thing…we were virgins when we got married but also pushed the limits further than we should have. Yet I am so, so thankful that we waited. And the Lord allowed us to go into marriage without physical baggage from other relationships. We see now, as we have friends that are haunted by past sexual experiences, what a gift that has been. Yet, so many singles are fed a lie that it really doesn’t matter, they won’t find anyone else that has waited and it won’t affect their marriage. Are you kidding? I even have Christian friends that truly feel it is unrealistic to expect their children to remain sexually pure so they need to teach them a back up plan. To morality? To self-control? I think that is like telling my son I don’t believe he is capable of making an A in school so let’s be realistic and shoot for a D. Who says that to their kid?
Sorry for the soap box but it does boil down to self-control but even more so Who is controlling your self? If I simply relied on my own ability to control my sexual desires, I am screwed…literally. It must be abandoned at the feet of Christ and I had to/have to depend on His strength to sustain me so I won’t lose control. Would love to get my hands on those books for myself and quite a few of my hurting friends:)
Contentment is another thing I’m trying to learn as a single woman. And I think its directly related to self-control. If we can learn to be content in the season of life God has placed us in, then its easier to draw lines where they should be drawn when we’re tempted by those things meant for a future season.
I really like this post! I am a single mom and I have newly recommitted my life to the Lord. Dating is so much different when you are living as a Christian vs in the world. I really just want to say thank to for being the one to talk about it candidly.