An older woman sat across from me in Starbucks on Tuesday.
“Can I just rest here while they make my drink?” she asked me. The unfortunate responsibility of claiming the table nearest to the barista’s bar, I smiled and nodded my head. I went back to working on chapter twelve.
I could barely hear her through my headphones and as she obviously wanted to have a conversation, I took them out. “That guy over there is really tall,” she noticed. “And very cute, don’t you think?”
I glanced over to see who she was referring to. An attractive man towered over the others in the line waiting for lattes and peppermint mochas. I smiled at the woman and nodded again. I didn’t know how to answer her. “But not for me!” she laughed, referring to her age.
“Not for me either,” I replied.
He grabbed his drink and walked past us and out the door.
No one else for me. Ever. I thought.
And I didn’t even look up as he passed by us. I didn’t want to look up.
I’m not perfect, but I know what my limits are. I know that if I’m sitting in Starbucks and Tall Attractive Guy sits near me so that I can see him while I’m working, I’d better turn around or leave altogether. I know not to catch the eye of the good looking guy dropping off his kid at school the same time as me. I know to spend time with the moms rather than the dads at the soccer games. I do my best not to put myself in the place of being tempted at all.
Because to be honest, I don’t want to have to make those types of decisions ever again. The ones that mean life or death. I want to preclude them by safeguarding myself before I even get to that point.
Sitting there by myself I would NEVER have looked up to glance at the guy. But sometimes temptation comes in the form of a friendly old woman calling my attention what she thinks is a harmless cute guy standing in the Starbucks line. But if I linger, and I chat with him and I laugh then it isn’t harmless anymore. So I stop it before I even look. Before I even want to linger and chat.
Some of it is that I’m content.
Some of it is desire to be honest and true to the promises I’ve made.
And some of it is just habit that I’ve built over the last six years.
I never want to put myself in the situation ever again to even have the opportunity to make a good or bad choice when it comes to marital faithfulness. Anything less than this is too risky for me, for my husband and for our relationship. So I do all that I can to keep my own heart safe.
Because if I safeguard my own heart, I safeguard my marriage.
How do you keep your heart safe? Your marriage? Do you think I’m being TOO prudish?
****And, drumroll please. The winner of the iTunes, Starbucks, Moleskine giveaway is Alece.
She says:
ooooh i love this armstrong pic — but i really loved the one you tweeted. (twitted? i still don’t know proper twitter lingo!)
i gotta say i’m loving your trio. they’re staples of mine as well. i knew we were kindred spirits!
okay, a trio of favorites… hmmmm… these things are seriously hard for me! although i think my perfectionistic self makes them harder than they need to be. but i digress. (i’m gonna blame it on the fact that it’s 6:17 AM. and i haven’t slept yet. even after taking THREE melatonins! (oooh! that’s a trio!!) dang insomnia!)
anyway.
my trio of always-in-my-purse favorites:
minty lip gloss
best pen ever
orbitz mint mojito gum
See, it pays to have insomnia!! Congrats Alece. I’ll send your package today. By the way, go visit her at Grit and Glory. You’ll fall in love.
Tags: boundaries, faithfulness, marriage
Congratulations to Alece!
No, you’re not being too prudish. You’re doing what you know it takes to stay true. Good for you.
i applaud you for knowing your limits and sticking to them. not prudish at all…just smart! your post, as always, gives me a lot to think about. thank you.
I don’t think you are being prudish at all. I think you are being very wise and honest by having limits. Thanks for your transparency. I love reading your blog.
Too prudish? Absolutely not! We are to guard our heart above all things.
I do not want to have to make those decisions ever again either. I had an affair on my husband almost 6 years ago. The man is a patient in my office. I know that I can’t go ‘chat it up’ with him while he is waiting in the lobby. In fact, it is best that I avoid talking to him at all costs! Not only him, I shouldn’t have those intense conversations with any man other than my husband. I can’t be close friends with a man.
Knowing our limits is one of the best ways to guard our hearts and put a hedge of protection around our marriages.
thanks for sharing that misty.
We set boundaries before we got married … both my husband and I grew up in homes where our mothers had affairs … we knew the heartache, the distrust, the fear, all of the consequences are a part of our childhoods. Yes, our parents made it … but it was hard, harder than it should have been or was intended to be. And we had long conversations about what the limits were for each of us … limits that we had learned from watching our parents and boundaries we had learned from our own previous relationships, etc. Being in ministry adds another level of caution for us as well. Having those lines set … like I’m never alone in a room or car with a man … has made it easier for me to stay out of potentially tempting situations. It’s not being a prude … it’s wisdom and it is the best protection we have for our marriages.
I think you are being wise!!!! I have been married 18 years and that is how I have dealt with ohter guys my whole marriage-unless my man is around, other men aren’t. I don’t linger in converstation with them or eye contact. Thankfully that is a bridge I have never crossed. Truthfully for a long time my husband said I was usually rude to other men, I just wanted the line to be obvious that I was a road that was not for them. Our boundaries were kinda set from the beginning-it was just the way we were with eachother.
I love this post-honesty and communication-is HUGE…….
Great post, Sarah!
Intimacy with our spouses, as we all know, takes lots of work and effort…it doesn’t happen on its own. Second glances, lingering eye-contact, longer than appropriate conversations, and the like are all what I call “intimacy leaks” in a marriage.
Thank you for your honesty and for addressing this VERY important topic.
that’s a really good term for it, traylor “intimacy leaks”. i like it. thank you for commenting.
Sarah, I think it is awesome that you know exactly what it takes to guard your heart from making the same choices. My friend, Andy, once said this to me, “God will place you in situations that you have been in before to see if you will make the same choices or if you have learned from the past and will choose better the next time around.”
I will be praying for you that you continue to keep those boundaries and guard your heart.
Blessings!
You’re so on the mark. I ask myself the same question sometimes, am I too prudish, because I instinctively act the same way as you. I feel uncomfortable if I’m left alone in a room with another guy. Sometimes I feel jealous of friends who can have casual and friendly relationships with BOTH genders. But then I remember that at least one of those friends has fallen for the same temptation as yours. So maybe it’s not so bad to feel awkward here and there.
Great post, Sarah. I’ve found I need to safeguard my heart, too, and sometimes temptation can come in forms you’d never expect. (Like my best friend and People’s Sexiest Man issue? Anyone else?) Thanks for sharing your heart – again and again.
And YAY for Alece!!!
I am so grateful for your honesty here. I find that sometimes doing what you need to do, to safeguard, is what you need to do!!!
(Is that confusing?! )
you are a wise and strong woman!
Thank you so much for posting this today. You have NO IDEA how timely this is and how much I needed needed to hear this today, of all days.
Be blessed, Sarah!
i’m so glad, leigh. =)
I don’t think you’re being too prudish at all. We each have our own extents that we go to in order to keep promises that we’ve made, and vows to our spouses and to God. It looks different for everyone, but I’m with you. Sometimes I don’t even want to look to test myself.
You are being very faithful to the boundaries you have set for yourself! It’s a wise woman to know the limits. Sometimes it takes us a while to get there. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and found it very helpful going through a situation with my husband and self. Your blog has helped immensely! Keep on writing:)
Laura T
Fabulous post.
You’re absolutely right. Better to know your boundaries and stick to them than risk crossing the line.
Sarah,
Great post….
Rhett
I love your post Sarah. I lead a couple’s group and Wednesday nights and this is the kind of thing we talked about last night. Temptaion and how to protect ourselves.
Two questions I will always ask myself in a situation that could be tempting: “Would I do/say this if my spouse were here?” and “Would I do/say this if I knew God was around?”
Thank you for being so honest and sharing the truth of your life.
Sarah, I LOVE your wisdom! It makes so much sense but I have a question. I am a Christian with eyes only for my husband but where do you draw the line at being friendly? I struggle with that. I ask people in general how they are and like to know about them as people. My intention is not to be flirty but to be caring person? HELP!
I think “friendly” is just fine. Absolutely. And I think the “line” is different for every person. caring and kind is one thing, flirty and overly interested is something else. a lot of it depends on your purpose and your goal.
i think i err on the conservative side when it comes to male/female friendships as a married person. that being true, i limit my opposite gendered friendships as much as possible. i don’t work outside the home so I don’t have that factoring into my life. but i’m also not so conservative that i’m unfriendly or standoffish. i try to keep it all in moderation.
for example, a few weeks ago, a male friend of my husband ran into me at Starbucks while i was writing. he said “hello” and we started chatting for about 10 minutes. it was fine, innocent and good connecting with him because i hadn’t seen him in several months. the next time i talked to chad, i mentioned that i’d seen his friend earlier and that we’d chatted. he’s nice and i am in no way attracted to him. if i was and i still ran into him, i would have made an exit or kindly excused myself to keep working.
does that make any sense at all?
That makes a lot of sense, Sarah!
Like Michelle expressed in her comment, I have also struggled with trying to find the balance. A few years ago, people used to take my friendly behavior for flirtation. Flirtation WAS NOT my intention so I majorly worked on that area to the point where I became very stand-offish and UNfriendly towards men. that wasn’t good either. The past year I have been trying to find my balance and I think I’m getting there. You did a great job of describing it!
Sarah, I’m enjoying so much getting to know you and reading your blog. Thank you for laying it all out there. May God bless you for your willingness to be transparent.
I don’t really know. I am single so my standards are different than yours.
I used to treat all of my guy friends like my brothers. However, I have to be careful with the married ones because some of the playful behavior with my brothers could be construed as flirting. I believe that men and women can be great friends, but only if you know your boundries and theirs.
No, you’re not prudish, because you’re working within your own boundaries. You know what’s best for you and your marriage, and I applaud you for living within your limits. I don’t have anything quite as specific, but my limitations basically depend on whether I would be comfortable with my husband doing X,Y, or Z if the situation were reversed.
Beautiful post. I love your heart. You keep on protecting it and your marriage.
In Christ,
Julie
love this…thoughtful & timely…
in the book of job, when his friends are trying to “convict him” of secret sins that they think MUST be there…he tells his friends: “i have made a covenant with my eyes…”
job was a disciplined, thoughtful guy who knew his limits too.
i always try to look at the people i pass or glance at in the eyes…nowhere else…and then smile…
whenever i notice a pretty lady, i’ve learned the habit of deliberately thinking of my own bride of 39 years…and mentally saying HER name & specifically & emphatically enumerating one aspect of her beauty (both inward & outward)…
my almost-memorized-by-now “thot pattern” usually ends with something like, “God how i love my wife.”
maybe it helps me to remember her both by her name and her title in my heart.
love you,
dad
I LOVE that! I think I have done something similar when passing by attractive men. It is sometimes difficult to know how to discipline your thoughts (even when they aren’t “that bad”) and I love this strategy! Sometimes we can’t help our instant feelings but we can direct those feelings properly.
Thank you for sharing this
Great post. As someone who isn’t married yet, I definitely treat the unmarried guys in my life differently than the married ones. I used to think that was weird because some girls I know treat them all the same and it makes me blush by some of the things they say and the way they act towards men who are married (and these girls are Christians, ya’ll). I thought I wasn’t as socially forward or cool as they were or something. Now I know that I don’t have to feel different or awkward because I don’t act the way they do towards married men.
Great post. I agree with you completely.
I love your dad’s comment and how he thinks of his wife’s beauty to avoid temptation. What a sweet way to honor her in his heart, even as he protects his marriage. I’m going to try his technique and praise God for my husband the next time I encounter this temptation.
While I am sure the sweet old lady meant no harm, this situation made me think of this verse:
Matthew 7:13-14: “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
We all have to have boundaries that enable to stay on the narrow road. You know yourself best and what triggers might set you off to whatever path you shouldn’t go down. It is best to set personally unique boundaries and rules; which may seem to be completely crazy or over the top to others. I think it is just being prudent.
In today’s society, where divorce is int he 50% rate and climbing…I don’t believe there is such a thing as being too prudish when it comes to other men. Temptation is everywhere. We need to create boundaries in order to protect our hearts and protect our marriages.
Well phooey, Alece! But then again, she deserves it! Congrats! :]
Sarah, I don’t think you’re being too prudish if it’s what you think you need to do. You have to protect yourself from anything that might be tempting to you, and only you know what those things are. If it means not making eye contact, not making innocent chit-chat, then that’s what you need to do. I think the depth of the boundaries might be different for different people with different circumstances, but we all need to do what makes us feel safe, comfortable, and right about our choices. When you consider what’s at stake, we each need to do what we know is good for us and our situation.
No too prudish AT ALL.
Not pruish. At all.
Your convictions come through experience and wisdom.
Temptation may be a friendly old lady, but Wisdom is gorgeous and she beckons your attention too
prudish? no way! the only way to avoid the awful fall to the bottom is to avoid the edge of the cliff. it must be so deliberate. maybe drastic to some, but i know first hand how the lack of safeguards for my heart and my marriage caught me by surprise…..unfortunately, not before it was too late. so now? prude? well maybe….i’m ok with it. whatever it takes. great post.
I kept reading your title and thinking “Don’t you mean a friendly YOUNG lady??” but. ah. I get it. Wow.
Proud of you for sticking to your guns.
Hi Sarah,
I join the general consensus in saying “absolutely not prudish”–just wise. There’s truly no benefit to be gained from a lingering glance and lots to be feared. Good for you. Knowing our own boundaries is so crucial in guarding our hearts and minds! Blessings, Rachel W
My pastor said something the other day and it totally resonated with me. He said:
“You never FALL into sin, you usually set yourself up for it.”
So by you acting “prudish” you are in fact protecting yourself and your marriage and not setting yourself up to sin.
Way to go Sarah!!!
I really agree with your approach to handling potentially hazardous situations. Prevention is always better than cure. Your articles always inspire me; you always leave me with something to ponder. Thank you, for sharing who you are as well as your world.
Great Post!
I agree with you 100%. I do the same thing. I try to not even look certain men in the eye because for some reason it makes ME so uncomfortable. I don’t want them to look back. You know?
I like being friendly. I like making others feel welcome and comfortable. I have to guard that so closely now. I don’t ever want to make my husband think that I am “more interested” in someone of the opposite sex than just a passing hello.
It’s tough to balance and knowing your own limitations is so important! It’s nice to hear this from someone else. I feel like at times I’m almost rude but I think people understand.
Merry Christmas!
Jessica
you are wise, my friend, not prude.
and i’m stoked that i won!
This is a beautiful post. I’m a bit younger than you (25) but have been married for four years and have one little baby and another on the way. One of the things I cherish about my marriage and my husband is his wisdom in safeguarding our marriage.
Too many of those we know have relationships that are what we would deem as a little too open in the friends-of-the-opposite-gender category. My hubby makes comments to me from time to time about his friends who he sees having friendships with women and they always include some form of gratitude about the fact that he knows I would never even let him get to that place with another woman.
I cherish your blog posts on this topic as they always match my heart so closely – a match that is often hard to find.
Not a prude. If we all were more intentional and aware that WE ARE ALL CAPABLE OF COMMITTING ADULTERY we would do these things. But we don’t all think that. We think, “I’d never do that.”
But we do it.
But for the grace of God go I.
[...] posts on Facebook and Twitter. Sarah posts sometimes say what I am thinking. She wrote her post about temptation and marriage around the same time I wrote my post on the same [...]
[...] posts on Facebook and Twitter. Sarah posts sometimes say what I am thinking. She wrote her post about temptation and marriage around the same time I wrote my post on the same [...]
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