Sometimes my husband and I seriously don’t get along.
We’ve been through this, we’ve gone to marriage counseling, we’ve sat in billions of Bible studies and listened to enough sermons to fill a 64 gig iPod. We even counsel other couples and speak to groups about marriage.
But more-than-occasionally we miss each other. Like really miss. (Picture unathletic college-me taking tennis as a class and missing the fuzzy green ball over and over again. That kind of miss.)
We talk loudly and even hang up the phone. We glare and growl sometimes too. We flop over in bed and turn toward the wall. We sulk and scowl. We expect the worst and live in the past. We think mean, selfish things.
Why can’t he just…
What would be the harm in him….
I’ve told him this a hundred times…
But, even so we have a covenant. We have binding promises. We didn’t say Until One Of Us Wounds The Other. Or Until You Get Really Mad At Me. Or even, Until We Really Really Hate Each Other. We said Until Death Do Us Part. It’s forever.
What makes the difference is this: we are learning to live in the gap of the covenant. Because sometimes only one of us is upholding our promises. Love. Honor. Respect.
When he doesn’t hold up his end, I hold up mine. When I fail miserably and say something un-take-back-able, he stands still as my husband, unshaken by something as fleeting as a word in the face of a promise. Even though it hurts and it takes time to get over, we are learning to practice this.
But our example for this isn’t each other (we are far from skilled even at this) or even another couple we admire. Our example is the first Covenant Maker. The One who stands strong in the face of our adultery, our hatred, our selfish words and actions.
He IS the gap in the covenant. He even stands at the altar with us knowing we will become distracted and trip over our own desires. He knows we will not keep our promises. He knows we are destined for cheating.
But He lives there, right in that place where we don’t keep our end of the bargain. He doesn’t flop over in bed or think mean things. He doesn’t glare at us and live in our past mistakes.
He wants us to live the way we were designed to live. The way we vowed.
But until then, He’ll live in that gap unshaken by us in the face of unmet promises and He’ll make up the difference when we can’t.
Are you living in the gap in your marriage?
AND THE WINNER OF THE NECKLACE AND CD is Sarah at Sometimes Sarah Writes. She says:
I think I would tie the two giveaways together with one word… beautiful! Hmm… or maybe breathtaking? how about just plain awesome? (: Ok I’ll just go with
my favorite christmas song! I love the words of ‘O come O come emmanuel’ but adore the almost’s version of ‘Little Drummer Boy’. Call me a sucker for some good drumming!
Congratulations, Sarah. And I LOVE your name! =)
Sarah: I really love your blogs. My hubby and I just retired from thirty-eight years in the full-time Pastorate and I really want to commend you for being so honest about marriage. I can just feel the love you have enjoying a passionate life together. My husband have been married forty-two years and we are madly in love; but when the dance of anger begins…what works for us is bringing a single rose and just say one word “peace.” When he receives the rose, he puts it in the vase and vice-versa. It reminds us we are oh so in love and brings back our passion. We might not say I love you ’til the next day, but it will happen! Thanks for all you write. It’s so awesome!
I just found you yesterday and am subcribing. I have a somewhat difficult relationship with my husband. I won’t go into details, but I will say I keep trying because of that promise we made 7 years ago. I love your writing, it is so refreshing. Thanks for this post this morning. Another gentle reminder to keep the faith and God in our marraige and things will work out. ~Lanie
my other blog is http://miscandetc.blogspot.com
Wow! This is just an awesome blog post. I know it means so much to everyone else…but, sometimes I feel that I ‘get’ it. I had an affair and my marriage is stronger in the Lord now than it ever has been. I ‘get’ standing in the gap of the Covenant and it just means so much to me that my husband was willing to stand there. Most importantly, my husband CAN stand in the gap because Jesus did.
Thanks once again, Sarah. Your writing is amazing and a gift from the Lord.
I, again, am in awe of how you reach into the depths of your soul and present truth in a manner that is both thought-provoking and (sometimes) toe-stomping. This post is incredible. I hope you don’t mind that I (again) shared this link on my FB fan page … because I believe EVERYONE who is married or will ever be married needs to read this. Gary Thomas, one of my favorite authors, wrote “Sacred Marriage” … his question is “What if God intended marriage to make us holy rather than make us happy?” Reading that book changed my whole understanding of what the covenant looks like … reading your post reminds me that it’s just not about me anyway … it’s all in Him, thru Him, and about Him. Thank you.
TeriLynne, I so agree about Gary Thomas’ book Sacred Marriage. My husband is so excited about it that I’ve heard him recommend it to several other men (something that he rarely does). It’s deep!
Thank you, thank you, for your words of truth and passion. I believe if more people truly understood the power of covenant, yes, in particular God’s covenant with each of us, our marriages would grow stronger, deeper and richer as well.
I never really thought of it as being a gap in the covenant, but it makes so much sense. My husband and I love each other to the core and the knowledge of our covenant is a huge awakening for us.
There are those times that we miss each other, but have learned to call each other on it.
I’ve also learned how to better “read” him. If he’s bogged down with issues of work, I’ve learned that he’s not necessarily ignoring me, but trying to clear the mechanism. That may not be the best time to want to be cuddly with him. It works out best that way for both of us.
The first question I have to ask myself whenever I feel I’m missing him is “Is my perception reality?” That usually solves a lot of my disappointment and doubts.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I look forward to reading here.
Be abundantly blessed!
Good reminders, Sarah … there will always be those gaps.
Sometimes they feel more like canyons than gaps.
An incredible post! Thank you.
Great reminder. I know that we have gaps in our marriage at times too. We are doing so much better as working to fill them instead of letting them get bigger. Love your blog!
Strange as it may sound, I’m looking forward to facing those difficult times with my husband. I was married once before (to an emotionally and verbally abusive man) and I didn’t share the commitment, the struggles, the promises with a man who took his vows seriously. So, I long to have that with a man who feels as I do about marriage. Does this make sense? I’m not pretending it’s easy, by any means.
As always, thank you, Sarah, for your words.
Wow. As someone who isn’t married yet but wants to be. This. is. awesome. stuff.
I was thinking the same thing. Seriously, awesome. The writing is incredible Sarah. I can’t wait to be able to live life with the partner that God has chosen for me. I want to live in those canyons and also the mountains too. Thank you so much, Sarah!
Isn’t it GREAT that HE can fill in the gaps to matter how big or small!!! You are my daily inspiration!!!!!
I love the picture!
To be honest, I think a lot of marriages fail because people don’t fill in the gaps. When things aren’t wonderful ALL OF THE TIME, they get discouraged and start thinking that they’d be happier someplace else, and then they just give up.
The real test of marriage is getting through the hard times. You and Chad have done that – and continue to do so. In a sense, that makes your marriage more perfect than if it were really perfect! :]
Great post. I have been living in the gap (more like the Grand Canyon) for over a year. I want so desperately to continue, but man is it hard. Every day for the last month I say to myself “I AM DONE!” But He just won’t let me quit.
I am so thankful for your honesty. You have given me hope every time I have run out of faith.
I would be so honored if you would pray for me and my husband – Mark.
this is so timely for me. I’ve been asking the Lord to make me a better wife by having more grace, longsuffering, and unconditional love for my husband. I have finally understood (after 5 years of marriage) that every argument, every unkind word, every time we “miss” doesnt mean our world is going to come crashing down. Its part of the growing. Sometimes loving one another means putting our own feelings to the side for the sake of our spouse. this post really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing
Sarah, thank you for your blog! I have been reading it for a couple months now and find much encouragement through the authenticity of your writing, especially in this post! I often live in the gap between the covenant in my marriage, what a great way to word that. It’s very hard to put into words that gap, the tension between what “should” be and what is, so I appreciate that you were able to put a phrase on this strange feeling. Thank you again! Hope you have a great day!
This is timely today. Exactly where I am at. Thanks you!
And what was God thinking??!!! Two people living together, and now four…sigh. Some days are harder than others, and others have more joy than can be contained.
This is beautiful – thank you.
ouch– This reminder couldn’t have come at a better time!! Blessings!
Sarah – we have something in common! I, too, took tennis in college and missed the ball 90% of the time.
My husband just got saved – yay! – on my birthday, too. But still the gap exists. When I became a Christian I fantasized that once he gets saved our marriage will be roses and rainbows. But then I came to the realization that Christian friends (real and bloggy) have trials in their marriages. Maybe that’s why God waited 5 years to say yes to my request. He knew my expectations were placed too high and in the wrong person. So now, even if my husband and I have a disagreement as to the timing of taking out the trash – “Why can’t he do it now so I don’t have to keep thinking about it? There are a million things in my head, I’d like to get the trash checked off the list, grumble, grumble, gurgle, roar.” Purely hypothetical situation, of course
I know we’ll be fine. Eventually.
Marraige is so hard sometimes…I love the “gap in the covenant” because that is such a good way to explain it…sometimes I am walking in the flesh, other times it is the hubby and we can often bring out the worst in each other…but there are other times (and they are such sweet moments) when we sit back and say “God so knew what He was doing when He brought us together”…and He did.
how would u counsel/advise someone like me who’s dear friend is willing to leave her husband? who has left him. the papers aren’t signed yet- per her it’s only a matter of time till she does. i’m so lost and heartbroken for her and honestly for our friendship.
i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to be a friend to her right now. how to be there for her yet not be supporting what she is doing.
i know this sounds hopeless, but people are going to do what they are going to do. If she wants to leave, she will leave. there is nothing you can do, no prayer to pray that will keep her from doing that.
that said, this EXACT thing happened to me. i prayed for her. told her the truth in love. and she still left him.
i would say do what you can: pray, talk to her if she wants to always gently pointing her back toward God. pray with her if she wants to.
and, you might lose a friend. i’m sorry.
love this post & your readers’ comments are AWESOME!
i especially love terilynne’s thot from the book “sacred marriage” that God invented marriage to make us holy, not merely happy…strong stuff…and true!
your post really struck a chord in my heart…as you know, your mom & i have “silent” disagreements…no less real for their lack of words. so…when these “non-fights” occur, my first defense has been to pretend there is no disagreement at all…
then…when hannah’s pain hits me…i fold. i hold myself responsible for 99.9% of these bruises on her heart.
each time, her eyes do it to me…looking at her, really seeing her breaks my heart & my pride with it.
i think Jesus got me married to your mom so that i might learn how to really see people…not look past them!
loving you, because your mom taught me how,
dad
It finally happened: I disagree with you:) You say we are destined for cheating, I disagree. Programmed yes, destined no.
with God, i meant with that phrase. we’ve been born as sinners, and destined to do so even though we can live, following Christ, much more righteously than we begin as.
awesome post, sarah.
This is absolutely brilliant Sarah. Powerful, powerful stuff!
this is wonderful sarah… something i needed to read today.
your dads comment made me cry – WOW!
Thank you.
My favorite post yet. Thanks for putting my heart onto paper. Your words encourage me big time. Thank you for them.
Thanks so much for this post, Sarah. My prayer is that the notion of covenant will be understood and embraced in marriages throughout the world. Just imagine what would happen to the divorce rate…
Thanks for this post. My husband passed away 11 months ago and I have been struggling this week with all the times I perceived I had “missed” my husband during our 3 year marriage. I love my husband very, very much – but sometimes I got caught up in all my “to-do’s” and just didn’t give him what he desired most: quality time. I really needed to hear about Jesus being the “gap” in the covenant and making up the difference when I failed.
Thanks again.
Nice article…
Very important to have this in the back of our minds, especially when we are fighting.
I always want to build even when we are fighting… we have to hold each other promise. Meaning if I fail in holding my anger, you keep me down, if you lose it, I take you in my arms.
Always looking out for each other and looking out to keep the covenant between us.
I love this! Having weathered such things as you have and come through stronger, sometimes people on the outside assume that stronger means invincible, impenetrable. Hardly though, right? We are all still capable of much hurt and much hurting. We all have our days of discouragement and days when we falter. Yet, the covenant means we remain unbreakable. As long as He continues to offer us grace and forgiveness, we each learn a little more each day of what it means to offer our spouse the same. Thank you for being honest and always open with us! It is refreshing indeed!!
I’ve shared this lovely post with our marriage and family cell group. I know it will encourage our couples as it did me this morning! Thank you for your boldness and transparency!
Blessings!
Excellent…I have shared this!! It’s exactly what my heart says….thank you for putting it in words!
Sarah, I think this is the best thing I have read on your blog. You tap a universal truth from a fresh perspective. You challenge and you relate at the same time. This post is as refreshingly untouched and authentic as the photo that precedes it. Thank you so much.
Lisa-Jo
Stumbled on this via twitter. This is a great post and painfully true in my own life right now. I feel like our gap has widened instead of drawn closer in the past 7 years of marriage, but we’re still hanging in there….even if it feels like by our fingertips alot of times!
I won’t go into any details on here but I would appreciate your prayers for my husband and I. Thank you so much for writing such a beautiful, honest, encouraging post!
Tyra (aka: @nonsensical2)
[...] then had a few minutes to read blogs and came upon this. I appreciated it and thought you might too. So here you go… meet Sarah Markley. She [...]
Great post! Your blog is the first one I read every morning, even tho I rarely comment. Keep writing, it’s very inspirational, honest, and heartfelt. I look forward to reading your book someday