“MAAAM!” I can hear her calling me through the closed doors and through the sleep I’m fighting to wake from.
In green the clock burns my eyes: 2:45. I hear her again, muffled. “MaAAaMa!”
I recognize that my three-year-old is calling for me. As I swing my legs out of bed to find her, her calling is louder and more desperate.
“What is it honey?” I ask as I find her sitting up in bed, crying. “Was it a bad dream?”
“I dreamt someone came and stole Night-Night-Kitty.” She wailed. “Where is she? Can you find her?” Naomi wanted me to find her beloved stuffed white cat.
At 2:53 in the morning, I tip-toe past the dog snoring on her bed to search the downstairs. I peek into the dark playroom. I look in the toy box. Night-Night-Kitty is nowhere. I suspect that she might left in the playhouse in the backyard but I am NOT going to venture barefooted into the moonlit yard at this hour.
I return with her favorite Polly Pocket doll to deflect the sting of not finding her cherished stuffed animal. “Honey, I can’t find her. But I’m sure she’ll show up in the morning.”
But she won’t be comforted. The irrationality of half-believing a nightmare coupled with the reality of not having Night-Night Kitty in hand is too much for her to handle. She can’t see a way out. And at 3am, nothing feels fixable.
I coax her into bed with us and she finally falls back asleep, clutching her tiny doll in one hand.
In the morning, she forgets the Kitty and when she does finally look for her, her effort is not nearly as concentrated and her need not as acute as the night before. She looks for her casually throughout the day.
Because nothing seems as bad in the morning.
Maybe it’s time that helps. Or the sunlight. Or even the noise and activity of a new day that helps to blunt the blow of heartache. But either way, it’s never as bad in the morning.
The morning is always better than the tears that wake me up at 1:14am, 2:25am, 4:08 am.
The height of the pain is usually in the dark, in the middle of the silence, when it’s just me and my thoughts and the panicky feeling when I know I can’t, in my sanity, endure it.
So I can’t believe the nightmare. I can’t be taken in by the silent house, the fear that builds in the dark. I can’t give in to hysterical worry.
And neither can you.
Just wait. The morning will be there soon enough and even though the problem has not changed, you have. Because you will get up, you’ll splash some water on your face and you will do what you need to do. The sunrise and the day will help. Your responsibilities will help. And you will be strong enough because you rely on the One who gives strength.
You won’t be afraid because its a new day.
Ironic that I’m reading this at 1:30 in the morning, on yet another sleepless night. Thank you for first of all acknowledging that I am not alone in feeling this way at night, but more importantly, thank you for the encouragement that things look better in the morning. The Lord is with us, no matter what time it is. (But I still hate a quiet house in the middle of the night.)
I hear ya’ Sarah, it’s the believing that I’ve got to take hold of.
Thanks. You’re awesome.
smooches,
Larie
Oh the truth of this. How often I have ached with fear in the middle of the night, only to let in go come morning. God and I can be closest in the alone of night, or that can be where I push him the farthest away and let fear,doubt and worry sink in. Thank God for the new morning to start fresh with forgiveness and friendship when I have pushed him so far away just the night before.
Cha Cha
Amen! Nights are always the worst. ~Lanie
For His mercies are new every morning! Lam. 3:22-23
Beautiful!
Just last night I laid in bed crying (out of fear) & praying abt the things I have to accomplish in 2010…..bankruptcy, moving (again) the kids and I into a smaller/more affordable home-hoping I can find something within their school system, finding a new job that will better support my kids and I. All of this as a result of a horrible divorce. It’s been 2 years this month when my nightmare began–when my spouse of 13 years/father of my children/leader in our church decided to tell me that he had been unfaithful throughout our marriage and with men…that he was going to pursue a life of homosexuality—an event that propelled me down a road I never wanted to travel; forever changing me and my children. I know Fear very well. Still struggle with it from time to time. I know what it’s like to have a panic attack. I know what it’s like to have my beautiful little girl suffer with anxiety. I KNOW what it’s like to lose EVERYTHING even when you cry out to the Lord. And I now know hard it is to be a struggling single Mom. It’s scary. BUT, praise the Lord, this is what God says “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God,the Holy One of Israel, your Savior……Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you…” I couldn’t have made it without Him and still can’t.
Whitney B,
I just want to offer my ((((HUGS))) to you.
Whitney – thank you so much for being brave enough to do what you do every day: get up, mother your children, trust in God. you are my hero. what you do, this every day doing, takes immense bravery and courage.
and thank you for sharing your story with all of us. how blessed we are to read it.
praying for you today, whitney.
hugs and prayers to you whitney. your courage and strength are a blessing to you and your children. God is with you and He knows the plans He has for you.
in Christ…
my heart breaks for you…so does Jesus’ heart…and His mighty hand has been & will move more & more on your behalf…
praying for you & your little ones!
amazed by Jesus,
sarah’s dad
I just came across your blog and this post is amazing! So many times I lay in bed just worrying and fearing things in the future that I can’t control, yet I give them my time and energy through worry and fear. The morning always seems to bring peace and a sense of refreshment. Its always interesting to me how the enemy uses those moments right before sleep when I am most vulenrable to really attack me with fears. Thank you Lord for the morning! Great post!
Your posts have been speaking to my heart so much lately. Thank you for sharing. Night time tends to be really rough for me as well but you’re right, the morning does somehow make a difference…even if it’s only a little bit sometimes. I’ve tried to learn to remind myself that alot of those feelings and fears I’m having are just like nightmares, scary and seemingly so real but actually unable to hurt me. And that even on those nights when I can’t seem to feel God’s presence, it doesn’t mean that He’s any less there for me. Because He promises He always will be and never breaks those promises!
As for the commenter above, I can’t imagine what you must be going through because of the sin your husband has chosen to partake in, but I pray that God will give you and your children abundant grace as you walk through it. And I love those verses you referred to as well! Such a comfort to know that He’s always with us no matter what.
all i can say is “yes, mam’” because it’s true and every once in a while i need that reminder and someone to push me from the back.
so thanks:)
Yup….I’m hooked….lined and sinked……You had me at hello? LOL…..caught you on my favorite Cindy Beall’s site and been stalking your blog ever since (did I say that out loud)….it’s been a few weeks now……and I have to say that I am so blessed and I really appreciate your gift that the ONE has given you……thank you sooooo much!!!!!
I love this post……I woke this morning at 4:19 am to a little boy who wanted to watch his movie…play with his cars and have mommy sleep in his bed…that doesn’t have the same sheets the comfortable pillow or blanket as my bed…..but never the less….frustrated at the hour i’m woken up…..I cave in to his plea and all is well….and yes…..the morning brings a brighter feeling a new day…..and I wonder to myself right now…..why is it that I get so frustrated with my sweet boy who is only 4…..when he cries for me some nights it is no problem……last night….it was…..and all i can do is command the enemy straight back to where he came from in Jesus name and Pray for God to continue to grow me into a better mommy.
Anyways….sorry that was so long.
Hope you have a wonderful and blessed day.
Cheryl Meares
i love your comment cheryl! i too feel like a stalker ever since i found sarah’s blog. We are so blessed to have someone like sarah to wake up to every morning! thank you sarah for sharing your life with us so willingly.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I had to take hold of that promise recently. God is so good.
I wouldn’t say that I normally struggle with claustrophobia, but when I am anxious in the middle of the night, the darkness can feel like it is closing in. It’s amazing though, how a panicky night can be replaced by a bright morning. Breathing easy and going about my day, it’s so easy to forget how I felt during the night. A blessing for sure.
His mercies are new every morning! So grateful for a life and heart rooted in His Truth so that when the storm comes I can hang onto it for dear life.
This post makes me think of the song The Sun Will Rise by Brendan James – it is my theme song
Here is the link, he is amazing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpaC6544dTQ
I just wish you were speaking of literal day light and not the end of a trial. Sometimes the night is so very long.
His mercies are new every morning because our messes are new every day. I find myself awake at night worrying about things i have no control over (which would be everything, i know) or trying to avoid the enemy (who always attacks at night). I find my self grasping for the Lord or pushing Him away. In the morning all the fears and worries of the night before are so insignificant compared to the joy of a new day. Praise God for the mercies of a new day!!
I’m really enjoying reading your blog. You are so down-to-earth, that it’s very encouraging.. <3
thank you.
this SO spoke to me.
and I heard it.
listened.
and absorbed it.
i am grateful.
thank you.
There are some nights when I pray that morning will come quickly, because everything does seem desperate and scary, and impossible, in the darkness.
Thank goodness for the light of day.
wow…
joy does come in the morning!
sometimes…hope comes to us in strange clothing…not as a cheery feeling or a warm fuzzy emotion but instead as the simple inability to find a reason to NOT do tomorrow…so we go on!
whitney’s heart-cry broke my heart…and Jesus’ heart too!
love you,
dad
thank you, sarah. sometimes I am sooo paralyzed by fear in the night.
Years ago the Lord spoke to me about this & I had forgotten…
My husband was having low sugar in the middle of the night & he struggled against me as I worked to bring him back around. It was overwhelming & scary. Afterwards, I felt like I just needed to step away, to breathe. I walked outside to feel the silence & to pray. It was completely dark & quiet & I heard a bird singing constantly. It seemed so odd to me that a bird was awake at that hour & singing in the dark! Quietly, the Lord told me “keep singing. in the darkness. in the night.” He truly is worthy of praise at all times & it is when I am not putting my focus on Him, that the darkness begins to swallow me.
Fighting the same nighttime battles with our almost-4-year-old too……and you shed a new light on it for me. So thank you! You encourage me every day & I can NOT wait for your book. You are a beautiful writer!!! Thank you for your words.
thank you again. thank you also to sarah’s dad…for his tears on whitney’s behalf…and i bet for my behalf as well. when i think about this…i bet there is some strange person i’ve never met before who would be willing to cry out to God for me, would be willing to lift up my hands because i’m weary…i think of my Jesus, my Intercessor, constantly pleading on my behalf… I can make it through another day…I hope I can… I can.