They say you can’t choose your family.
I say that you MUST.
Their cousins have been here for almost a month.
They’ve been establishing new connections, creating memories and arguing once in awhile too.
Their cousins live in another country and my kids don’t have the luxury to see them on weekends or for birthday parties or for Easter egg hunts. We live from infrequent visit to infrequent visit, meanwhile attempting to bridge the seven thousand mile distance with phone calls and emails.
So I’ve been upending our schedule, pushing and squishing and trying to squeeze out every extra minute we can spare so they all can play together. We’ve been to the park, horseback riding, to church, to the nail salon, and everywhere in between trying to give them TIME.
Adults can seem to make do better without time. It moves faster for us so while the prospect of having to wait a year to see someone is difficult, it isn’t unbearable. For my kids, when their cousins get back on the plane for England this Thursday, it will be as if the world has stopped.
When they’re adults, their memories of knowing their cousins won’t be a jumble of a long string of afternoons at the pool or summers at the beach. They will never have the chance to just be “thrown together” in the big middle of a bunch of adults celebrating the fourth of July, running barefoot through the yard with sparklers. I think their memories, instead, might be distinct, like trips in photo albums, rich with purpose and intentional interactions.
I suspect when they are a bit older they’ll spend time on their own email accounts, sharing photos and making video calls. But that too will have to be intentional friendship.
They will have to choose to be friends, choose to be family.
I hope that being so far apart will teach them a different aspect of family and friendship: in order to establish real relationship for a lifetime you must choose to love a person, even if he or she is in your own family. Family must be chosen and those relationships must be sought after with intention.
You are stuck with your parents, your sister and brothers, your in-laws and your cousins. You had no hand in selecting who these people would be. So, in a way, you can’t choose your family. However, to be family, really family, you MUST choose them. On a weekly, monthly, or yearly basis. We must choose to love, to listen, to fellowship, to do life with them.
Do you agree? Can you choose your family?
Super great post! Such insight. Approximately four years ago, you couldn’t pay me to believe that we choose to be family. Now I firmly believe that! My husband just retired about thirty-eight years a Senior Pastor in various church and most of our counseling was “reuniting families.” “Reconciling Sisters or Brothers or now adult kids to their parents or vice-versa.” At this point in my life I have chosen to not be around my Sister – our lives have gone in different directions. Her put downs, discouragements, so controlling, terrible comments about my husband and kids. Oh my…we have phenomenal adult kids now….I can’t go her jealous, snyde remarks. I’ve asked her lovingly to stop; she just got worse! I felt drained, low energy, tried every positive comments God could ever give someone, so I have
“chosen” this family member and no longer can it take a toll on my life. Sooo unnecessary. I totally believe we choose our family.
I totalyy agree Sarah…I live far away from my family…and I have one cousin here who arrived 6 years afteer me…
I choose everytime I re-connect with my family to make the most of it…and to appreciate every second.
I used to have a bad relationship with my Dad, and now we’re great…I chose to look at things differently.I chose my Dad again.
What a wonderful post. Enjoy your time with family.
Char
Sarah,
My parents always instilled in us to enjoy and appreciate family. If anyone was going to stand by you, then it was family. Of course, the relationships need to be nourished. My father has seven siblings and isn’t able to see them often due to distance, but he is always in contact (telephone, E-mail. etc.) several times a week and when they get together it is as if there was no separation of time since their last visit. My mother is the same w/her sisters whom she talks to often and they meet at least once a week to get together. My parents are the same w/their cousins.
Family is very important and I too want my children to have an appreciation and love for family (especially for each other). I’ve already chosen my siblings and cousins, but I need to do a better job at nurturing those relationships. For many of us, life has gotten in the way and distance keeps us from seeing each other more frequently. Fortunately, when we get together, everything falls into place, but just think of how much stronger our relationships would be if we put more effort into them. I have two great examples and I want to set a good example for my children too.
So very true. My sister lives five hours away and I have to choose to be close to her. Unfortunately, I am such an out of sight out of mind person and our relationship sometimes suffers under my negligence. Thanks for challenging me to do something about that. You are so right, we do choose!
I love how you put that, CHOOSE your family. I can remember the day I made that choice in my dysfunctional home. I chose to tell my sister I loved her (which was not common practice among me and my four siblings) and hug her (gasp!). Life has never been the same. We still had a messed up home life, but my love and bond with my sister transferred over to all the siblings and we all developed a closeness that got us through those rough years. Now we are all grown and 15 years removed from that day, that choice, that moment, but oh, how it has impacted us forever.
Sarah
I can only pray that my daughter reads your post about family. I have triplet grandbabies & as of this past tuesday when God spoke to my daughter & son in law telling both of them at the exact same time that I would no longer be able to see my daughter & my precious grandbabies 1x a week any more. God told them I am only allowed to see them when my son in law is home nights & weekends. I have no idea why God would say this. It came out of nowhere. I know I am now unable to visit when I always had. My heart is so broken. They are campus pastors at my church here in NWA & I have no one to talk to there because everyone thinks they are Saints. Any prayers would be sooo welcomed. I just don’t understand why…why????? I, by the way only live in the next town approx. 10 minutes away from them. I have told the church that I will no longer be a greeter @ the church & my last sunday will be this coming w.e
Jan. 27. The last time @ greeter.
Marta, my prayers are for your heart and for your family. I pray God will bring you peace and comfort in this situation and that maybe you’ll have the opportunity to speak with your daughter and son-in-law about this. You are on my heart.
Thank you.
Marta,
I am so so sorry that you are in the middle of this confusing and heartbreaking situation. My heart feels for you and I can’t imagine what you are going thru.
I will be praying for you today, that you can find peace (and a solution) to this problem.
I think you are very right here and this was exactly what I needed to hear today. We also have family, while not international, as far away as you can get in the US. (We are in FL and they are in WA) WE make every effort to chose them and stay in their lives, however, it has come clear that as time passes that they do not reciprocate our choice. We are all Christians so it is sad when you are intentionally trying to stay in someones life but the they make excuses of being too busy to do the same. Right now I am struggling with how to handle that as my flesh tells me to just stop trying, however, I know that is wrong. It just hurts to keep trying when you are treated as an inposition. Any thoughs on this would be greatly appreciated.
i’ll echo some of what some of the other commenters have said.
I think it takes persistence, first. knowing that you shouldn’t give up.
it might take honesty and bravery – maybe you could ask directly if there has been some offense or hurt on your part to give reason why they won’t respond.
And then it might just take you giving things up to the fact that relationships go in cycles and they ebb and flow. this might be a “dry” time for a relationship.
I don’t know. Sometimes people just can’t do the distance thing. it is so much easier to be close to people in your immediate proximity that in my experience, some people just can’t be long distance friends. maybe they fall within that category.
i’m sorry it’s hard. i understand that. =(
I think it gets hard and harder the older we get. I’ve always lived far away from my cousins. When we were little it was easy to play with each other, now that we’re older the gap between us has grown larger. We grew up in different parts of the country and have entirely different interests and goals. Yet we’re cousins. Nothing can ever change that. From time to time I’ve struggled with feelings of jealousy, but then, once again God would remind me that it is my place to love my cousins. You’re right in your post above, I’ve had to choose if I wanted to be a distant cousin, or an active part of their lives, day in and day out.
Having been raised in a family that was not close and bordered on competitive, YES, you do have to choose family. My husband grew up in a very close family. They Make time for each other, they call each other a lot. They are intentional about spending some vacation time together. I want my children to like each other. I want them to like their cousins and look forward to time together. So, it takes work on the adults part. It takes work not to evaluate every little decision and instead be each others cheerleader. It takes a mindset to LOVE your family and not just assume you can treat passively and expect them to treat you any differently.
It took a long time to realize this and change within my own family has not occurred as I would like. We offer time to celebrate holidays and birthdays trying to reach out and connect. prayfully…one day…
I agree with you. a lot of it comes from the adults and moves down toward the kids. the adults have to make the time in order for the kids to have time to be together.
and i agree to that any family stuff takes WORK and intention.
(secretly wishing it all could be easy, though)
=)
I applaud you Sarah for writing this. I live in Uganda. Thousands of miles from my family. I don’t get to see my family stateside for years at a time. But without the phone calls, texts, and emails then I would lose so much more. Sometimes my stateside family gets so busy with their lives they forget about the missionary sister/daughter who gave up everything to do what God called her to do. I miss them greatly but when I do get those emails that are actually conversations between us, I love it. When I get those funny text messages about what happened to my sister or my niece or whoever, I feel like I’m apart. I know my kids do. Skype is a wonderful thing and I encourage you to use it with your kids and their cousins. It closes the distance in an instant. Thanks for all your blogs Sarah. I know you encourage me all the time.
Deidrah – i’m glad your family stays in touch. i’m sure it can feel isolating living where you do. at least isolating from the US.
And I’m so glad you read. i had no idea you did until you sent me that email awhile ago. =)
thanks for commenting, deidrah. I’ve been thinking about you and your sweet family a lot lately.
prayers for you. =)
Yes, we do choose our family. And sometimes we have to keep choosing them. When they live close, sometimes it’s easy to take for granted the fact that they are so near, and then not go see them. We (my family) has to choose to invest that time in other family members. I love your words. Thanks for sharing them.
I’ve never really thought of it that way. But not that I think about it, it’s so true. And you don’t just have to choose them, you have to keep choosing them every day. I learned that the hard way and now I have to be really careful who I choose, per say.
i really like this one!
thanks
I agreee, but feel they must choose too. I have some amazing relationships with many family members in which we both choose to make the word family mean A LOT, but also have family members who choose not to engage. I will never give up, but also accept if they do not wish to engage, I can not make them.
I agree.
And you have a really good attitude about it – persistent but not pushy. thank you for sharing that.
I agree. You don’t get to pick who these people will be but to really be family, you have to choose them. *Especially* when you live at a distance from them. I savor every moment spent with my cousins. I did grow up with my cousins at 4th of July BBQ’s and Saturday afternoons at Gramma’s lake house. We were just thrown together, no choice in the matter, and I thought it would always be that way. But as we’ve grown, we’ve all realized that good family relationships take work. It’s not as if you can just get together to play all afternoon anymore. Today, we CHOOSE each other when we travel a couple states to visit or make our summer camping plans together with our own families.
great post – hope those cousins can make every minute count!
I love that picture, Sarah!!! Wow, I can’t believe how big Maddie is?!
I hope you told the family I said hello
Let’s hang out soon!
I will tell them today. Tiff’s coming over in a few minutes. the kids have been HERE all day, eating cookies and pizza and playing princess, horses and now STORE upstairs.
i’m scared to go up there to see what has been overturned. =)
Every day you offer fresh perspective and insight. And i love you. I reeeally do!!
After moving around so much as a kid/teenager it became very easy to just let relationships go. Now as an adult I’m striving to reconnect, I see my family doing this as well.
I am LIVING this right now, and it was so good to see it out in black and white! I’m a missionary in South Africa, 7,000+ miles away from my family back in North Carolina, Georgia & Colorado. Sometimes I want to choose my family even more, but the finances don’t allow me to get home and be with them. But choosing to take time for phone calls, and emails, and updating my blog with pictures of our baby boy…those things do feel like a good, special and important choice. And our times together definitely feel more purposeful now that we’re apart most of the time. It’s a tough choice to be away but an encouragement to remember that I can still choose my family just about every day. Thank you!
Oh, what a great, timely post. We definitely have to choose our family! Family has caused so many heartaches in our marriage, the constant lies, gossip, stealing from us, verbal abuse, the list could go on and on. We sought counseling and were told we needed to set specific boundaries and if our families can’t meet these boundaries, then we have to choose to stay away. It has been so hard, but also very liberating and has had a huge impact on our marriage (for the better)! There are family members that we no longer have anything to do with, however that does not mean that we hate them. We continue to pray for them every day, but can not have them in our lives at this point. Some relationships are toxic and you have to let them go, however we pray for them all the time. We hope to do things VERY differently with our kids and instill in them how important family is, but most importantly how important God is (something our families are completely missing).
My daughter scolded me when I told her I had family about 2 hours away that I haven’t seen in ages. She is really trying to get to know family and make them a priority, no matter how ‘distant’. I just reconnected with my East Coast family, whom I haven’t seen in ages either. I spent so much time with my cousins when I was younger and then when we moved to the West Coast, I hardly saw them. But FB helped me get back in contact and I’m hoping this will be the start of growing together again. We are in our 40s and 50s now, so we may not have a lot of time, but we can make it count for something. I learned that my Aunt, Uncle and a cousin all died in the last few years, but never got word from them because they didn’t have my current info. Made me sad. This is a great blog.
Thanks Robbin. =)
I’m glad your daughter encouraged you to make contact again. I’m sure that’s hard after a long time. Facebook seems to be the place for bringing people back together again.
Oh, man. I totally agree with this! I hardly know my cousins – we were separated by thousands of miles while growing up. If I wanted to reach a cousin now, I would have to call my aunt or uncle first. I don’t even know where some of my cousins live right now.
I’ve tried to be better about making sure my children are in touch with their cousins. But we, too are separated by a couple of thousand of miles. We did get to see each other for Christmas and it was the best two weeks ever! I’m hoping that we have more chances for them to be with each other, know each other and become lasting friends.
I chose to try and be close with my sister. She wounded me. I reached out again. Her words were like a knife. Her bitterness astounds me. No matter how many times I try to connect, any engagement is an excrutiatingly polite war of words. Hidden agendas and meanings…sabotage and guerilla warfare. I have no idea (really-I’ve searched my heart and prayed more than I can say) why she is always on the attack. After any length of time with her…say 3+ hours…I am a basket case. In tears and hopelessly sad. I have chosen to believe that God has placed dear sisters-in-Christ in my life to make up for the hurt here. I choose to protect myself, and as a consequence, my husband and children who end up trying to help me put the pieces back together….
I’m so sorry Pam. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.
I’m so glad you have women around you to support you, and your family. Thank you so much for sharing here in this forum.
We will be praying for you today.
It’s sad, but at 52 (actually, probably more like 16!) I had to choose to sever ties with my parents. They will both be 80 soon. My mother is one of the most selfish, hateful people I know. Why my dad stayed with her for 57 years is beyond my understanding. And I had to go through active addiction late in my life & come into recovery to realize that I no longer have to be under their “rule”. The relationship with my mother was (and is) toxic for me. I am far from perfect, but I know looking forward is so much better than living in her chaos. I have my own chaos to heal from! 2 1/2 years clean and they have no idea what I’ve been through! What would it solve? It won’t repair the relationship without a two-way street. And I don’t have the energy to continuously swim upstream.
That said, I have a new family. The people I have met & continue to meet through recovery! I never knew I could be so overwhelmed with love (on a human level). People I used to turn my back on. People who don’t have a degree. People I would not give the time of day to. Recovery and my re-found faith in God are such blessings! To think that God never left me is also overwhelming.
And lastly, I didn’t get to choose my family 52 years ago. They chose me through adoption. But, it is what it is and I truly believe God brought me this far so I could help others in recovery. He let me come through this life with a chance to do great things. The people He puts in my path each day is awesome. And they are part of my family now.
I absolutely love my cousin.!!! She is my best friend and confidant. That being said..I come from a family of 12 and wouldn’t change anything. I love each and everyone one of them even though at times they drive me crazy.
i LOVE this!
i am seeing how intentional we need to be now that we live farther away from family to instill these relationships in our kids.
i love when our kids see their cousins and see relationships that have been forged over years and miles away. it is heart warming when we go home to visit and my teenage nieces and nephews forgo plans with their friends {without parent prompting} to spend time with my kids – playing, going to movies, just hanging out.
we do have some family situations which are not easy – it definitely takes intention and a good attitude to create relationships in those situations.
i am glad you have enjoyed your time with your family.