Revelation
We sat on the sofa together facing our marriage counselor in her too-small office.
It was only 2 weeks into our counseling and she asked my husband a question.
“Have you ever been on medication for your ADD?”
I thought we’d be going around and around about the reasons why I’d had an affair and how we could get through it as a married couple. Instead, after addressing some initial big problems our therapist honed in on Chad’s lifelong struggle with ADD.
“Yeah, Ritalin when I was a kid,” he told her. “But not since about the second grade.”
“You’ve lived your whole life up to this point withOUT medication?” she asked, amazed. And then added, “How’s that working for you?”
As they openly discussed Chad’s ADD, his symptoms and his feelings of failure I watched my husband’s face. He was relieved to finally be able to talk about it and for someone else to acknowledge the severity of the disorder, how it can affect relationships and work habits.
Could we finally be getting to the bottom of some of our communication issues? The sarcasm? The anger? I thought. I knew my contribution to our marital mess was tantamount to marriage suicide and his symptoms of ADD were in NO WAY equal to what I had done. But even so…
Things began to finally make sense for both of us.
We left that appointment with a phone number to a psychiatrist and a recommendation from our therapist for Chad to try medication.
It’s Not Funny
When we got married 13 and a half years ago, we always joked about Chad’s ADD. That by the time he was 18 he’d had more jobs than years he’d been alive. That he always lost his keys, never would be on time, and that he misplaced his wallet daily. We would laugh at his constant change of subjects, about the way he “interrupted himself” during most conversations, and about his lack of respect for authority. We were proud that his ADD contributed to his artistic tendencies: his love for music and songwriting. He was always the life of the party…
Until it all became not funny anymore. For either of us.
He would regularly get frustrated at his own inability to stay focused and would apologize almost immediately after a sarcastic remark had left his mouth. He became disappointed in himself at not being able to function like most other men: Type-A, calculating, and organized. He had trouble sleeping at night and would often experience night terrors (sleep disorders can be a symptom of ADD) and had difficulty turning “off” his brain at the regular time at night. He could never conquer the piles of paperwork that towered on his desk at work and transferred his feelings of inadequacy into an I-don’t-care attitude.
Crowds agitated him. Chaos made him nervous. Too much noise made him edgy. And details? Too many details almost sent him into a catatonic state.
I couldn’t count on him to pay the bills because he’d forget. I was forever making excuses for our delays because he was always late, without calling. He’d simply forget he had to be home. He regularly did things like locking his keys in the car or locking himself out of the apartment, which, to my own frustration, I would have to fix. I’d call his name repeatedly and he’d ignore me. I’d ask him a question and he wouldn’t answer, but tell me a story about something he read in a magazine earlier. He used sarcasm and belittling words as a defense mechanism.
He couldn’t protect me or take care of me because he could barely take care of himself.
And I had no idea how to take care of him either: a grown man with ADD that needed different things than other husbands might.
Like a Box of Cheerios
One morning in our apartment, Chad tried to open a box of Cheerios for breakfast.
He fought with the inane plastic inner bag for a moment and POOF! The bits of cereal exploded all over the floor and found themselves into every corner of the tiny kitchen.
Too. Many. Pieces.
He froze. He couldn’t deal with all the little details that cleaning up an entire box of Cheerios would entail. There were just too many.
I screamed and laughed and offered to help sweep while he held the dust pan. He couldn’t even do that much.
He walked out of the room leaving me in the middle of a pile of cereal.
He describes ADD like a hundred radio stations all on, all at once in his brain. Listening to me is like trying to tune a single station at once while all the others are playing music and vying for his attention. It’s exhausting at best and nearly impossible at the worst.
And the Cheerios are the details that he has no hope of ever organizing. There are just too many so instead of trying to do what he can, his tendency (symptomatic of ADD sufferers) is merely to do nothing.
Hope
Chad saw that psychiatrist and she listened to him. She offered him a bit of hope in the form of a new (at the time) medication called Concerta. Unlike Ritalin, which had to be taken once every 4 hours — impossible for someone who forgets everything to remember to consume — Concerta was a once a day med, taken in the morning and would wear off by bedtime.
Chad lived the first 29 years of his life and the first 7 years of our marriage like that. When he started medication everything began to change.
On Monday you’ll get to hear from Chad and I will also be giving suggestions on how to live in the same house with an adult sufferer of ADD. I’m not a therapist or a psychiatrist, but I’ve lived with my husband for 13 years and we’re learning, together, to navigate the ADD waters.
[Note: Before you send me a bunch of crazy emails, I'm NOT advocating medication for EVERYONE and I'm not talking about PARENTING a child with ADD. I'm only talking about being a spouse of an ADD sufferer. Even though ADD can be hereditary, neither of our girls has been diagnosed yet.]
Any thoughts? Is anyone else out there married to or close to an adult with ADD?
Chad is writing about ADD and folding laundry on his blog today. Go read!
I am the spouse with ADD, and as I read these things, I wonder how my husband must feel. I have been on and off of meds for a couple of years now and have mixed views on them. I do find them helpful, but then someone will make me feel guilty for taking them or I just forget (imagine that) and it’s a week later before I remiember. Reading your words and knowing what I could be doing to hurt our marriage and family give me courage to try again. can’t wait to read your husbands version. Thanks for sharing so openly, about something so many people want to tell you doesn’t exist and is just you being lazy or not being willing to try hard enough.
God Bless,
Cha Cha
Thank you for sharing about your everyday struggles for all of us to read. I read the comment the other day from the (former) reader and I encourage you to keep on sharing your daily thoughts because you never know who is reading it that day that needs to hear about it. I have forwarded your blog to many friends who are struggling with a spouse having an affair. Thank you for your testimony and your walk for Christ!
Sarah, let me first of all tell you how much I am in love with your writing and the story of hope and healing behind it. Thank you for being so transparent. I have forwarded your blogs many, many times and they have touched countless women. Please keep it up!
I just had to respond to this particular blog as my fiance has ADHD and it certainly affects every aspect of our relationship. He’s on Adderal XR and that helps tremendously. He’s so much more focused and in tune with what’s going on around him when he’s on the meds. He’s able to have in-depth conversations where he certainly wasn’t able to before. He’s also so much more attentive to the needs of his family when he’s on them.
The only downside (and it’s not really affecting us right now since we’re not married yet) but there are sexual side effects. It can cause ED (erectile dysfunction) or a delay in orgasm (they can have sex for prolonged periods of time without being able to achieve climax). A psychiatrist should be able to help tweak meds if necessary or there’s always morning sex before he takes them.
Besides the Adderal, we’ve made some other slight modifications that have helped immensely ~ like making lists for everything and having me manage the finances and anything else that I worry about not getting done.
One of the resources that has helped me the most is a book I just received from Thomas Nelson Publishing to review: “This is your brain in love, New scientific breakthroughs for a more passionate and emotionally healthy marriage” by Dr. Earl Henslin. In it, he has a huge section on ADD & ADHD. He himself has ADD so he has a wealth of experience to draw from.
Anyway, best of luck to you and Chad!
Love & Blessings,
Tamara
thanks, Tamara. i will have to check that book out. it sounds REALLY interesting.
Today’s entry made me cry…because I am the one with ADD and to hear that Chad goes through the same things gives me hope. I haven’t been medicated in years and am now thinking maybe you are God’s voice telling me it’s time to try again. Thanks so much for your openness and willingness to share so much of YOU with your readers!
[...] I recently read this gals blog post. [...]
Thanks for this – I have been married to my ADD, non-medicating husband for almost 24 years. He won’t go on meds, and it has caused many issues over the years. It doesn’t matter what I say, beg, plead, etc, he will not give them a chance. Our son is also ADD and is on meds and he sees the benefits for him, but I think it is a denial thing with him. It has gotten so beat-my-head-against-a-wall frustrating that I am contemplating a seperation. He just doesn’t understand the ramifications on the rest of the family. Thanks for helping me feel not alone in this today
Karin – you aren’t alone. i’ve talked to other women in the same place who’s husbands don’t want to work through it. its hard work (just from watching my own husband’s struggles). maybe its something that could be brought up to a marital counselor? just a suggestion.
Wow, Sara! I never realized how much ADD or ADHD could affect a marriage. I guess I always thought it was a ‘kids’ disease(?)and that the child would grow out of it in adulthood or learn to manage it (how I thought they would do that, I don’t know, but now I see that’s ridiculous to assume that).
I really appreciate that you’ve welcomed us so deeply into your experiences through your writing. I’m eager to read Chad’s story and hear more/learn more–it’s teaching me another facet of grace.
Lord bless you for sharing. Thank you. I love visiting here.
thanks, tina dee! =)
Thank you for sharing this. My husband has alot of symptoms of ADD and had a counselor tell him that he thought that was contributing to alot of his problems, but he’s never really done anything about it. (he’s also been planning to write your husband about this, but hasn’t gotten around to it….is that a sign as well? lol) I on the other hand struggle with depression and emotional issues so that makes us dealing with each other even harder. Needless to say, things tend to be kinda rough around our house alot of times. (and our 6 yo struggles with a mixture of things from both of us. yay) Anyway, I look forward to hearing more about this from you both. Thanks again!
thanks Tyra. I videoed chad talking about it and that will go up on Monday.
i hope that he does email chad. eventually. =)
I’m glad I read this post today! I don’t live with a spouse who has ADD BUT I do live with my brother who is an adult with ADD and he finally realized yesterday he need for medication. This is because he has been with out work for 18 months and got a job two days ago only to be strongly talked to about not focusing. It clicked with him yesterday even though for years we (my parents and extended family) have been talking to him about his need for it.
wow Becky! i’m so glad that he’s getting help. the whole focus issue is really difficult when it comes to keeping jobs.
Like many of the people who commented, I am the one with ADD. So many times, I feel like I’m just different, and no one understands me. They think I’m lazy, unmotivated, etc. It has gotten better now that I am a few years out of high school, but I still struggle with it daily. I also don’t have it as bad as Chad, I think, or maybe just affected differently. For a lot of ADD people we think that it’s just something we have to live with, and ‘grow’ out of. Sometimes that just can’t be the case. I know that something needs to be done about my ADD. I’m just at a loss right now. Not really sure what to do. This has been an encouragement for sure.
thanks for commenting nathan. go and read chad’s blog today. start a conversation with him too; it might be a benefit.
it’s funny – he’s been called lazy and unmotivated his whole life and i realized only a few years ago that he certainly did not need me to add to that. instead of helping him i was hindering him.
it’s been a long journey for him – he’s 35 – and its still something he has to work through every day.
i hope you find the right treatment, the right support system to help. =)
Thanks Sarah! It’s been great to hear all the conversation on this. I really haven’t thought about it much the last few years or so, other than, “oh yeah, I’m different.” I commented on Chad’s side of things. Looking forward to your next posts on this subject!
i can completely relate to your description of your husband. and after reading his blog today, i must admit that i too reach for the towels first when folding laundry.
God has mysterious ways of telling us what we need to hear when we need to hear it…
i’ve thought for a long time that something was wrong. just never could quite find the words to describe things.
i easily get overwhelmed with the fact that everything needs to be done, and can’t find the starting point… and as you stated, instead of starting somewhere, its easier for me to do nothing…
your husband mentioned that chaos adds to chaos, and there’s truth in that.
when a closet gets messy, i cant bring myself to straighten it because of the mess you create as you clean out and go through things…
thank you for writing this today. i needed to hear it. it’s opened my eyes.
i’m glad, sidnie. and today has been good for chad too. it’s gotten us both thinking about ways that we can be better to each other. =)
This is so great, you have no idea! I have a 9 year old son who has ADHD and it has been such a struggle. We tried for years to try to manage it medication-free… or find something else creating the symptoms. At the end of our mental list, we decided it was time to try medication. The first two he did not respond well to… but Concerta has worked REALLY well for him. We’re so happy for our family life and for him personally!
As a parent you worry, and worry and hope and worry… and I think reading this just helped with the hope.
Thanks! 
Thank you so much for sharing this, Sarah! You are a blessing to those of us who live with this undiagnosed…..thanks for helping us see how it affects the other person in the marriage! And, for giving us hope.
I needed this reminder. You wouldn’t think so, since I’ve known for years what our issues have been. But sometimes you just get tired of the sarcasm, the inconsistencies, the lack of hearing…
My husband has ADHD and both of my sons are affected. The oldest has ADHD and the younger has ADD. And here I am on the other end of the spectrum with clinical depression. We are a medicated family. It’s the only way we’ve been able to survive without killing each other.
I see the effects of no medication when I observe my in-laws and realize how bad it could be. It is very hard to endure at times and in this I think I’m learning what it means to stay “in sickness and in health.”
We all have stuff. Thankfully, some of us can get help with the meds that are on the market. Although, that too, is another long hard journey…finding the right one for your particular needs.
Thanks, Sarah. I needed this reminder as I head off for the counselor’s office to continue our discussion on commitment…for better for worse, in sickness and in health…
Thanks for talking about this today. Reading your post it was like a light bulb clicked on. I know my marriage won’t be perfect and I’m sure that I’m far from blame for my contributions. My husband and I have been married for two years. He had ADD when he was a child, but says now he that has grown out of it. It’s a bit of a touchy subject with him, but a majority of the things that you described with Chad, my husband is the same way now. I have learned to accept that this is the person I married and I love him regardless. I do have hope in thinking about how things could be different for us. Again, thanks for posting about this today, it’s a lot for us to think about.
Thanks, Sarah. This is really insightful and helps to understand those who have ADD better. Sometimes I wonder if one of my sons might suffer from some of these symptoms. I’m looking forward to hearing more about it.
My parents have been married for 30 years and my father has ADHD. He was diagnosed with it about two years ago, and has been on medication ever since. My mom has suffered a lot as a result of his ADHD, and through therapy and medication, my dad came to realize how much it truly had affected her in a negative way all those years.
So grateful someone is open about her struggle with her husband’s struggle. My significant other has some struggles of his own, and it gets exhausting sometimes. SO good to hear stories of people on the “other side” or at least learning to cope healthily. We’re headed there, but still very much in the midst.
Thank you for posting this. I am married to an ADD person. It is probably the biggest struggle i face daily. I feel most days like i am dealing with a child and have to keep him on schedule and organized. I am a type A person with schedules and lists and try to be very organized. We are trying to learn what works and what doesnt for us. Still new at this marriage thing…but on the plus side, he makes life fun!!
in the first few years of our marriage, the ADD thing was very hard. harder than it is now.
over time it’s gotten better. that is, if we both are motivated to ebb and flow with each other, learn from each other and work toward making things work. it’s hard work for both of us.
marriage is hard by itself, even without the ADD. add that to the mix and we have even more to work through.
we pray a lot. i cry. we end up eventually giving ourselves to the Lord and he works in each of our hearts toward the other. and in the end, i’m madly in love with him. even his add.
My husband is highly intelligent. He also has ADD. The two often seem to go together. It makes it really hard for other people to understand what is going on. Here is a brilliant guy who intuitively understands calculus, physics, is an amazing musician, the list goes on… And then he comes home, and can only handle folding the towels, but he misses the bright colored beach ones that don’t match the others. Or our taxes haven’t been filed in 3 years (all because of the overwhelming box of receipts that need to be organized that stress him to the point of mental paralysis). In the past he has even created that mental paralysis in unhealthy ways like drugs and alcohol. He desperately sought out ways to slow down his mind. I am learning how and when to help him before things get that out of control. But when a new acquaintance is confronted with the dichotomy that is my husband’s brain, it frequently results in irritation, hurt, and sometimes even loss of friendships.
kristi – i understand. and i agree about the brilliance. chad is a highly intelligent man who, in school, scraped by with D’s. he is an amazing musician, at the top of his field in technology and is a wonderful bible teacher. i totally get it.
and i think chad can relate to the mental paralysis too.
for chad, both the medication and just feeling the need to change certain behaviors, has led him to be different in a lot of ways. he still needs to work very hard at quelling the ADD tendencies but he’s learned a lot of habits that help him get by. and help us communicate.
Imagine being the mommy and having ADD, and parenting and ADHD son and and ADD daughter…lots of fun in my household!!
Seriously, when I am not on meds my kids love it because I have been known to forget IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTANCE what exactly I was disciplining them for in the first place!
I know exactly how Chad feels, and can identify with the frustration of dealing with day to day life. Luckily my hubby is understanding and God-blessed with an abundance of patience!
And am gad you touched on how this can affect marital communication and general all-around misunderstandings. When a spouse says they can’t help it sometimes, occasionally they are right!
i agree. and its taken me a long time to get the whole “i can’t help some of it” aspect of Chad’s add. i think i understand him better now.
and no, i can’t imagine what it’s like to be a mom with ADD on the plate too.
you are a brave woman!
My parents don’t get that. at all. I still live with them. They don’t remember that I’m different. Sometimes there is just nothing I can do. I’m going to talk to them soon. I hope that this discussion on here can help them understand, and realize what is going on.
Sorry for the typos
thanks for the post, Sarah. I’m just curious how a physician diagnoses adults with ADD/ADHD. Is it any more in-depth than a series of questions? Your post and your story are quite encouraging.
Thanks for the transparency.
Hi Faith. I am not a doctor but I am an adult with ADD. The process for diagnosis isn’t too complicated. There are the typical telltale signs; inability to pay attention or stay on task, quickly frustrated and explosive, inability to complete tasks (the 85% rule), etc. I was very fortunate to find a very Godly psychiatrist that doesn’t just jump to medicate but really works to understand the person and what will work best for them long term.
This is an online test I found today. There are some that are very short, almost too short. This one seems just the right length. Funny, as I went through it and read the questions it totally freaked me out!! I couldn’t believe how many of these described me EXACTLY. You might even want to take it FOR your spouse!
The URL http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm
I am currently on Vyvanse and it is working really well for us. I was on Concerta before and that was great too! Both providers have a $50 off coupon that, for most, covers the co-pay and then some for the first month. Your doctor can give you more info on that though.
http://www.vyvanse.com/ ($50 off coupon)
http://bit.ly/aWJp4U n(Concerta 30 day free coupon)
Looking forward to more conversations on the topic. I am totally fired up about the topic!!
SO, I asked my psychologist today, explained the light that went on in my head when I read this post, and also told her about the test, so she pulled one out, administered it to me, and what do ya know!? My score of 101 was pointing me correctly! SHe told me just to do some research and that we’d talk about what I’d like to do, but that I most definitely have ADHD, and I am SO relieved! I’m not just lazy!
So, we’re going to talk about meds vs treatments without meds, and I’m going to pray and ask the Lord to lead me. I am way excited, and I just want you and Sarah to know that I’m so thankful that you’ve provided this dialogue- it seriously changed my life! Thanks so much guys!
question: how does a spouse of a person who may have ADD respond? Our marital counselor brought up ADD and my spouse even took the test indicating a strong correlation with ADD. He saw one psychiatrist, who was quick to say ADD is overdiagnosed and handed us anti-depressive medication. Our counselor said, even if my husband doesn’t take ADD meds, there are other things I can do to be a healthier person and in turn a healthier person can benefit the marriage to a point. My husband is not seeing the counselor on a regular basis and ADD is a topic that is not discussed, but the ugly symptoms rears its head on a daily basis! How do I respond?
At my wit’s end.
liz, i am going to write a little to that question on Monday. What to do as a spouse. Plus Chad will be talking on a video.
I’m not a therapist or a psychiatrist, but I would suggest he see someone else. or even a family physician. a family doctor can prescribe medication although we strongly recommend care by a therapist or psychiatrist.
have your husband ask the counselor for tools to work with the ADD. I know my husband has, over time, created elaborate personal systems to help him remember things, tackle big projects, battle distraction, etc.
does he want to change some of his behaviors? motivation seems to be a big issue for people who suffer with ADD.
Sarah, Would you consider the below in your upcoming post or video discussion as well.
Yes, motivation, admission, recognition are some of the issues we face as a couple with ADD and SIN amongst other things that are driving a wedge between us. Living life with ADD seems to be the only thing the ADD patient knows. If you have a parent with undiagnosed ADD, then living this dysfunctional ADD sponsored life is all the more normal. Hence, recognizing ADD and its symptoms to be abnormal or unhealthy for the person with ADD who compares everything against to what he knows as normal is all the more difficult. The negative connotations associated with ADD (lazy, unmotivated, not good enough, etc) makes the person with ADD all the more sensitive to any comments indicating he is not like the normal healthy individual. What I’m saying is that as a spouse in a quickly deteriorating marriage, I feel like I don’t even have a place to suggest (again) that my spouse consider seeking help for ADD.
I’m learning about Townsend and Cloud’s “boundaries”. I am trying to figure out how exactly to respond to the deleterious effects of untreated ADD while staying within my boundaries and staying married (if this is the will of God).
So thankful I stumbled upon your writing a few months ago!
Sarah,
so there is my little shout out to you 
Thank you for being so vulnerable on your blog. I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. Your honesty about the challenges you face/have faced in marriage, parenting and as a woman pursuing Christ is EXTREMELY real and encouraging and I find myself as a newly married (2 years, woot-woot!) woman learning so much from you. So thank you! Also, I think you are so funny! And you are a great writer too
As for my comment about this specific blog post, I did connect with it in a different way. My husband does not have ADD, but I work in elementary and middle schools as a speech-language pathologist with young boys/girls with this diagnosis (or lack of diagnosis sometimes). Reading this blog post made me realize how important it is to help these students at this age because one day they will be husbands/wives, fathers/mothers, ADULTS. Your post helped me fast forward the lives of these students to adulthood and helped me to get a different, fresh perspective of how important intervention is for these students. I think being around kids all day and everyday makes it hard for me to view them as adults who will need strategies/interventions that will help them in their everyday life. But reading this post about ADD from a personal experience has really helped refresh my perspective as someone who works with students with ADD and other difficulties. So thank you for the fresh perspective.
~Danielle
Amen Danielle! I’m one of those kids that didn’t get the help. Man, if I knew back in grade school, middle school, and high school what was going on. Shoot, life would have been a lot better for sure. Thanks for what you do.
what a cool comment. i loved what you said so much i read it out loud to chad. thank you for sharing that perspective.
Sarah,
Thanks so much for sharing! I understand completely. I had to read this to my husband since he can’t focus long enough to read it for himself. He is medicated and it is still such a real struggle everyday for him. I love that you guys are sharing about it together. Thanks again. God bless.
Sarah,
What a great post, by you and your husband. My hubby, Jamie, has struggled with ADD since childhood. Since we’ve been married I’ve tried hard to accept certain struggles of his, knowing it was the ADD. I think he has learned to “manage” in a lot of ways, because I asked him to read your post and your husbands and pre-empted it with, “I sort of thought of you when I read these posts. I know you don’t struggle nearly like her husband does, but I just wondered if you’d read the posts and tell me if you related at all.” Well, his answer after reading, “Um, yeah, I don’t think I struggle any less than him. That is me to a Tee!” Yikes! I had no idea he struggled SO much! I really am thankful to know how much it is a burden to him. He tried one medication a few years ago and it had yucky side effects so he went off of it. He really wants to be seen by a good dr. though and wants to try meds again. Praying God directs us in those steps and that he can get some treatment and relief! Thank you for allowing God to use both you and your husband so that we could become motivated to seek help!
Ruthie
Ruthie – I’m so glad that he was able to relate to Chad. I hope that you both can start to work through some of it.
We still are. I think it’s a journey and we will always be on that road as a couple. As long as we are still pointed forward and continuing to seek to love each other like we should.
i know; some of the meds can have bad side effects. Chad has been on Concerta and Vyvanse. both seem to be not that bad.
Sarah, thanks for how open you are with your writing. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog, and have been longing to hear more about how you’ve dealt with ADD in your marriage. We’ve been married 7 years, and it took a few for him to accept my advice and see a therapist. It took a few more years for him to try meds. They help, but it still requires a lot of work. My husband is on medication mostly b/c he’s in seminary and knows it helps him study. He doesn’t seem to understand how it affects our marriage on a daily basis, and when I try to talk with him about it he gets upset and defensive. It’s hard to talk with him because he is so hard on himself, and with his struggle to focus, we rarely talk about the actual issue. We are on vacation this weekend and have struggled to connect all day b/c of this. It’s hard to talk about with others b/c people want to compare it to “normal” marriage issues and it just ends up sounding like I’m a big complainer. Looking forward to reading next week!
i totally get the not being able to connect thing. we struggle with that a lot and we haven’t mastered it. when you figure it out, let me know.
My wife has ADD and has been on meds for the last 10 years. It has made a big difference in our relationship and continuing therapy also. Way to go Chad and Sarah.
Sarah,
Your ability to share “real life” experiences is a gift. Though I’m old enough to be your mother, you have lifted me up on so many days.
I opened your site last night – and knew God was in that moment. ADD.
Our daughter is 19 & was diagnosed at 16. It’s been very difficult as she believed she “only needed medication for school”. She went off of it during the summer and any other school breaks. Though I had read every book I could find on ADD, I too had a very hard time. There is no “hypermobility”..she didn’t appear to have ADD (I know about ADHD as that is in our family as well). An Honors student, worked in the community, church etc etc. A powerhouse.
She had brain surgery for chiari malformation in Sept. She went off the Ritalin in August. Speed forward to this moment – she walked out the door and is presently living with two 19 yr old boys. Fortunately, they are good friends and are good to her – however, they are 19 yr old boys. She insists this is about “growing up”. We know it’s about running away and not being able to cope. Most people would say “but she’s 19″…she is, however, she’s been chronically ill for over 10 yrs and is emotionally very immature. She’s never had a job, she blew through her entire savings (though we had moved the money, she stole a debit card). No impulse control. She has a great deal of anger – her body doesn’t always cooperate and she is physically ill more often than not. It’s quite a tangled mess.
I am a multitasker. (need I say more? what a combination…I do 10 things at once; she could only handle one and sometimes not even one…and she only liked to fold big towels too)
I was diagnosed with colon cancer in November. I’ve been her advocate and caregiver all of her life. When my husband & I have a sane moment in this madness – some of this acting out is “fight or flight”. Flight is much more comfortable. She has a very hard time expressing her feelings. She is amazingly strong, fought through her illnesses for many years; being TOO strong. She’s an enigma to us sometimes.
Dr. Amen’s books have been very helpful. We had to return to his writing to see ‘where she is’ in her world.
For many years, ADD was a catch all “disorder”. It was overused and people got tired of hearing about it. (I’m one of those people). However, we’re living in the madness right now. We pray God will keep her safe and with the help of her therapist she will find the right medication and the correct dosage — and remain on it every single day of her life. She is a bright and beautiful girl.
Thank you for writing about a misunderstood disorder and for being so brave to share your lives. I too am looking forward to reading Monday’s “report”.
kathryn,
wow. what a story! thank you for sharing it. my girls are young yet, so the whole “letting go” thing is ahead of me. (sigh).
i’m so sorry about your illness. it must be amazingly difficult to worry about your daughter when you are sick yourself. i’ll be praying for you tonight.
we’ve read some of dr. amen too. and yeah, there is a little bit of a backlash because it has been overdiagnosed. however, chad was diagnosed more than 25 years ago, well before it was “popular”.
praying for you and your girl.
sarah
this a common thread for us, too. we can joke about it now, after 17 years of marriage….but it’s a serious issue. he often tells me that he has to really concentrate while we talk , otherwise he might be day dreaming about being a ninja. sounds funny, but it takes much work on his part and mine to make communication work well. so much of this post is like reading our story…the sarcasm, belittling, etc….like you, we have definitely found some healing…..some in the form of concerta, but mostly through being aware and changing the way we do things. thanks for the thoughts on this post. can’t wait to hear more!
it’s totally a balance. i agree.
My best friend’s little boy has ADHD, and it’s always a pretty intense struggle. He’s on meds, but we are constantly wondering how he’ll be when he grows up… he is the sweetest soul you’ll ever meet, but off his meds he turns into someone else, someone angry and mean. We know that for him his meds keep him at his real self and just want so badly for him to find his way in life that can bring him joy. He is SO creative and musically talented… I just see so much of what his future could be in this post.
yeah. i never disbelieve Chad’s mother when she tells stories about him growing up. wow…. that’s all i can say.
I’m the spouse with the ADD, and it’s a constant struggle. I was on Concerta for a while, and it kept me up at night. For the last few years, I’ve been on straight up Ritalin (it’s also a whole heck of a lot cheaper!!!), supplementing in the afternoons with heavy doses of caffeine (usually iced tea) or the occasional half-dose of Ritalin if it’s really bad. I know that if I don’t have some sort of heavy whack of stimulants in the morning, whether it’s the Ritalin or a strong cup of coffee/tea, I’m completely non-functional and grouchy, and my family notices. It’s also very difficult to parent a 6 and 4 year old (one of which I *strongly* suspect inherited my ADD, but we have no medical confirmation of this yet) in that state without completely flying off the handle.
You mentioned a link between sleep disorders and ADD – I’m convinced both are intricately tied together, but I’m not 100% sold on sleep disorders being a symptom of ADD – it’s entirely possible that it’s the other way around.
My husband and I BOTH have ADD.
Our similar, multi-faceted brains and ways of thinking and communicating are a very large part of what brought us together.
We are now about 7 months into treatment – we both take short-acting generic Adderall – and it has made a difference.
But it’s a long, slow, process to begin to put structures in place that can work for us. We are pretty high functioning but it takes much much more energy than it really “should”.
Anyway, I just wanted to comment that I am glad your voice has been added to the discourse surrounding ADD and relationships. So often – even on ADD or ADHD forums – there are non-ADD spouses whose idea of “support” is trying to teach their ADD spouse The Right Way to do something. Again. Or, to completely infantilize their spouses.
You and your husband are lucky to have each other. Keep writing, and good luck.
I’m honored that you would pray for me as you pray for “the multitudes”. Thanks again for your precious work on this blog.
Kathryn