I’m running around our city looking for a horse.
A specific one.
Problem is, I don’t know exactly what it is. But I’ll know it when I see it.
You know, it’s the special Unicorn-With-Wings or Rainbow-Maned-Delight or something. Either way, Hope’s birthday is next Tuesday and she’s been eyeing these horses since last summer at the Fair. And now that I’m searching online for them, I’m not sure if they actually exist in the same manner that I’m envisioning them. I still have to try.
In my own personal love-economy, gifts are important. I like to give them, I like to receive them. But it has nothing to do with money. It has everything to do with knowing.
I know my turning-eight-years-old daughter very well. I know that her mind play is filled with horses in all different scenarios: school, houses, fields, snow. When she’s not reading, she’s playing with horses. When she’s not beating up Lego bad guys on the Xbox, she’s playing with horses. And anything else she plays (dolls) with is just a means to working them into playing with horses (the dolls become the horse’s-mamas).
I know her.
And the gift I’m attempting to give her is out of love for her. It’s a means of showing her how much I love her by how much I know her.
Again: how much I love her by how much I know her.
Are you giving gifts like this?
Is what you are giving to your spouse, your parents, your children fueled by your knowledge of them? Are you buying ties for your dad when all he really wants is for you to have a cup of coffee with him? Are you pushing dance lessons at your daughter when all she really wants is for you to sit and read with her for that 45 minutes she’d spend in ballet?
I’m not always giving gifts like this. I often give what is easy or convenient.
What about God? Am I giving Him what He really wants from me? Is it fueled by my knowledge of who He is? He wants my time, my thoughts, my devotion. He wants my daily focus.
Recently I asked a girlfriend how her Christmas was. She told me that it was *fine*.
“Just fine?” I asked.
“My parents got me things. But not what I’d asked for,” And then she went on to explain that it wasn’t about the money spent or the wrapping or the gifts themselves. But that it was about the fact that she realized her parents didn’t KNOW her. They got her what they liked, not what she liked. And it made her sad.
When we do give gifts that fit the recipient, whether it be actual things, time or affection, we communicate love. Amazing love.
“You KNOW me!”
“You’ve THOUGHT ABOUT me!”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go find the Windy-Dancing-Rainbow-Pegasus.
(Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a great way to get to know yourself, your kids, and your spouse. There is a free quiz here if you don’t know what your languages are. Mine, by the way, are Quality Time and Receiving Gifts.)
I wish I’d read this post last year!!! not that it existed then lol, but it perfectly summed up my objections to my husbands family $10 Christmas gift limit…
They think I object because I’m a gift person and they think I want more spent on me, but it was more the fact that they had taken away my ability to love in the way I show love, in reality I wouldn’t have spent much more than that given our current financial situation but it would have been nice to be able to head out and find the perfect gift for each of them and if it was a little more or a little less than what I had planned to spend it wouldn’t matter because it’s not about the dollar value…
i know this full well.
i, too, love giving gifts that reflect deep knowing. and i love gifts i receive to reflect that as well.
when i got back to atlanta last night, there were boxes of christmas gifts waiting for me from my parents. i cried as i opened them. not because they were perfect, but because they … weren’t. like you said about your friend, they got me what they like rather than what i like.
and that says more about their hearts than their shopping skills.
Sarah,
I am a “gift-giver”. I have some gifts that were given to me years ago (worn out, not even usable anymore) and I keep them because of the “thought” that was put into them. Every time I look at the gift I remember how much that person loves me and the time and effort put forth in giving of the gift. “Being known” is a treasure of the heart. Continue to “know” those in your life and you will love them well.
Sarah, I am SO this person! I love giving personalized gifts!! I love finding that “thing” that the receiver totally wants/needs/desires…even if they wouldn’t buy it for themselves. My biggest success was buying my husband a watch for a 1 year anniversary. He didn’t NEED it but had mentioned months before that he “needed” (aka wanted one). I searched and searched and had it engraved and for DAYS afterwards he was saying how much he loved it and showed EVERYONE and ANYONE…including a waiter at a restaurant we were dining at! I think he did that to make me smile!
So in your quest for the “perfect” gift – have you heard of The Trail of Painted Ponies?
(http://www.trailofpaintedponies.com/)
Typically Hallmark carries them (and Dillards – however you don’t have Dillards in So.Cal) Perhaps you’d find the “perfect” horse figurine (if not on their site then in a hallmark store) that she could cherish. Just a suggestion in the event that you can’t find the winged dancing pegasus pony that her heart so desires!
good luck and blessings to you as you bless her
i too am a gift giver. a good person to know, if you know what i mean! such a blessing to give and receive love according to the ways you best interpret it. i find too that while i am a gift-giver “lover”, i “receive” love best as quality time. i actually would like to start my own business eventually as a “gift giver concierge.” maybe someday
ps. i collected those horses that hope loves when i was a little girl, and i still have the ones my mom bought for me.
I also like to give gifts. And quite often, I will give a gift with the knowledge that I won’t get anything back. And that’s ok with me. This Christmas, I think I did the best with my friend Heather. I know she loves coconut ANYTHING so I got her a gift set of coconut body was and lipgloss. She loved it! When she opened it, I knew I’d hit the jackpot.
So often it’s very thoughtless…as we think we have little time…this year I have tried to think a little ahead and not rush into something that really the receiver won’t care about.
Hope you find what you’re looking for Sarah and Happy Birthday to your daughter.
Char
This is so true – this Christmas, I was able to sit back & watch as my 4 kids gave each other presents that NAILED the recepient – that truly showed that the gifter knew the giftee. You wouldn’t believe how much fun that was! Amazing Christmas!
Exactly.
A generic gift isn’t really a gift, is it?
Sarah, I am a gifts girl, too – and this explains how I feel SO WELL!
This Christmas, my mom gave me a Christian living book and set of CDs by a speaker/author that SHE loves but I don’t like at all. My husband gave me an mp3 player. Not the shiny red iPod I’ve wanted for over a year. But an mp3 player that does so much more than an iPod and cost less. And my best friend bought me a beautiful scarf (and I WANTED a new scarf) in a design that I just don’t love either.
BUT. I’m trying to keep my gift expectations under control a little better, so I am trying hard to focus on the intention behind each gift and the good things about each one. It’s working . . . kind of.
Good luck finding your Windy-Dancing-Rainbow-Pegasus!
So so so true. My sister bought me a gorgeous new coat with coordinating gloves and scarf this year as a huge surprise. She had heard me mention this coat so long ago and knew through our current financial situation it was way out of my league for awhile. She snuck away, bought it and hid it in her closet for months…. waiting. She knew me so well, and her face lit up maybe more than mine did when I unwrapped it all. What a true giving moment. One I’ll never forget.
I hope you find what you’re looking for!
Thanks for the link to the 5 love languages. (Gifts is the lowest for me.) I forwarded it to my husband. Hoping he takes the test so we’ll know what he wants.
I was totally just thinking about the same thing as I was driving my husband to work this morning! I over slept and so by the time I got up, I had to leave right away to take him to work, no time for breakfast or a shower first, no time to really wake up and get in my groove. I hate when that happens, because then my morning gets thrown off and subsequently it feel like the rest of my day does too! My husband is such a gentle loving spirit, and often times he just wants to hold me and say hi, good morning, I have missed you, etc… Just for a couple of minutes, and I let my mind get focused on what needs to be done and just want to go go go that I pull away from him and don’t take a minute to love him back how he wants to be loved and show me love. To just be still. I do it with the cat too…
He pulled me in this morning as I am focused on getting out the door, because he has to get to work! I was moving and not paying attention to the fact that I could take a few seconds to really say good morning and he accidentally stepped on my bare toes, not too hard, but I acted as if it was, and I let it make me grumpy, and pulled away from him and finished getting ready so we could leave NOW! You know, because we had to. We are expecting our first baby in March and I was realizing as I was driving that I could end up doing that to her too. To let my needs and the list of things that I think are important get in the way of just being, and loving on her when she needs it, to take a minute and not get the dishes done, or not have to finish watching a TV show because it is SO important that I know how it ends, but just play and snuggle and love, and get things done later. I need to get that mindset now, for my husband, for my marriage, for my baby girl, and even for the cat.
PS. My love language is Things/gifts. Bought things, given things, special just because things that you have put a lot of thought into just for me…
I love reading your blog, Sarah. I love the colors you have chosen and the design. I love the way you write… Just wanted to share that with you. I don’t have time to read all the time, but sometimes.
My daughter, Grace, just turned 8 also. Love your attitude about gifts… I think I need to take notes from you.
i fret over getting the perfect gift for someone. i want them to love the gift. i am a gift giver. i LOVE giving gifts and i love seeing the person enjoying what i have purchased or made for them.
my top two love languages are gifts and acts of service (which sometimes an act of service is truly a gift).
i think we all want to be KNOWN. when i receive something that shows that person truly knows me – i feel very loved. it isn’t that i am not grateful or appreciative of other gifts, it just doesn’t give the same feelings.
Wow! I never realized why the perfect gift is so important to me (and I’ve read the 5 love languages). Thanks for sharing. I wish I had read this post before Christmas when I was developing my philosophy of gift giving. http://musicmomie.blogspot.com/2009/12/gift-giving-this-year.html
So strange that you say that, because that’s just what happened to me this past Christmas. I asked my family for one gift-one thing I really wanted. I didn’t want ‘stuff’ this year. I knew it would only collect dust in my room. I sponser a child (Pushpa) with Compassion and wanted their help sponsering another child. But instead, I got more stuff. The thought was nice, but it hurt me nonetheless. I cried a few times Christmas Day because it was just sad. They didn’t believe me or trust what I said. And, sure enough, I now have more stuff sitting in my room that I will never use, while there’s a little boy out there that needs my help.
Thanks for posting this. I wrote (on my blog) about what happened Christmas Day ^ and it’s nice to read that it happens to others, too.
I can so relate to what your friend said. My parents, grandparents, missed the mark for years. I finally had to just realize that I had to be very specific in telling them what I wanted (whether it was time from them, or a cookbook..) because some people do not look at gifts in the same light that I (we) do.
I loved this post Sarah!
My love languages are gifts and acts of service… both of which have been extremely rare gifts for me to receive…. that “knowing” kind of stuff. In rare moments though, I have been known to shed tears of joy over beautiful paper samples wrapped in a special box with a note because I felt known. This friend KNEW I would LOVE the papers and find a beautiful use for them. I was affirmed in this gift. It’s those gifts of thought from the heart that make you feel that you’ll sprout wings and fly…. and you are forever bound to the giver as you will never forget.
I SO relate with this post because I am definitely a gift lover….I love giving gifts and agonize over the little details of if it’s the right gift and if I know them and what I know about them and how I can share that. Same goes for getting gifts because I know if they know me or not…
Awesome Sarah! By the way, I have the same love languages. Must be why we always get along.
I did a little series on the Love Languages and how they might possibly apply to our relationship of love with God…and my one on Gifts came out something like this…but not as eloquently. Thank you.
sarah…
great post! i couldn’t agree more! i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be able to give a gift to someone when it screams that it must belong to them. when you feel like you KNOW someone and can put a smile on their face because they can feel that….nothing like it!
my daughter, too, loves horses. this year she will be 5…and we are going to make it a big deal. she is older now and appreciates the parties so much more. we are going to either find a horse to come to our house, or we will go to one! i hit a great deal, at homegoods, if you have one! they are/were carrying “paradise horses”….at a fraction of the price they sell for regularly! the stable was 24.99 when it usually sells for 100. the horses were 13-15 dollars when they usually sell for 45-50! you should check them out! i hope that you find that special horse. i know that i haven’t ever received that from my mother, so i love to be able to let my little girl and little boy know what makes them smile…and willing to give it to them! i hope she has a happy birthday!
Great post (as always), Sarah!
I am an acts of service kind of gal… I will come over and wash your dishes any ol’ day
I love to show my love through gifts that really fit the recipient. I have to be careful not to let my own gift-expectations get too high, though, because I know many other people show love in different ways. It’s tough!