This morning you can find me in the corner of my Starbucks, cozy with a Venti and the rain dripping down the windows.
It’s on a big street so when I get sick of writing I watch cars. Or Twitter. They’ve rearranged the seats in here so I can hole up in the corner in a a soft chair AND have an outlet nearby. Perfection.
Or later today you might find me in my living room with my almost four-year-old. We will be watching The Berenstain Bears and playing War with playing cards on the sofa. The dog might be sleeping on the floor next to us.
Maybe you’ll find me washing dishes or tap tap tapping on my laptop getting a blog post ready for the next day. You might find me texting a friend or returning some emails. I might be editing some photos or helping my second grader with her Lighthouse project for school.
I do all these things, but I am not the sum of what I do. Or what I’ve done.
I know I’ve written about this before but I want to clarify something because a few weeks ago a former reader emailed me and said this:
“I’m sick of hearing you talk about your affair. Get over it, will you?”
And then she promptly unsubscribed from my email feed.
That’s fine. I know people do that. I get the email notifications.
But it actually made me think about something. I don’t want to be the girl who camps in the past, who can’t look forward, who has to use her “problems” or her sin to create her identity today. I don’t want to be that girl.
I don’t want to wear my sin like a badge.
Because I’m not proud of it. I am proud of the grace God has bestowed on me, but I am not proud of my sin. I never will be.
But here’s the thing.
It is part of me. It just is.
Call it a consequence or a catalyst but it will always be a part of me. Just like my childhood, my relationship with my sister, the fact that I didn’t go to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 10, going to church 3 times a week growing up, attending a Christian college, my best friend, Ralna, from 4th grade, throwing away the cookie a little boy baked for me when I was six-years-old.
Those are all parts that make up who I am.
So I’m not going to be the girl that camps in the past (because God knows none of us want to listen to Milli Vanilli and wear Doc Martens again) and I will not wear my sin like a I-Can-Weave-A-Basket patch, sewn on my shirt with the careful, even stitches of my mother.
I will however, let the GRACE of God that was given to a woman wretched and sin-ridden continue to cover me, refresh me and renew me. And if I have to recall that time, if I speak of God’s grace to others and use my own life as an example, if I write God’s story in a book, then I will. If God gives me the honor of talking to some of YOU who have doubts in your marriage, who have gone through the storm or who have visited Hell like I have, then I am truly humbled. I welcome it and pray that God continues to give me wisdom as I talk to you.
But I won’t camp there because in reality, even if I’m in the plush corner at Starbucks, I’m living in the middle of Grace.
What do you think? What is the balance between living in the past and living in Grace?
(If you want to read my story, click here.
If you want to email me, sarah at sarahmarkley dot com.
It is so hard to find a balance. I have never felt you are living in the past, I do feel you use the past to change who you are and the decisions you make today, and isn’t that what you should do? Otherwise there is no good to come out of it. My prayer is to not sin, but when I do that it will change me for the better, that I will know the consequences and never want to cause that pain to my savior or loved ones again. I think people have seasons in our lives and she needed to her your story for a season, but she for right of wrong reasons is no longer in that season. I find you to be of great encouragement and I have never cheated on my husband and don’t need to have, to relate to the message of your heart. I feel your desire is to live your life as a pleasing sacrifice, and the thing that opened your eyes to that desire is the worst thing you ever did, so for the new desire it gave you, you can be thankful and talk about how much it means to you. Most of us don’t learn that from our mistakes, you have. I know I have rambled and I applogize for that, but I want you to know you are appreciated.
Cha Cha
WOW, I cannot believe that someone could be so ? I do not even know how to verbalize it. You are a piece of everything past and present. A sum of you parts. I think you do a great job balancing because I do not feel that you obsess about the past but are grateful for the the present and are inspirational to those who may have also walked in your shoes or are thinking about drifting.
I am working on balancing my life every day. I find it is an ebb and flow, sometimes heavy in one area and lacking in another. When I realize I have been lacking in an area I try to refocus and fill the void.
Watchman Nee writes in his book The Breaking of the Outer Man and the Release of the Spirit, “When your outer shell is smitten, dealt with, and humbled by all kinds of suffering and misfortunes, the scars and wounds that are left behind will be the very places from which the Spirit flows out from within you to minister to others.”
Enough said!
so well put and a great reminder to all of us!
Wow. Some people are rude. What I’ve been reading of your posts for the past month or so has not been you living in the past. But sometimes learning from others’ mistakes is the best way to learn. Keep on blogging! <3
Talking about our past mistakes and sins and talking about Gods grace to us during those times is not considered living in the past. Living in the past would be dwelling in those times daily, letting the weight of what I did drag me down into depression. Talking about how my mighty God brought me through and restored mine and my husbands marriage is living in Gods grace. It is taking something so ugly and hurtful and being able to give God glory because He brought us through! He restored our marriage, our life.
I thank you for your willingness to share your hurts and how God brought you through! It is just a gentle reminder to me of how He did the same for my marriage.
Keep telling your story Sarah…every time you do you help more people and satan loses more power.
God bless you!!
In order to know what has been restored or to understand the restoration, we must be reminded of what it was like before…before God’s love enveloped you and you were able to glimpse yourself as He sees you.
Sometimes we do live in the past and wear our “stuff” as a badge. But I’m thankful Sarah, sweet girl, that you are not one of those people.
I appreciate your honesty and the openness in which you illuminate God’s love for us!
Your story is a testament of Jesus’ rescue and God’s power in real ways, and I think it would be a shame not to appropriately revisit (and often) how deep and long and wide the love of God, through His mercy for you, is for you. And for you, it’s your story — of brokenness and repentance, redemption and renewal. It’s most of our stories, too — our plots just may be different. (But I’d say most of us know at least a few people personally in need of the redemption and perspective your story offers.) Keep telling! Because it really is about Him.
Sarah,
I have been following your blog for awhile now but this is the first time I have left a comment. I really admire your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your story with so many people.
Just recently I began a Bible study by Beth Moore (Esther) and there was something she said in my homework last week that really spoke to my heart and it reminded me of what you have said here in this post and the question you’ve asked.
Beth said, ” You cannot amputate your history from the destiny God has for you. Your past and future share the SAME root… Jesus.”
Keep telling and sharing your story because it is a story of redemption, grace, and forgiveness.
Christy and Sarah, I too am doing the Esther study and thought of the exact same thing! My husband and I buried 3 babies before we were able to bring a healthy child home to be with us. It is my story and and for whatever reason my destiny to be the testimony of God’s mercy and grace in my life. It is what makes me who I am today. God used those ashes to bring beauty to my life and many others. We should never be ashamed to tell our story, I believe that God leads us and as long as we are following Him and his plan, we will know when and how to tell our story.
You’re right, your story is a part of who you are. Never change that. It’s your honesty and transparency that drew me to this blog in the first place, and keeps me coming back everyday.
I feel indignant! Your story and insight is not pressed, it’s welcome. Those of us who have visited Hell too need to remember we’re not alone when things revisit us. We need to remember grace, and hope, and love reign. God’s love, grace, and hope. We find true peace in being challenged and being reminded by you, Sarah, and it’s God’s blessing on and calling to you. I say that if you face opposition doing God’s work, you must be doing something right for the devil to care (!) God bless! lots of love =)
Great post, Sarah!
A month or so back, I wrote a guest post for Serena Wood’s blog Grace is for Sinners called “Exposed”(she even had the audacity to call it “Affair Week”! Oh the nerve!)where I recounted the events that led to my first affair.
Before I sent it off to Serena, I shared it with my wife Melody and we both had a good cry over it. Some of the comments and emails that I received after that post asked why. Why would I drudge up the memory of that day? Why would I bring up the pain? Why not let the past be the past?
The simple answer is because of grace.
The first 30 years of my life, I felt I needed to perform a certain way in order for God to love me. To do this, I minimized my sin and kept lots of secrets. At my core was a deep unbelief in the wonderfully scandalous Gospel…He loves us just as we are!
When my sin was exposed, it hurt like hell. It was beyond embarrassing. I went from a perfect reputation to moral leper overnight.
But God met me there. I began to see how truly amazing His grace is. He didn’t save me because He had good taste. He saved me knowing full well I would have affairs. That I would lie. That I would break my vows. To Him. To my wife.
When I worked hard to keep a pristine reputation, I had to minimize my sin in order to keep up the front. Now that my life has been totally rocked by the truth of the Gospel, I don’t have to hide anymore. And because of that, like you, I don’t have to minimize my past failures.
As Paul shared with the Church at Corinth…
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
We can only boast in our weaknesses when we truly believe He loves us as we are.
Thanks for this reminder today.
Every thing any person goes through is a part of who they become and the grace of God changes us as we go along. The things we learn change us. There is a difference between becoming a new person and constantly referencing who you were.
My daughter had cancer. That is not mentioned on my blog. I lived through a nightmarish childhood unparalleled by any I have ever heard about. My marriage was an abusive continuation of my childhood. None of that is mentioned on my blog even though they all made me who I am today.
You do not have to keep referencing it for the grace of God to remain effective and true. The grace of God changes you. Reminding yourself of the past keeps you from falling into the same sin again. Reminding others most often only serves to evoke an emotional response, either for good or bad, sympathy or anger. Occaisionally, when God directs you to share, it will serve to glorify God. We just must be careful that we are only sharing those ugly things at God’s direction and not for the responses we might get from other people.
Never forget God’s grace. Never forget how far you have come. Never forget how easy it would be to become that person again. The rest of us don’t need the reminder near as often.
Your blog has the exuberance of skinny dipping in a lake of grace. And girl, my motto is NEVER skinny dip alone. We are.
Sarah, I discovered your blog from (in)courage and I think you are really brave to share your story with us. I think that it is good to talk about the past for a few reasons. One, if you feel you still need to talk about it, your healing isn’t complete yet. Two, your story is a story about forgiveness and strength and faith. It is an important story to tell.
As for finding balance for myself, I try not to dwell on my past but when I feel some aspect of my past weighing on me(whether it be mistakes I made, pain I felt or anything), I feel it. I think about it because if it is making its presence known, then it NEEDS to be looked at if only for a reminder that God loves me and has a plan for me.
Don’t stop telling your story. I think too often people are too afraid or too ashamed to speak about their own sin and mistakes but it helps everyone, you and us, to see your strength and God’s grace in your story.
Sarah,
I to was drawn to your blog because, until YOU, I had never seen someone who was willing to throw themselves straight on the alter of truth, even if that truth was not flattering. Most of us only like to share things that put us in a good light, not one that exposes the very sin that Christ came to redeem…we have a great cloud witnesses in scripture whose sins are recorded for us to learn from, but in the end, they are known for their great faith.
Together we will press on sista!
Living in the present in a the way that God wants us to is made so much more through us being able to look at our ‘battle scars’ so that we can remind ourselves of what we have been through and of how great and breath-taking God’s grace really is.
There is definitely a fine line between walling in your past and using it to repel you forward-but that’s what we have the Holy Spirit for. To help us distinguish between the two.
Don’t stop writing, you really are an inspiration.
Really? I see you wearing forgiveness like a crown.
You are beautiful.
You are full of grace and redemption.
And all I see is that shining through.
Oh I so agree with the commentor above me! So well said! I think part of your living in grace is to be able to share your story to help those who are in your situation or in the flip-flopped situation. I know you have helped my healing tremendously.
Sarah,
I think you are wonderful and brave. I, too, have rarely heard someone so openly talk about their past mistakes- and I say DON’T STOP! What has happened in your past has made you the woman you are today. A woman redeemed. A woman who can encourage and inspire other people to love Christ better. Thank you for witnessing to forgiveness and redemption.
Like other readers, I am shocked by the response.
When a person falls down they must always remember the fall to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Use the fall as a guide. Allow it to shape better decisions for us going forward. Because you are right, our mistakes/sins make up who we are…just like our good deeds. It’s a complete package.
I truly believe that you are on the right path…and inspiring many others along the way. Despite what others may say or how they may judge you, you continue to share your life with us and show us your true self. Regardless of the outcome.
I for one am grateful to you for that.
I don’t think anyone should live in the past, but I do believe in passing on wisdom FROM our past. The Bible is one big book of people’s mistakes, written down by God Himself, so that we can learn from them. None of us deserves forgiveness but we get to bask in it because of Jesus. Sarah, you have always given God all the glory for bringing you through your low places and blessing your life here and now. Keep sharing your story, girl!!
Like Bree said above, the Bible consists primarily of people’s real life mistake stories… preserved for us to learn from and be comforted. You are doing a noble thing, Sarah, by being honest. Sometimes, people just prefer shadows to the light. Keep shining the brightness of God’s grace, forgiveness, and healing. Love ya, girl.
If we look at the Bible we see God highlighting past sins and past sinful decisions to remind us of how much we need HIM and his grace. There is no need to mourn in our sin, but their is a need to grieve over the hurt we have caused to our God and others.
It is not just about us and our life but how can use “all things together for good for the building up of the body. I think your story does just that.. brings forth light and grace through what would look like a dark and hopeless situation. I can think of no greater way to highlight the magnificent beauty of our Lord. We just have to live in a deep reality of who we are, where we have been and how amazing GRACE truly is.
Balance can be a tricky thing – having the right amount and letting God assist you in that is the best possible thing you (or anyone) can do. We need to learn from our past and move on, but lessons are learned continuously, and that means having our past there to teach us.
We don’t camp in our past, but we learn from it and use it to make wise decisions in the future. God’s grace blesses us so abundantly to forgive us of our past sins and what a blessing that is!
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Hmmm…I wonder what’s happening in her life to elicit such a response from her. After all, SHE came to YOU. I’ll be praying for her.
I made a choice years ago – I decided to be a survivor, not perenially a victim. Moving past rape, rejection, judgement (& doesn’t everyone have something to say about it?)was hard – a balancing act at first. But I learned, as you have, that I’m defined by the work my Lord has done IN me, rather than what people have done TO me, or the bad choices I’ve made. And what He has done in me is like the pile of rocks in the Old Testament. The standing stones. God would tell the Israelites, after He had shown Himself to them in a life-changing event, to pile up big rocks as a testimony. So that everytime someone passed by, they would ask “Hey, what happened here?”, and then the Israelites would have the opportunity to testify to God’s work in them…”Well, this & that happened, and this is how God worked in it all….”
I’ll never forget what happened. I have the evidence in my life – I’ve been transformed! Although I would’ve never sat down & said, “Hey, I’ll get raped, make many really stupid choices as a result, then be rejected & judged beyond belief”, I would never give up the transforming work that Jesus has done in my heart. Never.
In you, Sarah, I see God’s redeeming love, grace, & forgiveness. I see someone who is taking what was meant for bad, & allowing God to use it for good. I see someone who is not wallowing in the past, but is using it for God’s glory.
i am so grateful that we are not defined by the mistakes we’ve made, the sins we’ve committed. kudos to you for learning from your past and using that to help others. our sins have more power over us if we keep them secret, Satan looses power each time we recount the grace, forgiveness, and love God has shown us in the midst of our sins.
Well, personally I’m beginning to understand the truth that God keeps no record of wrongs. He wipes the slate clean and there is no more evidence of the wrong that has been done. I’m trying to learn what that looks like.
I do think we can wear our “sins” like a badge, though… It can draw attention to us.
We have a past too. I rarely speak of it. ONLY when God tells me someone needs to hear that I identify with them. Because honestly I do not think God wants us to be known for our sins.
I don’t think that we have to mention what we’ve done in order to tell of His redemption. But there are occasions where He gives us an opportunity to tell another we understand.
I guess it all boils down to…. why one refers to their past sins when talking of their present.
What’s the motive. God will reveal the motive of the heart if we will ask Him.
Again I think of…. “He forgives our sins and remembers them no more.”….
Sarah,
So many gracious comments to unbalance the one who left … and why did she leave?
She left because something here touched a nerve. Something touched her, deeply.
Her responses look and smell like judgment. And always, under stern judgment is a desperate need to understand grace. You give grace. You’ve lived it. You model it.
No worries.
Below I’ve attached my response to a similar crux in my own life. God used a hot spilling coffee at stoplight to get my attention about something deeper … something that had to be laid down so new life could begin. I hope you get a minute to go check it out.
Thanks for being so bravely transparent in your journey.
~K.Leigh
The Spill — Mopping Up the Meaning in LIfe
http://kleighjar.blogspot.com/2009/10/coffee.html
I could not agree any more with these responses.
I am grateful to you for your courage in visiting the past, not living there but at least visiting (and taking us there with you) so that we can see the true depths of redemption.
If there is one thing I have learned from reading the Bible, it is that God has a way of using broken people, truly broken and hurting people become the vessels of his love, his hands, his feet. Maybe because those of us that are so broken are so much more aware of the grace we have received and that then affects our ability to give it away more freely to others.
As for me, I am grateful that you return to the place of your pain. It reminds me that God can redeem the most miserable of situations. For those of us that are still in the depths of hell, it is am important reminder of the promises of redemption.
You cannot have redemption without the fall.
Sarah –
I started reading your blog because of your story of grace and redemption. I’ve never thought of you as “the girl that blogs who had an affair” rather “the girl that blogs who gets grace.”
I’m dating a guy who has a past that make most people blush. BUT God has done and continues to do an AMAZING thing in his life. And as we get to know each other more and I get to know more about his past, I become more and more grateful for it. Not because of what he did, but because of how it is making him into an amazing man. If he never talked about it or told me some of the stuff he has, then I would wonder and question if it’s stuff he’s really done with or if he really gets what God has taken him out of.
Our past is NOT what defines us. It is what makes us who we are today and who we will become tomorrow.
Ok… i sorta GET why someone would think that, but do they have ANY clue how many people have and ARE getting help and restoring their marriages and LIVES because of your posts?
With that said… thanks for reminding us not to camp in the past. Of course, that’s easier said than done, right?
Love you, friend… love you more than sushi. sometimes.
That thought never crossed my mind of you camping in the past. Sorry about that comment.
/
Revival begins with remembering… remembering what the Lord has promised and done. Remembering His hand in our life…
Remembering the trials and heartaches we have been through, and that’s the thing, WE GOT THROUGH THEM, because of HIM. And HIS hand and His grace…
Remembering what you have endured and gone through, but knowing He brought you through it, it will revive your heart, as well as others. I can’t imagine the many women that you have touched and brought hope to through your story… through your story, hearts will be revived, simply because they can see the bigger picture, Who Christ really is… He’s a lover and has forgiven us all, of whatever roads we come from…
Keep seeking Him and sharing… I love your blog and love following you and reading about your heart.
) It is so beautiful. 
)
I think you should share your story as often as you want. What if God had only shared his “story” of redemption one time? What if we had not had the opportunity to hear it? Your story is also God’s story. Sharing God’s redeeming love and grace when you have opportunity is far different from living in or “wallowing” in the past. He expects us to tell others how He has changed us. You are doing a fabulous job of doing just that!
Sarah~
I haven’t had anyone tell me to “get over it” yet, and my situation was a little different than yours, but it IS a part of who I am, a BIG part…and it’s helping to make me who I am becoming.
I say, keep referencing it as the Spirit leads because SOMEONE will run across your blog, or mine, or some other lady (or fella) who has dealt with a sin similar to the one they find themselves trapped in.
They will feel hopeless, helpless and unworthy and our stories will point them to the truth of reconciliation the beauty of forgiveness and the wonder of grace.
May we all be ever mindful that but for His grace we would be wallowing in despair…without hope
I understand. I have been told the same thing, by a woman I have known for over half my life, and then she disappeared for years. She was convinced that talking about a buried child, infertility, and my husband leaving meant I wasn’t “over” them. She never did understand.
I do.
Those things made me the woman I am today. To ignore them would be to disown myself.
Sarah, I just keep coming back to something you said…. “It is part of me. It just is.
Call it a consequence or a catalyst but it will always be a part of me”…
I can’t stop thinking about that statement….I’m not sure what you are saying…. but Sarah it’s not a part of you. Your sins do not define you. Your identity is Christ in Sarah… even on your worst day.. He removes your sins from you. They are no longer a part of you….. They will never be a part of you in His eyes…..
Personally I think that each time you refer to your affair, God says, “what affair”? Jesus removed our sins…. they are no longer a part of us….
Can you explain what you mean by your statement?
Julie,
Well of course all the experiences of my life are part of me. The things we do, what we go through, they all shape us.
I’m sure you would agree its alright to tell stories from our past to illustrate the beauty of God’s grace.
And I think you have been reading me long enough to know that I FULLY believe in the completeness of God’s grace, and that, YES he sees me as sinless. Absolutely.
Why do I talk about it if God sees me as sinless? Because I give testimony to His work in my life. As I must.
As did David. As did Paul. As did anyone who Jesus changed.
The whole point of my post was that I DONT want to wallow in it. At all. And I don’t think I do. But I do want to give testimony to His love and grace and His rescue.
And at the same time I can believe in his complete forgiveness too.
My life has shaped me. No one can deny that. Experiences help to mold us. So yes, what I’ve done is a part of me. Not in a shameful, sinful way, but in a way that gives testimony to God’s grace.
Does that help at all?
Sarah,
I found your blog BECAUSE of your story, and I am motivated, encouraged, and blessed everyday by the things that you have to say, ideas that you have to share, and the bravery that you display as you let us into your life….ALL aspects of it. From a person who is living in the middle of that “hell” that you and Chad have lived through and survived, I will say I wait everyday to see what you are willing to share with us. If God can bestow His grace on you, then I know He can on my husband too. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart that you WANT to do what you are doing, in sharing your story with us. Please continue to share what YOU feel led by God to share and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Amen, Sarah. The thorn in my side, is depression and the struggles that I’ve had and the grace the Lord has given. You are a beautiful and amazing woman of the Lord, and writer and it’s exciting to see what He is doing in you and through you with your writing; and how He is glorified in you and your story.
Keep fighting the good fight of faith.
God bless
Sarah,
Your story is one of redemption…God taking our ugly mess and turning it around to use it for good, for His glory. It’s good to remember the past and to remember what God did for us in the past. That keeps us from getting prideful.
You are not dwelling in the past. If you were, you would be beating yourself up, living in guilt and shame. You have moved on…to the place where you can minister to others and use your pain for the benefit of many.
You are a light in this world. Keep shining.
In Christ,
Julie
Keep doing what you’re doing friend. Your story is His story and He’s using it in powerful ways. Look forward to reading it every day. Much love…
j.
God’s Love is beautiful. It’s perfect.
The difference becomes when we glory in the “sin” instead of the one who redeemed us. Our Father.
I don’t believe you are doing that. Only you know. All I know, is, that your story. . . is saving many a marriage!
GLORY BE TO GOD!
Hugs my friend,
Traci
There is the old saying
“Those who forget history are destined to repeat it”
There is a careful balance. God has washed us clean and remembers the sin no more. Therefor you are not that girl (and neither am I) branded forever with the scarlet A.
We are saved, redeemed and washed clean. BUT its a question of knowing our weaknesses and gaurding them – you do this with your boundaries.
At the same time you minister to others through your story.
I was lost – but know am found …and so can you.
EVEN GREATER – your blog gives me hope. I am living in a marriage destroyed by my actions…that is not yet restored. My husband is lost and angery. He has turned away from God. You and your husband give me hope.
I leave with yet another old saying
If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs – the one the yelps is the one that got hit…something you said hit her deeply…she couldnt handle the pain. I will pray that God moves in her life – something there is raw and hurting – and that is why she emailed you and ran away from the pain.
Keep up the ministry…we need you!
I want to add that I am reading
“Hinds Feet on High Places” and “Mountains of Spices”
In it Hannah Hurnard shows that the things inside us that are our weakness can be changed by Jesus into the exact opposite and therefore produce the most beautiful of qualities. Much Afraid becomes Grace and Glory
I may be Broken Woman now – but through christ i know he can change this broken woman into a beautiful women of christ!
I don’t think anything you are doing is a show of living in the past. You are not glorifying what you did. You repented and changed what you do from this point forward. I believe it is necessary for us to share our mistakes when we can so that others who may not have heard our stories before can hear what God has done through our past choices.
I believe those who do not choose to share their stories with others are denying themselves and others the opportunity for God to heal them through another. I believe that God not only created man so that He could fellowship with him, but so that we could fellowship together.
One thing my pastor always cautions against is when believers try to do it on their own. We can’t. All that will happen is anger/hurt/disappointment turned to bitterness and it will fester. We need each other whether it is through a blog post or a sermon at our local church or face time with a friend. I need the Body of Christ. It’s part of the healing.
God bless you, Sarah and Chad. May you always have your eye on Jesus. Remember where God has taken you through and where He is taking you.
Much love and prayers being sent your way.
I remember the past for hope. Because on the days when I’m not living in the grace God has covered me in, all I can do is hope that tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after, I will get back to the place that, at some point in my past, I lived and moved and had my being in His word, His love.
Looking back is all that gives me courage to move forward most days.
I believe as the Casting Crowns song that comes to my mind as I read this… we are all “Caught in the Middle”.. Listen if you do not know it.
Keep writing.. I need your ministry! It helps me and inspires me!!!
hugs from NY
Kim
Someone above said we are the sum of all the parts of our life. I am who I am.
It’s important for me to not condemn myself. I was so good at that. Never good enough. Even though I was the “smart” one in the family. The oldest. The only one to graduate college. You know the kind! I found relief in addiction. God brought me into recovery kicking & screaming. And blessed me with recovery. And my life. I don’t want to be addict girl anymore. I want to be an addict in recovery. It is part of my story. If I “play the tape all the way through”.
It is my past, but I find balance through living my life. The good times AND the bad times. God’s grace means I don’t have to DWELL in the past, but I can use it as a tool to help other addicts. And non-addicts. There is a better way of life, but I only know this because of who I am and have been.
That’s an interesting question. I’m not sure I have the answer. I think some things just become a part of you but then others, Satan can bring up time and time again to make us feel inferior or to limit us in how God can use us. I guess just make sure that it’s not the latter. Maybe find a way – a baby step way – to move forward and leave a bit of this painful “albeit forgiven” part behind.
Dear Sarah,
I wish I had more time to write out a beautiful letter of encouragement, but I don’t. I have been & am crazy busy this week, so I just have enough time to say KEEP WRITING & STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF (yourself being awesome!!).
Love-Oly
Sarah,
First off you are NOT living in your past! You are not dwelling on it, you are sharing your experience to help others through their struggles. If you were living in the past, you wouldn’t write things about the future. We can all learn from the past and move forward. And NO JUDGEMENT from me…who am I to say how you feel or what you have been through. Not my job. That is between you and the Lord. I do know your posts have helped me everyday. Love, Michelle