we have not been good about this in the past… at all. in part because of financial limitations and in part because i have struggled with leaving the kids and not feeling guilty.

since we have moved, i think we have done a better job but not a great job. generally if we get a sitter and go out it is with another couple or for an event. we are still not great about setting aside time for just us. our sitter funds are usually used up by that time. i know it is important and we need to do a better job of making it a priority and saying no to other things. or creating at home dates once the kids are in bed… we stink at it!

thanks for the great post. miss you and love you!

I think your advice is practical, sometimes we get very general advice and are not sure how to carry it out. It’s also very timely, with marriage and family under attack from every angle and every turn.

Thanks:)

I also want to point out that I am not sure how #1 was or could be deemed as misleading at all. I think it is the most important by far for any healthy, fruitful, loving marriage.

“1. We regularly set aside time for just ourselves.”

Whether you live in this Western society, Asia, Down Under, or some primitive village wherever, time set aside for one another, for your marriage, is so important. Marriage is a committment, it takes time and effort and yes even when you are exhausted, something as simple as sitting on the couch (or the bare ground if you live in a primitive village) cuddling and making mindless talk after the kids are in bed is just that–setting aside time for one another.

Right now we are in no position to be able to afford nights out, weekends away, a babysitter, nor do we have family close by to even grant us a few hours “free”, but we still set aside time when we just hang out and watch movies, sit on the couch and talk, read out loud to one another, pray together, whatever. And yes my husband would fall into that category as being one of those that is too tired for even an inexpensive date, but all praise to him, he also realizes that second to God, his Family is by far way more important than his job, studies, whatever. Yes he works and goes to school full time, but he always ensures that he spends time with his family and invests in our marriage no matter how tired he is and I try and do the same even if I have been up all night with a newborn. Time for your family, for your marriage no matter how busy, tired, exhausted, poor, primitive, etc. is soooo important! Thanks for the great reminder and thanks for sharing what you and Chad do that works for you. )

Personally, I love time that is different/apart from our “normal” daily schedule. I need a “pause” button on our life that allows us to catch up with one another and breathe each others air without the frenzy of work, kid, ministry and just normal life issues. This can translate into a date night, dinner, coffee or simply a walk. As long as it is out of the “stream” of our weekly busyness.

To clarify what we mean by a “date night” or a “weekend away”. Date night normally consists of coffee and a stroll through Barnes and Noble. It might include dinner and if so, it’s usually CHEAP. Weekends away are normally within 25 miles of our home and we used a coupon for an already cheap hotel. We are rocking blessed to have both my parents and Sarah’s parents close and they love watching the kids. It doesn’t always work out, but we do our best to do it when we can.

I can speak for a majority of my male friends, they enjoy time away with their wives, whether a date night or overnight. Anything a couple can do to find “protected” time to regroup, connect and get back on the same page with their spouse is worthy of pursuit.

And there really are husbands out there who are too tired even for an inexpensive date. Life being what it is, wives need to adapt to that, and vice versa.

I have seen far too many women do damage to their marriage because they want the romantic getaways and date nights when it’s just not feasible. Honestly, those things are more for women than for men. They choose resentment and bitterness over the fact that they can’t have 2 overnight getaways a year, that they can’t afford to go out for dinner once a week. They drag poor, tired, over worked spouses out on dates that they insist that they ought to have and then feel disappointed when their spouse, barely able to stay awake, is unable to summon the energy to be an attentive escort.

What they ought to be doing is cheerfully working hard at making home a restful place, and serving their family and husband well, setting for their children that example of cheerful selflessness toward their spouse, of loving service. Exuding an attitude of “we’re in this together and as long as we’re together and love each other we can be happy.” That would be the mature example to set for your children, far more important than a date night every week.

Of course, it’s entirely possible to be creative about time alone to reconnect that doesn’t involve money, and plenty of women have done that, and done it well, but it only works after you let go of your expectations of what it should look like to have a loving caring marriage and find out what it actually looks like for you in the place that you are in.

maybe i should have been a little more clear in my explanation of what a date night is for us.

95 percent of the time we do anything without the kids, we go to starbucks and walk thru barnes and nobles. my parents watch the kids.

out the door we spend 10 dollars not including gas.

and our weekends away, my parents or inlaws watch the kids and we usually go someplace close and cheap.

and the things i listed as 2, 3, and 4 are completely free. talking, connecting, not going to sleep until things are worked out, choosing hanging out with each other and not other people — all free.

we’ve spent many a picnic on the living room floor with tacos and chips and salsa after the kids have gone to bed.

i reread my post and i don’t think i implied that someone needed to spend money to have a good marriage.

i totally understand your point of view, but i don’t think my list was silly. i think it’s practical.

in fact we welcome comments from men. i like your idea of letting your wife have her wednesdays. what a cool thing.

and i like the dim lighting idea. especially since i just had a birthday…

thanks for your comment! you were the lone male perspective for this post. =)