Oh yeah.
None of us really want to do that.
To stand naked in front of the metaphorical mirror and nitpick myself.
I’m sagging here. I’m chubby over here. And look at that, I never noticed that line before.
And then the realization that
It
Will
Only
Get
Worse.
It doesn’t get better from here. Gravity. Time. Age. Cookies.
[sigh]
[another sigh]
My husband knows when I’m defeated when I let out a long, depressed-sounding breath.
“I can’t find anything to wear” is code for “Nothing fits me the way it used to.” I think after 13 and a half years of marriage he understands my cryptic speak. “You look great, honey.” He says. “I like that sweater the best,” as he points to the bed, cast-off clothes piled on the end.
But I still have to look at ME.
In that mirror.
And I will look at me. And I will look at my heart. Because unlike my mid-thirties body,
A heart
Can
Get
Better.
So many times I want to look the other way, pull on a pair of pajama pants and a big sweatshirt over the curt words, the frustrated thoughts at why-did-he-leave-his-stuff-all-over, and the single-mindedness of me. I want to rummage in my own closet through clothes on hangers to find the right face to wear, the right words to say, the perfect expression for my mouth.
But instead, I need to look directly at my heart and discover what needs to change in me. What do I need to fix to be the girl that God needs me to be for my husband, my daughters and my friends? I need to look at myself in the harsh florescent lights and let Him know me, search me.
Can I change the impatience? Can I change the procrastination? Can I change the sometimes-laziness? Can I fix the sour thoughts? Is there hope for me? Or am I destined to submit to time and allow myself to get worse and worse until I tumble into the bitterness of convalescent homes?
No.
Open my nakedness up to the One who created me. Open up the ugly corners of my heart, the things I think I hide from Him. Stand in front of Him and allow Him to do the changing and then be willing to do the work. I have to look at myself, but with God as the filter and the catalyst for change.
What do you think? Is it hard or easy to look at yourself “naked”?
***The winner of the Illuminate necklace is Jordan: 
“electricity! What would we do without it? And it isn’t until we loose power that we realize how precious it is.”
Congrats Jordan! Enjoy!
And if you didn’t win, you can buy the Illuminate necklace HERE.
Sarah- I know and understand what you are saying. I look so hard and try to find that person that I really really believe exist within me, but each time I look in the mirror its just me. The me who wants to see that person in the mirror smile because she “is” beautiful in side and out.
I know that my heart longs to love and to be loved, and I know that I must start, as Michael Jackson said…”with the [man] woman in the mirror”.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Sarah: It is hard to look at myself naked and I’m what the Dr. calls a perfect weight for my age! I quickly dim the lights in the bathroom, or put the towell around me until I go get the clothes to wear that day. My hubby has told me a trillion times how gorgeous I am, but I cannot wait to cover myself up. I don’t think I will ever get over it. A mind set I guess!
Sarah,
At first, it wasn’t easy because looking at yourself almost requires you to make a change because none of us are perfect. Lately, I’ve been enjoying looking at myself in the mirror. God has been doing a work inside of me and I’m back to working on the outside taking care of myself. I think I’ll go marvel at me a little more before I head out for my morning run. There is definitely no vanity here, just an appreciation of my life and who He’s shaping me to become.
well said Sarah…as always
Reflecting on myself I find that I do not have a clear picture. It is amazing that my vision is skewed, not really seeing what is before my eyes. I struggle each day trying to work on myself, tweaking what I feel is lacking or needs to be changed. What can I do to be a better person. It is a slow process! I feel like a caterpillar. One day I will become a beautiful butterfly. Working from the inside out. May my beauty illuminate from within.
From a guy perspective, I have been about 27 years old for so long it is really hard to get used to 64. Last week my 47 year old significant sweetie and I saw a real 27 year old 10% body fat Spandex covered cyclist fly down the cross street at about 25 mph. I sighed and said, “I can’t ride like that anymore.” My usually sensible wife replied, “No you can’t. You’re 64. Getting older is not for sissies.”
OK. She’s right, but on the blessing side I can still get on my 35 year old Schwinn Voyageur and ride 35 miles. On the blessing side, wrinkles look “distinguised” on me. On the blessing side, I have the love of a good woman. I have a faithful dog. Now don’t discount how dogs feel about you. Before we started seriously dating I had to get the approval of my wife’s dog as well as my wife’s best friend. I passed both tests.
On the blessing side with the help of my wife I’m a better Christian than I used to be.
I’m still striving. Lord knows I’m not perfect. I’m a sinful person. But I expect to get His blessing for trying. I really disagree with “once saved, always saved.” Every day my life reminds me of Tom Merton’s prayer, “Lord, there is nothing I can do myself that pleases you, but I pray that my seeking to please you will please you.”
There is life after 30, 40, 50, 60… I’m not sure yet about 70. Every day is a little adventure. All of our days together become a lifelong adventure, a mirror of all that we have been and are. I’m enjoying it, distinguished wrinkles and all.
It’s hard to take that look into our hearts, but like you said, thankfully, our hearts can be changed, our minds renewed. Praise the Lord for His goodness in that!
Thanks for a great post! Enjoyed it. Now I have to go look in the mirror and see what’s reflecting back.
yeah, i do not enjoy looking at myself naked at all!!!! not a fan of that!
i have a husband just like yours though, ‘oh honey you look sexy!’ uh huh!! yeah right! did someone pay them to say that!!
i used to get so frustrated when he said that but i have come to appreciate how he still sees me beautiful and he appreciates me for more than my body!
looking at my heart is just as hard. it takes honesty and sometimes i am not willing to do that. thank goodness God has not given up on me.
Friend, this si such a good, timely reminder for me! Thank you so much!!! We can get better. There is hope. There’s ALWAYS hope.
by the way, I really, REALLY love that photo of you- for real, girl!
Beautiful words of hope, friend. As hard as it is to look at the what we see in the physical mirror, it’s ten times harder to look at the heart-mirror, because we have to learn to truly let God work to bring about that change. We can run a few extra miles to diminish the bulge, but heart-change require trusting Jesus to do the work and walking close enough to him that it happens.
What is funny is that I can stand in front of the mirror and scrutinize every little flaw in my naked body. Everything is “wrong” in my eyes. Then, I think of my heart… why is it so much harder to see the flaws there when clearly they are so much worse.
I find myself most likely facing divorce. My husband has left. My life feels in ruins. I wish I could say that God was the filter and the catalyst for my desire to change this messy heart of mine. Unfortunately, it took the pain and anguish of betrayal and abandonment to spur change. That was my catalyst. I wish it hadn’t taken that. I wish I had seen the need that was there as well as the hope that remains. I wish He had, indeed been my catalyst long ago.
I wish I had been stripped naked and vulnerable on the inside before now.
Yet I still hope. I still rest in the promise that change is possible and that he is making me new everyday, that he can use my bruised and bloodied heart in His Kingdom.
Thanks for reminding me, Sarah. I needed that today.
I’m so sorry Jessica. I can’t imagine the pain and difficulty you must be enduring right now.
Thank you for sharing here on this blog. We as a community will be praying for you.
You’re totally trying to find clothes for Blissdom, aren’t you?
joking
a little.
This post is right on, Sarah.
right. i never thought about it like that. =)
clothes must be on my mind.
Thanks for this…I needed it!
I hate looking at myself, but its oh so necessary.
But chica, this picture you posted of yourself is smokin’! YOu look like a movie star : )
Great post.
Two new wrinkles here, more than a bit chubby there…
They said that old age was not for the faint of heart.
Looking in the mirror takes a major act of courage. Do I get a medal?
If God let me see all my heart at once, I would die of fear and shame.
In His grace He shows me His heart and reminds me that by beholding I am changed.
That was a great reminder Sarah! I think we often times get so busy being busy we forget to “look at ourselves naked” with God’s eyes. It is very difficult but something so necessary. I actually enjoy it now…haven’t for a while.
Bless you Sarah for making things a little brighter in my life.
Jessica
I’m with you. It’s SO hard for me to look at myself in the mirror (especially being 8 months preggo right now…). My hubby has threatened on occassion to get rid of all of our mirrors until I can learn to love myself the way he does. Praise the Lord for great husbands and a perfect Savior who made us in HIS image!
When the Cushings was at its worst this summer, I was deformed. Not just hugely fat and swollen, but deformed. Friends couldn’t help but cry when they saw me, and as hard as I searched in the mirror, I couldn’t see myself. Looking up in the computer screen that went dark after not being used, I would gasp at the reflection it showed me. This stranger I’d never met.
I never got used to it. I’m not used to it now, even though the deformity is gone, the weight I’ve never carried before is there. But my heart never changed. My attitude never changed. My love never changed.
I know who I am. But if I’m being honest, no amount of knowing myself helped me accept myself. It’s a weird battle.