I remember the first time I sent off an article to my writing group to have them critique it.
Ouch.
It came back with three different people’s remarks, criticisms and suggestions: the equivalent of your 11th grade term paper coming back with the RED PEN of not just one but three teachers.
After a deep breath and a little growing-up in the space of about 3 minutes I was able to disconnect the critique from ME as a person. They were helping me and not hurting me. These women loved me and sincerely wanted me to do better. So I took the criticism in and used it to work for me.
My article didn’t get published but it was a heck of a lot better than when I begun.
I have a theory.
[Or at least I've espoused a theory that my husband thought up and shared with me during a particularly rough time that I was having.]
The more authentic/raw/real/open I am on this blog the more people feel comfortable with being able to be real with me.
Most of the time that is great. I get both wonderful and heartbreaking emails from women and they are sharing their stories with ME! WITH ME! I am honored and humbled by the raw honesty of so many of you. I wonder why you trust me with your hearts.
But sometimes the whole Raw Theory translates into people feeling absolutely comfortable with trashing me.
- Emails attacking my grammar.
- Comments about how a particular post of mine was far too shallow.
- Or even the reader comment about how my “Real Me” video wasn’t real enough because I was wearing makeup and my hair looked brushed.*
[I'm here to say that the real me wears makeup. I just do.]
In all honestly I’ve never deleted a comment. I return all emails**
But sometimes people are just abusive.
They attack my character, my motives, my mothering and even question my relationship with God. All from what they read on my blog.
There is nothing loving about that. Or helpful.
I’m aware that being raw and honest opens me up to a great deal of criticism. But to me it’s worth it because by being so open I get to share in all of your beautiful stories.
Your email about your marriage being restored makes me thankful that I’ve said what I’ve said. And that I’ve been as open as I’ve been. Your Facebook message telling me how you stumbled across my blog makes me smile. Your encouraging words always, always help to heal me.
But please know that I am a flesh and blood woman and bad emails make me cry.
I’m going to suggest something.
Let’s use kind words. Helpful words. Words that heal.
Let’s try not to cast legalistic or judging glances at others.
If we need to criticize, let it be within a loving context where it is welcomed (my article), needed and/or asked for. And let’s make sure that we have the RELATIONSHIP to back up the “helpful” words.
Criticism in the right context is good and part of our growth. It makes me write better articles. It makes me be a better friend.
But in the wrong place or with the wrong motive, that kind of criticism is hurtful and abusive.
What do you think? Has criticism helped or hindered you in the past? Has it been used in the wrong way?
* Said comment was originally tagged as spam so I just left it there nestled between comments in the Czech language and ones trying to get me to buy Viagra.
** I’m running about two weeks behind on emails. If you’ve sent me a direct email previous to two weeks ago and I have not returned it, please resend. I’m not perfect. It was not intentional, I promise. I’m sure I read it and thought I returned it but I neglected to. I’d love it if you would resend it to me.
As a guy who came to read this from Chad’s tweet, I can say that I think you’ve probably established a good enough rapport with your readers, that if you were to moderate your comments and remove the hurtful/unhelpful ones, no one would mind. In fact protecting your readers builds trust and tears down barriers to communication. Good blogger to readers relationships allow for that trust and the community reaps the rewards. Readers learn to trust the blogger to keep the community safe and welcoming, all the while protecting readers from the folks who cowardly capitalize on the anonymity and arms distance opportunities of the web/email.
Seems like you have that trust from your loyal readers. Don’t be afraid to moderate. If the trust is there, it won’t keep the productive people away from commenting. Just like you wouldn’t let a belligerent misogynist (be they male or female) into your girls night out, don’t let them negatively impact your blog.
Feel free to moderate this comment too, since I think I’m the only guy besides Chad who has commented.
I am encouraged by your story and by the conversations I’ve observed here. Keep it up.
Brenden – Yeah. I agree that there needs to be some level of “protection” here in a blog regarding commenters. It is a community and there should be a level of safety with which we share.
When someone directly attacks another commenter (like above) I almost always try to intervene, try to balance and try to make sure that they feel defended.
But it is an intentional thing that I don’t moderate.
I think, that to maintain the integrity of the blog/community, I should leave the bad comments up, especially if they are directed at me.
But that’s just my opinion.
Thank you for the permission to moderate. =) I appreciate it more than you know. I think, for now, I’ll keep it as it is.
Now, here’s something: i’ve never deleted comments but I HAVE blocked an IP address. Someone just would not stop attacking me — did in three consecutive comments on the same post. I left them up but blocked the IP address. I think that is fair.
Sarah,
Hurting people hurt. I love the verse in Proverbs (maybe it’s in Psalms, not exactly sure) that talks about how “out of the abundance of our hearts we speak”. What people write or say, or more importantly how they say things and write things are probably an accurate portrayal of what’s going on in their heart. Chances are that 99% of the negative things people are writing about you or directed at you, deep down at their core have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with issues the other person has or hurts they are dealing with and you, unfortunately, have been the receipient of their hurt. Unfair? Yes. But it also provides you with an excellent opportunity to be a vessel of God’s love and to extend grace and kindness to someone who doesn’t really deserve it.
BTW… I love reading your blog. I love the words you write and the grace and kindness that shines through in the stories you tell.
Take care,
Julie
I’m a pretty sensitive person – it’s the pleaser in me. And yes, bad emails make me cry too. I’m thankful I’ve gotten so little of them. But I also know that when we are on the right track and truly making an impact – Satan is going to try to stop us – anyway he can. Even if it’s through unkind words in an email to hinder us from speaking up and out.
Keep it up Sarah. You have a great blog and are ministering to many women who need to hear what you have to say.
I really like Branden’s thoughtful comment.
Yay for guy commenters!
That said, I’ve never received anywhere close to the number of flaming comments you have, but when I do I really struggle with whether to moderate or not. I believe in free speech, but I also believe in civility. I’ve erred on the side of not moderating, but if the flames whip up into a forest fire, I think I will disinvite those people to my party (it’s MY blog, thus MY party) and hire a bouncer!
Sarah,
I would cry too. I do cry, a lot. People can be so very cruel. You know, right now I am crying over the lack of response. I think I would rather have a nasty e-mail than to just be ignored, but I don’t know why. I am so sorry that you have been hurt. Please know, that for me, you blog is a place that ALWAYS seems to hit the nail right on the head for me every day. It’s as if God had put you and your blog here just for me to read every day! So, I say, thank you for being you, for being real…
Hi Sarah,
I love reading your blog. Your words inspire, convict or provoke thoughts about my Creator and I think it’s because you have love, love from the Father you freely share with us. Not everyone has the same grace.
To answer your question, criticism has helped me when it was doled out in love. I have made significant (positive) changes after some loving criticism from my husband. However there have been times when someone criticized without the love and I either crumbled into tears or reacted with anger. I hope to grow to the point where I can be a little more secure in who I am, so even if someone is hurtful, I can graciously move past it. I like the example you are putting forth by calling out (in love) those who are hurtful and negative.
Love-Oly
PS- The whole make-up thing is ridiculous to me. Who is anyone to say someone isn’t being real because they have make-up on? It’s like they feel they are owed something from you, weird…
Sarah, you could Red Pen me any day!!! I would welcome it
Sweet precious Sarah!
I so love you & you are absolutely gorgeous! Jesus loves us beyond (our incorrectly spelled or wrong punctuation) words & it’s so incredibly sad that other “believers” choose such hurting words!
It’s impossible not to be affected by such stupidity, but I say remember all the good e-mails & messages that you get & remember how much we true believers of Jesus love you!!
You are amazing & personally, I love to read your blogs!! Keep up the good work!! They are always so inspiring to me!! You do change lives with your words!
*cher*
Thank you Cher. =)
I am quite surprised as to all of the meanness from women to other women on their blogs. Sarah, yours is not the first post I’ve seen regarding public criticism on a blog. I agree that sometimes there is a valid point to what someone says but they just don’t have tact about what they are saying. However, I think that it also can be downright off base. I think if you disagree with what someone says in a post, ok fine. Give your opinion and discuss it BUT don’t bring up that person’s family members, parenting skills, or attack them personally. As a blogger myself, I DO put myself out there somewhat but not so that I can be put down or told I’m a bad person but so that I can share my story, my walk with God, to encourage other believers and non-believers alike. I think some discernment should be used be those who post comments before hitting the ’send’ button.
I got an email this morning from someone saying they didn’t like my blog. That it was too personal (I recently admitted to being a recovering alcoholic…) and she would no longer be reading it.
This person is a friend “in real life” I’m left boggled. Most of the comments/emails I’ve gotten from being raw and real have been so encouraging. Full of tips and support. I’ve been waiting for the harsh, for the criticism. And the email today wasn’t nearly as bad as it could be, but it stung. I don’t know.
I’m a firm believer in that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. Questions can always be put in a nice way, comments can always have a positive spin to them. I don’t see the reason for negativity. Keep it to yourself. It’s your choice to read something or not. *stepping off my little soap box…*
Thanks for posting this today Sarah
i agree, corinne. and i’m sorry your “friend” thought it was her responsibility to let you know what she thought.
sigh.
I actually disagree with the idea that people who are mean/snarky here are usually have their social appropriateness filters in place in real life. Often, they don’t. Remember that lady at the grocery store cussing out her 3 year old? Or the guy from the bank yelling at the teller because she followed protocol and put a hold on a deposit? Lets not even get into the freeway at rush hour!
People can be so mean. As believers, whose hope is in Jesus, we try to respond in love to all situations, to be the salt and light that Jesus commands (Matthew 5:13-16). Thank you, Sarah, for being that salt and light! I know it hurts. But your love for your Savior shines through your writing, and it is such an encouragement to read your courageous and loving responses to attacks on you, your character, and even your morning routine (although I can’t relate to that last one at all. Never been criticized for that before. Wow.)
i rarely find any help in criticism. And i find LOTS of help in reading your blog. So here’s to lots more of your writing and much fewer of those negative comments! Write on you amazing lady!!!!!
Sarah,
I just want to say that I am a mom with two kids and every morning at 5 am I wake up before every one else when the house is quiet and I eat breakfast in solitude, read my daily bible verse and then read your post. It is so uplifting to me! I love how honest and real you are and that you have such a close relationship with Christ. I did not grow up in a Christian home so I love to watch/see/listen to people who do because it helps me learn the way I want to be as a woman, a wife and a mother. So thank you for helping to show me a little piece of Christ’s love every morning.
You are so right! Nobody knows our heart except for God and sometimes our intentions or words get strained through the readers filter, and those readers do not have the ability to see or know our hearts. You are doing a great job!!! And the only One that counts knows the true and eternal intentions of your heart.
As one who was in the public eye as an op-ed contributer to a major newspaper for many years, readers tend to think they know you. Sadly, not everyone is kind. I’ve received my share of hate mail, and although it stung, I knew that it came with the territory.
Keep your head up, and realize that those who attack the hardest are generally those who dislike themselves the most.
Blessings to you and yours,
Gayle
I agree with you. Glad you addressed this, I have read on a few blogs lately about this very thing going on. I get bummed out when I hear someone has said something hurtful to you, or a friend of yours through the blog-world.
Thank you for being SO open and raw and honest with your life. It truly is a blessing, and sometimes it does hurt. But know that I love reading your blog and all your questions you have for people.
You my friend, are a lot of what I look for in people.
Raw.
Honest.
Keep doing what you do, because you are great at it!
) I see the Lord at work through your writing. 
)
oops, those are all supposed to be smiley faces
not mean ones!!!!
Sarah, I think you are amazing. Your honesty and candid conversation inspire me.
and to think i was worried what people would think about my unfaithfulness to my marriage!…..when all along i should have been concerned about what people thought about me because i wear make up and how that made me look in the eyes of others. i’m amazed.
sarah~keep taking risks and talking about the hard stuff
and keep wearing mascara, too.
you are glorifying Him….
that’s. what. matters.
the real me wears make up too, and washes her hair everyday (even at the f.o.t.) unless i can get away with a hat day. that’s who i am. your van was lived in. i liked it.
Sarah, the internet reminds us (starkly, at times) that words can be both divinely and demonically inspired. While we don’t have to treat people as enemies, their words can certainly spew through their wounds from our real enemy, and the Bible says we not only don’t have to listen to those words, but have NO BUSINESS listening to them.
The Bible describes Satan’s words as flaming arrows shot from a distance, often from a dark place. And beyond the wound of impact, they are designed to keep burning us afterwards. There is a word for anonymous critics in particular: snipers. Shooting from the shadows, they crouch shoulder to shoulder with the devil. I know that sounds sensationalistic, but it’s true. Some of the most dastardly words I’ve ever received have flown past my shield of faith on what were already the worst days of my life.
I moderate every single comment on my blog, because I, like the leadership Paul speaks of in I Corinthians 14, am moderating a gathering—and I am responsible for making sure that the “word” someone brings is indeed from God and beneficial for all to hear. I certainly do publish contrary opinions, but when they’ve been fashioned into deadly points and dipped in poison, I sentence them to cyber obscurity.
I have two theories on this:
1) Criticism is a great opportunity for God to humble me. Even (especially?) unjust criticism helps me remember that I’m not all that I think I am (as a prof that gets student evaluations, I get this reminder every semester.)
2) A lot of time truly unjust criticism says much more about the person who writes the hurtful words than it ever does about the person they barrage with them. It often becomes a very practical way for me to “pray for my enemies.”
Keep your head up!
Girl, I know what you mean. I’m a pastor’s wife … literally had a phone call from someone who said, HER EXACT WORDS, “The Lord told me to apologize to you. I have hated you for a long time. In fact, I hated you so much that I refused to bring my family to the church because you were on stage and I couldn’t stand to see you. It’s been over a year now. I had never had a conversation with you and have no idea why I felt that way. But I wanted you to know.”
Me … stunned silence, and then, “Um, I’m glad you decided to come back to church.”
Wow … and now that she’s said that (which I have my own sincere doubts the Lord led her to say), she wants to go to lunch, chit chat, etc.
All that to say, yeah, I get you. Wish I COULD moderate the comments in real life!!
Hugs, girl, and much respect for you and how you handle the criticism.
Amen Sister!! I can’t even begin to tell you how much you are right and how people need to be kind with their words and build others up. Your blog has been such an encouragement to me in every walk of my life, especially my spiritual life. We are all human and we all screw up (I’ve had no problems with your blog…I love that you’re “real”)…sometimes people forget that about themselves! I’m praying for you today and thanking you for blessing me when you don’t even know me!
I don’t wear makeup…
But I’m not bitter
liar
That hurts Scott. And I want my lip gloss back.
Sarah, I just want you to know there are so many more of us out here in cyberspace who love and appreciate your openness and honesty and that God is using you in mighty ways. That is precisely why there are those who criticize. I wonder if it may be that you have hit a raw nerve and the Spirit is trying to speak to them. However, if we’re not ready to change,it is much easier to attack. It is wrong of course, and as followers of Jesus, everything we do should be done in love. I have not been following you for long but I love your writings and it is your ‘realness’ that pulls me in. A year ago however, I may not have responded this way. Until you understand how being open frees you, it is hard to know how to respond to it.
I just wrote today on my site about how the Bible tells us to wear kindness and loyalty like a necklace (Proverbs). I like that visual – if we wear it around our neck, it makes it harder to forget what God desires of us. Why is it so hard for us Christians to be kind to one another?
sarah, i love your blog. i love your heart. your transparency & honesty have truly inspired me to get out of my comfort zone & share my life with others. thank you for sharing your gift of writing in this way. you have blessed my life.
i recently saw this quote on a blog… “be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle”. it is a choice to be kind, to love. with God’s help may we desire/care enough to discover the battle that others are fighting & fight with them on our knees.
Sarah,
This may be trite & simple, but what I keep coming back to lately is a little quote by Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
Keep on keepin’ on….
Sarah, I am sorry that people have taken advantage of your openness. It is very painful to deal with hurtful comments. I remember when this happened to me over a year ago. It came from family on my husband’s side, which seemed to make it worse. I wrote about our wedding day. I shared that you didn’t have to have a marvelous day to have a lasting marriage. They chose to just focus on a few small events that I wrote about. I received emails from people shocked by their actions. I had to choose to focus on those that supported me and move forward. For about six months I wondered if I could be as transparent as I was prior to what happened. I did. But it took it’s toll on my confidence as a blogger/writer.
I am not sure why people can’t share their perspective in a constructive way, but we have to give it to the Lord and move forward.
I enjoy your blog and I feel you have a very pertinent message. Blessings to you and your family.
[...] talking about the reality of criticism. Although I can’t believe this turned into a controversy about [...]
Take it with a grain of salt. You have much to give. There will always be someone trying to rain on your parade. Sometimes we don’t want to hear what others say but the truth can hurt. Just reflect, see if there is truth and if so take note, if not move along. You are a smart and amazing women, do not let it bring you down. You are stronger than that.
I’m loving these comments and the spirit in which they’ve been delivered. I think they capture very well what the posture of our hearts should be toward people whom Christ loves, no matter how mean-spirited they are toward us.
And of course, critique is often one of God’s special gifts—possibly one of the only ways we would be able to see faults that need changing.
Third, everyone is criticized and so many of your readers can relate, right?
But…
…there is something insidious that happens when we go public, when we enter the realm of ministry. It’s like a target gets painted on our backs and hurtful people come out of the woodwork to snipe us. Folks who don’t have this kind of public exposure cannot possibly understand what this is like, and often wonder why we can’t just shrug it off like they can their own critics.
I know how hard it is, sister, and I’m proud of the way you’re handling it.
I’ll never understand what makes people feel like they’ve got the right to reign cruel judgement over others. What happened to, “Judge not lest you be judged”? Jesus went to dinner with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he didn’t sit there berating them for thier mistakes, but rather acknowledging them but building them up. If Jesus, the only perfect man, didn’t feel the need to berate prostitutes and thieves, I don’t understand how imperfect people can sit there and demand perfection of people who are really total strangers.
I know how you must feel. My husband recently hired on a man who just started attending our church to work for him, and within a week the man had extensively critisized the music that was played on the jobsite (and my hubby gets teased for having the ‘lightest’ music on his site), my husband for saying a buddy’s new girlfriend was “pretty good looking”, and then this past weekend when he found out my husband’s brother, another coworker, was going out for his bachelor party, he called thier dad and said that if my brother in law got drunk at the party he would have to step up at the wedding and raise objection! This man is a stranger! And that’s just a few things. Christian or non-Christian, sometimes you hit a point where it’s just harassment! (plus this ‘christian’ man was fired from a few previous jobs in his actual trained field actually for harassment.)
Wolves in sheeps clothing will always be there to tear you down! Just recognize that some people will never be happy unless they’re unhappy, and shut them down. Delete it without reading the whole thing (or don’t answer the phone, in my hubby’s case)
I know a little of how you must feel. I work as a classroom supervisor at a Christian school and–even though we’re all like-minded in the big things–no one (NO ONE!) thinks I do my job exactly right, hahaha. I should be more strict; I am too strict. I should help them more; I’m helping them too much. You get the idea. It was making me crazy trying to please everyone yet never achieving that goal. So, (and I know you know this) I just have to ask for guidance from our Teacher, and try my best to please Him.
A couple of years ago, I realized one of the scariest things for me was when my friends, family, and acquaintances expected “perfection” from me. So I decided I would stop expecting “perfection” from others. It has been so freeing, and allowed me to be closer to others, ’cause they let down their guard more! Imagine!
Your openness and honesty has left me breathless, and I know God led me to your site at a crucial crossroads for me. You have been a blessing to me MANY times these past months so…. Don’t sweat it!
I want to thank this community for leaving such encouraging comments. thank you.
and when i struggled through writing this post on monday night, i had no idea it would resonate with so many people.
outside of my “story” posts, a few giveaway posts and 2 “can I pray for you posts” this has been the most commented-on post of mine.
I can only assume that it means that this either outrages you or you’ve been here yourself. so thank you, all of you who commented, for being a bold and outspoken part of this community.
Sarah,
Thank you so much for creating and pouring your heart into this blog. It’s like a ray of sunshine on my day and I appreciate your honesty. Your godly input has helped my walk with Christ and I want to encourage you to keep it up!! Thank you & God bless!
Mean people suck. (can I say suck here?)
This is one reason I am timid about blogging much.
I’m sorry you cried, but thankful God gave us tears to wash away the bad.
Sarah, I think one of the reasons this particular blog post got so many comments is because one of the main things everyone loves about your writing is your honesty and authenticity and when other people are attacking that very thing, the rest of us don’t want you to change that!!
I was in a counseling appointment yesterday and my counselor was talking about the concept of authenticity and how it is so crucial to healing and growth. I recommended your blog to her – authenticity is the perfect word to describe this blog and it is exactly what the Christian community needs! You have taught me and blessed me so much by your example.
Sarah,
I think that you are amazing, inspiring, and I LOVE your raw honesty. I think if we all remembered we are just loser sinners, then there would be less criticism and judgement. I don’t find criticism to be very helpful in my life, but if a friend that I respect talks to me out of love, that is different. I don’t mind if someone calls me out on something I’m doing wrong, but only if it is done with love and from someone who I feel like really knows my heart.
You are the type of writer that I aspire to be like. Please don’t stop being a writer of TRUTH and RAWNESS…it is what brings me back day after day for my little bit of “me” time.
You are a blessing my sister in Christ and God looks upon you and smiles! Do not be discouraged about any negative comments. There are sisters here who love you just as you are.
Your encouraging sister in Christ,
Sarah A.
If only more than 97 people would read this..