Wednesday I guest posted at RefineUs.org about the one thing I wished I knew before I got married: Life doesn’t get any easier once you get married. Today is part two in my thoughts on the same subject.
Before we got married, I wish I would have known that my husband shedding his workday at six pm each evening would mean that he’d leave his dirty clothes in a single stiff pile on the floor near his dresser.
Every night.
Even if I beg, plead, ask, motivate. The clothes are still there: socks hidden by the rumple of jeans or slacks in an upward stack on the carpet.
As if a naked Rapture had happened sweeping Chad up to God’s glory but leaving his clothes.
But that isn’t a deal breaker.
I wish I knew that he would have trouble throwing away his trash, remembering to take his plate to the sink after dinner and that he would continuously forget to change the goldfish water.
But then I’m sure he wishes he would have known that I would take over both sinks in our bathroom, that my makeup would always be cluttered, and that I would be prone to wander.
Prone to wander.
I’m sure he wishes he would have known that.
That I was going to cheat.
But even that, as I’m sitting across from him right now and wondering out loud, that wouldn’t have been a deal breaker. He would have still married me.
(You can even ask him)
Wow.
Would it be a deal breaker to you?
To know your spouse would sin, cause you grief, drag you through months of pain? Would that make you choose differently? What if you had miraculous pre-nuptial knowledge that your husband or wife was going to hurt you so deeply and break their vows?
What if Christ had known how much we would hurt Him before He went to the cross?
Oh, but I think He did.
He knew we would murder, we would hate and rape and betray. He had full omniscient knowledge that we would cheat on Him with each other, with the world. He knew we would treat Him like dirt and pretend we didn’t belong to Him.
Yet He came.
And He loved. And died. And He sacrificed all for us.
You see, we all sin. We are all broken and we all wound one another, especially our spouses. Some of us wound big and openly (like me) and some of us wound in silent, inside ways. We begin to experience grace when we can recognize the deep brokenness of even the best of us and our need for healing.
In the few days after my confession six years ago a trusted, godly man told Chad to divorce me. That God said it was okay.
I’m so glad he didn’t listen. Chad is so glad he didn’t listen.
Because if he would have, in knee-jerk reacting, we wouldn’t have allowed God the open space in our hearts and lives to work a miracle.
Is adultery a deal-breaker?
Ask Jesus. It wasn’t a deal breaker to Him in his love story with His bride, the church.
What do you think?
[**DISCLAIMING that if a potential spouse is showing signs of pornography, abusive behavior or infidelity...RED FLAG!! This post is merely speaking to the sin that we all commit as humans, as people living in community with one another, and with US, things that happened AFTER we'd been married. God has the ability (and gets joy from ) mending broken relationships, even ones that have been almost ruined by betrayal. This is not practical advice for people wondering if they should marry someone who has betrayed them, it's simply a spiritual realization that what my HUSBAND did was the same thing CHRIST has done for us.]
Sarah: Excellent post! Thank you! All I know to do is send love and encouragement to any couple! It’s ‘n-grained in my soul! I think labeling him or her as an adulterous when we don’t know the details is not fair. No condemnation or judgment. Your blog is such a blessing to me!
Unlike some believe, there is no unforgivable sin other than blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I am so glad Christ chose to die in my place and take my punishment for the sins I have committed.
Some believe divorce is a deal-breaker in service to the Lord. My heart breaks for those in churches who are victims of divorce and are not allowed to serve the Lord in any leadership capacity. That has always puzzled me. Thanks for posting this.
Thanks for posting Sarah! This really touched my heart.
Bless you and Chad for allowing God to work in you and through you! Much love and prayers sent your way.
Powerful post today! Thank you!
Awesome as always! I was on the flip side. I was the wife who was betrayed several times over. I always forgave after weeping bitter tears. In the end, he chose to leave when I gave an ultimatum. It took time but my heart slowly healed. I still bear the scars and it hasn’t been easy not carrying the past over into my present. I am more prone to making a big deal out of the smaller issues. Thanks for the reminder girl!
If I had known my ex-husband would have affairs, I would have still married him. I stayed with him through the first several. If I had known he would have abused me, I wouldn’t have married him even though I didn’t know what I know now: that abusing a wife almost always translates into abusing your chidren. If I had known he would abuse our children, I would have run the other direction so fast I could not see the path back. In fact, as soon as I found out he had, I did.
Looking at the God side, lets just say I am glad I am not God. I would not have given me so many chances. Knowing who I am today, even after 20 years of knowing Jesus, I would not have been wiling to give what it took for me to have salvation. I am glad God is much more merciful and forgiving than I am.
Beautifully written. Stumbled.
This is a beautiful post, Sarah. Well done!
I love what Tricia above wrote….and Tricia, your post shows just how loving, forgiving, and merciful you are…you are living proof of that to your children!
beautifully said…hard thots to think on…harder to live out…but totally worth it!
love,
dad
Your blog always touches my heart! My marriage has survived an afair and this year we will be married 24 years. God is awesome!
Sarah
I have recently found your blog, love the honesty. That’s what keeps me coming back.
Blessings,
Cyndi
I’ve always told my husband that if he cheated I didn’t think I could stay with him or forgive him. That was before…not before he cheated (he hasn’t) but before I started hearing stories like yours. Stories where God has redeemed the relationship and restored what once was broken. The reason I had said that in the past was because I didn’t know if I would be able to move on from that type of betrayal…I know myself and I hold grudges. Also, I was insecure in our marriage and scared that he would someday want to cheat on me; I was hoping to head him off at the pass. But God has been working on me and He’s showing me that love is, before all else, a commitment.
This post is yet another reminder that God has forgiven me of so much and that there is never anything that someone can do to me that I shouldn’t forgive them of. I love my husband and I have committed to stick with him through thick and thin.
BTW, because this is words on a screen and not a face-to-face conversation, can I just say that I admire you and your husband and the courage you have to share this story. I think that instead of it being a chink in your armor it is a testimony of how much God has done in your marriage and your lives. The fact that you are able to talk about it openly and help so many people who are privately struggling with it is so admirable. I hope that someday I have the courage to be able to share with your honesty the things that God has brought my husband and I through in our marriage.
I agree with you. If a single lady KNOWS the guy has problems with immorality (and p*rn IS infidelity) then do NOT marry him. Get away!
I have seen too many people ignore those red flags and marry into abusive relationships.
When it rises up within a relationship that is already joined in matrimony, get help. Fast and pray, God CAN do a miracle. But why walk into a bad situation expecting one? Wisdom tells us to avoid the unequal yoke. It puts us in bondage.
Bravo to you for being transparent with your testimony. ((Hugs))
Oh.
Tears.
If I want to avoid them I should just stop clicking on your blog link – shouldn’t I?
Thanks again for sharing this. Even though our story is flip-flopped, it is humbling to imagine the betrayal we swing at Christ all the time.
And He knew.
He knew, He knew, He knew.
And yet, He still forgave us. He still died for us.
Who do I think I am – to not attempt to forgive as well?
Who do I think I am – to think I have sinned any less against God than my husband has?
Oh, beautiful grace – how I love you!
lacey~ i agree~grace is beautiful. i love it, too : )
I just spent an hour reading your blog and previous posts. wow! what a great lady you seem to be. Thank you for your insight and for sharing the wisdom your experiences have given you.
LOVE IT! You speak truth from the heart! It’s a good reminder to all of us what Christ has done and forgiven AND that we need to extend that same forgiveness to our spouses, ourselves and others.
I love your analogy of what Christ did for His church – knowing that we would betray Him time and time again. I don’t know yet if I would have married my husband if I knew he would have an affair (he didn’t – I’m just thinking hypothetically). I know that I would stand by him (through God’s grace) and seek God’s healing if he did but I can’t honestly say yet that I would have married him if I knew hypothetically that he would stray in the future.
When I think of the situation in those terms, it intensifies how God’s love is so amazing – that He WAS willing.
Thanks for such great insight today, Sarah!
Sheesh…you are bringing it this week.
Beautiful.
Oh goodness… I had to catch my breath. Beautiful, just beautiful.
Is adultery a deal-breaker? For me, it hasn’t been. Neither has her choice to continue pursuing the other man, nor her choice to divorce me. There is too much at stake – 20 years together, three kids, her salvation. Whatever the cost is to me – singleness, loneliness, celibacy, my pride, obedience – its not too great in light of the possible blessing of a second chance. To many it makes no sense. Sometimes it makes no sense to me, but it is what God has laid upon my heart. His ways are higher than our ways.
Its too bad that the prevailing perspective on marriage in our culture is that it is a deal or a contract – “I’ll remain as long as you do xyz” or “I’ll show you love as long as you show it in return.” With marriage we’ve entered into a covenant where love should be unconditional.
Rainer,
I wish I could get in touch with you to tell you how much your response has meant to me. My husband and I both read your response and it has have moved us tremendously.
Maria
Maria – I assumed that the reply to Nikkie below was yours as well. I sent you an email. If that wasn’t you, I can be contacted at rainer.seitz@hotmail.com
Peace
Hi Rainer,
Yes, same Maria. I will contact you from home tonight as I cannot access my Yahoo from work.
Thank you,
Maria
when we were 20 yrs old and newly married i told myself~more than once~ that the only ‘deal breaker’ we would have would be if he cheated. there was NO WAY we could stay married after such an insult.
15 years later, i was the unfaithful one. still hard to speak those words. unfaithful.
But, God.
i’m glad it wasn’t a deal breaker.
Nikkie – Your post took my breath away. I always said that was a deal breaker for me “if he cheated” and I’m the one that has been unfaithful. I am now dealing with all those consequences but I have an amazing husband. I know with God, we will see this through.
maria~i love how God remains faithful to us even when…
the consequences are difficult to deal with at times, AND HE remains faithful.
HE remains faithful.
Nikki,
I keep repeating that to myself as the last couple days have been horrendous. He does remain faitful. Very much so.
Do you mind emailing me so we can get in touch? I’d like to email with you as I need to “talk” to someone who’s been there. My email is terps1026@yahoo.com
Maria
I am so thankful for your writing. It truly blesses me.
Wow! Beautiful post. I am so thankful Jesus knew what was coming and chose to love me anyway.
Sarah – what a beautiful post. You know how true this all rings for me at the present time.
whoooo. this is giving me the chills. you are such a great writer — the Message you share on your blog is so powerful.
thank you for sharing… one thing I am learning and learning on a road I never planned is that there is not a plan “b” in marriage… I said I do and I meant it. My husband has severe depression and it didn’t come out till he was in a safe marriage. He came from a woman who left him for another man and eventually married. mike was broken but I didn’t know how bad till a few yrs into the marriage, now many many hospializations I have post traumatic stress from his depression… but Sarah Jesus knew and still died…. God is still good even when there are no more tears for me to cry. This is a tough lesson, we all have to walk a road we didn’t plan, but in it. We see the heart of the Father and his arms… thanks for sharing. You remind me that God is right near me. Also this summer my pastor had an affair, they were very close to me, it hurt way more than I imagined. I love them both so much. Its amazing to come to your blog and to hear that yes your hubby would still marry you, my friend Julee would still marry my pastor, knowing all she does now….. hurts and wounds and all…. What would we do without mercy and grace? thanks for letting me share
I love this post, Sarah. I love the parallel. Beautiful.