She was just born, I think.
I’m turning around and her little legs are too long for her dresses, her face too grown up for her nose and her eyes too knowing. She’s not a baby, and she wasn’t “just born”.
She’s four.
And it kills me.
Every day since Christmas she’s woken up asking me,
“Mama, am I four yet?”
“Not yet, honey. Not until February.”
Her face falls, she hangs her little blonde head in over-done dramatics and sulks away to her room. She rifles through a box of dress up shoes, finds a pair she likes and looks for her necklace.
Somehow “three” sounds too young, too much of a baby’s age. “Because I’m NOT a baby, Mama!” she says with a tiny hint of defiance whenever I have to utter four the words all children around the world hate:
You aren’t old enough.
She isn’t old enough. Even after she’s crested the hill of her fourth birthday. She still is just a little girl, with four-year-old fingers still learning how to hold a pair of scissors, a four-year-old mind that is absorbing letters and word blends to read someday, and a four-year-old heart which still loves without reserve.
She’ll never be old enough.
When she’s eight she’ll want to be doing what her twelve-year-old sister is doing. When she’s twelve she’ll want to drive a car. And when she’s finally old enough to drive a car (will I still be blogging then?) she’ll fall desperately in love with someone she shouldn’t.
She won’t be old enough. Even then.
And neither am I.
I feel that I’m not old enough to be given the huge task of raising two little girls. I think in a moment of distinct self-awareness, Am I really a mom? Children look up to ME? And then almost as quickly as the thought comes it flees and I realize that I AM old enough, but only if I use the wisdom and grace that God has given me to complete my tasks.
Am I old enough to write a book?
Am I old enough to speak to groups of women?
Am I old enough to be given the delicate heart of my husband, to love him and be his partner for life?
Not really.
But I am as soon as I begin to rely on the One who bestows wisdom, humility and grace. When I forget to do that I’m a four-year-old again in dress up shoes with a pouty look on my face.
Is my newly birthday-ed daughter old enough? For four-year-old things yes: a bike with training wheels, a bubble bath, a playdate with a friend.
But for the rest of it she’ll have to wait until she’s older.
Lord, grant me the wisdom and grace to act my age today.
What about you? Do you act your age?
Well at 45 I am sure there are many days I don’t act my age..some people still think I”m in my 30s…God bless them all…wish it was my youthful looks but I think it is because I have a 5 year old, and a 14 year old and a 17 year old. Someday I hope I can be like my Great Grandma Ruth, my Grandma Edith and my mother Charlotte. They were all wise beyond their years, but never lost their childlike faith and zest for life. Thanks for sharing Sarah….I look forward to your blogs every day…you are an encourager to women of all ages.
I try really hard not too. :~) In the spiritual sense, I am sure that I don’t although I really want too. I really want to be the wise woman that the Bible speaks of – God is still working on me. Although, I want to have the faith of a child always.
i always thought by my age i’d be married with kids…but i’m still single. i’ve been redefining age lately, trying to keep in mind that as long as i’m exactly where God wants me i’m not “behind” even if all my friends are getting married and having babies.
me too. right there with you, letting God show me where He wants me rather than get distracted by what’s going on with those my same age.
I am about to lead a weekend retreat/getaway with 3 girlfriends to do Kay Arthur’s “Back To The Garden” study. And I don’t feel old enough. Is 38 old enough to lead?
Old enough to teach a 1 & 3 year old about our great big God?
Old enough to be a lover to my husband?
By grace alone.
Thanks for these words today, Sarah.
I think that our actual physical age once we’re “grown-up” is relative. I’m 27 and am married with 4 munchkins ages 8, 5, almost 3, and 14 mos….so, when I was 21 I couldn’t really act my age, well at least the way society thinks a 21 should act. I always found more in common with friends that were older than I, because they could identify with being married and having small children and all that entails. Plus, I’ve always enjoyed the wisdom that comes from having “older” friends, even if they’re only older in the spiritual sense. I think that’s what really important after you’re an adult is your spiritual “age”, and how you’re allowing God to work and extend grace in your life and use you to reach others for him. Every one is always so worried about the outward signs of physical aging, but seem to forget the benefits of growing in Christ and all he does and the wisdom that comes from it. One of my friends told me the other day that they wouldn’t want to be a newly wed again….I said yeah, the feeling is nice, but I don’t think I’d want to go through everything again that my hubby and I have had to go through to get to where we are now. When you allow God to work the your trials and get rid of your “lizards” (c.s. lewis, the great divorce) it’s painful, but you come out so much better for it on the other side. Anyways, I’ve rambled when I really didn’t mean to, but maybe G had something he wanted to share with someone else through me…..Awesome thoughts Sarah.
LOL–I guess not, since my first response was, “Do I have to?”
My son just turned eight. I keep telling him he’s my baby, but he pushes through that and tells me he’s almost a teenager. I told him we’re just going to enjoy 8 for a time, enjoy today, this day. He’s so ready to grow up, and I’m not so ready to throw my arms open and release him to the world. But you remind me that I’m not releasing him out into the wilds of the world, but into the great wide open of God’s arms.
And that’s comforting.
Thanks, sweetie, for another good read today.
Hi Sarah,
Spiritually I do not act my age, I STILL want to do things my own way, in my own strength. I have been saved since I was 12, I am now 35, WHEN will I learn?
My word for 2010 is GROWTH. It’s not a resolution, just something to make spiritual growth more purposeful for me.
Love-Oly
I would love for you to write a book. That would be so fantastic! I’d love to read it and think, “I’ve met this Sarah…”
To answer your question, I’m not sure I act my age. I don’t think I have much time to know if I act my age. But if I take a minute now to reflect, I think I don’t act my age. I think I act older.
xo.
i struggle with this one…i don’t want to act old…but i don’t want to act young either…
Sarah -
You are gifted. This piece is a treasure – thank you for sharing it with us.
And more importantly, thank you for continuing to share yourself with us.
Great question for me this morning.. Do I act my age? I’m 44 and have an 18 year old son and two 16 year old daughters. When I take a moment to think about my life and where I am with Him, I can definitely say I act my age.
At the same time, I always want to be an encouragement to others and face life with joy. He’s given me so much and I honestly just want to share it with others. In doing that, sometimes I don’t filter well which causes me to not act my age. I don’t necessarily know if that is considered child like faith or just immaturity. I’d love to be the wise and amazing Proverbs 31 woman.
Wonderful thoughts and questions.. thanks for your heart.
PS. Write the book. I’ll buy it.
Sometimes I look at my children and wonder how it is I have children ~wasn’t I their age just a short time ago? Wasn’t I just a teenager and newly married girl, excited about the future? The future is now here and it needs food and help with school work and it’s shoe laces tied.
My prayer is very often asking for those very things…wisdom and grace.
Some days I act my age and others not so much:)There are days I’ve got it together as a mother and wife and others where it’s a struggle. Those are the ones (if I’m wise) I fall to my knees asking for help from above, or at least for my husband to come home early.
I’m turning 30 in April and I’m so excited. I am hoping that once I’m out of my 20s I’ll start to feel like a grown up. I’ve been married for 9 years, have 3.5 children, have owned a home and pastored college ministries…but I still so frequently feel like a scared, lost little girl. I want my mommy when I’m sick, I want my teachers (whoever they are now) to guide me and help me with the answers and I just want my friends to invite me to their house to play.
My daughter will be 4 in June and she’s already telling me that she’s going to be a grown up soon. She wants so badly to have her own say, make her own choices and do all the things grown ups do (makeup, drive, marriage).
How is it that when we’re children we can’t wait to grow up and when we’re adults we feel like we’re still kids?
Yes, but don’t forget; being childish and being childlike are two different things.
One is a maturity issue, the other is the way of wonder.
My mama’s birthday is today. She is 63. She has never acted her age which I think is a good thing. She doesn’t look her age either. I hope to emulate her. She is wise beyond her years yet fun to be around. I know that’s not where you were headed, but birthdays and age made me think of it in that manner.
Sigh. You touched my mommy heart with this one.
Act my age? No way. What fun is that?
I’m glad I’m not the only one dealing with this. I always thought that once I graduated from college I would feel a certain way, act a certain way etc. and I think I expected something of everyone else. I have come to learn that age really has nothing to do with it. haha. Sometimes I feel old, sometimes I feel young. Now I am hoping to be open to new things like a young girl but deal with things in life with the confidence and grace of an old soul. Still working on it
Thanks for this post!
I don’t really even know how old I am! I know what the calendar (and my mom) says, but every day I think to myself – “is this how 45 feels?” I always thought there’d be a “moment” when I knew I was a grown-up…haven’t had it yet. I work with middle-schoolers as a substitute teacher and I work with middle-schoolers as a Wyld Life leader (Wyld Life is Young Life for midschool). I can admit that I am very immature when it comes to certain things (I don’t think I’ll ever be the Proverbs woman), and that I still feel like I’m about 25. But when I look back on my life I do know that I have matured, I’ve gained wisdom, and I’ve come so far with my faith and relationship with my Father. Sarah you always manage to touch my heart and make me think (which is something I try not to do :O)
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I just turned 40 over the weekend. WHAT? I can’t be that “old.” Its bizarre because I truly believe I’m still 30ish. But, I’m clearly not. I can be the biggest immature goofball on this planet, but I can also be one of the wisest women I know. Hope you understand what I’m saying. The sweet Lord has taken me from a pit and stood me on His solid ground and I’m grateful for all that He has taught me and continues to teach me.
again…so thot-full…
you know me…i hardly ever act my age…even when i’m crabby…
after all, i think that crabby is crabby…and…old is old…they’re not necessarily the same thing…
our Lord, Who is older than us all…is never crabby…and is the “youngest” of us all…especially if He lives up to the apostle paul’s description of how love acts in 1 cor. 13…as in “love believes all things…doesn’t keep track of wrongs, etc.”…eh?
i have always felt that i am way too young to be this old…
you…do make me feel young…even as i see the amazing woman you have grown into being…our little girl!
in fact, i think that eternity will “young” us instead of “age” us…and we will “age well” in His Presence!
loving you…
dad
I keep forgetting how old I am. There are always so many things going on, things to attend to, things to plan for. Life.
Then I look in the mirror. Who is that? I remember that I am not as old outside as I am inside.