Sometimes I just want to go back to a night in 1991 or 1992 or 2002.
There have been days, evenings (surrounded by music or love that) thinking back, I had no idea THEN how amazing it was.
A wet, grassy field naming fireworks with friends.
The hardwood floors of our first house that creaked when I walked through the hall just so.
The Hollywood Bowl when I was pregnant with Hope wondering if she would be born loving James Taylor as much as I do.
A three-year-old working out ballet steps, face in determined concentration.
If I could go back, I’d unpack the carefully wrapped boxes of my kitchen and set up house there. I’d don an apron, grab a broom and settle in.
Sometimes I don’t want to leave the past.
But unfortunately time is one stubborn thing. Even more stubborn than me.
It is the one thing that God allows us absolutely no control over. We can choose just about everything but to live in or change the past.
And we can’t redo the last minute.
Or hour.
I can’t go back to the summer of 1984 when my nine-year-old shins were stained with boysenberries and I ran barefoot through the hen yards at my grandfather’s farm.
Or retake the walk we took in Paris in 2001 the same evening we flew in, the sun not setting until ten-thirty at night. I can’t go back. Even if I flew to France tomorrow I would be different. Chad would be different. The knowledge and experiences we share now has made us different.
I certainly can’t go back to the wide open mornings of a mother with a newborn when the most important decision staring me down was to nurse my daughter before or after the Today Show.
I can’t go back to the hotel room in Canada.
Or the car we borrowed to drive up the coast one winter.
I can’t watch my two-year-old jump in the autumn straw, while I translate her “monk-a” to mean “pumpkin”.
And I cannot go back to my first bad choice, the one that almost destroyed my husband.
I have no choice but to go forward in time. And that’s a little scary if you
stop.
Pay attention to that idea,
and let it sink in.
The three minutes you’ve spent reading this post, you will never get back. The sixty seconds I use to worry about being late to school, that is one minute squandered and wasted.
Not only can I not go back to set up camp on the River Past, I also should be careful of what I do with the minutes and hours that I have right now.
Right then.
Am I loving? Am I working? Am I resting? Am I helping? Am I using my talents and abilities or am I burying my cash in the ground, hoping it will double in value?
I know I can’t go back (and even though I say sometimes I do, I really don’t want to). But I can affect what I do today or tomorrow. I can make sure that I’m following hard after Christ, that I’m paying attention to my children with love and engagement, and that I’m working in my today for His Kingdom.
I can make sure of that.
How are you spending today? This hour? This minute? Do you have regrets?
Time is either a difficult beast to conquer or a sweet friend to aid. Taking hold of this present moment is a lesson only the wisest have learned. I’m not very wise…
I agree – time can be great or horrible.
thanks for your comment. i always love it when you comment.
No regrets. Always forward. I’m a ‘be thankful for the moment’ kind of girl. Not in a hurry to grow up or move on to the next thing. Always aware that time is continually moving on with or without me being present in it. I don’t use the phrase ‘time flies’ because it is more about my priorities than my time. My life has never been easy or perfect, but I’ve resolved to never look back and to be thankful for where I am.
I think one of the secrets to living a happy life is living in the present and making the most out of every moment that we have. God does not live in the past, God does not live in the future, God lives in the here and now- that is why it is called the present.
After reading what Ashleigh and Laurissa wrote, I really have nothing quite as beautiful or eloquent to say. After drying my eyes from reading your post, I realize that I squander away more of my day than I need or want to. I left my F/T job to stay home with my kids (8, 3 & 2yo). I’m still trying to get into a routine but I know I need to do better by my kids. Interact, engage and not let all the things that need to be done around the house interfere with our time together. There’s always their naptime to do those things. I have secluded early mornings before they wake up for my time with God. I can read my Bible, pray and drink my coffee. I thank you for reminding me that this is the only time I will ever get with my kids. I love your blog and though we’ve never met, I love you too. Sister In Christ, Amanda.
Love your writing, Sarah. I’m sick today, so I think I’ll load my schedule with snuggles w/my son and hubby. I think I’d have spend it a different way before reading this post, so thank you for sharing. Time to start making memories in the now moments–sick or not.
Love the post!! I had almost an identicial “conversation” with an old friend late last night with whom I haven’t spoken with in 15 years, talking about the exact same things. Love. Missed moments. Regrets. Growing up. Parenthood. The horror and beauty of it all as we look back on our lives. I think being intentional has everything to do with living without regrets and living in the moment. It ALL makes us who we are, so we need to be mindful of our decisions.
I wouldn’t change a thing either.
Hi Sarah,
This post is extraordinarily on point for me right now. I am so wrapped up in the past I am wasting the present, creating regret on top of regret. I am so focused on how people I love are making the choice to remain in a relationship with someone who violated me in a terrible way. HOW can they do that?! is replayed in my mind over and over, all the while my 2 beautiful girls are experiencing life, growing and changing and I am missing the full joy of being their mama.
I thank you for the encouragement and the reminder that I am His and no matter what has happened in the past, Jesus has given me a spectacular future and a pretty great present!
Love-Oly
Not only does time not go in reverse, it doesn’t go in fast forward either. I have those moments where I want to go back to a specific memory or event, but I also find myself wanting to speed things up and rush on to what’s next. Your post reminds me of the importance of savoring the now. One of my favorite parts of the story of Jesus’ birth was how Luke says, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Lk 2:19)
I too want to treasure up all the moments God’s giving me in my life and ponder them in my heart. Thanks for the reminder, Sarah!
Oh – just a perfect post for this day, this season of my life.
Thank you.
I am convinced (and growing more so every day) that God only wants us to be concerned with Right Now and Eternity.
That’s what we’re made for.
And I have to preach this to myself anew every morning.
And today – you were the preacher.
Thank you!
Almost 10 yrs worth. I’ve decided to get out of this marriage. Too much, time, health, beauty and happiness wasted on someone that didnt/doesn’t deserve it. Sure I could stay and continue living like a martyr but I choose NOT to; that’s my decision. God wont love me less for going or more for staying.
I’m sorry, Rebecca, that this has happened. thank you so much for sharing here. for being so open.
i really appreciate it.
Sarah, it’s like we are always on the same wavelength. Often I open up your post and you have written about something that has been on my mind within just a few days. I have been thinking about the past so much and about how it is gone and sometimes I just wish I could go back. I don’t need to explain it, because you wrote my feelings exactly in your post. I agree, time is stubborn and there is nothing we can do about it. Thank you. I am getting better and learning to live in the moment.
This reminds me of how we always look fondly back at things that in the present seemed mundane or worse. My family trips across country when I was a kid were torture at age 12 – being stuck in the car with mom and dad and annoying sisters. Yet, at 33 I would give anything for time alone with all of those people. Perspective. I suppose the same will be said soon enough for diaper changes and midnight walks back to bed for “re-tucking.”
Thanks for the insight
i know all about “re-tucking”. =)
I am spending my day doing all the things I do not want to do, but know that I will feel much better when they are done. Thanks for helping me to stay focus and enjoy the moment. We are not promised tomorrow.
hmmm…regrets? yes and no. i regret the dark place i allowed myself to go and the pain that ensued for everyone involved. never want to go back there. yet, in no way do i regret the amazing work of redemption that came from a God who is in the business of restoration. so i have regrets, but i’m thankful at the same time. bittersweet.
and my hair was way too big in 1991 to even consder going back there : ) but i get the picture! thanks sarah.
This made me think about the episode of ER where Dr Greene is trying to leave his daughter with some wise words. He told her: “Be generous. With your time. With your love. With your life”. It’s been 8 years since that episode and I don’t carry quotes with me, but this one has stuck.
In active addiction I did none of those things. All while my daughter was a teen. I was always “there”. I rarely missed a school event or sporting event. But, I was selfish. The generosity Dr Greene spoke of is all about selflessness. Time I can never get back.
I can argue endlessly with myself about regrets. I have them, but I wouldn’t be who I am without them. They are forever a part of me. But, I can choose whether I continue to let the past have power or not. Today? I choose not. I cannot go back. But, I can move forward and live the life God has given me for the Glory of Him and all the gifts He has to offer.
thank-you Sarah. I really needed this today. I needed the reminder of how precious and priceless time is.
Today is the 14th I am a few days late…
However, I can honestly say that today I have no regrets. I spent the morning at home with my hubby, reading and napping while he was doing his lesson for the jail ministry.
I then went and had dinner with my awesome friends that I do jail minsitry with. Three of us were blessed by God to be able to bless one of the others with a gift that she wanted.
Now, I am home catching up on blog reading, going to cook dinner for husband and continue reading ‘Forgotten God’ by Francis Chan.
No regrets….today.
Beautifully written …
Before my daughter’s birth I always said that I didn’t have regrets because all the things I did/or didn’t do made me who I was.
However, now that I have her…and 3 other kids have entered my life since (1 biological and 2 step kids) I seem to be haunted with regret. I regret saying this or not doing that. I regret being upset over something trivial or not kissing them *one more time* before I left the house.
I’ve come to realize that there will always be regret. The “what if’s” will always haunt me and the “possibilities” will perpetually plague me. However, when I lay my head down at night if I can say that I loved my Lord, my husband, and my babies…then I did His will and for that one moment…right before I sleep….Reassurance….trumps regret!
Thank you for writing this!! I appreciate every word. 3 minutes I will NEVER regret
Beautifully said. Thanks.
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