I’m trusting the pilot right now.
And I’m trusting that the giant de-icing truck that swung it’s big cherry-picker arm up to spray these chemicals actually worked.
And I’m trusting these wings.
I silently pray because there is always a pinch of anxiety— a heightened sense of mortality when I look out the window of a plane toward the frosty field between the runways.
I have so much to do, I pray-think.
I have to raise two daughters. I must help hold them emotionally grounded to the earthy, to family, to God.
I don’t want to be the mother that died.
At least not yet.
I have years to go still with my husband. We have worlds left to see, trains to board together, tragedies to love each other through. We have so much more to say to each other.
I have a half-book, a half-story written. I want to finish. There are so many words yet to be born. I’m not even close to being done yet.
My own mortality stares at me in a flashing, fractured second: tiny, almost never even thought. But it settles in the bottom of my heart like the remnant grains of sand left in my shoes after I’ve walked to the shore. Irritating, present, unable to be ignored.
Trust.
I’m going to get home. I’m going to scoop up both of my daughters in my arms. I’m going to grin as squealing girls yell, “Mama!” from the far side of baggage claim.
I’m going to walk to the edges of beauty and grief and back with my husband — my best friend — who shares the ache of being absent from each other for several days.
I have words spilling from my hands, even now the graphite dust (yes, I still actually WRITE) forming a tattoo on the edge of my index finger. I’ve got more things to say, more to learn, more to write.
More smiles, more laughter, more kisses, hugs, dinners, coffees, tears. More.
So I trust in the pilot and his wings.
Or maybe I trust in the Pilot and His wings.
I know He’s created me with purpose, with passions and desires. So I’m trusting in Him who can bring me home, over the clouds, and through the winter storms.
I’m trusting today. I have a life to live that won’t end today.
But even if it did, I’d still make it Home.
Is it easy or hard for you to trust today?
oh, so, hard.
i envy you so many times, because your words are so nicely written, for the heart, and they almost always make me realize i have a long way to go. I have such a LONG way to go.
It’s hard to trust, for me that is.
Sarah,
I trust Him more than I did yesterday, but not for any other reason other than myself. I too have a long way to go, but I’m enjoying the comfort of trusting Him.
It is sometimes hard to trust in man, especially when you have been let down, but I find life so more enjoyable and more fulfilling when I decide to trust – again.
Sarah, and we try to trust again but my question is: Does he have my best traits and interest at the forefront? He says he does, but to me I’m not feeling that devout and loving support. It’s like I sell my soul sometimes getting him to understand my viewpoint. Just keep on trusting, loving, and sharing. There is hope in trust even if we doubt; the truth is like you say…more fulfilling when we decide to trust again. For it is in giving up, that we never learn to trust!
Oh, what a way you have of putting things that live in my heart into words. I feel this way often, with out God I might be a real nervous nilly, but I am constantly putting it in his hands, unfortunately I pick it up again and them have to give it back to him. But I do give it back, because I ultimately feel at peace when it is in His hands. BTW I gave him my Barbie this morning, thanks for that reminder that it needs to be my best, not my left over or just what I can squeeze it. Aren’t our children such excellent teachers sometimes, they seem to get it on a very basic raw level, I let logic crowd my head to often instead of doing the simplest version of what God wants. Thanks for sharing
Cha Cha
I was going to say “stinkin’ hard”. And then I remember to look back at the many times He has been faithful, cared for me, surprised me, loved me. And then it’s not hard at all. It’s a lesson in remembering.
Hi Sarah,
Foolishly hard. I know about God’s promises, but I have a hard time believing them, believing they are for me. (I really don’t like sounding this corny or pathetic, but I probably have to admit how I feel in order to move past it, because despite what I just said, I do believe I am His. I know I’m weird & conflicted.)
Moving on, thank you for another great post! You have a gift and I want to encourage you in whatever way you need encouraging today (He knows), to keep using your gift faithfully as you have been.
Love-Oly
Beautiful words. I might not fully trust until I reach eternity. That’s okay though, I’m a little further today than I was yesterday.
Trusting God is a choice. A hard one at times, but so rewarding. Oh, I wanted you to know I left a blog award for you on my blog. I hope you will visit and pick it up!
Today it’s easy. Too bad I can’t say those three words every day.
Today it feeling easy. Definitely not always – but I hope my trust and faith grows to where it is always easy for me to trust HIM.
I blogged about this on my blog:
http://www.littlebuffdesign.blogspot.com
thank you. i really needed to read this. that’s all
Sarah – beautifully written & explained – I too go through those fleeting moments while on the ground or off. I also still actually write and I love the imagery of the graphite tattoo – so real. My husband laughs that I really ache for the feel of an ordinary pencil brushing across the paper when I don’t have one around. It feels deliberate to me. (my favorite is a Bic mechanical, of all things)
So so so honored to have met you this weekend. Bless you and your heart. ~ Mela
This is beautiful and inspiring.
And it was great to meet you (however briefly!) at our (in)courage breakfast!
Blessings,
Melissa
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i have my moments with trust…but, today i am trusting HIM and it helps me tremendously.
I can’t tell you how this speaks to me. This is just where I am right now…today. I am learning to trust, each day more so than the last. Thanks so much!
Hard…so very, very hard. It can be hard to trust when you have moments where you feel forgotten about…moments where you keep praying for the same thing, but haven’t seen the answer yet. But you stay on you knees praying…it’s where He wants us anyway.
it’s like the man who says “I Believe Lord. Help me with my unbelief.”
I heart you and your writing. So thought-provoking and seamless. Loved getting to hang out and love even more that you landed safely. Because I’m sure we will have to have nachos again very soon.
xoxo,
Hubby’s & my devotional, this morning, was about doubt. We can either have closed-minded cynicism like Zacharia (Luke 1:18) or a humble doubt like Mary (Luke 1:34). Oh LORD, I pray for a humble doubt, a doubt where I give you the controls of my life.
how comforting to think of resting under my pilot’s wings…. and, trusting, as I rest.
Thank you Sarah!
You Rock!!!
Trust. I am finding it easier to trust and that I have a heavenly home waiting for me.
Thanks for this post!