Chad wants to say a few words on video (then the rest below is all me)…
We’re still in the middle of this journey. We still have arguments about lost iPods and about late bills. We still have discussions about “time management” and about the chaos of unfolded laundry. We are still walking together, trying to learn how to be married and not kill each other.
But I’ve learned a few things about how to live with a spouse who suffers from, in Chad’s own words, “raging” ADD.
1. Don’t Parent.
My husband does not need another mother. He has one and she lives about four miles away from us. I am not her. So I have to struggle against my own nurturing tendencies to do those “parenting” things that will, in the end, stunt my husband’s growth. I can’t try to control him. I have to resist the urge to take over everything so it gets done right. I also can’t lump him into the group with the kids. If I’m frustrated that NO ONE in the house has picked up their dirty clothes, I must ask him privately to do so, not in front of the children as if he is one of them. And when I do ask him, it should be in the tone of a wife and equal, not the same tone I might take with my daughters when asking them to complete chores.
2. Defuse Chaos.
Remember the Cheerios? If that had happened today, this is what I would have done: I would have asked him kindly to leave and allow me to clean it up while he sits in the other room or helps me with some other, non-chaotic task. This isn’t because I want to parent him and do things FOR him, but I know how and where he functions best. And it is not with a billion pieces of cereal in piles around his feet. So I help him by removing him from the situation, if possible. This also comes into play when he is disciplining the girls and they are particularly unruly. If I notice, I try to intervene by quietly asking him to allow me to finish while he leaves the room. We try to avoid crowds, I try to keep our bedroom clutter-free (doesn’t always happen) and I try not to overwhelm him with a bunch of questions or requests all at once. I will email or text him rather than ask him over the phone because at the rate his brain moves, he won’t remember what I asked him to do 2 minutes after we’ve gotten off the phone.
Another thought here: when I sense Chad might begin to become frustrated, I try to head off the frustration myself because frustration can breed chaos in his mind. Example: “Sarah, where is Hope’s cold medication? I can’t find it anywhere.” he might yell from downstairs. Instead of calling back down to him, I might get up and physically find it for him, knowing that if he searched for it he would become frustrated trying to find it.
3. Expect ADD.
Your spouse or your friend has ADD. Expect that and don’t act surprised. I used to expect him home at 5:30 for dinner and I’d call him at 5:25 to see if he was on his way.”Yeah, I’m around the corner!” he’d tell me. So I’d plate the meal, pour the milk and sit down at the table. And wait. And wait. Twenty minutes later he’d walk in the door. “What happened to ‘around the corner’?” I’d demand. His estimation of time, even now, is, well, different than mine. So now, I don’t ask him how SOON he’ll be home, I ask him WHERE HE IS. That way I can estimate when he will be home. I expect him to have difficulty remembering certain things, so I send him reminders, I call him and I make sure he knows what’s coming up in the week on Sunday night. But even though I expect him to have ADD and exhibit the symptoms, I can also gently encourage him to change. I might ask him, later on in the evening after he’s made me late to a hair appointment, to call me as soon as he knows he will be late. I let him know how his delay affects me and how it makes me feel. I tell him that I will help him change for the better.
4. Encourage Treatment.
This may be the hard part for an adult ADD sufferer who has never wanted help before. Seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist can be vulnerable and scary. But it has been the best thing for Chad. A therapist or life coach can help with the day-to-day functioning and life skill issues. A psychiatrist can also help with this but also prescribe medication [note: a regular physician can prescribe ADD medication but may not have a focused skill-set in dealing with ADD sufferers. Our suggestion is to receive an Rx from a psychiatrist and follow up with a therapist or coach. Although most psychiatrists will require a physical from a regular doctor before he/she will start with medication]. As a spouse, be supportive of him/her receiving proper treatment for ADD. Help your spouse by reinforcing new habits he/she might be learning in therapy at home.
5. Recognize Success.
Everyone responds to positive reinforcement. When I notice how well Chad is doing at something that he previously has had trouble with, it means everything to him. It makes him want to do better in the future and it helps to motivate a man who struggles with motivation in the first place. When I focus on his failure it just blows up for both of us. But living with Chad for the past almost 14 years, I understand that he flourishes when I praise him for things he’s done well.
Thank you for providing for our family. Thank you for remembering to take your medication this weekend. Thank you for being a good father.
Chances are, someone who has struggled with ADD has heard a lot of criticism and negativity in their lifetime; maybe more than most.
You’re lazy. You don’t apply yourself. You never remember…. You always forget…. You never listen.
So, as a spouse of someone who has heard those things their entire life, you have the unique opportunity to pour love and acceptance into your husband or wife.
This is not an inclusive list. I’m sure there are many more things I can add or you can add so let’s open it up.
For those of you WITH ADD, how do you cope?
For those of you who LIVE WITH SOMEONE who has ADD, how have you learned to work with it?
If you are reading in a reader or with email or have subscribed by email, click over to the blog to watch the video.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You two have given words to how I feel and what I would love for my husband to do for me. One of my best coping skills is writing things down, everyone in my inner circle of family and friends knows that unless they have seen me write something down, I don’t know about it. I check my schedule all day long and it keeps me on track. I set up my days in my schedule planner hour by hour, I know this sounds over the top to a non ADD person, but if I don’t I can easily get stuck just doing the one thing all day, or doing nothing because there is so much going on in my head that I can be content to hang out in my head and not notice life around me. Please understand that we already feel like failures because we can’t function like “normal” and don’t make us feel bad. My husband is a great complement to me and my ADD he is a slow and steady kind of guy who doesn’t mind change, so I start crazy projects with fire and fury and when I get overwhelmed with them he comes and finishes and cleans up. I love him for that and need to tell him more often, before I went on medication the first time he was so afraid because he said he liked his “crazy” wife and did want me to change, now he is good with me taking the medicine and doesn’t feel like it changed me but just made me able to deal with myself and I thought that was the best description of it I had heard. Okay, so I know I am rambling, but really I have ADD what do you expect, I will be done now.
Cha Cha
Can I ask an obvious question? Did you gradually turn up the music in the video on purpose? It got progressively harder Whether you did or not, for me, a non-ADD person, I wanted so much to hear Chad’s heart/story, and all of a sudden I thought “is THIS what it is like when my husband is trying to listen to me share something so important from me?” As you wrote out the things at the end, about what an ADD person has probably heard their whole life, you are speaking HIS life. Thank you so much for this post. For the first time in nearly 15 years of marriage, I think I am starting to get it.
That was supposed to say “it got progressively harder to hear what Chad was saying.” Somehow part of the sentence didnt’ make it in! lOL!
It is so funny you mention that Spring! I didn’t notice it until I watched the video this morning and you are totally right! I can say for certain it was totally unintentional but so very accurate in how it feels in my brain when I’m not on medication.
Lets give the Holy Spirit credit for giving you insight into what your Husband feels on a daily basis. Go God!!
When I watched this last night, I had assumed it was totally intentional that the music got louder and a little more intense throughout.
Love how God does this
The owner of the company I work for is almost certainly undiagnosed ADD (likely ADHD I think) as these last few posts on both your blogs have helped me understand this more.
I am a wife with ADD. Thank you so much for talking about this. I can’t wait to have my husband read this ’cause sometimes it’s hard for me to tell him how to help me. So I have a few things that help me get through my day. I have to write everything down or it quickly exits my brain. I do hair and schedule my own appointments so it’s absolutely crucial that I keep a planner with me at all times. There have definitely been a few appointments that I forgot about and it was so embarrassing! Also, when I’m cleaning or doing another overwhelming task I break it up into time slots. I’ll set a timer for 15 or 30 minutes and work on it. I can do anything for that amount of time. After that, I set another timer for 10 and read or do something that I love. I do this back and forth till the job’s done. It seems like it would take a lot longer but I get much more done working steadily for 30 min than I would being distracted and running around like a crazy person. It works for me. I’m excited to hear other’s tricks to living with ADD.
Sara, this is amazing and what a wonderful door you opened for us and invited us in to share all this. And Chad, so many spouses of those w/ADD are thanking the Lord for you sharing your journey. Lord bless you both! Thank you for teaching us to love someone along their journey and helping us to understand what it’s like to walk in their shoes.
Hugs to you both!
Tina Dee
Reading this post made me realize: my DH might have ADD! He does the same things Chad does. And I thought all these years he was just trying to drive me crazy. Wow.
Sarah…thank you for writing about this. I follow you every day and love your insight and writing and I wanted to thank you and Chad for allowing us another peek into your lives. I am thinking I may have this…things you have said and Chad also, have struck chords with me, so much so I think I am going to go get checked out and see. I just thought I was lazy because I never finish anything, “had to much going on in my head”, too stressed from trying to multi-task way way too much at the same time, weird mini depressions and feelings of being overwhelmed and always always forgetting something!
Anyway we shall see what the doc’s say and thank you again from my heart to yours…
I’m all caught up on blogs now. WHEW!
1. I love seeing Chad in “real life.”
2. Great insights!
3. Don’t ask me why, but you make me laugh.
:B
My husband and I *both* have ADD. I’ve always known it about myself, I was diagnosed at a young age, but he was never officially diagnosed and I’ve only just come to recognize it in him for what it is. (perhaps I would have noticed earlier if I was not, oh, staring at dustmotes and glitter, haha)
I definitely use some of those tricks with him, especially the text message one. And for my own self, I have a giant calendar on the fridge with notes on it, as well as a daily docket. (from Simple Mom, the mini version) Those two things help to remind me to do important tasks.
Another trick I discovered works wonders on my own self is an ipod. I hate listening to music on the radio, it bothers me because to me it’s more chaos (my husband, on the other hand, is not bothered by that at all.) But if I put on my ipod when I set to do a task, it’s like putting blinders on a horse. Instead of taking 20 minutes to do the dishes, the time is cut in half as I focus on my task.
I’ve been deliberatly dealing with mine sans-medication since I was 12, and I’m pretty self-aware, so I’ve learned a lot of little tricks that work great for me. I just need to focus more on helping my husband find tricks that work for him. I should write that down, goodness knows I won’t remember otherwise…. (another lifesaver for me lately has been a StickyNotes program on my computer!)
(oh and my hubby and I both hyperfocus lol… and then we both get irritated with each other when the other is hyperfocusing and needs to be yelled at before hearing lol)
Your ADD posts have really opened up the door for conversation in my family. I have shared your posts with my parents! Tomorrow is when my brother goes to the Dr. to get some help. Reading your posts have helped me to understand what to look for and also ways I can help my brother out. YAY!
Thank you so much for posting this!
This helps me have much better insight into my husband!
I love that you both are opening up this part of your lives to your readers right now!
I came into my dating relationship and marriage with my husband knowing he had ADHD and loving so many of the fun aspects of his personality because of it.
But the forgetting of things I constantly have told him in a day and the need to have to yell his name sometimes before he finally turns to me have lately started to frustrate me again. I think because he has made so much progress in communicating with me and interrelating with me, I have forgotten to remember that he still internally has struggles that I can’t see.
These posts (and that awesome video) are once again reminding me to look at things from his perspective.
Thank you both, Sarah and Chad!
Sarah&Chad – Just reread this post and read the last one very thoughtfully. Thank you for writing them both. Although I have my ADD very under control, all things considered, your posts make me think. I’ve been urging my husband to get medication for his ADD, because as these posts highlight, ADD for a man can be very frustrating, because it kind of robs you of the type-A go-for-it mentality that men naturally have, and it can lead to ‘giving up’ a lot. I have to say, though, these posts make me reconsider my own lack of medication. While I manage to function fairly well, I hadn’t considered how my symptoms might be frustrating for my spouse.
I think we might both go on medication as a trial period, because a lot of the tension that happens in our marriage seems to be directly related to our respective ADD symptoms. (projects unfinished, tasks neglected, neither of us really listening to the other all that well, frustration on both of our parts at ourselves and at each other, money management, etc)I also cannot help but think of our 2 year old, as I’m already fairly concious and concerned about the fact that she has to deal with hyperfocusing from both of us. And I know we both feel fairly irritable when we’re forced to snap out of hyperfocusing on a task to deal with her!
wow…i think we need to meet! you guys seem so much like us
thanks for the great advice!
Even though I do not live with a spouse that has ADD I enjoyed reading this post. It was very informative! Thanks for all you do!
Thank you for this article! My husband has ADHD and Chad’s words really resonate with him! (And I totally see what you’re going through too!)My husband and I both just watched the video.
The only thing I would suggest with the video is to take the music out because it’s really hard to hear what Chad is saying since it is louder than his voice in some parts. (Mind you, that also illustrates what he is saying when he talks about the radio stations! *S*)
Keep up the great work! This is so much more helpful than the many negative websites out there about marriage and ADHD!
Oh, how I miss thee, Chad Markley.
My husband has ADD, and this really was informative. He was never diagnosed and thinks he has a less “raging” form of it, but knowing how to respond as a wife was good insight. I think, in general, even for someone with a husband without ADD, there is a lot of good common sense in here for wives. A lot of husbands can tend to respond in similar ways, so what you recommend in how to respond is really helpful for a LOT of women. Thank you. And thank you, Chad, for your candor, your willingness to share your struggle. Blessings to you both.
Thank you for doing this. My partner has ADD and I’ve been trying for months now to find any kind of support system for the partners/husbands/wives/long-term-nontraditional-companions, anything that’s not “You have ADD, come get support” or “We all have kids with ADD.” Not that there’s something wrong with either of those groups, but it’s not where I fit.
I agree with just about everything on your list, but I’m not sure how to do some of it without being patronizing – especially when it comes to recognizing good and praising it. We’ve had issues in the past where he feels like I don’t value him or his contributions because he’s too scattered to do most of what needs done, so I get irritated with him and ignore the stuff that he *does* do. But when I make it a point to recognize where he’s done things – or even where he’s actively tried – I feel like it’s coming out like I’m praising a 4-year-old, which is not really helpful either. Any suggestions for how to walk that line gracefully and not like a kindergarten teacher?
Thank you Sarah and Chad! God’s timing is SO good! I know these last two posts have been about spouses, but this is very timely for me. My son was diagnosed on the Autsim Spectrum last year and along with it came the diagnoses of ADHD and Anxiety Disorder. One doc went right for the anti-anxiety meds and we said no. I’m glad we did as his anxiety issues have been diminsihing over the last year. However the behaviors have gotten worse. I spent the whole day today at a children’s hospital while my son underwent more testing. The conclusion was that his lack of attention was interfering with him so much that he’s not reaching his potential and he’s getting frustrated. His frustrations are taken out on me and looks a lot like oppositional defiance. This doc’s strong suggestion was medication for the ADHD. I dreaded telling his father as he has been adament in the past about no medications. And thanks to God, your post was in my inbox today. I look forward to showing him your video in hopes (with many prayers) that he may begin to understand what is happening with our precious son.
Thank you ~ May God continue to bless you both!
Heather
You know what’s cool?
The advice about not lumping your husband in with the kids and talkinh to him aside from the kids about things is good for ANY marriage, not just one with an ADD spouse.
This was one of my husband’s major concerns in our relationship.
And you’re right – our husbands don’t need – or want – another mother.
It’s just sometimes such an unintentional thing I do when I am in the middle of mothering everyone else at our house.
tearfully, thank you! this is a great starting point for me… you’ve given me a lot to do and think about as I try to support my spouse! (I’m not alone…but only through Christ, right?)
Awesome post. Must have wife read it. CHAD: I was cracking up when you said you put your keys with your stuff cause I totally do the same thing. Also thank you Chad for helping me decide to seek psyciatric help 4years ago. I too have ADD and I second everything that Chad said in his video.
Hey Jeff! I am impressed you got through the entire video
Reading the blog and watching the video have reminded me how different the world looks today, 6 months or so after I began to treat my ADHD as a real thing. As I read this post and the replies, tears welled up, not because of new discoveries but because of the reminder of the impact throughout my life. Thank you Chad and Sarah for posting.
And for the readers, if you read the blog or watch the video and tears have well up as your life is reflected back to you, then please do something about it. Don’t do it alone. See Chad and Sarah’s advice above.
I wrote in my journal on the first day I took action, The ADHD Journey Begins. It has been really hard and really good. It is a journey and it is worth it.
Thank you. I enjoyed listening and watching Chad share about his ADHD. I have been dealing with my ADD husband for 34 years, along with 3 ADD step-children that lived with us, and our ADD son. I am the only one in our family that does not have the disorder. I understand the frustration at having to be the organizer and rememberer for an entire family. When our son, Chris, was 15 he learned compensation skills from a psychologist that helped him use a chart to get to the bus on time. He actually enjoyed it. It is easier to help a child than your husband, though. It takes a lot of creativity, and always with positive reinforcement, to come up with ways to help my husband remember things. I have not yet thought of a way to encourage him to complete tasks, though. I think I will never live in a finished house. I have had to learn to compromise big time in what is important to me. Peace in my marriage is more important than pristine neatness. There are times when I get so upset that I yell at God, “YOU made him that way! What am I supposed to do with this?!” And He usually gives me an idea that works. All in all, though, I am thankful that my husband is so extremely talented and able to fix or build or make or create anything. I am thankful that he does not have a macho, condescending attitude. I am thankful that he is funny and fun and very loving. We complement each other. Without him, I would be boring, and would not be the person I am today. I think it has also helped me be more understanding when I am around other people that struggle with ADD – in fact, I think I am drawn to them.